Worried about XAH mental health.... rapid decline
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Worried about XAH mental health.... rapid decline
I know I shouldn’t be and I’m trying to stay on my side of the street. But he’s still the father of my two youngest children. And this is now affecting my own mental health too. I’m not sleeping. My family (my own mother mainly) sympathise with him and I am getting “poor man” vibes and “He’s not a well man you need to be less hard on him” when I want to vent - these type of comments don’t help my feeling of guilt.
he has told me he’s been prescribed diazepam and 100mg Prozac as he’s having a mental breakdown. He’s been referred to the local mental health team as he’s feeling suicidal after we left him. He’s broken down crying in front of me several times saying he’s struggling. He feels he has nothing to live for anymore. He’s still drinking as far as I know and has not acknowledged he has a drink problem. He still smells bad. Doesn’t shave. Not sure he washes or changes his clothes except for work at weekends. (Bar work) Diazepam and alcohol do not mix well I’m sure.
he still only sees the children at my house. He still doesn’t invite them to his but at the moment I feel it’s safer for them this way. He’s not hanging around like he was doing, he’s spending less and less time here and maybe two three times a week he pops in and stays half an hour. He’s distant and doesn’t say much. Kids don’t seem too worried but I’m sure they must have noticed.
He’s lost loads of weight and looks thin, drawn, old and his eyes are blood shot and spaced. He doesn’t know what day it is and today when trying to make conversation, I mentioned Donald Trump being impeached ... he knew nothing about it. Genuine shock on his face. How could he not have even been aware of the biggest news story at the moment? He said he doesn’t watch tv or listen to the radio anymore.
He is due to come to ours for Christmas dinner... a request from the children they are so happy about this and they love Daddy’s roast potatoes etc... but it’s something I regret agreeing to because I’m dreading it - will he drink or won’t he? Will he fall asleep on the couch? I want to drink a couple of glasses of Prosecco myself so what a hypocrite if I ask that he doesn’t?
As it’s our first Christmas as a separated couple the rules are fuzzy and I have basically been terrified he might commit suicide if he’s left alone on Christmas Day with his health the way it is. I think I can cope one night if he drinks... he drinks - it will be a stark reminder to the kids why we left him and it will also be the last time he’s ever invited for christmas.
he has a brother and sister in law, nieces and nephews and a couple of good friends he could have gone to - they have all cut contact with me since I left him. Ive no idea if any of them are aware of his alcoholism or breakdown. I suspect not. Nobody lives close.
I don’t know what I’m expecting.. just some sort of peace in my own head that it’s not my fault he’s like this. I know he was abusive. I know I was co dependant and I’m aware his issues are his - not mine. But it does affect my children if their father dies. The guilt is twisting me up inside. My head tells me he did this to himself. He left us years ago by drinking himself into oblivion every night. He was never present for us and his vile moods drove us away. But my heart tells me still That I’ve done this to him - I pulled the plug. I tipped him over the edge by leaving him so he feels he’s nothing left to live for.
he has told me he’s been prescribed diazepam and 100mg Prozac as he’s having a mental breakdown. He’s been referred to the local mental health team as he’s feeling suicidal after we left him. He’s broken down crying in front of me several times saying he’s struggling. He feels he has nothing to live for anymore. He’s still drinking as far as I know and has not acknowledged he has a drink problem. He still smells bad. Doesn’t shave. Not sure he washes or changes his clothes except for work at weekends. (Bar work) Diazepam and alcohol do not mix well I’m sure.
he still only sees the children at my house. He still doesn’t invite them to his but at the moment I feel it’s safer for them this way. He’s not hanging around like he was doing, he’s spending less and less time here and maybe two three times a week he pops in and stays half an hour. He’s distant and doesn’t say much. Kids don’t seem too worried but I’m sure they must have noticed.
He’s lost loads of weight and looks thin, drawn, old and his eyes are blood shot and spaced. He doesn’t know what day it is and today when trying to make conversation, I mentioned Donald Trump being impeached ... he knew nothing about it. Genuine shock on his face. How could he not have even been aware of the biggest news story at the moment? He said he doesn’t watch tv or listen to the radio anymore.
He is due to come to ours for Christmas dinner... a request from the children they are so happy about this and they love Daddy’s roast potatoes etc... but it’s something I regret agreeing to because I’m dreading it - will he drink or won’t he? Will he fall asleep on the couch? I want to drink a couple of glasses of Prosecco myself so what a hypocrite if I ask that he doesn’t?
As it’s our first Christmas as a separated couple the rules are fuzzy and I have basically been terrified he might commit suicide if he’s left alone on Christmas Day with his health the way it is. I think I can cope one night if he drinks... he drinks - it will be a stark reminder to the kids why we left him and it will also be the last time he’s ever invited for christmas.
he has a brother and sister in law, nieces and nephews and a couple of good friends he could have gone to - they have all cut contact with me since I left him. Ive no idea if any of them are aware of his alcoholism or breakdown. I suspect not. Nobody lives close.
I don’t know what I’m expecting.. just some sort of peace in my own head that it’s not my fault he’s like this. I know he was abusive. I know I was co dependant and I’m aware his issues are his - not mine. But it does affect my children if their father dies. The guilt is twisting me up inside. My head tells me he did this to himself. He left us years ago by drinking himself into oblivion every night. He was never present for us and his vile moods drove us away. But my heart tells me still That I’ve done this to him - I pulled the plug. I tipped him over the edge by leaving him so he feels he’s nothing left to live for.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
I tipped him over the edge by leaving him so he feels he’s nothing left to live for.
That is the absolute truth.
You absolutely didn't push him over the edge, he has jumped over the edge. When you start doubting yourself, please go back and read your last thread.
You can't save him from himself. He is on the decline, he says, because you left him? Well then what explains the decline when he was living with you all? Would he magically be ok now and quit drinking and get in to rehab and on the road to recovery if you let him move in today? Not a chance (not that that should happen anyway, you know what I mean).
You are just handy to place blame on. You were not put on this earth to sacrifice yourself for him.
Only he can help himself, although perhaps an apt gift for xmas would be the big book of AA. There are meetings every day. I don't say that being sarcastic or judging him, I'm serious.
"He’s lost loads of weight and looks thin, drawn, old and his eyes are blood shot and spaced".
This is because he is an alcoholic, well in to his addiction. He probably was one when you met and still is. This has nothing to do with you.
Don't take on this burden, you can't change his behaviour, I hope you will focus back on yourself and your children.
“He’s not a well man you need to be less hard on him”
He isn't well, that's true, how are you being hard on him??
As for xmas, you get to decide if he drinks in your home or not. You can warn him beforehand if it is to be a "dry" xmas if you would like to. For me, I wouldn't drink either personally, just out of politeness. But it's your house, you get to choose.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
You invited him for Christmas because your kids are trying to do the impossible...turn back the clock. You get through it best you can, I guess. If he gets drunk, call him a taxi and send him home.
He’s seeing mental health professionals, who spend years in training to know how best to deal with this. They’re as equipped as anyone is. If in fact they’re giving ongoing diazepam to an alcoholic that means he lied to them about his drinking.
He’s going to do what he’s going to do. That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. If he tries to corner you for his pity party, tell him it’s Christmas and he can change the subject or leave.
He’s doing his best to make his problem yours. Do your best not to let that happen, yes?
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
You invited him for Christmas because your kids are trying to do the impossible...turn back the clock. You get through it best you can, I guess. If he gets drunk, call him a taxi and send him home.
He’s seeing mental health professionals, who spend years in training to know how best to deal with this. They’re as equipped as anyone is. If in fact they’re giving ongoing diazepam to an alcoholic that means he lied to them about his drinking.
He’s going to do what he’s going to do. That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. If he tries to corner you for his pity party, tell him it’s Christmas and he can change the subject or leave.
He’s doing his best to make his problem yours. Do your best not to let that happen, yes?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It's really heart-wrenching to experience what you're going through. He is self-destructing, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. It sounds like someone accelerating down the slope of alcoholism.
There is help out there if he chooses to get it, but you can't help him. He got to where he is now by his own choices, and that is the only way he will get out - if he does get out. It is really, really sad to watch a human being deteriorate but please don't let guilt compound the sadness. You saved yourself and your kids. That is all you could have done.
There is help out there if he chooses to get it, but you can't help him. He got to where he is now by his own choices, and that is the only way he will get out - if he does get out. It is really, really sad to watch a human being deteriorate but please don't let guilt compound the sadness. You saved yourself and your kids. That is all you could have done.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
What does your heart tell you about what you need to do for yourself and your children? It is not your fault, his addiction is lying to you. We absolutely
do not have that kind of power, you don't. It's tragic and very sad, but
guilt really is not the appropriate emotion here. I understand
how hard it is, but the reality is
It's not in your control
It's not your fault
Saying gently, its best to only vent to those who really
understand addiction and can be objective about him.
do not have that kind of power, you don't. It's tragic and very sad, but
guilt really is not the appropriate emotion here. I understand
how hard it is, but the reality is
It's not in your control
It's not your fault
Saying gently, its best to only vent to those who really
understand addiction and can be objective about him.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Maybe it's worth sending a group text message out to his relatives so at least they are aware. Then maybe block them right afterwards in order to not face any potential negative feedback, but at least they will be aware and perhaps get involved as a family. I would think it could only help his cause---
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is absolutely 100% not your fault. Bad and abusive behaviors are not something one can ignore. Of course you cannot stay with someone who is like that. Bad behaviors have consequences and he is not dealing well with those. Not to be callus, but it's just not your fault.
If you have the address of a family member or friend, I would write them a letter and explain that you are worried about his state of mind that he is really not in a good way.
This is all just my two cents. I am so sorry, it's so hard.
Sending you lots of support and many hugs!
If you have the address of a family member or friend, I would write them a letter and explain that you are worried about his state of mind that he is really not in a good way.
This is all just my two cents. I am so sorry, it's so hard.
Sending you lots of support and many hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he COULD choose to quit drinking. but he does not.
he COULD be sober and have a lot more time with his children. but he does not.
he COULD quit feeling sorry for himself, take a damn shower, and eat a regular meal. but he does not.
you are simply not so powerful as to have THIS type of influence and affect another human being. because if you were that powerful, you could also sober him up and straighten him out.
he was and still is a toxic person. what you are seeing on him physically is the culmination of all that nasty violent mean persona leeching out of him now. the abusive mind and the alcoholism have progressed and this is where HE IS TODAY.
he has choices. and he is living out his choices now.
he COULD be sober and have a lot more time with his children. but he does not.
he COULD quit feeling sorry for himself, take a damn shower, and eat a regular meal. but he does not.
you are simply not so powerful as to have THIS type of influence and affect another human being. because if you were that powerful, you could also sober him up and straighten him out.
he was and still is a toxic person. what you are seeing on him physically is the culmination of all that nasty violent mean persona leeching out of him now. the abusive mind and the alcoholism have progressed and this is where HE IS TODAY.
he has choices. and he is living out his choices now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thankyou all these replies really help a LOT. I feel a little better that it’s been freshly confirmed by you all as people that know about alcoholism... it’s really not my fault nor “duty” to fix him. It’s hard to switch off the feelings.
tonight he came back to my house briefly to drop off something. He seemed brighter than when I’d seen him three hours earlier. Instantly I assume he’s had a drink. As he left he said he’d transfer some money into my account for the kids if I could I order for him - the games they wanted from Amazon, (as he’s not got Prime delivery) .... 🙄
then he chatted about a job he’d done last weekend (he cleans carpets) for a guy that had soiled the bed and carpets everywhere as he had been in the last stages of alcoholism. Two weeks left to live apparently ... the guys daughter told my XAH her father “drank half a litre of whiskey a day” ... he told me this whilst shaking his head ... “can you believe it? No wonder eh? Kidneys have finally packed in” he said, in disbelief. 🦆
open mouthed yet again at the absolute brass neck of him talking like this about someone else - this from a man who drinks a litre of cider, half a litre of gin and a bottle of red wine per day. My feelings are up and down like a yo yo and one minute I’m crying, the next I’m raging mad at the lies.
oh he hasn’t sent the money for the kids christmas pressies either.
tonight he came back to my house briefly to drop off something. He seemed brighter than when I’d seen him three hours earlier. Instantly I assume he’s had a drink. As he left he said he’d transfer some money into my account for the kids if I could I order for him - the games they wanted from Amazon, (as he’s not got Prime delivery) .... 🙄
then he chatted about a job he’d done last weekend (he cleans carpets) for a guy that had soiled the bed and carpets everywhere as he had been in the last stages of alcoholism. Two weeks left to live apparently ... the guys daughter told my XAH her father “drank half a litre of whiskey a day” ... he told me this whilst shaking his head ... “can you believe it? No wonder eh? Kidneys have finally packed in” he said, in disbelief. 🦆
open mouthed yet again at the absolute brass neck of him talking like this about someone else - this from a man who drinks a litre of cider, half a litre of gin and a bottle of red wine per day. My feelings are up and down like a yo yo and one minute I’m crying, the next I’m raging mad at the lies.
oh he hasn’t sent the money for the kids christmas pressies either.
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Location: maine
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons
I want to drink a couple of glasses of Prosecco myself so what a hypocrite if I ask that he doesn’t?
....
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
he has a brother and sister in law, nieces and nephews and a couple of good friends he could have gone to - they have all cut contact with me since I left him. Ive no idea if any of them are aware of his alcoholism ... Nobody lives close.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
this from a man who drinks a litre of cider, half a litre of gin and a bottle of red wine per day.
A neighbor's colleague went into the hospital for abdominal pain, turned out he had an ulcer. Brilliant soul that he was, he'd thought taking aspirin for the pain in his stomach was a good idea. Neighbor and colleagues were all astounded because the hospital put him in the detox unit for his alcoholism. "He's not an alcoholic, he only drinks beer!" they all said.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
I understand that horrific guilt when you leave and they fall completely apart and drink all day, every day. HOWEVER, the only reason he is worse now is that his co-dependent isn't there to keep him under some level of control. That is NOT your job. You are not his mother, nurse, or priest. You were supposed to be his partner - his wife - not his caretaker while he made endless bad decisions and subjected you and your children to chaos and trauma.
I had people in my life, too, who said things like, "That poor man." Or "show some compassion." They stopped doing that when 1) I told them those comments made me feel even worse, and that 2) I showed tons of compassion for many years when I gave him chance after chance after chance and he kept drinking and lying. Understand that people who make those comments are not the ones living with the alcoholic. They have no idea what it's like. They want to appear as paragons of virtue when they're not the ones suffering the consequences. To **** with them!
Let go or be dragged. He is spiraling down the drain and would have pulled you down with him if you hadn't had the courage, self-awareness, and strength to leave with your children. He is living out the consequences of his own reckless, self-destructive behavior. You didn't leave a man who was sick with cancer or some other ailment not of his making. You left a man who is physically and mentally in shambles because of his OWN LIFE CHOICES. You have the right to a life free of the pain caused by another's bad behavior.
My XAH is, no doubt, killing himself with alcohol. His siblings (except one) no longer talk to him. His neighbors steer clear. His sons hardly interact with him at all. Local bars will no longer serve him. People joke about the drunk weaving down the aisles in the grocery store. The police are waiting for him to make one mistake while driving so they can get him for DUI.
Do I feel guilt? At first, so bad I thought it would destroy me. But not anymore. He created this nightmare, and he willfully continues to live it...not seeking treatment, alienating everyone, and always, always, playing the victim.
Please....try to quit obsessing over him. Your focus should be on yourself and your kids, not him. In time, you will be able to do that, trust me!
Sending big hugs to you!
I had people in my life, too, who said things like, "That poor man." Or "show some compassion." They stopped doing that when 1) I told them those comments made me feel even worse, and that 2) I showed tons of compassion for many years when I gave him chance after chance after chance and he kept drinking and lying. Understand that people who make those comments are not the ones living with the alcoholic. They have no idea what it's like. They want to appear as paragons of virtue when they're not the ones suffering the consequences. To **** with them!
Let go or be dragged. He is spiraling down the drain and would have pulled you down with him if you hadn't had the courage, self-awareness, and strength to leave with your children. He is living out the consequences of his own reckless, self-destructive behavior. You didn't leave a man who was sick with cancer or some other ailment not of his making. You left a man who is physically and mentally in shambles because of his OWN LIFE CHOICES. You have the right to a life free of the pain caused by another's bad behavior.
My XAH is, no doubt, killing himself with alcohol. His siblings (except one) no longer talk to him. His neighbors steer clear. His sons hardly interact with him at all. Local bars will no longer serve him. People joke about the drunk weaving down the aisles in the grocery store. The police are waiting for him to make one mistake while driving so they can get him for DUI.
Do I feel guilt? At first, so bad I thought it would destroy me. But not anymore. He created this nightmare, and he willfully continues to live it...not seeking treatment, alienating everyone, and always, always, playing the victim.
Please....try to quit obsessing over him. Your focus should be on yourself and your kids, not him. In time, you will be able to do that, trust me!
Sending big hugs to you!
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