baby steps

Old 11-30-2019, 06:22 AM
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baby steps

I went to my first meeting al-anon meeting last night and I am not sure how I feel about it. I am not a religious person, so the "god" part is uncomfortable for me. I did hear a lot of shares that I can relate to. So I will probably keep going because I know it is what I need. Validation that I'm not crazy is incredibly important to me as I have been gaslighted to believe that I was the problem, and that when I voiced my opinion I was the crazy one and I needed help. Well he was right on that part I was the crazy one for sticking around for so many wasted years. And yes I do need help to change my ways of thinking. However I wish that I could stop thinking about him. The promises that were made that I was dumb enough to believe. I miss him. I know he has potential. But I know I cannot watch somebody I loved slowly kill themselves. I can't be with somebody who lies to me. I can't be with somebody who trash talks about me to other people to make himself look like the victim. I know in my logical brain that this has been incredibly unhealthy for me for such a long time that this had become my new normal. And I know I have to break the cycle of my own self destructiveness that I have been going through for so many years.
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Old 11-30-2019, 06:36 AM
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Glad you made it to a meeting, geneva. Regarding the "god" thing--one of the sayings you'll likely hear at Alanon is "take what you like and leave the rest." So if that part doesn't ring true for you, just let it slide by and focus on what does resonate.

I'm not religious either, and I was somewhat uncomfortable w/that portion of the meetings in the beginning too. Eventually I decided I was serious enough about getting help for myself that I'd take it wherever I could find it, even if the source wasn't "perfect", in my eyes. You might feel the same over time.
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Old 11-30-2019, 07:29 AM
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Hello Geneva
I'm glad you made it to Al-Anon. I relate to much of what you post.

In my home meeting some years ago, many of us were uncomfortable with the "God" word. We tried an experiment one night. As we read from the literature each of us changed the "G" word to a word more comfortable for us. There were many variations ..... higher power, mother nature, the universe, god how I understand god, chi, the cosmos, unseen forces working for the higher good .... and so on. In the end we all decided that G.O.D. was a nice easy short version of something that we all understand as Good Oderly Direction. We've used the god word ever since.

I'm not suggesting you ask your whole meeting to change the word but you could change it in your head every time it comes up and see if it takes the discomfort away for you.

Also they say in Al-Anon, come to six meetings before you decide it's not for you.
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Old 11-30-2019, 08:29 AM
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Thank you for the responses. Yes I will continue on with the meetings as they are exactly what I need at the moment and probably for awhile. Right now I need the support as I am feeling so lost and stressed. Thank you for all your words of encouragement!
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Old 11-30-2019, 11:55 AM
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geneva, you have been put through the wringer, obviously. As you mention the insanity of addiction affects everyone within close proximity to the alcoholic.

It's just inevitable.

The fact that you are reaching out for help, the fact that you are going to continue going to Al-Anon, these are very good signs, you are coming out of the fog.

It's not easy! You already know this, I know. It's painful.

You're not crazy, it will be a wonderful thing when you can be back to yourself and realize this wasn't about you.

You might find these articles helpful:

Excuses Alcoholics Make

It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!

Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his (actually, of his addiction's) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.

I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
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