Emeraldgirl

I've been dating a RA for 7 months. He's been sober for over 5 years. We met through a common interest and just kind of hit it off from the start. Started spending more and more time together pretty quickly. We would get together a few times a week after work on the nights neither of us had classes or that he didn't have volunteer work. He's 40 and I'm 47. We had started texting pretty much every day. Sometimes him, sometimes me initiating contact. Everything was going great between the two of us. He is not comfortable with large groups of people. He had not seen anyone since becoming sober. At first he had said he wasn't sure about getting into a relationship but a couple of weeks later said he "wanted to see where things went." As months went on we started taking out of town trips and things became intimate fast. The intimacy was initiated by him as I was hesitant based on what he'd initially said about relationships. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I had to leave town for a family matter. I invited him to go along, but he wasn't comfortable or ready to do that.
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He is ​​​​​a very caring person and I know he cares about me very much. He has let me in as he has not let anyone else in more years than he's been sober. He also refuses to tell even the smallest lie. He cannot accept dishonesty in any way. It was simply amazing for me to have this wonderful man want to be a part of my life. I had previously had a bad experience and was more than a little gun shy myself.

Before my departure he had started having some difficulty at work due to management changes and nepetism issues relating to an inept supervisor. Things all came to a head while I was away. We were texting often, even more than usual. He was interested as always in how I was and what I was doing. All the while filling me in on his life and work situation. Turned out the work situation (he also lives on site) fell apart a few day before I got back. He let me know the basics of what happened but also said he didn't want me to worry. His spirits seemed okay at the time. We continued to stay in touch a couple more days until I got back from the trip and made arrangements to get together right after work as soon as I got back.

We met at one of our usual spots where after he asked me about my trip, which I told him I detail, he said he was going to be leaving the immediate area and wouldn't be able to see me anymore. Though I was careful to never use the word relationship or refer to him as my boyfriend he was letting me know that he felt he had to break up with me. I asked him if there was something I had done or if there was someone else and he said absolutely not to both. He said things had went farther than he wanted and that he wasn't going to have time for me right now. This was very shocking to me and didn't make much sense. To me, being busy and not in the immediate area (45 mins away) would not be reason enough to lose such an important person in my life. He said he wanted more for me and that I deserved more. I told him that I thought we should let the dust settle before deciding what to do going forward, but my words fell on deaf ears. I was so stunned that I wasn't able to express myself very well. By the end of our conversation it was dark, but I do believe that he was crying. He held me the whole time we were talking. I was shivering, I think from the shock of it all.

Now, not quite a month later, I've heard from him a handful of times. Usually light conversations by text go okay, but anything beyond that is not welcomed by him. He says he wants to stay in my life and that I am very important to him. He says there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there isn't anyone else and there isn't going to be. He's said things like "taking things 24 hours at a time" and that he's "on the road with God."

Mostly, I'm worried about his well-being as well as missing him terribly. I don't enter into relationships lightly and this has hurt me deeply.

I have recently started attending Al-Anon in order to get a better understanding of myself and him. My step father growing up was a severe alcoholic and I know his treatment of me has resulted in some self esteem issues.

For now, I'm just doing what I can to cope with the loss. ☹️

ironwill

Emeraldgirl,

Thanks for sharing. Something is just not adding up. It sounds like you care for him deeply. It also sounds like he cared for you. 45 min away is not that far to keep up a relationship since he had to move. Sure it's not 5 min down the road. But it is still more than doable. I hope he opens up to you at some point and lets you know what the real issue is. I'm glad you started AL-Anon. it will help you alot. It has me. Just keep posting here with any issues you might have. A lot of smart people here that help you with all your issues. Keep being strong and have a great day.

atalose

Believe him.

It sounds like you are resisting accepting what he has told you. Maybe remaining in contact with him at this point is not in your best interest and is not going to heal your broken heart.

It’s good you are going to al-anon and I hope you stick with it. I hope it helps you realize and understand that sticking around and hoping he changes his mind, changes his feelings, changes his ways is not going to bring you the desired outcome you are hoping for but will only continue your hurt and pain.

An important question to ask yourself is why you felt this………….

I think you have something so many others never get – honesty from the alcoholic. It’s hard when we feel one way about someone and they feel something different. It doesn’t mean he didn’t/doesn’t care about you it means he respects you enough to tell you the truth. And that respect has to be mutual by you in accepting him for who and how he is not how you wish he would be.

trailmix

I posted your reply from the other thread here.

It is great that he can be honest with you, even though what he is saying is pretty hurtful to you.

He sounds pretty clear in his resolve. He mentioned early on that he hadn't been in a relationship for 5 years, since getting sober. That's pretty telling. Not that there is anything wrong with being single - there absolutely is not, however he mentioned that he wasn't sure about getting in to a relationship, so that's the telling part.

He may have problems with commitment, may have been really hurt before, may be terrified of relapsing, who knows?

The bottom line is, he cannot be in a relationship right now.

Here is something to maybe think about. All is going well, you two are happy together then you meet for coffee and "poof" he has decided to leave the relationship.

Now, that's his prerogative but the fact that there was no conversation before this is a bit odd don't you think? Also, why were you careful not to call it a relationship or call him your boyfriend?

I'm guessing there was more going on here?

Emeraldgirl

Thank you for the kind response. And yes, I do care for him a great deal and truly believe that he feels/felt the same way about me. I also agree that it's not so far away that we couldn't make something work. Sure, it would not have been the same as before but that wouldn't have mattered to me at all. He's worth it, as am I. When I attempted to discuss this with him he just wasn't hearing me. In his defense, he'd had a long day, had been under so much stress of late, not to mention the added stress of planning to talk to me that I wasn't going to push any issue with him at that point.

Part of why I posted here was to see if other's thought he was just plain overwhelmed by everything going on in his life and did this in order to safely preserve his sobriety? That is what I suspected may be going on but didn't have any experience in this area to fall back on. His sobriety is of utmost importance. I wouldn't want him to risk that for me or anybody else. He wouldn't be the man I know him to be without it.

Thanks again for your kind words, they are much appreciated!

Emeraldgirl

Thanks again for your input. And no, there's not really anything additional going on here. I've pretty much laid it all out...I think. The only reason I never used the words boyfriend or relationship was due to his early on having told me he wasn't really looking for a relationship. Once he said he wanted to "see where things went with us" after expressing his feelings for me I thought that perhaps the labels of boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship (which I don't need) was something that made him uncomfortable. And since those labels don't mean anything to me - it was more about how we were together and our mutual feelings - I didn't bother to bring it up.

And yes, the sudden end was quite shocking to me. The only thing I can think of is the cumulative pressure of everything going on in his life right now. Oh, one thing he did mention the last time we spoke in person was that he had really worried about me during my recent trip. He doesn't mention things like that lightly so perhaps the fact that he did worry about me during this stressful time was over the top for him? I honestly don't know what else to think.

I will work my way through this and come out the other side. Really, I would just like to know what precipitated this change. And I may never get that answer either.

Emeraldgirl

Thank you for the wonderful input and advice. The last thing I want to do is continue to hurt so much about this or to cause him any additional worry or stress as he has so much on his plate already.

You are right about the honesty, and I realize this level of honesty is quite rare, for an alcoholic or otherwise. I guess that and caring about him the way that I do and knowing what a wonderful man he is makes this break all the harder for me. But I will work my way through this regardless of how difficult it seems and how much it currently hurts me. I do hope that because of his current situation, whatever exactly that may be, that he isn't feeling that he is no longer worthy of me.

The only reason I refrained from using the boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship terminology was due to his originally being uncomfortable with a relationship in general. As I mentioned in another response, once he had expressed his feelings for me and said that he'd like to see where things went with us I still refrained from using those terms just in case it was the labels themselves that bothered him. I don't need the label, for me it's more about the feelings for the other person and how things are between the two of us.

Al-Anon is definitely going to stay in my life for the foreseeable future. Not just due to this but also because I spent most of my teenage years with a severe alcoholic for a step-father. Hope to learn a lot about myself and move forward with as much grace as I can muster.

Thanks again!

trailmix

There was a great analogy posted once ( by another member, Anvilhead,) that I think applies, let me see if I can find it.

trailmix

This is the one I was thinking of:

From this thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7228784 (why do they forget us so easily?)

Now you could say, yes, but he is in recovery, not an "active" addict, but his behaviour isn't all warm and cuddly. Immediately he put it out there that he didn't want a relationship (even though he later relented on that).

His behaviour is that of an alcoholic. While he might not be drinking, he is still carrying around a lot of issues. He worried about you while you were away? What does that mean. That you might get run over by a beer truck or you might run off with another man?

I'm not big in to labels either, but if you have to remind yourself not to call the guy you have been seeing for 6 months your BF, that's an issue. You're "not" not doing it because you don't want to, you are reminding yourself so as not to affect him?

Emeraldgirl

Hi Trailmix thanks again for all of your time, input, and oh-so-valuable information. You are appreciated!

There is truth to that...and some of it does apply to him. Especially getting away fast. He even said his departure from me was both abrupt and hurtful and he was very sorry to have done that to me. Then went on to say he had no choice as he had to be in the new location right away for work. I am glad he talked to me in person, if the alternative would have been a text. But it was quite a BIG SHOCK. That last paragraph...CONVENIENT TO ME...wow. Speaks volumes.

He worried about me making the trip back as there were some poor weather conditions that I had to travel through...and maybe a bit of the proverbial beer truck. Nothing more than that. It was quite a distance. We were exclusive and I know that he trusted me completely in that, as I did him.

As far as the labels, I just never did refer to him that way. At first when we were spending more time together but we hadn't talked about seeing where things were going with us as yet, I wouldn't have used any of those terms and was careful about not doing it. I think that was actually for myself. By the time things had changed, not using those words had become a kind of a habit and unnecessary, I suppose. Having moved on to using just his name.

Emmalyn

Hi Emeraldgirl-

I've been down this track...

So exbf and I met 11 years ago, we were friends.. but there was definitely something there. Big time.

He was deep into alcoholism then, I didn't know it. He sort of disappeared from my life, saying he was dating someone else. He was, it was called beer.

Anyway, time marches on, he gets sober and is sober 4 years. He relapses and I hear from him. He does the rehab thing, wow is it tough the first year, but hey we are in love. We can get through anything, right?

Well.. five years later he's still not drinking, but he's smoking weed. He's been unemployed for 4 years and doesn't think he can ever be gainfully employed again. (He's highly educated, two degrees) So we broke up and I moved away. That was late August, early September. My leaving changed nothing, my staying changed nothing.... None of it had anything to do with me. Not his sobriety, not his employment status, nothing.

I don't know if that helps you or hurts you, but the truth is you won't ever be a priority - in my experience.

So with the end of the game shown to you from my example, would you really want to be in a relationship with this man?

Just food for thought.

E

trailmix

You sound strong and I know you will get past this in your own time.

I suppose the thing is, in my opinion, he has some of the tell-tale signs of an alcoholic and that's not really surprising - because he is an alcoholic.

Sure people leave relationships for all kinds of reasons, incompatibility, conflict etc etc, but that doesn't sound like what you are describing.

Once someone starts to actually recover, there is a lot of healing to do a lot of horrible reactions and behaviours to undo and learning how to live without alcohol as an immediate mood changer.

Doesn't sound like he is there yet and it also sounds like he knows that.

Emeraldgirl

​​​​​​Wow Emmalyn! What an impactful life story you have shared here and I thank you for doing so. Hearing what you and the others have to say about my situation as well as your own is very enlightening. I am so sorry to hear how many of us struggle with issues such as this while our loved ones often struggle with addiction. Sounds like you really gave your all and then gave more still. I hope that you are adjusting to your new life and that things go well for you from now on.

Your shared history here will no doubt have an effect on mine and I thank you again for that, from the bottom of my broken heart.

It seems that regardless of what happens there will certainly be suffering on at least my part. It's just a matter of how much and for how long.

Emeraldgirl

Thanks to you for your multiple insightful comments. Your time and attention to my situation has been so very valuable to me.

I do believe that he ultimately cares/cared a great deal for me. It seems that these feelings for me as well as his current state (and his awareness off it) has caused him to separate himself from me. Hearing your objective comments and others, along with experiences, is more helpful than I can put into words. I am so very sorry that so many have struggled with issues such as this and continue to every day...both the addicts themselves and their loved ones.

This situation has likely changed my life. I can only try to make these changes positive ones and do my best to come through to the other side of it as a better person for having experienced it, with more understanding and awareness than I had in the beginning. If nothing else, perhaps that is the blessing he has left me with...along with a broken heart.

dandylion

emeraldgirl…….not everyone that we are attracted to and bond with, will work out as a long term or permanent relationship. And, the way we humans are built...it hurts like being trampled by a herd of buffalo. Words can hardly describe it.
Fortunately...just as we are wired to hurt, by Mother nature....we are wired to heal....We are wired so that we can move forward....
One thing that I think that is the most helpful, is understanding human contact. gather your loved ones close and spend time with those who understand your pain. We are very social creatures and contact with others is important to allow for healing of our wounds.
Remember that relationships that are good and nurturing for us, do not end....
those that are not good for us, in SOME way...don't flourish and do disintegrate....

Emeraldgirl

Thanks for that very caring comment. I have been doing exactly that - spending time with those who are closest to me and are all too happy to have me around as often and for as long as I want to. As I do not tend to become involved in relationships often, this is particularly difficult. He is so special that the risk of an outcome such as this was worth it to me. Maybe he thought the same thing about me...

HardLessons

I read your story. Read it twice. Once yesterday & again this morning.

When I read it yesterday I immediately felt that something was very off with this guy. I feel the same way today. It all seems very odd.

Maybe all his focus on honesty wasn't honesty at all. Was more like a good story which he wanted you to believe. There is an old saying - never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

I would try hard not to take this all too personal. I think you got sucked into something with a screwed up guy. It all played out fairly short term. At least your away from it now.

Please keep moving & don't look back.

Emeraldgirl

In the grand scheme of things, I guess it was a fairly short term. Although to me, it feels long enough to cause a decent amount of heart ache. He didn't seem to be screwed up in the beginning, but the way he is acting now is quite different than when we first met.

There is probably no way for me to know how honest he was with me...I can only go with my gut. I really truly believed he was honest and telling me the truth but who knows?

Thanks for the advice. I am moving forward as best I can at this point. Sucked in...that's probably appropriate and I obviously allowed it to happen. He is seemingly a very nice, well mannered, VERY caring, attentive, attractive man that is easy and fun to be around...when things are going smoothly in his life. Who wouldn't be drawn to someone like that, right? I can't really blame myself for falling for him.

Moving forward is the plan for each day. Thanks for the encouragement! I truly appreciate it and all of the support and input I have found here.

trailmix

Well, his honesty might just be different that yours?

No excusing anything he did but, as Hardlessons mentioned, there is something odd here.

When I say that about his honesty, maybe to him that is telling you immediately that he doesn't want a relationship (not willing for whatever reason), telling you immediately when he is done (in over his head).

That doesn't mean he is the kind of person who tells all, as in mentions to you while you are away that he is finding all of this overwhelming, between the work situation and you two dating, it's just too much for him. He admits that ending it like that was cruel and hurtful, but, he still did it.

I'm just guessing here, I don't know his thought patterns of course. Was he very open in discussing emotions and future plans at all?

You mentioned that your step-father was an alcoholic. Sometimes, when we watch that dynamic growing up, our view of relationships might not be all that straight forward either. I don't know what kind of father figure he was to you or husband to your Mom but I'll guess not a very good one.

My Father was an alcoholic too. Not to say we are victims at all, that's not my take on it, just that behaviour we witnessed growing up (yes, even though we are now all grown up and independent) can seem acceptable if that is what we saw and experienced for years.

HardLessons

Mine acted very different in the beginning than she did like a year into our relationship. She was wonderful magical so sweet in the beginning. It was however impossible for her to keep that act up.

Now she is like the Terminator.

There were signs early on but mine didn't seem to be screwed up. I took it more to be that she just needed help & a good chance to better her life. That's what my gut was telling me back then.

To know the truth of who & what she is - is not for the faint of heart. Its bad ugly. My gut feelings about her were totally wrong.

She is a great story teller. Very creative & entertaining. She told these stories to everyone she came in contact with. Stories which on the surface seemed very normal believable but they were not founded in any notion of truth.

Eventually I learned the ugly truth of her life. I much preferred the stories over knowing the truth.

I got sucked in with her, chewed up, & spit back out so many times I couldn't even count.

I am just saying above so you understand a bit about what I have been through.

You sound like a very nice woman deserving of way better & much more normal treatment.