The door is open...please push me through!
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First of all, you are not obligated to answer.
Even in break-ups where there is no addiction involved, I personally find it unrealistic to think there can be an immediate "friendship". Not in all cases, but most. People need time away from each other to regroup. There is nothing noble about forcing ourselves to be friendly with people we have confusing and conflicting feelings about. We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves the time and distance to gain perspective on the relationship.
But specifically in your situation...I don't think he's really reaching out to you to talk about friendship. He's sent a test balloon to see where he stands, if there is a chance of something more. There is no correct response to his questions because his questions are just a ruse to initiate any contact and to get any response. If you respond at all, he has already gotten what he reached out for.
If you want to have a friendship with him in the future, of course that is your choice. But expecting you will have one RIGHT NOW after you've just broken up is doing yourself and your heart a disservice.
Even in break-ups where there is no addiction involved, I personally find it unrealistic to think there can be an immediate "friendship". Not in all cases, but most. People need time away from each other to regroup. There is nothing noble about forcing ourselves to be friendly with people we have confusing and conflicting feelings about. We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves the time and distance to gain perspective on the relationship.
But specifically in your situation...I don't think he's really reaching out to you to talk about friendship. He's sent a test balloon to see where he stands, if there is a chance of something more. There is no correct response to his questions because his questions are just a ruse to initiate any contact and to get any response. If you respond at all, he has already gotten what he reached out for.
If you want to have a friendship with him in the future, of course that is your choice. But expecting you will have one RIGHT NOW after you've just broken up is doing yourself and your heart a disservice.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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What would be a great thing is that I have a friendship with him where what he does or says will not affect me. That I will be in such a good place emotionally and not co-dependent that I will not worry about his drinking, his being with other women, his ...anything. That is going to take time. This Christmas incident put it over the edge for me. Before it was personal hurtful words and then disappearing, but this time it involved something important to me and my family and new friends who didnt know he was an alcoholic. So it was embarrassing. Then asking the girl out on the date on FB was humiliating. This time I really need space. Do I reply? "I need time"
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I personally would not respond.
If you say you "need time" you are showing him that you are vulnerable to his manipulations, which is exactly what this is as Sparkle said--a test to see if you are willing to take more bad treatment.
What he did to you and your family was not acceptable for anyone, and drinking is no excuse to excuse it.
You are worth more.
I would consider just going no contact and see how you feel in 6 months or so as you begin to heal up from this.
Right now you are not in a good space to make the most self-protective choice due to your feelings for him.
He knows this, and is trying to use it for his own selfish gain. Addicts typically are all about their own needs-for them, "Ex" is too often an invitation to try for friends with benefits, emotional dumping grounds, financial resources, etc.
I don't know him, but based on how he behaved earlier, he doesn't seem to have your best interests in mind at all--only his own.
If you say you "need time" you are showing him that you are vulnerable to his manipulations, which is exactly what this is as Sparkle said--a test to see if you are willing to take more bad treatment.
What he did to you and your family was not acceptable for anyone, and drinking is no excuse to excuse it.
You are worth more.
I would consider just going no contact and see how you feel in 6 months or so as you begin to heal up from this.
Right now you are not in a good space to make the most self-protective choice due to your feelings for him.
He knows this, and is trying to use it for his own selfish gain. Addicts typically are all about their own needs-for them, "Ex" is too often an invitation to try for friends with benefits, emotional dumping grounds, financial resources, etc.
I don't know him, but based on how he behaved earlier, he doesn't seem to have your best interests in mind at all--only his own.
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Originally Posted by Stephczm 
What would be a great thing is that I have a friendship with him where what he does or says will not affect me. That I will be in such a good place emotionally and not co-dependent that I will not worry about his drinking, his being with other women, his ...anything. That is going to take time. This Christmas incident put it over the edge for me. Before it was personal hurtful words and then disappearing, but this time it involved something important to me and my family and new friends who didnt know he was an alcoholic. So it was embarrassing. Then asking the girl out on the date on FB was humiliating. This time I really need space. Do I reply? "I need time"
If what you really need is time, then take it. You don't have to ask for it. You don't need his permission.
If there is a future friendship in the cards for you, then it will be there when you are ready. If there isn't, it is because he cannot respect you and does not want what is best for you, and that is *not* a friendship, nor someone you need in your circle.
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I so am beating myself up for the accidental sound byte. It happened when I took a screen shot of his message to send to my therapist 
oops. but i guess it gets the message across that i opened it, i read it.. and I have yet to respond. I made a list of things he has done and said in the past and my therapist brought up others that reminds me he wasnt there for me in my time of need. Another was that I was super scared to go to the GYNO because i was having horrible pains. I wanted his support and go with me. He knew the hour of the appointment and he was out drinking in his car with a work buddy. He shows up 5 minutes before i have to leave very drunk. Yelled at me that he was there, so lets go... i said not like this... and I got upset, called my mom, and she went with me. He is not there for me for any emotional support i need (except when I went to go see my dad who has Dementia and ALS but he came because it also involved us going to 3 other cities before visiting my dad for a holiday)
He got so sick in San Fran that one of the most beautiful sunny days I stayed in side by his side putting hot towels on his legs for his horrible leg cramps. And he said thank you and I said, well I would hope you would do the same for me. and he said with a chuckle, probably not it would be difficult for me to stay inside all day.
I mean. What am I thinking?! Just writing out all of these things that the past 3 years of emotional abuse, flirting online, not being there for me emotionally, telling me I am crazy and full of drama when I get upset that he is drunk or passed out. Yes, I read that I am the "provoker" or whatever it was in the 3 act play. I need space. I guess I just take it without telling him I am doing it.
oops. but i guess it gets the message across that i opened it, i read it.. and I have yet to respond. I made a list of things he has done and said in the past and my therapist brought up others that reminds me he wasnt there for me in my time of need. Another was that I was super scared to go to the GYNO because i was having horrible pains. I wanted his support and go with me. He knew the hour of the appointment and he was out drinking in his car with a work buddy. He shows up 5 minutes before i have to leave very drunk. Yelled at me that he was there, so lets go... i said not like this... and I got upset, called my mom, and she went with me. He is not there for me for any emotional support i need (except when I went to go see my dad who has Dementia and ALS but he came because it also involved us going to 3 other cities before visiting my dad for a holiday) He got so sick in San Fran that one of the most beautiful sunny days I stayed in side by his side putting hot towels on his legs for his horrible leg cramps. And he said thank you and I said, well I would hope you would do the same for me. and he said with a chuckle, probably not it would be difficult for me to stay inside all day.
I mean. What am I thinking?! Just writing out all of these things that the past 3 years of emotional abuse, flirting online, not being there for me emotionally, telling me I am crazy and full of drama when I get upset that he is drunk or passed out. Yes, I read that I am the "provoker" or whatever it was in the 3 act play. I need space. I guess I just take it without telling him I am doing it.
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I am going to prepare myself for the worst. That he takes all of our life down from FB. which will hurt. That he will ask for his dog back which will be TORTURE. he will kill him with sadness. This dog is by my side every second, he is an old little chihuahua who he will just leave locked up in his home and alone. But he even told me when he moved out he couldnt do that to him, he is in love with me, and is living the last years of his life the best he could. So I am giving faith that it wont happen. But my therapist said.. she knows him he is not vindictive and if he was to ask for it.. you dont have to give it back nor open your door to him.
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Steph......you don't have to give the dog back just because he asks!
I have seen, even in the courts...that the person who does the most care gets to keep the animal in question.....
Who took the dog to the vet...who gives the medicine....who buys the animal supplies....who spends the most quality time with the animal....this is all taken into consideration.
If he Insisted on having the dog....let him (dare) to take you to court...and, he will lose.....
don't you dare hand that dog over!
lol...tell him that you have "taken up gardening---that you have decided to grow a spine"...….
I have seen, even in the courts...that the person who does the most care gets to keep the animal in question.....
Who took the dog to the vet...who gives the medicine....who buys the animal supplies....who spends the most quality time with the animal....this is all taken into consideration.
If he Insisted on having the dog....let him (dare) to take you to court...and, he will lose.....
don't you dare hand that dog over!
lol...tell him that you have "taken up gardening---that you have decided to grow a spine"...….
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I would not give back the dog even if he asks. Addicts are terrible pet parents.
Take the dog to the vet and establish you are the caregiver and paying for things ASAP if you haven't already.
Then if he says he wants the dog, you have at least some legal proof to keep him. He can't afford it anyway from what you've said, and maybe wouldn't want that part of public record. . .
Take the dog to the vet and establish you are the caregiver and paying for things ASAP if you haven't already.
Then if he says he wants the dog, you have at least some legal proof to keep him. He can't afford it anyway from what you've said, and maybe wouldn't want that part of public record. . .
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He may ask for the dog back because that is his last way to hurt you. Please do what is best for the dog and do not give it to him.
The more you hear from him or hear about him the harder it will be to get on with your life.
You deserve so much better than this man has to offer.
The more you hear from him or hear about him the harder it will be to get on with your life.
You deserve so much better than this man has to offer.
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I really doubt he will. He "lost him" as soon as he moved in with me because Queso (the dog) attached to me instantly and distanced himself from his dad. He is here in my office now on the little bed. I took him once to check his heart (150 USD) and his "dad" never made the appointment with me. Said he was too tired after work (i.e. already on his 4th beer). I don't think this will be an issue. Unfortunately where we live there are no courts who would really care about dogs.... but you are right... i don't have to give him queso if he asks. He is now mine.
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here is what I think about that last message: who is to say that my phone wasn't in my purse or in my pocket and it opened up the message and sent a sound byte by mistake. So for him to respond with a Defensive remark like "Thanks for the Mute Message... got it. " turns it ugly. Like he is looking for a fight or an apology. My girlfriend in the office (who has 3 brothers and a husband who is Macho... we live in Mexico) said... if he really really wants to talk to you and value you in his life then he will come and knock on your door and ask to talk. He is just trying to see if he still has a handle on you ... like all of you said above...
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On one hand, I’m thinking “wowwwww this is a lot of overthinking. This man has done nothing worthy of monopolising this much of your headspace.”
On the other hand, I would probably be the exact same way.
But seriously... you had it right before. He doesn’t get to be the one to dictate when and if you two become friends. You absolutely have a say. And not replying to him is NOT “being a bitch.” If you need space, you deserve space. Period.
Your recovery from this relationship is about you. You deserve happiness.
P.S. I love that your dog is named “queso.” That’s adorable.
On the other hand, I would probably be the exact same way.
But seriously... you had it right before. He doesn’t get to be the one to dictate when and if you two become friends. You absolutely have a say. And not replying to him is NOT “being a bitch.” If you need space, you deserve space. Period.
Your recovery from this relationship is about you. You deserve happiness.
P.S. I love that your dog is named “queso.” That’s adorable.
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i went with my gut (although I know all of you are much more experienced than me and I thank you) but in response to the Mute Message. I wrote. my phone was in my purse. I was busy.
then in response to the communication thing, I wrote. I need space right now. I feel like I took the power.
then in response to the communication thing, I wrote. I need space right now. I feel like I took the power.
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I'm glad you sent that message because that made you comfortable with it.
I think perhaps, what might make you really comfortable with the whole "friendship" thing is to decide what that might look like. What does that mean to you?
Now ideally our friends are reliable and kind and thoughtful and honest and etc etc - we all know that. However no one is perfect and your ex certainly is not.
So you expectations in a relationship were not met and your expectations for a friendship will not be met either.
Now you may decide after several months apart (as SK mentioned, I also think it's imperative to take that time apart and let your "romantic" feelings fade) that you can be friends on a very casual basis. He needs to be respectful of you and your feelings above all.
He's not going to change, he didn't for the relationship and he won't for a friendship.
I'm glad you are firm about the dog, it doesn't matter what he does about it at all, it is your dog. See how you turned that around in this discussion from a fear of him wanting the dog back to - this is your dog.
That same kind of resolve will serve you well in a friendship. This is what you expect, if it is bothering you and not serving you well, if you, for instance, meet up for dinner or a concert or whatever and that leaves you anxious or unhappy etc - well maybe that's that.
I think perhaps, what might make you really comfortable with the whole "friendship" thing is to decide what that might look like. What does that mean to you?
Now ideally our friends are reliable and kind and thoughtful and honest and etc etc - we all know that. However no one is perfect and your ex certainly is not.
So you expectations in a relationship were not met and your expectations for a friendship will not be met either.
Now you may decide after several months apart (as SK mentioned, I also think it's imperative to take that time apart and let your "romantic" feelings fade) that you can be friends on a very casual basis. He needs to be respectful of you and your feelings above all.
He's not going to change, he didn't for the relationship and he won't for a friendship.
I'm glad you are firm about the dog, it doesn't matter what he does about it at all, it is your dog. See how you turned that around in this discussion from a fear of him wanting the dog back to - this is your dog.
That same kind of resolve will serve you well in a friendship. This is what you expect, if it is bothering you and not serving you well, if you, for instance, meet up for dinner or a concert or whatever and that leaves you anxious or unhappy etc - well maybe that's that.
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Thank you. I do feel proud of that because it stated in a firm way... it is my turn to decide when I am ready to interact with you... not the other way around as it has been. Waiting for his silence to finish etc. Wondering what I did. Now I have the wheel. I know to expect potholes and swerve but at least I'm driving.
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Steph
Im sorry to say but this guy sounds like a high school drama queen.
Other than these trips you take with him (and who is paying for these trips - you?) what are you getting out of being with this guy? He is definitely just bad news. Such crazy petty BS on his part.
Ok you live in a small town. You might see him with someone else. Isnt that better than him flirting with women online right in front of you. And if hes flirting in front of you chances are good hes doing more than that,
You seem to have so much good going for you. There has to be someone better than this dude for you. Create distance from this definite looser so maybe something much better can happen your life.
PS where is Aries & Anvil I think some clarity help is needed for Steph here.
Im sorry for your situation Steph. I hope you figure this out & get away from him. Im rooting for you.
Im sorry to say but this guy sounds like a high school drama queen.
Other than these trips you take with him (and who is paying for these trips - you?) what are you getting out of being with this guy? He is definitely just bad news. Such crazy petty BS on his part.
Ok you live in a small town. You might see him with someone else. Isnt that better than him flirting with women online right in front of you. And if hes flirting in front of you chances are good hes doing more than that,
You seem to have so much good going for you. There has to be someone better than this dude for you. Create distance from this definite looser so maybe something much better can happen your life.
PS where is Aries & Anvil I think some clarity help is needed for Steph here.
Im sorry for your situation Steph. I hope you figure this out & get away from him. Im rooting for you.
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