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Dating Recovered Alcoholic who has suddenly shut me out

Old 03-06-2011, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by gigi58 View Post
went from great to nothing
Gigi, that's exactly what happened to me. The RA I was involved with came on very strong in the beginning and then would slowly pull away and stop communicating, but he acted like I was the one pulling away and not communicating. It confused me and drove me crazy. He still contacts me several times a week and tells me he loves me and misses me, quack quack quack, but I don't let it pull me back into the craziness anymore. Now I keep my distance and keep our conversations on the friendly side. I felt like I lost myself in that relationship and never want to feel like that again. After my experience with him I have no desire to ever get involved with a RA every again. BIG lesson learned for me!
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:43 PM
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:18 PM
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Gigi and Catlover, I ditto both of you. The RA I was seeing came on super strong in the beginning, then shut down and shut me out completely. I haven't heard from him in a month, and it's been really hurtful. I keep trying to tell myself everything people here have said. He's not worth it, I shouldn't be worried about someone who treats me this way, I shouldn't want to stay in contact with someone who treats me this way, etc. And I think Seekingcalm hit the nail on the head about letting go of the fantasy. It all started out like a dream, and seemed like I was finally getting my fairytale, and even though I know he treated me badly after that dreamlike beginning, it's REALLY hard to let go of the fantasy that started it all. Really, really hard. But I'm trying.

I appreciate this forum and hearing other people's experiences.
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:38 AM
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Happy birthday, Gigi!

Also, it sounds like you know what you are doing.
"Never again" can be a very good thing.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:32 AM
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I can really identify with you gals too. after getting out of the 17 year relationship from HELL with me ex-ah I jumped right back into a relationship with a man from my town that i met online. he didn't drink and that was a plus for me BUT he was a 30 year dry drunk (needed a program) and had big time commitment issues right from the start and treated me with well, let's say less then the respect I deserve. Ladies, until we really love ourselves and stop accepting LESS, we will all hit these dead end walls. NOT only men that have drinking problems have dating and commitment issues, just don't ever date one that has "never been married" or in a long term relationship - red flag, beleive me I've dated a couple of them. LOL

They are not interested in the level of commitment/intimacy some of us need.

What is it about us that doesn't allow us to LET GO AND MOVE ON?? I'm speaking for myself here too. I'd rather be alone today and free and be calm and peaceful and totally be myself then have to worry about dysfunction in a relationship. God bless them. taking the focus off of the bad relationship and just having a relationship with myself is all I can handle right now anyhow. hope you all have the best of luck. relationships take alot of work when they are good and when they are bad it's impossible..

focus, get support here, let go, breath, do something very nice for yourself today. I plan on it. hugs to you all having this issue. I'm there with ya girls!!

make that gratitude list!

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Old 03-07-2011, 07:50 PM
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thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. I am learning a lot about life an love and how damaged people will do anything to avoid emotional pain. You can not live life unless you give of yourself and that requires at times to be vulnerable. I don't regret loving him and giving to him...it was the closest he will ever get and I hope somewhere deep inside he realizes he needs some serious help...it is not normal to go your whole life without intimate relationships. So, I don't regret it. I do want to learn from it. I know the pain will go away and I hope my tears were not wasted but were just an uncomfortable growth spurt. I am sticking close to my girlfriends these days...we laugh and love and will never hurt one another.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:58 PM
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Love scares people. Some of us are better at it and better equipped to give and receive it. Like I said to the person who started this thread, I won't even give him the benefit of the whole recovery issue to be an excuse.

Meaning, it may have had nothing to do with where he is with recovery, he just is a person who is ill suited for the type of love you want and have to give.

Maybe he had someone new, who knows. Remind yourself of that when the 'poor guy alone in his room' type of thinking starts. I say this because I do the same thing. I start rationalizing d*ckish behavior just to make sense out of it. You may never know. Just that it feels crummy

Time heals. And I sense you are still very sad over this man but when you hit the anger stage.. that is when you will get some clarity.
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Old 03-08-2011, 06:47 AM
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no. There are no other women. I know that to be a truth. He found his first girlfriend in bed with his brother when he was 18. He told no one, just broke up with her. Years later he told his sister who is a therapist and she went to the brother and they "resolved" it. He was done with women. He didn't venture out again until he met his wife at 30. He never loved her but he wanted kids so got married and started drinking. They had trouble having children but had one son who he adores. When he finally got sober after she kicked him out he went back and she manipulated him into getting her a bigger house and then she cheated on him when he was trying to stay sober. Nice right? He moved out the next day after he found out, and has been alone for 8 years. He only has a small group of close friends and his brother(yes THE brother) who he hangs out with. His days consist of work(long hours) then sees his son everyday and thenAA everyday. He only had one day saturday and that is when we saw eachother. He had two dates with a woman and two dates with another in 8 years before me.Didn't want to go out with them after 2 dates. He had a one night stand soon after he got sober and was devasted by it. He is very moral. He continually tells me there is no one else. I met his friends and family. They were thrilled he was with me. I went to his sister in laws wake...no other women friends there and again family was very interested in me. So he is not a player....he is a loner...he didn't want to trust me in the beginning...kept calling me 2 months before he trusted me enough to have a relationship. He told me all the time I was beautiful inside and out, very sexy and there was something wrong with him that he couldn't go forward....he always said it was him...i told him you're scared and he agreed. He said he doesn't want to rely on me because i might go away. It is his idea to talk down the road and be friends. It is all too sad for me. I see a man in pain and I can do nothing to help him. I told him to go to therapy. He says he feels like a spectator in his own life and he feels nothing...no happiness no joy...only for his son...He seemed so happy when we were together though. On thanksgiving we sat quietly and talked of what we were thankful for and the first thing he said was "I get to hang with you". He tries to help his friends and family and sponsors 4 people and tries so hard to be good and kind to everyone. He never mistreated me....we never founght, not a cross word...sweet, gentle and acted in a loving way. That is what makes this so difficult. I have only wonderful memories until he just disappeared...the only talk was an hour on the phone how he cant go forward and I will hate him in 2 years How he wants to be isolated. I wonder if he was about to relapse. I know nothing about this disease. He couldn't see me. WHen I stopped over 2 weeks later he was stoic. We talked for 1/2 hour calmly but he said he felt "relief" that he was not in a relationship. How could that be? Relief from what....fun, laughter, wonderful conversation, the best sex of our lives(we both agreed), cuddling? It was joyful. He felt somekind of internal pressure I was not aware of. He did it to himself...it is all in his head. He has negative thoughts and just knows it willl all fall apart. I am amazed how quickly he can shift gears. Now that the pressure is gone he seems to want to come out of hiding and "talk". No there is no one else. I am the first woman he has trusted in many years or maybe ever. No other woman had been to his apartment and he had nothing to hide. His whereabouts were always known and he has told me over again...you know there is no one else. He knows how much that would hurt. In the summer when we took a break...I dated casually and he was upset when I told him. He doesn't do this easily or lightly. Very very serious man with good intentions just has huge intimacy issues, coupled with alcoholism. Not good. Perceives he is about to fail and runs and hides.
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Old 03-08-2011, 10:38 AM
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((( Capsized, Elizajane, Emilylou, and Gigi58))),

Lexicat is right, none of this has to do with alcoholism. This is all man/women relationship dynamics.

Please pick up a book called, "The Rules". The Rules are not about getting a man, but weeding out the men who are not right for us. There is a forum of women there that will help you. Please message me and I will send you a link.

Many Hugs,

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Old 03-08-2011, 11:49 AM
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Why would a book advocating game-playing be conducive to a healthy relationship?

The Rules (and the male equivalent like The Game) are destructive and dehumanizing and about as far from recovery as you can get. Didn't Ellen Fein get divorced not long after it was published?
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:21 PM
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Dear Bolina,

It's not really like that at all. It's about regaining my femininity. I was never taking baby steps into a relationship. Extending a little bit of trust at a time. Taking the time to see if this man was really right for me. I jumped right into a relationship believing everything that was said to me.

As more and more things began to unravel in my relationship, the more controlling I became. I started to take the lead in a relationship. Like calling him, having long talks, etc.

The Rules are not about doing them to a man, they are Rules we do to ourselves, To Guard Our Hearts.

Maybe you already do these things and are unaware that you are already doing them, I did not. My mother was unaware of them. I had to learn them from books and from other women who know about them.

The other women I am learning them from learned to wait for the right man. They are in happy marriages now because they learned how to properly date and wait for the right man. The one they could give him the respect he deserves.

I only mentioned The Rules because that is the one book they started with.

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Old 03-08-2011, 12:53 PM
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Really, I could talk all day about how anti-women, anti-men and anti-healthy relationships books like that are, but this is not the place. And yes, I have read them.

Of course, I hope that you achieve a happy and successful relationship and wish you all the luck for that.
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:37 PM
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I appreciate information. I take everything I hear and read and I process it myself. SOmetimes it makes sense and you can use it, sometimes it is thought provoking even if you do not agree and reject the suggestion. It all is part of the process of growing and I don't dismiss any of it. I am currently reading HE'S SCARED SHE'S SCARED. Years ago I read a book called MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE this is the same author. I am coming to the realization that I am just coming out of a 21 year marriage, separated not divorced, and I do not want a relationship so I think I picked him for that very reason. He clearly can't do long term....he has trouble with next week. It was a subconscience thing. I have always had a man...boyfriend, husband, live in since I'm 13. I never dated...everytime I broke up with someone there was another right there. I get along easily with people and was fortunate to run into men that wanted to please me, wanted commitment. I broke up with a guy I lived with for 5 years because he wanted to get married. I finally got married because I was 31 and wanted kids. I told my RA we would go one day at a time but I was pressing him for more time and asked if he loved me when I knew full well he had never felt romantic love. Looks like I have my own issues too. I enjoyed him tremendously. Yes, he has a problem discussing feelings and disappears quickly when it gets intense...I'm not saying he is faultless...he should work on all of those things. I see now that I have a hard time just enjoying people for who they are and not trying to make a relationship "be" something. At 53 where is it going? I would prefer to have lots of time with friends and myself and my grown children and my elderly parents.....and him. I wish I could have just relaxed more and let it be what it was. I wish he could have told me he was feeling pressure and we could have backed off a bit. I have a long road. I love that this has become a topic of discussion. I would have never thought to get on this site other than he is a RA, I'm glad I did. It is easy to pick them apart...their issues are out there for all to see.....ours are a little less obvious, but are there none the less.
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Old 03-08-2011, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by gigi58 View Post
I appreciate information. I take everything I hear and read and I process it myself. SOmetimes it makes sense and you can use it, sometimes it is thought provoking even if you do not agree and reject the suggestion. It all is part of the process of growing and I don't dismiss any of it.
Thank you so much for taking what you like and leaving the rest.


Originally Posted by gigi58 View Post
It is easy to pick them apart...their issues are out there for all to see.....ours are a little less obvious, but are there none the less.
Thank you so much gigi for understanding where I was coming from.

and thank you Bolina for reminding me that I am still a recovering co-dependent. I just need to worry about my own recovery and my own life. I do not need to be telling people what to do.

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Old 11-14-2019, 12:28 AM
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Sounds like my story

I've been dating a RA for 7 months. He's been sober for over 5 years. We met through a common interest and just kind of hit it off from the start. Started spending more and more time together pretty quickly. We would get together a few times a week after work on the nights neither of us had classes or that he didn't have volunteer work. We had started texting pretty much every day. Sometimes him, sometimes me initiating contact. Everything was going great between the two of us. He is not comfortable with large groups of people. He had not seen anyone since becoming sober. At first he had said he wasn't sure about getting into a relationship but a couple of weeks later said he "wanted to see where things went." As months went on we started taking out of town trips and things became intimate fast. The intimacy was initiated by him as I was hesitant based on what he'd initially said about relationships. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I had to leave town for a family matter. I invited him to go along, but he wasn't comfortable or ready to do that.

He is ​​​​​a very caring person and I know he cares about me very much and has let me in as he has not let anyone else in more years than he's been sober. He also refuses to tell even the smallest lie. He cannot accept dishonesty in any way. It was simply amazing for me to have this wonderful man want to be a part of my life. I had previously had a bad experience and was more than a little gun shy myself.

Before my departure he had started having some difficulty at work due to management changes and nepetism issues relating to a supervisor. Things all came to a head while I was away. We were texting often, even more than usual. He was interested as always in how I was and what I was doing. All the while filling me in on his life and work situation. Turned out the work situation (he also lives on site) fell apart a few day before I got back. He let me know the basics of what happened but also said he didn't want me to worry. His spirits seemed okay at the time. We continued to stay in touch a couple more days until I got back from the trip and made arrangements to get together right after work as soon as I got back.

We met at one of our usual spots where after he asked me about my trip, which I told him I detail, he said he was going to be leaving the immediate area and wouldn't be able to see me anymore. Though I was careful to never use the word relationship or refer to him as my boyfriend he was letting me know that he felt he had to break up with me. I asked him if there was something I had done or if there was someone else and he said absolutely not to both. He said things had went farther than he wanted and that he wasn't going to have time for me right now. This was very shocking to me and didn't make much sense. To me, being busy and not in the immediate area (45 mins away) would not be reason enough to lose such an portant person in my life. He said he wanted more for me and that I deserved more. I told him that I thought we should let the dust settle before deciding what to do going forward, but my words fell on deaf ears. I was so stunned that I wasn't able to express myself very well. By the end of our conversation it was dark, but I do believe that he was crying. He held me the whole time we were talking. I was shivering, I think from the shock of it all.

Now, not quite a month later, I've heard from him a handful of times. Usually light conversations by text go okay, but anything beyond that is not welcomed by him. He says he wants to stay in my life and that I am very important to him. He says there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there isn't anyone else and there isn't going to be. He's said things like "taking things 24 hours at a time" and that he's "on the road with God."

Mostly, I'm worried about his well-being as well as missing him terribly. I don't enter into relationships lightly and this has hurt me deeply.

I have recently started attending Al-Anon in order to get a better understanding of myself and him. My step father growing up was a severe alcoholic and I know his treatment of me has resulted in some self esteem issues for me.

For now, I'm just doing what I can to cope with the loss. ☹️
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Old 11-14-2019, 12:56 AM
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Hi Emeraldgirl and welcome. This thread is a few years old but I'm glad you found something you could relate to. You might even want to start your own, new thread, so more people will see it?

Anyway I'm really sorry that happened to you but not really surprised unfortunately. The first year of sobriety, in fact probably the first several years are unstable times for many recovering alcoholics, as you will see as you read around the forum.

He obviously can't cope with all that is going on and stay sober, sobriety must be his number one priority above all else, otherwise he risks relapsing. So what he has done is really very responsible although you have now gotten hurt in the process.

I personally wouldn't be too worried about his well-being, he seems to be doing the right things for himself. That time and caring should perhaps be focused more on taking care of yourself. You've had a shock and you are hurt and it will take time to get past that.

Do you find that remaining in contact with him is more hurtful to your or helpful? Even if you want to remain friends, generally some time with no contact is a good idea to "reset" the relationship to a non-romantic one, if you can and to get clarity about what you want.
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Old 11-14-2019, 02:01 AM
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Thanks trailmix for your kind and sincere response. I had thought that all of this happening at once could easily have been too much for him to handle and that, unfortunately for me, I was the easiest thing to let go of as most of the other factors are out of his control. I did also post this as a separate thread...or at least tried to. I've never done anything like this before.

As far as caring for myself, that's exactly what I'm hoping to do by starting to attend Al-Anon. I've found a really nice group and hope to work through this and maybe some other issues there...eventually.

I know that he needs to deal with what he has on his plate right now, himself. Not being an addict myself and not being really familiar with how all of this works, guess I was initially hoping/assuming we'd get through this together. Just as he helped me through the death of a friend recently. I just hate the thought of him out there, going through this and missing me as much as I miss him. But maybe that's not the case either.

I'm.always happy to hear from him when I do. Especially since it seems he is still sober. Our conversations have been easy and happy...just like our relationship. And I always feel better after I hear from him. It's probably far fetched to hope that he'll want to or be able to come back to me. I haven't totally given up on that, yet, though seems unlikely.

Last edited by Emeraldgirl; 11-14-2019 at 02:13 AM. Reason: Answering an additional question
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