He's admitted aloud he has an alcohol addiction and says he's quitting. I guess we are staying for..
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
He says I can write up my expectations and he'll sign in. I think it will go something like this...
I, XXXXX, know that in order to keep my family together and here with me in XXX, I must give up alcohol because of the affect it is having on my wife and my family. I am going to work with my therapist regularly to gain the tools I need to succeed. And if I cannot succeed with this alone (failure is defined as drinking/lying about drinking), I must start the intensive outpatient program here on the very next day available. If I choose not do start the IOP, I know my wife and children will move to XXXX until I've been sober at least 6 months, maybe more. And there will be no more mention of trying to moderate. I am welcome to try moderation once again, but I know my wife and children will not be here to witness it.
I, XXXXX, know that in order to keep my family together and here with me in XXX, I must give up alcohol because of the affect it is having on my wife and my family. I am going to work with my therapist regularly to gain the tools I need to succeed. And if I cannot succeed with this alone (failure is defined as drinking/lying about drinking), I must start the intensive outpatient program here on the very next day available. If I choose not do start the IOP, I know my wife and children will move to XXXX until I've been sober at least 6 months, maybe more. And there will be no more mention of trying to moderate. I am welcome to try moderation once again, but I know my wife and children will not be here to witness it.
This document will be worth less than the piece of paper it's written on. Him signing his name to your words will not prevent him from drinking. AND it's about him doing something for YOU instead of something he actually wants to do for himself. Him suggesting this is a desperate attempt to keep you there and keep the status quo.
If he were to, of his own volition, with no prompting, write you a heartfelt letter of apology and outline all the things he knew he had done wrong and what he was going to do differently, and how he was going to take all steps necessary to get well...if there were no attempts at manipulation, excuses or deflection...then that MIGHT be a more meaningful correspondence. (The hope would be that follow through of course.)
I understand that you writing out your expectations leaves no wiggle room for him to maneuver around the "rules" and then you can point to it and say,"that right there is why I'm leaving!". I guess that's something, but surely you don't need a written list of of the broken promises to make the decision to leave (or not). You both know what's what. A signed piece of paper wont change any of it.
Have you considered writing yourself a list of your own boundaries and what you will do about it when they get crossed? It's far more effective to hold ourselves accountable than it is trying to enforce others to behave the way we want them to.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
He convinced me that he has to drink at the Christmas Party Thursday night but he swears he won't get drunk or do anything that would make me mad. Gosh where have I heard this before? So many other times.
Just him drinking period makes me mad. But then he said AFTER that he's done. Did I mention I am an idiot? Clearly he's not serious. What in the world is wrong with me. I know everyone reading things GOODNESS GRACIOUS WOMAN.
Why do my feels drastically change about the situation when he's not around physically?! But when he is around and sober and I know he's sober I'm calm and hopeful. But when he's not around I can see reality better.
Something is wrong with me. I myself need help.
Just him drinking period makes me mad. But then he said AFTER that he's done. Did I mention I am an idiot? Clearly he's not serious. What in the world is wrong with me. I know everyone reading things GOODNESS GRACIOUS WOMAN.
Why do my feels drastically change about the situation when he's not around physically?! But when he is around and sober and I know he's sober I'm calm and hopeful. But when he's not around I can see reality better.
Something is wrong with me. I myself need help.
I am not thinking that at all. In fact, I was sitting here thinking that I could have written this. That instead of always feeling like I am making the wrong choice and I can't come here and say what I am thinking, that someone else thinks like me and I am not so crazy after all.
i don't put a lot of value on his words. I wait for actions. Currently, my AH is on Day 12 of sobriety. I have created zero plans or expectations around his choice. I hope he continues because it would be a great thing for him but I don't own his sobriety. When I started hearing "blah, blah, blah" in the place of his promises (no, really, I say it in my head as soon as he starts in) I stopped hearing the words he was saying and started waiting to SEE changes.
You have to do what you think is best for you and your family. It is easy for folks on the outside to tell you what they would do because they are not getting the whole story.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i too worry that you are feeling like you have CONTROL over the situation now - by having him sign a piece of paper, and by coming with you to visit family and then you returning together after the holiday. and by also firmly insisting that he is NOT allowed to move out of the home. you would rather uproot your children and move house than dare think of him "getting away with it". sadly that ship sailed over a decade ago.
if you being around was all that was needed for him to stop drinking permanently, that would have happened YEARS ago.
tell me what he is doing NOW, TODAY, about his drinking problem. as in right now. because so far it is still JUST WORDS - i will, i'm gonna, i promise. what actionable steps has he or IS he taking on December 18, 2019, time zone depending.
if you being around was all that was needed for him to stop drinking permanently, that would have happened YEARS ago.
tell me what he is doing NOW, TODAY, about his drinking problem. as in right now. because so far it is still JUST WORDS - i will, i'm gonna, i promise. what actionable steps has he or IS he taking on December 18, 2019, time zone depending.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Nada - he's doing nothing proactive about this other than not drinking (oh well except for tomorrows Christmas party....). He was very clear that all he'd do right now is not drink and start working with the therapist.
Also, the story about him not getting his 'me' time is really that if he doesn't come with me the day after Christmas to my family's house, he'll miss his families Christmas as well because that's our next stop. And I told him that I wasn't going to be the one to tell his dad he wasn't coming, and he decided it would be best if he just came with us. So that's not me controlling him, logistically it just works out that way otherwise he'd miss his family's Christmas (which I don't think he'd even thought about when talking about his 'me' time).
And I know, that paper is really for me isn't it................ he knows. He knows.
Also, the story about him not getting his 'me' time is really that if he doesn't come with me the day after Christmas to my family's house, he'll miss his families Christmas as well because that's our next stop. And I told him that I wasn't going to be the one to tell his dad he wasn't coming, and he decided it would be best if he just came with us. So that's not me controlling him, logistically it just works out that way otherwise he'd miss his family's Christmas (which I don't think he'd even thought about when talking about his 'me' time).
And I know, that paper is really for me isn't it................ he knows. He knows.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and you are not willing to force the issue and say if he drinks at all anymore from NOW forward, that's it? you are granting him permission if you will to drink tomorrow and THEN that's it? do you see how he is being rewarded for doing absolutely nothing? it's like you are playdough and he gets to keep squishing and shaping how you all fit AROUND him and his drinking. and meanwhile, NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
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You are exactly right. I am being played like a fiddle for the Christmas party tomorrow. I tried to enforce him not drinking but he ended up turning it around on me and I felt bad at the end of the conversation. Ridiculous I know. Sometimes I feel like I am talking about somebody else’s life.
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
Sometimes I feel like I am talking about somebody else’s life.
And yes.. more is always revealed...always
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
You are exactly right. I am being played like a fiddle for the Christmas party tomorrow. I tried to enforce him not drinking but he ended up turning it around on me and I felt bad at the end of the conversation. Ridiculous I know. Sometimes I feel like I am talking about somebody else’s life.
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
None of these things have actually been your decision at all, he is just playing his best bets and getting you to go along with it.
As long as you know that, well you are ahead of the "game".
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
You are exactly right. I am being played like a fiddle for the Christmas party tomorrow. I tried to enforce him not drinking but he ended up turning it around on me and I felt bad at the end of the conversation. Ridiculous I know. Sometimes I feel like I am talking about somebody else’s life.
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
But yes, that is the situation now. Tomorrow night and then he is all done. As you guys say, more will be revealed……
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
What I am feeling right now is hopeful for the future. He is telling me everything is going to work out and he is going to fix this and I should not worry. The logical side of my brain knows the likely reality, but I do have some hope that he will find away. Maybe it is just self-preservation. Maybe it is because I could not handle having all of our friends at our house tomorrow night thinking anything else. I guess right now I am just taking it a day at a time, walking with my eyes wide open though.
I keep thinking about that story I read on a recent post, thank you whoever posted it, about the man who spent the entire day wanting to go to the liquor store trying to find a way not to but knowing he was going to give in and he took all of his clothes off in his kitchen put catchup on the floor and rolled around in it to keep himself from walking out the door, and then the urge passed after he showered. Now that is someone who wants so badly to fix things in his life, that is actually doing. That was a helpful story, it has resonated with me. It shows me what doing actually looks like.
I keep thinking about that story I read on a recent post, thank you whoever posted it, about the man who spent the entire day wanting to go to the liquor store trying to find a way not to but knowing he was going to give in and he took all of his clothes off in his kitchen put catchup on the floor and rolled around in it to keep himself from walking out the door, and then the urge passed after he showered. Now that is someone who wants so badly to fix things in his life, that is actually doing. That was a helpful story, it has resonated with me. It shows me what doing actually looks like.
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Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Just one thought FWN -- I wouldn't write up this 'contract' for him, because it puts you back in the policing role, like giving him permission to drink at the party. He knows what he has to do, and he knows the consequences. If he wants a contract he can write it himself and sign it, but it has zero to do with the decisions you will make for the welfare of your family.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
No judgement here, your days right now are filled with emotions-
anger, anxiety, indecision, frustration, confusion - it is utter misery.
I had never seen the story about the ketchup - yes it shows action
on his part. But vital to your well being is action on your part.
Like going to alanon. You may have heard that it helps some,
others not so much. Its not like you go there and get "fixed".
It takes time and effort to unwrap all the layers that you have
created to cope with living with an active alcoholic. The extent
of what you have been enduring and how it has affected
you is revealed in steps, not all at once.
But it is also the act of going somewhere, for you, somewhere
out in the world, to help you cope with how the alcoholism
has affected you. For as stunned as we may be to see how
much denial the alcoholic has for the extent of his/her addiction,
we can not see the extent to which we have been impacted
and need help too. Going out into the world for help, Alanon,
or a therapist, helps to make it all real and concrete for you
and him.
But that does not impact his decision to drink or get into
recovery. I knew I was getting better when I worried about
his drinking as much as I worried about controlling the
weather, for they are in the same league.
anger, anxiety, indecision, frustration, confusion - it is utter misery.
I had never seen the story about the ketchup - yes it shows action
on his part. But vital to your well being is action on your part.
Like going to alanon. You may have heard that it helps some,
others not so much. Its not like you go there and get "fixed".
It takes time and effort to unwrap all the layers that you have
created to cope with living with an active alcoholic. The extent
of what you have been enduring and how it has affected
you is revealed in steps, not all at once.
But it is also the act of going somewhere, for you, somewhere
out in the world, to help you cope with how the alcoholism
has affected you. For as stunned as we may be to see how
much denial the alcoholic has for the extent of his/her addiction,
we can not see the extent to which we have been impacted
and need help too. Going out into the world for help, Alanon,
or a therapist, helps to make it all real and concrete for you
and him.
But that does not impact his decision to drink or get into
recovery. I knew I was getting better when I worried about
his drinking as much as I worried about controlling the
weather, for they are in the same league.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
FWN, you don't have to justify your decision here. Many who have walked in your shoes only want to save you from the kind of pain they have endured in the same situation. We all have our own path to follow 
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Each hour and day as they come.
Wishing you peace, strength, and clarity.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Each hour and day as they come.
Wishing you peace, strength, and clarity.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This....absolutely....
Originally Posted by Seren
FWN, you don't have to justify your decision here. Many who have walked in your shoes only want to save you from the kind of pain they have endured in the same situation. We all have our own path to follow
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Each hour and day as they come.
Wishing you peace, strength, and clarity.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Each hour and day as they come.
Wishing you peace, strength, and clarity.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Lots of good advice here, and certainly no judgement. When you build a life with someone, you of course want to trust and believe them.
It is not for me to say whether he will embrace recovery, I really really hope he does. Like Hawkeye, I did. It is possible.
The one thing that concerns me the most though... that Christmas party thing. When you’re ready to quit, you quit. If you’re planning for future drinking, you aren’t done.
thats just my personal experience with myself and others.
It is not for me to say whether he will embrace recovery, I really really hope he does. Like Hawkeye, I did. It is possible.
The one thing that concerns me the most though... that Christmas party thing. When you’re ready to quit, you quit. If you’re planning for future drinking, you aren’t done.
thats just my personal experience with myself and others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Yep - last night was the Christmas party. He promised me he wouldn’t get drunk and I’m sure he did. I stayed away from him. Seeing him drink and hearing him talk after he’s been drinking is SO triggering for me. I literally feel like I hate my spouse when he drinks.
So many drunk people. Men. Women. I had a single glass of wine over 5 hours, and I used to like drinking more. I see things through a totally different lense now. And I know I cannot feel like crap the next day because I have children to care for.
At least I know this is it. I’m at the end of my road with him drinking. I don’t have any more give left. I hate it so much. The easiest thing I can do when he does is just to tell him to move out immediately and then I’ll have more time and space to figure out my plans and where I want to he geographically.
I want to be happy and right now I’m so unhappy. Although I’m still in a place where I seem to be able to bound back into somewhat happy territory when he goes a while without drinking. That’s what’s best for our family. But I just cannot take any more drinking. At the same time I know he’s not there yet. He’s nowhere near a place he wants to quit.
So many drunk people. Men. Women. I had a single glass of wine over 5 hours, and I used to like drinking more. I see things through a totally different lense now. And I know I cannot feel like crap the next day because I have children to care for.
At least I know this is it. I’m at the end of my road with him drinking. I don’t have any more give left. I hate it so much. The easiest thing I can do when he does is just to tell him to move out immediately and then I’ll have more time and space to figure out my plans and where I want to he geographically.
I want to be happy and right now I’m so unhappy. Although I’m still in a place where I seem to be able to bound back into somewhat happy territory when he goes a while without drinking. That’s what’s best for our family. But I just cannot take any more drinking. At the same time I know he’s not there yet. He’s nowhere near a place he wants to quit.
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