ironwill

FionnaPerSe,

Box of tissues for you princess. You are not stupid for hoping for a miracle. A lot of people here are hoping for a miracle from their Alcoholic. It's that hope that we cling to. But as we have said hope is not a plan.

The reason you have a desire to help him is because you have a big heart. It pains you to see someone hurting from this alcoholic control. But you are right to step back, you cant cure him till he wants to cure himself.

I think Trail is right with the "detaching" after a few years he could change and want to get help and recover from this disease. This gives you the idea that maybe down the road we can be friends again.

You need to keep what every you say to him brief and simple. That will make it easier on you and get the point across to him. Only you can decide if blocking or not blocking him will serve you best. If it pains you to much to see his text or see that he is trying to call you, then take the necessary steps. You don't have to block him forever and don't fill guilty for doing it. But let him know if you do, that you need to look after yourself and you will decide when you are ready to talk again.

I hope you day goes better then yesterday Princess FionnaPerSe. Be strong.

Sasha1972

Honestly, I can't see why you would not block him. Who is benefiting from continued contact between him and you?

Eauchiche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TO8Z4ZupPcg

FionnaPerSe

trailmix

Today's standards are pretty low but hey, you are not "today's standards" (or yesterday's or tomorrows) you are you!

Forget about everyone else. You have your boundaries, your personality, yourself, what other people are up to is their side of the street. Including your Ex.

It is one of the hard things about addiction, the fact that you actually cannot help at some point. If he has been drinking alcoholically for 6 months and agreed to get in to treatment and really worked at it, ok there is hope there. But when these things drag on for years at some point you realize nothing and I mean NOTHING is changing.

It's good to care about others, it's not good to sacrifice yourself for others or to throw yourself under the bus for anyone, it's very self-destructive and something to work on. Empathy should be tempered with self-protection.

AnvilheadII

i think there is a difference between not wanting bad blood WITH other people if possible - and - worried that others MIGHT think badly about us.

we will drive ourselves (and everyone else) nutso bonkers if we run around and try to PLEASE everyone all the time. first, it's not our job to manage other people's thoughts and emotions. thinking we can say or do just the right thing to appease them and MAKE THEM FEEL good about us is our ego wanting to be in control. it also means that we are not being our authentic self - we are projecting what we think will put us in the best light.

same with wanting to "help" often one can take on helping or fixing another person as their JOB. they want to be part of the process and they want to OWN the outcome - look! i got him sober! look! i saved him from himself............now he OWES me, bigly. this is again the ego at play.

some of the best advice i've seen and try to live by is staying in our own hula hoop. if we imagine an actual hula hoop around us, what is INSIDE is our business, what is outside belongs to somebody else, who is NOT us.

Bekindalways

I try to think that supporting people is good; helping people is bad . . . .that might be a bit harsh but in the context of alcoholism, trying to get someone to become sober is destructive "helping". Paying an alcoholic the compliment (in how we act towards them) that they can figure out their own problems (or not) is very powerful support.

FionnaPerSe

ironwill

Fionnaperse,

Today's standards are all over the place. Nothing fits inside the "box" anymore. Think of this as your castle princess...You have to have your own standards and boundaries. With these in place your life will be safer and feel more enjoyable. Will be a good place to live.

You were being supportive of him, he just didn't want it. He wanted his Alcohol. This was his journey to take. You could only do so much.

I had the same problem as you as not wanting to be on bad terms with people. I did it in hopes of being included into their circle. So I didn't say "no" when they asked for help. That didn't work to well for me. I was always asked to help, but never asked to do any fun things. It took me a while to realize this and that I can say "no" and they wont think I'm being unkind. Like Trailmix said, It's ok to care just don't throw your self under the double-decker bus.

I hope you have a good day and stay strong princess. You are not alone.

Bekindalways

I'm sure you did do your best Fionna. I hope you didn't feel put down by what I said.

I used to write and rewrite letters (yep I'm old) to my qualifier thinking that if I just said the perfect thing, it would change his path. I saw this amazing man headed off the deep end and no one was doing anything.

It took me a long time to realize that he had the right to destroy his life any way he wanted and the best support I could offer was to get out of his way which I eventually did. Don't think for a minute that I didn't do all sorts of inappropriate, controlling actions; I certainly did. You may have approached your qualifier with way healthier boundaries than I did. However what I did was the best I could do at the time too.

pdm22

I think it depends on what kind of experience you have, how far things have gone, what kind of person you have on your hands, etc. Everyone is not the same of course. But if you’re dealing with someone who maybe has a personality disorder underneath it all (or whatever they are on is making them behave in a similar way), the very act of being kind or supportive might trigger the person, and trigger their inner turmoil/ push-pull dynamics. It doesn’t make sense, but if there is core trauma, coupled with alcoholism & drug use, a lot isn’t going to make sense. I think people do the best they could for the most part, given what they know at the time, and despite best efforts, being on the receiving end of that non sensical behavior gets to be too much, and parting on good terms isn’t always possible.

Add to it you might have the type of person whose substance abuse makes them a bit predatory, and they might sniff out kindness and use it to their advantage (keeping the person around in case they need them in the future, or to get money out of them, or a place to stay, etc). The person on the receiving end might have years go by and eventually get sick of it, and things don’t always end on the best of terms in those cases either. I dont know, this is hard stuff. When I hear about a person finally getting pi**ed off enough to cut off contact after years of trying to make it work, I’m usually routing for them on the inside, that their anger will be used as fuel to get them through it. Oftentimes the opposite happens, and the sympathies and wanting to be nice no matter what end up keeping a person stuck, or putting them in harm’s way.. It’s a sad reality, but that does happen.

trailmix

That's the catch, you can't control how they approach things. You can be as nice as you want but if someone just isn't receiving that message or if they are just generally mean or negative, nothing you say or do will change that - and that is ok. You can only be who you are and that's good for some and others - well, not your problem, thankfully.

Is it that you left exab on not so good terms, is that playing on your mind? Are you thinking of some way to fix that?

HardLessons

FPS

If you want we can make a deal

If yours contacts you again you can say you are not available anymore because you met this awesome guy online HL.

If mine contacts me I can say I am unavailable because I met this most remarkable woman online FPS.

Its nice to make your acquaintance. So now its not a lie for either of us.

Deal?

After you tell him above block everything & run.

FionnaPerSe

hahaha HL, this is a remarkable suggestion lol.

FionnaPerSe

Something funny and sunny in the midst of this chaos and storm. Thanks for that anyway. I wish I could just disappear like that tho, and for whatever reason!? But I know if he calls me, I would have truly hard times not answering the phone!?
And if for anything, then for simply being a person who cares for another human being, whoever he might be in relation to me!? (

How to practice not giving a ****? I truly have to figure this out.

What I indeed could do tho, is to say something along the lines of what @trailmix said, how I need time for myself bla bla. That is, IF he ever contacts me again, for as I can see, he made 180degrees turnaround with his story after I have set my boundaries straight! I am actually still puzzled on how it almost seems like he switched into an entirely different person!? So im wondering who is the ACTUAL person!?

FionnaPerSe

@pdm22 You have said something profound which is that, indeed, if there is another underlying trauma or a personality issue etc. then actually SHOWING REAL CARE can be so painful that its almost unbearable. As it sheds the light on something so deeply neglected, something that is there for such a long time that when the person gets into contact with it after years of not hearing 'its cry', it brings up even more stress and trauma into the whole picture.

It is so sad, how something so natural as sincere contact and the attempt on love can unintentionally add up to more havoc (of course, not cause it). Even in many non- alcoholics, I assume.

trailmix

I know exactly what you mean. That's where the focusing on yourself comes in.

You know that if you speak to him you will, at the most, agree to a conversation and maybe even meeting up. At the very least, you have a conversation that leaves you hurt.

Neither of those things are good things for you.

So it's not about caring for him or not, it's clear that you do and there is nothing wrong with that. The goal is not to hate him or even dislike him. The goal is to protect yourself. If talking to him means hurting yourself and you are willing to do that, then who is that helping? Not you, probably not him?

And if it is helping him, at what cost to you?

Could you talk to him now without being hurt?

Hawkeye13

Trailmix you are a wise soul— Proud to know you.

trailmix

What a nice thing to say, thank you Hawkeye.

FionnaPerSe