baby steps
I went to my first meeting al-anon meeting last night and I am not sure how I feel about it. I am not a religious person, so the "god" part is uncomfortable for me. I did hear a lot of shares that I can relate to. So I will probably keep going because I know it is what I need. Validation that I'm not crazy is incredibly important to me as I have been gaslighted to believe that I was the problem, and that when I voiced my opinion I was the crazy one and I needed help. Well he was right on that part I was the crazy one for sticking around for so many wasted years. And yes I do need help to change my ways of thinking. However I wish that I could stop thinking about him. The promises that were made that I was dumb enough to believe. I miss him. I know he has potential. But I know I cannot watch somebody I loved slowly kill themselves. I can't be with somebody who lies to me. I can't be with somebody who trash talks about me to other people to make himself look like the victim. I know in my logical brain that this has been incredibly unhealthy for me for such a long time that this had become my new normal. And I know I have to break the cycle of my own self destructiveness that I have been going through for so many years.