The door is open...please push me through!
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Yes he liked to accuse me of being "drama" when I wanted to talk about any of my feelings but he def thrives on it when he says he doesn't want it. When I dont give him the Tele Novela (soap opera) and I stay calm I think it freaks him out more.
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No he is mature just depressed and insecure and self destructive and self sabotaging. He is in defense mode a lot. Then when he is in his good place he is funny and affectionate and caring and adventurous. I think he has his own fight in his head. When alcohol comes into play it starts with the "good" version then his demons take over.
I read in the alcoholics forum a thread about regret posting or emailing or calling while drunk... he can chime in on that. When drunk he wrote his bosses he fought with his dad he would chat up exes ... call his sister or daughters. He even had to delete his bosses boss off his phone to not keep texting him complaining about his immediate boss. In this thread they all said how they cringed the next morning when the saw what they wrote to people. When I saw some of the messages he wrote to exes he never remembered writing them. And I believe this happend with the asking for a date online. I showed my therapist and she said you can tell he was drunk and maybe not realizing it was public and not private. No excuses. It stung.
I have made up my mind I am not going back but I am now trying to start the process of leaving. I said I need space so this is me taking space and navigating it. What he does with it will be out of my control but now he knows i dictate the next encounter. His birthday is the 30th...I'll have to see how I feel about sending him a happy bday or not. Still a week away.
I read in the alcoholics forum a thread about regret posting or emailing or calling while drunk... he can chime in on that. When drunk he wrote his bosses he fought with his dad he would chat up exes ... call his sister or daughters. He even had to delete his bosses boss off his phone to not keep texting him complaining about his immediate boss. In this thread they all said how they cringed the next morning when the saw what they wrote to people. When I saw some of the messages he wrote to exes he never remembered writing them. And I believe this happend with the asking for a date online. I showed my therapist and she said you can tell he was drunk and maybe not realizing it was public and not private. No excuses. It stung.
I have made up my mind I am not going back but I am now trying to start the process of leaving. I said I need space so this is me taking space and navigating it. What he does with it will be out of my control but now he knows i dictate the next encounter. His birthday is the 30th...I'll have to see how I feel about sending him a happy bday or not. Still a week away.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,697
Does sound like he has a lot of issues.
Yes, the time away from him is key. It will be months before you are feeling better about it all honestly, if history (including reading many descriptions here at SR) is anything to go by.
Sometimes it will feel like you are never going to get a handle on the final hurdle of letting go of having a "romantic" connection to him, however it will happen. With working on yourself, deciding what you don't want, remembering to always (always!) protect yourself. I think that is also key to protect your mind and body. Don't allow others to hurt you, it's so damaging.
Yes, the time away from him is key. It will be months before you are feeling better about it all honestly, if history (including reading many descriptions here at SR) is anything to go by.
Sometimes it will feel like you are never going to get a handle on the final hurdle of letting go of having a "romantic" connection to him, however it will happen. With working on yourself, deciding what you don't want, remembering to always (always!) protect yourself. I think that is also key to protect your mind and body. Don't allow others to hurt you, it's so damaging.
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Thank you everyone I have come so far by just finding this forum and reading threads and reading the Alcoholic forum and their struggles. As much as I wish for his good health I gave up on mine for awhile being with him. In the year he has been out of my house i changed my eating been back to working out and feeling good again in my own skin but he still had a hold on me emotionally. Now just as I did the physical it is time to do mental "working out" and I need him out of my "house " in this case mind and sight and bed... to do that.
I dont doubt that he will be either over posting on face...do something to get my attention or send me drunk messages but I feel that now that I said "I need space right now" all of that will be against my request and will cause more time apart.
I am proud that I was direct and not accusatory or confrontational. A simple sentence that we will see if he respects because those simple words cannot be used as easy for ammunition (I hope) and if it does then I see more clearly why my decision is correct.
I dont doubt that he will be either over posting on face...do something to get my attention or send me drunk messages but I feel that now that I said "I need space right now" all of that will be against my request and will cause more time apart.
I am proud that I was direct and not accusatory or confrontational. A simple sentence that we will see if he respects because those simple words cannot be used as easy for ammunition (I hope) and if it does then I see more clearly why my decision is correct.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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The hardest part in all of this is right now. Continuing the back and forth will just continue the hurt on your end. The best thing is to go no contact, it is the only way to get out of it. You may be miserable for a while but think of the long term. I would not contact him for his birthday, for Presidents Day, Valentines Day, etc. block him on every social media you have, it really is the best way out. When I made the decision to leave, it was very hard but looking back now it was the best decision I ever made.
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¿Como se dice “dump this guy as soon as possible” en español?
Seriously? A 55-year-old drama stirrer who fan-worships porn stars online?
You have the best he has to offer...his dog. He’s got nothing else to offer now except manipulation and emotional pain.
At some point, and I believe you’re way past that point, “why” a person does rotten things doesn’t matter. What matters is that he does rotten, hurtful things to you, yes?
He’s not going to quit drinking and he’s not going to revert to that guy who wooed you. He’s not ever going to be your “friend”...that’s just a way to keep you ensnared.
Will he move on? Probably. But she’ll just be his next victim, no matter what he posts on SM.
Please...reconsider blocking him. All staying in touch does is stop you from truly healing.
He is not your friend.
Seriously? A 55-year-old drama stirrer who fan-worships porn stars online?
You have the best he has to offer...his dog. He’s got nothing else to offer now except manipulation and emotional pain.
At some point, and I believe you’re way past that point, “why” a person does rotten things doesn’t matter. What matters is that he does rotten, hurtful things to you, yes?
He’s not going to quit drinking and he’s not going to revert to that guy who wooed you. He’s not ever going to be your “friend”...that’s just a way to keep you ensnared.
Will he move on? Probably. But she’ll just be his next victim, no matter what he posts on SM.
Please...reconsider blocking him. All staying in touch does is stop you from truly healing.
He is not your friend.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Just a tale from social media and what happened once when I broke up with someone. Long story short, we met, he moved where I am (we never lived together, he wanted me to move in with him I refused, that was that), we broke up, got back together for a few months and broke up again but remained "friends" from a distance as he moved back from where he had originally come from.
So, I decide to go NC, at least for a while. He wasn't any nicer as a friend than he was when in a relationship (he was not an alcoholic btw).
So I send him an email saying I don't think we should talk for a while.
That day, or maybe the next - he appears on FB. This is someone who was, or rather claimed not to be a FB person while I knew him. He posted a new picture of himself (one that I had taken months earlier) and said hey everyone I'm back.
Lots of oh hi's how have you been blah blah.
Ok well first of all he wasn't "just back" he had been "back" for months. He had moved in with his friend and his friend's girlfriend and attempted to break them up (she is an alcoholic) and when that was not successful they asked him to leave. He moved back in with his Father, Brother and SIL. He is sponging off all these people btw, at this point he can't even afford to put gas in his truck.
The way he spoke on FB though was like he was so great! Just happy to be back!
Even the picture was out of date as he'd just had his hair cut (and frankly looked worse for wear).
All that is to say that what he was presenting was either for my benefit or theirs but regardless, it was fake. He was basically sponging off everyone he could find, couldn't get a job (not that he was actually trying) he had decided he just wanted to sit around and write books.
I blocked him immediately and never contacted him again.
Now he was/is an NPD, or so far up on the narcissism scale he may as well be, but my long rambling point here is social media as a reflection of a person is nothing (unless you have context).
Secondly, he is the only "ex" partner that I would never, ever contact. Why? Because with all his dysfunction his only concern was him, and that was reflected in that FB post as well. Total disregard for my feelings. An attempt to hurt me. I can't abide vindictiveness.
All of the items you listed, plus his addictions, I mean this is a person with a lot of problems - serious problems, problems you can't help him with, he needs professional help.
It's ok to feel compassion for him - from a huge distance. It really can't even be attempted until you are so firm in where you are that it is safe. Above all, you need to keep yourself safe don't you think?
So, I decide to go NC, at least for a while. He wasn't any nicer as a friend than he was when in a relationship (he was not an alcoholic btw).
So I send him an email saying I don't think we should talk for a while.
That day, or maybe the next - he appears on FB. This is someone who was, or rather claimed not to be a FB person while I knew him. He posted a new picture of himself (one that I had taken months earlier) and said hey everyone I'm back.
Lots of oh hi's how have you been blah blah.
Ok well first of all he wasn't "just back" he had been "back" for months. He had moved in with his friend and his friend's girlfriend and attempted to break them up (she is an alcoholic) and when that was not successful they asked him to leave. He moved back in with his Father, Brother and SIL. He is sponging off all these people btw, at this point he can't even afford to put gas in his truck.
The way he spoke on FB though was like he was so great! Just happy to be back!
Even the picture was out of date as he'd just had his hair cut (and frankly looked worse for wear).
All that is to say that what he was presenting was either for my benefit or theirs but regardless, it was fake. He was basically sponging off everyone he could find, couldn't get a job (not that he was actually trying) he had decided he just wanted to sit around and write books.
I blocked him immediately and never contacted him again.
Now he was/is an NPD, or so far up on the narcissism scale he may as well be, but my long rambling point here is social media as a reflection of a person is nothing (unless you have context).
Secondly, he is the only "ex" partner that I would never, ever contact. Why? Because with all his dysfunction his only concern was him, and that was reflected in that FB post as well. Total disregard for my feelings. An attempt to hurt me. I can't abide vindictiveness.
All of the items you listed, plus his addictions, I mean this is a person with a lot of problems - serious problems, problems you can't help him with, he needs professional help.
It's ok to feel compassion for him - from a huge distance. It really can't even be attempted until you are so firm in where you are that it is safe. Above all, you need to keep yourself safe don't you think?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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I really appreciate everyone in this forum. The overwhelming support for a "stranger' touches my heart. I know myself... it takes baby steps to get to the complete block stage, but it will happen soon. I just need to be ready.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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" I'm new here and found you by doing a Google search of "my alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me" I should add...again and again...and again. "
Do yourself a favor & create space with this guy. You obviously have been through a lot with him. You don't even live together anymore. Obviously there are reasons for it. Try stepping way back from this relationship.
Give yourself a chance to be calm & think about this relationship. Think about whats in this relationship for you? Also why you are putting up with his consistently erratic & bad behavior.
We get so sucked into the crazy lives of our addicts that this crazy train becomes our norm. However, its not normal to live such a crazy life.
Being in the crazy trenches with him obviously doesn't work for you or him. Why not create separation, take a break from it & see how you feel over a bit of time. Any caring partner in a relationship would give you that time.
Addiction is extremely destructive not only to the addict but also to all in close proximity. You said previously it destroyed his first marriage. Think about what his addiction is doing to you?
You have nothing to lose by taking time away here. Yeah he might pull a lot of weird crap in retaliation. But he is doing that kind of weird crap if you are with him or not with him. However, you just might find that you have everything to gain
Do yourself a favor & create space with this guy. You obviously have been through a lot with him. You don't even live together anymore. Obviously there are reasons for it. Try stepping way back from this relationship.
Give yourself a chance to be calm & think about this relationship. Think about whats in this relationship for you? Also why you are putting up with his consistently erratic & bad behavior.
We get so sucked into the crazy lives of our addicts that this crazy train becomes our norm. However, its not normal to live such a crazy life.
Being in the crazy trenches with him obviously doesn't work for you or him. Why not create separation, take a break from it & see how you feel over a bit of time. Any caring partner in a relationship would give you that time.
Addiction is extremely destructive not only to the addict but also to all in close proximity. You said previously it destroyed his first marriage. Think about what his addiction is doing to you?
You have nothing to lose by taking time away here. Yeah he might pull a lot of weird crap in retaliation. But he is doing that kind of weird crap if you are with him or not with him. However, you just might find that you have everything to gain
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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It's ok to feel compassion for him - from a huge distance.
think of it like getting Xrays - the medical professionals CARE about you, but they also remove themselves for the room and hide behind a lead wall to PROTECT themselves from the radiation.
think of it like getting Xrays - the medical professionals CARE about you, but they also remove themselves for the room and hide behind a lead wall to PROTECT themselves from the radiation.
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