trailmix

In reading what you just wrote I was thinking really? really? He puts you down and claims you are to blame for the relationship "falling apart" because you are eating plant based?

He'll go and get a hooker? I don't know if he actually would, but regardless, that is not something you say to someone you care about.

Sadly, in relationships with an addict, emotional abuse is not uncommon, however no one deserves that. You don't deserve that.

There might be someone right around the corner that will treat you with love and respect, but you will never find him while in this relationship.

FeelingGreat

He gets mean when he drinks, and he is actively drinking. What a nasty FB exchange.

You are way better than this.

trailmix

Ok that's just gross.

Does he have an addiction to porn as well?

Stephczm

I didnt see it when he was living with me as he would fall asleep all the time early while we watched TV... but after a fight or a hangover session when he stayed in the guest room during the times he wouldn't talk to me it was in his browser history.
The things he would say to hurt me when living with me was that he didnt feel comfortable in my home and he feels only like an "escort" to me (I'm more successful and own my own company and my own home)
When I called him out on flirting online it was always because he was drunk but would never act on it.
When he moved out it was that I kicked him out and he will always have resentment for that just as his mom kicked him out....but if you remember he always threatened to leave the house because he wasn't comfortable so I finally let him.
So the new thing was being plant based.
pretty pathetic complaint

trailmix

The truth is he couldn't be comfortable because he couldn't drink and do the other activities he enjoys.

He can frame it any way he likes to make himself look better but that is probably the truth?

Have you had enough? What keeps you in this?

Stephczm

I did get to keep his dog he brought to the relationship. His dog clearly doesn't want to be with him...and he was his dog for 10 years. When he moved out he said that his dog loves me and he cannot take him as he would just be alone all day (since I own my company the dog even comes to work with me) My therapist told me his is not vindictive and he will not take him back. That is my biggest fear. But he cant take care of him and he knows that.

Stephczm

This forum is helping me see that I had enough. And seeing other threads of people currently living with the A and children involved shows me I am in a good place and have an easier exit than most.
Thus the title....push me out the door and this is exactly what it is doing for me.

California123

Keep reading the threads here. They helped me so much to have the strength to not cave in to my bad situation and allowed me to do what's best in the long run. Definitely tough in the short term but when things get tough, reading the first-hand testimonials here provides alot of guidance---almost a defense against the jaded reality the addict in your life will at some point throw at you. The true reality is found within these pages for sure. Follow your head, the heart will often tell a different story which makes it tough!

Stephczm

Reading through the threads I see that I was "lucky" enough to be with him as a more functional alcoholic. He would not drink or control himself some days and evenings (probably when he had too much the night before when i wasn't with him) he still had pride in how he dressed and his apartment was spotless and currently repainted everything to enjoy his space. The drinking was increasing and his job is the type of sales job where all of them seem to be alcoholics or substance abusers so is surrounded by his kind. They work on commission and when it is a bad month...big trigger. He would tell me that he knew what he did not want to end up like... some former colleagues who were alone at 60 yrs old with no family and spend all their money on drugs/alcohol and hookers. He turns 55 next week. Guess what...he broke up with me and that "being alone " looks more and more like his fate. His sister ...well everyone... would tell him that if he didnt get help he would lose me (they would tell him that I am the best thing that happened to him) so I imagine that just made him push me away more so he would get rid of me before I left him. My therapist said his biggest fear was that I would leave him so he would do it first...and again...and again.
He would say his biggest want is to come home to someone and live with them... and since I "kicked him out" he will always resent me for it in a way. And again...he kept saying he wanted to leave.
I know he will always be the victim and will not see what I really did and how I fought for us. I'll be the bad one in this scenario.

Stephczm

I just removed both Facebook and Instagram from my phone. I have my businesses on Facebook so I am not going to get off social media completely but at least I won't be distracted by it at home for now. Not ready to block him but if I dont see anything when I am in my home and in my head...the better. Just for my overall well being I dont need to be on social media much anyways.

Stephczm

Today is the "date" he set up publicly on FB and my mind is racing.

FallenAngelina

This is probably the best thing you can do for your own well being. For so many reasons.


This being just one. You don't need this kind of carp in your head messing up your plant based good vibrations for no dang reason. Really, stay off social media that is any smidge of a relation to him - or any other problematic person in your world. It's amazing how much better we can feel just by staying out of other people's virtual heads.

SparkleKitty

Steph, I guarantee he has not magically transformed into an ideal partner for someone else. This "date" represents nothing more than a desperate attempt to pretend that everything is okay for him, but you and I both know that is a fantasy.

trailmix

No he hasn't.

I completely understand that your mind is racing over it though. You were pondering stopping this but you weren't fully decided so that hurts!

Keep reminding yourself of what you have been over the past weeks since the "last" breakup. I take it you know how very destructive that is to you. These push/pull relationships take a big toll on you, on your self esteem, your self worth, it leaves you feeling fearful, in flight or fight mode, anxious etc etc - you know the drill. It's just not a good way to have to live your life.

The fact that he is doing this (if he really is) is just another show of what a miserable person he is. It shows his character and lack of integrity. He is just mean, that's the truth. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who can be that vindictive? It's not exactly a shining personality trait.

Pull up the list you have started and refer to it. Now would be a good time to continue work on it.

Despite the fact that this relationship is not good, it will still hurt. You had feelings invested and that's real. There will still be some grieving, anger etc. Be kind to yourself.

Stephczm

I know who the woman is...an old co worker and he didnt have any interest in her so I think it was just a drunk flirt on his fb. If he did go to see her I really don't think it was romantic but more of a tactic to get a reaction from me and to like you said...feel normal. He wrote to me at 330 asking if I am watching the Chiefs game. I didnt answer as I was leaving for a party. I finally just now wrote "I missed it" ( 5 hours later ) I cannot bring myself to be a bitch and cut him off completely but I do know this is something I will not get myself wrapped up in again romantically. It is toxic. Just at the party this guy was buzzing around me. Took pictures of me at the sunset..telling me "muy guapa" ( very beautiful) the attention felt good. Nothing I would be interested in (young musician...been there done that) but i did meet a really cool girl who is travelling here alone (I live on a tourist island) and her energy was awesome. And we made plans to hang out. I started a Plant Based eating group with cooking circles and in two months I have 88 members and three cooking circles and meeting great people one of which I took to the party. He would never go with me to these things. It was a party for a woman who owns a yoga studio...all healthy people. Felt good to 1) not feel abandoned that I asked him to go and it was "not his thing" or 2) him going and wanting to leave right away or I would feel obligated to make sure he was having a good time. 3) him bringing beer and just sitting there drinking.

I know I'll be okay. Thank you all again. I'll let you know if more developed from my vague response. I still feel I need to respond just vague and not often.

mylifeismine

"I cannot bring myself to be a bitch and cut him off completely but I do know this is something I will not get myself wrapped up in again romantically. It is toxic"

Many people on this site have blocked toxic people to protect themselves
from abuse and not one of them are bitches.

They are, however, smart, brave and courageous in my book.

FallenAngelina

This is stuff that you need to work on. He isn't making you feel this. It's possible to go to a party without a partner and feel completely at ease that the partner chooses not to go. It's possible to go to a party and engage with others irrespective of what a parter is choosing to do.

I know that it feels like his enormous ISSUES have power over you to make things feel as they do, but the truth is that nobody has that kind of power over you. You always have choices about how to think and how to see things. Knowing those healthier choices and making those healthier choices doesn't come in a snap, it takes a lot of practice. But the first step is recognizing that nobody, not even an alcoholic boyfriend, can make us feel abandoned when they don't want to go out and socialize with us. Taking responsibility for other adults' feelings and in turn, seeing other adults as responsible for our feelings is what's called enmeshment. This is something that you can work on and vastly improve, separate from whatever choices he is making about drinking and socializing.

Michsm

You deserve so much better than this! I hope you find the strength to move on.

Stephczm

I dont yet know how to quote in a reply but Fallen Angelina .. that is EXACTLY what I am trying to work on in therapy. Taking other peoples actions too personally and on my shoulders. My therapist always says.. once you know your self worth all of this will go away. Last session I finally asked outloud. What is this relationship teaching me? And she said.. FINALLY something about you... it is teaching you how to take care of yourself and work on your co-dependency.

Stephczm

I received a message from him last night. Not sure if he was drinking but I did not answer. ... didnt even open it so it looked like I was not online.

It said... I can see you don't want to have any communication with me... Maybe I'm wrong...But we arent even going to have a decent friendship this way... do you want to stop any contact with me.

It made me cry.

I was going over and over in my head last night what I wanted to answer...
I wanted to answer: Friendship? Where was my friend on Christmas Eve after I made dinner for 3 days. Where was my friend and respect for my parents Christmas day when you didnt show up.
Where was the communication for 3 weeks except asking me for your things.
Why is it that you decide when the friendship is active or not. And why is it that you decide when to communicate or not.

I opened the message this morning so that he now knows I read it. But I accidently sent a "sound byte" nothing was on it. But in whats app it sometimes is sensitive and the microphone sends "air"

I am at work now and so is he so this is buying me time to think.