He now deleted me on all social media!?🤷*♀️
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No, unfortunately he denies the problem and blames everything and everyone else for the way he feels and how his life is! And We were somehow always able to remain OK with each other, more or less (there was no abuse nor anything like that) but he knows now 100percent (and i know too) how we could NEVER be together again unless he stops and enters recovery, which as I can see (and from what he is telling me), didn't even cross his mind once. On the quite contrary, he ‘chose’ it over our relationship. And then claimed his feelings for me vanished entirely (just like that!?)
So yes definitely, i have to move on with my life at this point and hope to truly meet someone who would be available and emotionally mature and with whom i can actually have LIFE and not some wishful thinking of a life, if u know what i mean!
🙏👋
So yes definitely, i have to move on with my life at this point and hope to truly meet someone who would be available and emotionally mature and with whom i can actually have LIFE and not some wishful thinking of a life, if u know what i mean!
🙏👋
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
but he knows now 100percent (and i know too) how we could NEVER be together again unless he stops and enters recovery, which as I can see (and from what he is telling me), didn't even cross his mind once. On the quite contrary, he ‘chose’ it over our relationship. And then claimed his feelings for me vanished entirely (just like that!?)
From all I have read about the subject, from what I have observed, I would choose the alcohol for sure.
The question for me would be, why wouldn't I? Do I "suddenly" give up what means the most to me (for right or wrong) for a relationship, which is rocky at best because of the issue of alcohol (at least) or do I go off on my own and peacefully drink to my hearts content.
The secondary thing about relationships where alcohol is involved is that by and large none of the other issues that crop up in a relationship ever get resolved. The HUGE issue of someone never being in their right mind is always at the forefront. Normal outings, conversations, normal life, just doesn't happen. Addressing other relationship issues, doesn't happen.
How on earth can a relationship be maintained?
Honestly it cannot. Sure, some shell of a relationship can be, that's really about it.
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FionnaPerSe,
I know i called you the Hero in my story, but you are a princess and should be treated that way. There is a prince charming out there who is honest, mature and treat you the way a women should be treated. I know it looks bleak right now, but keep your mind and heart open. You will find your prince charming when your most likely not even looking. Have a great day and keep strong.
I know i called you the Hero in my story, but you are a princess and should be treated that way. There is a prince charming out there who is honest, mature and treat you the way a women should be treated. I know it looks bleak right now, but keep your mind and heart open. You will find your prince charming when your most likely not even looking. Have a great day and keep strong.
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Wow @Ironwill, these words are so nice to hear- i truly hope i can open up my heart (and give trust) for some truly mature relationship anytime to happen in the future for me. It is so hard for now, as I am still picking up the pieces from this shattered dream (but sadly, it was all there was- a dream) so not sure how would that work out, but i am definitely gonna try to remain positive about it. You see, i am not someone who would just ‘date around’ and try different options until something works out- i was always selective in that sense and not even interested (in the majority of cases lol)! Perhaps this is what i need to learn tho- to open up more for the unknown and let myself flow
))
@trailmix yes youre truly amazingly observant- im actually sure he does have feelings for me (even the fact that he did report to me this about his phone today said something alright). However, i think once i did put ‘either or’ into the convo, he decided against me. And youre SO RIGHT- we can actually interpret their relationship with alcohol as any other longterm relationship. For They know each other forever, so like u said, why would they choose anything else!? It is something familiar and a part of their identity by now alright, so change would require leaving all kinds of things behind and a definition of Self even (and lets face it, lot of people dont have strenght for any of that).
By the way, now that u mentioned it- I actually see it more easy to let him go if i think of him as being ‘in a relationship already’..... So if i see it in this way, he is simply NOT AVAILABLE nor SINGLE actually. Period! And since i dont wanna interfere (like i never would if there would be another person present), I can only wish him good luck with that. 🙂🧩
))@trailmix yes youre truly amazingly observant- im actually sure he does have feelings for me (even the fact that he did report to me this about his phone today said something alright). However, i think once i did put ‘either or’ into the convo, he decided against me. And youre SO RIGHT- we can actually interpret their relationship with alcohol as any other longterm relationship. For They know each other forever, so like u said, why would they choose anything else!? It is something familiar and a part of their identity by now alright, so change would require leaving all kinds of things behind and a definition of Self even (and lets face it, lot of people dont have strenght for any of that).
By the way, now that u mentioned it- I actually see it more easy to let him go if i think of him as being ‘in a relationship already’..... So if i see it in this way, he is simply NOT AVAILABLE nor SINGLE actually. Period! And since i dont wanna interfere (like i never would if there would be another person present), I can only wish him good luck with that. 🙂🧩
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
By the way, now that u mentioned it- I actually see it more easy to let him go if i think of him as being ‘in a relationship already’..... So if i see it in this way, he is simply NOT AVAILABLE nor SINGLE actually. Period! And since i dont wanna interfere (like i never would if there would be another person present), I can only wish him good luck with that. 🙂🧩
This individual is taken. They are not available for a relationship.
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Sounds like a lack of commitment to you and sobriety. He should be asking for forgiveness as much as anything from what I've seen about many a program. Addicts and As tend to be selfish and him prioritizing his image over you reflects that.
His sisters are probably enablers. Some family show blind loyalty because they want their family to be happy or thought of in a certain way so talking about him reflects on them in their minds.
Last but not least it's social media. Anyone not near a computer screen doesn't care that much AND the good thing about social media there is choice and even sites like this one.
It's tough but that fact you realize it is an excellent start. 30 years ago they would've said 'sticks and stones'.
Hang In There
His sisters are probably enablers. Some family show blind loyalty because they want their family to be happy or thought of in a certain way so talking about him reflects on them in their minds.
Last but not least it's social media. Anyone not near a computer screen doesn't care that much AND the good thing about social media there is choice and even sites like this one.
It's tough but that fact you realize it is an excellent start. 30 years ago they would've said 'sticks and stones'.
Hang In There
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Thanks a lot! Unfortunately, i am again hurting today as we spoke and he is getting more and more detached and determined not to even question any of his doings, decisions and directions anymore (he seemed more aware and at least a bit more empathic when we were actually a couple). He even told me how he literally couldn't care less if his family is behaving like that towards me. He said that its none of his business.
I was again bawling my eyes out earlier (as if i was expecting miracle once again-how stupid can one be!???) as now I truly sense that its completely over! For before, he would at least try to explain himself, but now i can fully see how he disregarded any idea of us as anything anymore. Once again, I'm not sure what to actually do as we didn't really set up a fight so that i have an excuse to block him on everything!? Besides, i once again feel sorry for him if i do that. But i cant go on like that forever either, as each time there is some new things and deeper **** going on so to speak!? I dont know, i do feel guilty if i block him, but this might be the only way to go!? What do you all think???
I was again bawling my eyes out earlier (as if i was expecting miracle once again-how stupid can one be!???) as now I truly sense that its completely over! For before, he would at least try to explain himself, but now i can fully see how he disregarded any idea of us as anything anymore. Once again, I'm not sure what to actually do as we didn't really set up a fight so that i have an excuse to block him on everything!? Besides, i once again feel sorry for him if i do that. But i cant go on like that forever either, as each time there is some new things and deeper **** going on so to speak!? I dont know, i do feel guilty if i block him, but this might be the only way to go!? What do you all think???
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Block him. You think you have no excuse to block him? Isn't bawling your eyes out when you talk with him enough? As far as he is concerned, the relationship is over. You are the only one who isn't convinced.
Block him and stop calling him. You are dragging this out and keeping yourself miserable. It's over. Move on with your life.
Block him and stop calling him. You are dragging this out and keeping yourself miserable. It's over. Move on with your life.
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
I dont know, i do feel guilty if i block him, but this might be the only way to go!? What do you all think???
That's my best guess here.
He cannot be in a relationship right now, maybe years from now? Maybe never. Addicts are not good relationship material.
So my question for you is, why are you even entertaining the idea anymore. That's what you need to work on, not whether he is still interested in a relationship.
He's dismissive, uncaring, rude, cold, why on earth would you choose him? You could walk in to a bar right now and find a guy that would treat you 100 times better (please don't do that, but you get my drift).
I know you are hurt, it is no fun to be separated from someone we care about, especially when they are so cold, but that's where he is at.
Keep this uppermost in your mind - he is not relationship material, he is in active addiction and is incapable of a relationship. I know that you know this.
So block him or don't, doesn't really matter but it would probably put your mind at rest? Why you would feel guilty about that, I have no idea. You could send him a text and wish him well and say I think it's best we don't speak for a while, take care and then block him if that will make you feel better.
He's in his own alcoholic world now.
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Yeah, i suppose i still remember how he actually (&beyond all those layers of addiction) IS a caring soul that i got to know and love. So that is why it was so puzzling to experience this dr Jeckill and Mr. Hyde now more and more after the separation! We had lot of good memories too, and he was trying for awhile a lot i would say, and he did even think about finding help for (short) awhile tho, so i guess I keep on feeling guilty that i left specifically around that time. Even he said to me how he was doing much better already and then he blamed me for ruining it. So im thinking, if i only stayed a bit longer, perhaps he would actually go through with it!? Instead, he got worse after our breakup and his character just got dimmer.
I am really confused at this point, as im not sure why do i feel guilty all the time for something!????
I am really confused at this point, as im not sure why do i feel guilty all the time for something!????
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
I am really confused at this point, as im not sure why do i feel guilty all the time for something!????
So you have this guy, this alcoholic person, saying oh I want to stop drinking and you leave and he says OH I could have been doing so much better if it weren't for YOU!!
Well, that's kind of guilt inducing now isn't it. You using critical thinking though all of this is absolutely imperative. You have an alcoholic, who wants to drink, he is making you crazy and hurting you so you leave and then he blames you for his drinking?
He drank when you were there and he's still drinking - soooo - yeah, you there, you not there, you talking to him, you not talking to him.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
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@Anvil I did! Its because I wished to send him some material he asked me for!? But you have a point there- I cant be engaged in any of his doings anymore!?
((((
It is so hard to say a final goodbye, tho!
@trailmix those are great few sentences! Yes i can definitely write something along those lines! I was already trying to write a letter but i usually come up with essays, whereas it would be way better if i could keep it brief like u suggested it. I wish to leave some punchline that could potentially help him or whatever!? At least something...Problem is that we were friends too and always talked a lot etc. So that is why is also hard to completely detach.
((((It is so hard to say a final goodbye, tho!
@trailmix those are great few sentences! Yes i can definitely write something along those lines! I was already trying to write a letter but i usually come up with essays, whereas it would be way better if i could keep it brief like u suggested it. I wish to leave some punchline that could potentially help him or whatever!? At least something...Problem is that we were friends too and always talked a lot etc. So that is why is also hard to completely detach.
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
@Anvil I did! Its because I wished to send him some material he asked me for!? But you have a point there- I cant be engaged in any of his doings anymore!?((((
It is so hard to say a final goodbye, tho!
@trailmix those are great few sentences! Yes i can definitely write something along those lines! I was already trying to write a letter but i usually come up with essays, whereas it would be way better if i could keep it brief like u suggested it. I wish to leave some punchline that could potentially help him or whatever!? At least something...Problem is that we were friends too and always talked a lot etc. So that is why is also hard to completely detach.
((((It is so hard to say a final goodbye, tho!
@trailmix those are great few sentences! Yes i can definitely write something along those lines! I was already trying to write a letter but i usually come up with essays, whereas it would be way better if i could keep it brief like u suggested it. I wish to leave some punchline that could potentially help him or whatever!? At least something...Problem is that we were friends too and always talked a lot etc. So that is why is also hard to completely detach.
He just needs to be left alone to drink right now because that is what he wants to do. I wouldn't include any words of "help", I think he has made it clear he doesn't want anyone's help.
None of this may make sense to you. You can see he is harming himself, however, he is an adult and has made it clear he doesn't want anyone's help?
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I dont know, i do feel guilty if i block him, but this might be the only way to go!?
i wonder if it's not that you feel guilty if you block HIM, but that you then cut off your "drug" source. cuz he is your drug.
he doesn't need your words of wisdom. he's doing perfectly fine, thank you very much. this is him living his life as he sees fit. that last thing he wants to hear, from you in particular, is any more about how he should CHANGE.
i wonder if it's not that you feel guilty if you block HIM, but that you then cut off your "drug" source. cuz he is your drug.
he doesn't need your words of wisdom. he's doing perfectly fine, thank you very much. this is him living his life as he sees fit. that last thing he wants to hear, from you in particular, is any more about how he should CHANGE.
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We’ve all been there. The caving in phone call... and then, the guilt... then, the second guessing... then, the what if’s...
Listen, he is your drug. This isn’t about him or his addiction. This is about your addiction to him. Is this healthy? Do you want to keep jumping back into this toxic cycle? Is this what you want out of a relationship?
Why do we keep talking about him? You called HIM. Sorry to be so blunt. I used to cave in... I get it. But we all have choices. And you’re choosing to participate in the drama and chaos. It’s ultimately hurting you.
Block him and let him live his life the way he wants. And your life... ? How do you want to live?
Yes, it’s painful to block/walk away... and you may not see it now — but it’s far more painful to keep engaging in such a toxic “relationship.”
Listen, he is your drug. This isn’t about him or his addiction. This is about your addiction to him. Is this healthy? Do you want to keep jumping back into this toxic cycle? Is this what you want out of a relationship?
Why do we keep talking about him? You called HIM. Sorry to be so blunt. I used to cave in... I get it. But we all have choices. And you’re choosing to participate in the drama and chaos. It’s ultimately hurting you.
Block him and let him live his life the way he wants. And your life... ? How do you want to live?
Yes, it’s painful to block/walk away... and you may not see it now — but it’s far more painful to keep engaging in such a toxic “relationship.”
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Fionna, I kind of wish he had blocked you as you first thought. No matter what you do this is going to hurt like all holy hell. However the sooner you go no contact the sooner you can start healing. This. Is. So. Not. Fun.
He may or may not ever deal with his alcoholism but you can do nothing about this. That is his side of the street. Leave this to him. Stay on your side of the street and start working out why you are so attracted to this guy. He is your booze. We all get it we all have our own bipedal booze walking around out there somewhere.
Courage to you lady.
He may or may not ever deal with his alcoholism but you can do nothing about this. That is his side of the street. Leave this to him. Stay on your side of the street and start working out why you are so attracted to this guy. He is your booze. We all get it we all have our own bipedal booze walking around out there somewhere.
Courage to you lady.
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I wouldnt say i am addicted to him as much as my desire to help him somehow! As i did see through his addiction and i thought the person below was actually quite decent. So I rooted for that person. But I am giving up now entirely alright. He has to want to love that person too. Otherwise, its futile! 🥺
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I’m just going to throw a few things out there, it may or may not be relevant to your situation, but just some thoughts..
There seems to be a lot of triangulating going on (he said/ she said, assumptions regarding the blocking, or motivations for doing so, being filtered through his distorted perceptions). I agree with what everyone is saying regarding how before Social Media, things were much easier, and we didn’t have to deal with all of that. My last bf who struggled with addictions was before the days of Social Media, but I really liked his family. His sisters ended up convincing me to break up with him. They were like,” go find someone nice. Our brother is an a-hole”. And they were right, and I did, thanks to them. They weren’t trying to be mean to him, they were just being realistic (he also had a history of violence which only escalated I found out years later, so they did me a huge favor). For the most part, you can never really be sure what people know, or what they are thinking, unless you hear it right from them.
Another thing with the blocking of Social Media, and numbers on cell phones, is sometimes when you are dealing with someone who is not in their right mind (in this case, addictions), is sometimes they do in fact do so for shady reasons. Not sure if that’s the case here or not, but also it seems like addicts always seems to losing their wallets and phones. Notice how then he says he searched your number down through others, so it makes it seem like he put forth all of this effort. So if there was anything shady regarding the blocking, now he looks like Prince Charming because he tracked your number down. Just throwing this out here because it’s something I’ve seen time & time again, a dear loved one has a guy who does this kind of crap all the time. If you don’t think it pertains to you, then never mind, but just throwing that out there in case that has any truth to it.
That he then became cold and kind of harsh would make me wonder, though. . Maybe some of that compassion you are giving him, can be channeled towards you? Your feelings and experiences are important too. Nothing wrong with taking some space for yourself to clear your head.
There seems to be a lot of triangulating going on (he said/ she said, assumptions regarding the blocking, or motivations for doing so, being filtered through his distorted perceptions). I agree with what everyone is saying regarding how before Social Media, things were much easier, and we didn’t have to deal with all of that. My last bf who struggled with addictions was before the days of Social Media, but I really liked his family. His sisters ended up convincing me to break up with him. They were like,” go find someone nice. Our brother is an a-hole”. And they were right, and I did, thanks to them. They weren’t trying to be mean to him, they were just being realistic (he also had a history of violence which only escalated I found out years later, so they did me a huge favor). For the most part, you can never really be sure what people know, or what they are thinking, unless you hear it right from them.
Another thing with the blocking of Social Media, and numbers on cell phones, is sometimes when you are dealing with someone who is not in their right mind (in this case, addictions), is sometimes they do in fact do so for shady reasons. Not sure if that’s the case here or not, but also it seems like addicts always seems to losing their wallets and phones. Notice how then he says he searched your number down through others, so it makes it seem like he put forth all of this effort. So if there was anything shady regarding the blocking, now he looks like Prince Charming because he tracked your number down. Just throwing this out here because it’s something I’ve seen time & time again, a dear loved one has a guy who does this kind of crap all the time. If you don’t think it pertains to you, then never mind, but just throwing that out there in case that has any truth to it.
That he then became cold and kind of harsh would make me wonder, though. . Maybe some of that compassion you are giving him, can be channeled towards you? Your feelings and experiences are important too. Nothing wrong with taking some space for yourself to clear your head.
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