He now deleted me on all social media!?🤷*♀️
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Well, there isn't a whole lotta fairness and logic in life and love even when there isn't addiction involved. Sometimes we give of ourselves and it isn't reciprocated. If we can take the focus off why people don't give back, and turn it on how can we learn to recognize those who will appreciate it, the lack of logic and fairness of it all starts to become less relevant--which is good because there isn't a darn thing we can do about it anyway.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
It was some week ago and he wished to see how i was and to give him back some more of his belongings (a suit, some documents and a hat)! So he never mentioned getting back with me, nor getting help for himself, if that is your question!?
He acted half offended throughout the call by the way, and so usually, i would ask him why etc. but this time I just let it slide!
He said that his mother asked how i was, but he said it in a way where i can conclude how she feels ‘sorry’ for me (in a derogatory way). The amount of ego that runs in that family is simply amazing. They talk down on each other too, so it doesnt surprise me actually.
All in all, they all seem ok without me in the picture, and I was nothing but loving towards them!??
That probably hurts the most in all of this. As I was condemned for truly caring! Where is fairness and logic in that? There’s none indeed 😞
He acted half offended throughout the call by the way, and so usually, i would ask him why etc. but this time I just let it slide!
He said that his mother asked how i was, but he said it in a way where i can conclude how she feels ‘sorry’ for me (in a derogatory way). The amount of ego that runs in that family is simply amazing. They talk down on each other too, so it doesnt surprise me actually.
All in all, they all seem ok without me in the picture, and I was nothing but loving towards them!??
That probably hurts the most in all of this. As I was condemned for truly caring! Where is fairness and logic in that? There’s none indeed 😞
There is no fairness when dealing with an alcoholic. The will tell even their family members lies. It makes no difference to them. He knows your not on his side and you were caring to them so he's trying to get them on his side. It not fair to you. You were the caring one to them. I know it's hard to understand the logic, but it's something you just have to let go.
I'm happy 😀 that you have some friends to help you get through this. Stay strong princess. You will get through this. If the AB comes back to the castle. Maybe you can lock him up in the dungeon. That would solve a lot of problems..lol
I hope you have a good day filled with joy and laughter.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Agreed, nothing fair about it at all, but now that you know what you know about alcoholism and addiction, I'm sure that on an intellectual level you get it - it's that emotion that hurts!
Not only can you not apply "normal" relationship dynamics to an alcoholic relationship, that applies to their family too.
I'm sure there are exceptions to this, where the family has also been through the wringer with the alcoholic and tried to help, to no avail and actually understand addiction, but at the end of the day, they are still his family. If you were the alcoholic, can you see your family taking his "side" in any of this?
Not only can you not apply "normal" relationship dynamics to an alcoholic relationship, that applies to their family too.
I'm sure there are exceptions to this, where the family has also been through the wringer with the alcoholic and tried to help, to no avail and actually understand addiction, but at the end of the day, they are still his family. If you were the alcoholic, can you see your family taking his "side" in any of this?
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Fiona......the way I look at it----when we have decided to do "good" in any situation...and, we end up being done wrong.....it is good to remember that our contract with goodness is with God or The Universe....not with mortals of this world....
I particularly remember something that I read in a book by Iyanla Van Zant that really stuck with me, over the years....LOL...it was at a time when I was struggling with a long list for Christmas shopping...…
She said that if we give a gift because we expect a gift in return...it is not really a true gift...it is a form of manipulation....
I particularly remember something that I read in a book by Iyanla Van Zant that really stuck with me, over the years....LOL...it was at a time when I was struggling with a long list for Christmas shopping...…
She said that if we give a gift because we expect a gift in return...it is not really a true gift...it is a form of manipulation....
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Join Date: May 2019
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Of course @dandylion, and honestly, I do not expect anything! Actually you said it the way I feel- God is my biggest strenght these days and I know that relationship is beyond everything and everyone else. So no, I dont have any regrets nor anything I wish to have done differently! I am sure love always finds the way and leave some beautiful footprints wherever it shows up anyway. Its not a waste.
so I continue to pray at the end of it all- both for myself and for them too!
@ironwill LOL, no dungeons in my castle please
))) only freshly made tea, ever expanding spaciousness and serenity of a 5am sunrise☺️
@trailmix so true once again. Family is the one who is naturally inclined to take his side. Besides, in all honesty, if they were any different (meaning, determined not to enable him), they wouldnt have an active part in his life while he is still using. They would probably do NC too. So, that says a lot.....
so I continue to pray at the end of it all- both for myself and for them too!
@ironwill LOL, no dungeons in my castle please
))) only freshly made tea, ever expanding spaciousness and serenity of a 5am sunrise☺️@trailmix so true once again. Family is the one who is naturally inclined to take his side. Besides, in all honesty, if they were any different (meaning, determined not to enable him), they wouldnt have an active part in his life while he is still using. They would probably do NC too. So, that says a lot.....
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
Once his own mom said to me “how did u end up with someone like HIM” like he is some trash or something!? I couldnt believe the coldness behind those words.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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And why- because I pointed out to him about his problem with drinking and how i cant support it??
[/QUOTE]My XAF’s mother would always call me and ask about how much he was drinking “lately”. Because of it I started watching him, controlling and asking the craziest question. Every time she called me I would confront him. In fact she suggested that maybe he needed professional help, I got to a point I was forcing him to go to the doctor or I would leave. Well he ended up leaving me.
i called his mother and told her what was happening he said he is not sure that he is actually an alcoholic and maybe I should stay away since he was drinking so much because of me (that’s what he told her).
i am so mad at her, she basically manipulated me to confront him so she wouldn’t have to do it and push him away. I asked her talk to him about the problem, she said maybe she should stay away so he wouldn’t be angry and push her away, so would be better if I talked to him. And she would always tem me “don’t worry, I will never tell him we spoke about him drinking”. I told her he knew we talked and what about.
his sister has been sober for a little over 4 years now. I reached out to her a few times hoping she would give me some guidance or even get involved in helping him. But nope ... she also ignored it and said he is a grown up he needs to make his own choices (well I get it, but meanwhile I’m watching him slowly kill himself).
This is heart breaking, I know you expected at least support from his family, buttery see you as the bad person, you are the reason he make these choices. I’m so sorry! I am new here and still learning, I hope sharing a little of my story gives you some comfort.
You are are NOT the bad guy!!! You know what you’ve been through and I feel for you.
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Thanks for your kind comments! I dont think in my case they see me personally as a CAUSE of his issues tho. For he was drinking way before he ever met me.
On the contrary actually, his mom (as stated above) was telling me about HIM being a bad guy and was surprised how i managed to end up with HIM in the first place!? And i remember i was shocked to hear anyones mother speaking about her own son in such a derrogative way. So, its a bit different here @nara, but i know what ure saying overall. As they ALL are adding up to the problem. For they are not addressing the issue properly and are ALL ENABLERS TOO.
In my case, i think more and more how my X Told them i dont know whAt, which is why they deleted me. OR, they just figured I Dont wish to ENABLE him (because I ACTUALLY love him!!) so they just erased me instead from their life (as this is easier than change the whole structure of the family and their ‘ways’ so far).
Sadly, i could see they dont really care about him. I mean they do but they dont, if u know what i mean?
Anyway, even if each of our stories are somewhat different, what is important is that our partners didnt manage to make a healthy choice when it comes to us and being in a relationship over drinking! All other issues are actually secondary, i figured! Because THEY ALONE are the ones who decide who they listen to and follow! So its not about their family, its about THEM.
And unfortunately, they cant think clearly as their BRAIN is affected. So, their choices reflect that. And family is only playing along, I suppose......I mean, dont get me wrong, there ARE toxic families alright and influences and mean things some of them are doing. BUT, our men are suppose to be MATURE ENOUGH and ADULTS to think with their own mind. So thats the whole problem, you know.
At the end of the day, We can only believe in what we personally offered! And if someone didnt recognise or wasn’t able to respond and reciprocate (for whatever reason), its their loss! Our loss can be waste of energy and time and life even, of course! But we are ALSO ADULTS so we willingly jumped onto that train so to speak. And even if we weren’t aware of the problem, once we become aware, we are free to make our new decision accordingly (for ourselves). And that is ALL we can do basically. Besides, who knows, perhaps your BFs mom actually did you a favor in the long run!??? As believe me, addicts NEVER make good partners in ANY WAY-they have a disease and they need healing above everything else!!!!!!!
On the contrary actually, his mom (as stated above) was telling me about HIM being a bad guy and was surprised how i managed to end up with HIM in the first place!? And i remember i was shocked to hear anyones mother speaking about her own son in such a derrogative way. So, its a bit different here @nara, but i know what ure saying overall. As they ALL are adding up to the problem. For they are not addressing the issue properly and are ALL ENABLERS TOO.
In my case, i think more and more how my X Told them i dont know whAt, which is why they deleted me. OR, they just figured I Dont wish to ENABLE him (because I ACTUALLY love him!!) so they just erased me instead from their life (as this is easier than change the whole structure of the family and their ‘ways’ so far).
Sadly, i could see they dont really care about him. I mean they do but they dont, if u know what i mean?
Anyway, even if each of our stories are somewhat different, what is important is that our partners didnt manage to make a healthy choice when it comes to us and being in a relationship over drinking! All other issues are actually secondary, i figured! Because THEY ALONE are the ones who decide who they listen to and follow! So its not about their family, its about THEM.
And unfortunately, they cant think clearly as their BRAIN is affected. So, their choices reflect that. And family is only playing along, I suppose......I mean, dont get me wrong, there ARE toxic families alright and influences and mean things some of them are doing. BUT, our men are suppose to be MATURE ENOUGH and ADULTS to think with their own mind. So thats the whole problem, you know.
At the end of the day, We can only believe in what we personally offered! And if someone didnt recognise or wasn’t able to respond and reciprocate (for whatever reason), its their loss! Our loss can be waste of energy and time and life even, of course! But we are ALSO ADULTS so we willingly jumped onto that train so to speak. And even if we weren’t aware of the problem, once we become aware, we are free to make our new decision accordingly (for ourselves). And that is ALL we can do basically. Besides, who knows, perhaps your BFs mom actually did you a favor in the long run!??? As believe me, addicts NEVER make good partners in ANY WAY-they have a disease and they need healing above everything else!!!!!!!
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there ARE toxic families alright and influences and mean things some of them are doing. BUT, our men are suppose to be MATURE ENOUGH and ADULTS to think with their own mind.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
that goes for enablers and codies,too.
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Not sure how other people look at it, but to me, when you are dating someone, you are sort of like a “guest”, and not part of the family until you get married. And people and families are free to be whoever and however they are, take it or leave it, their dynamics are their dynamics..
Also, I am reminded of this one guy I know who has a troubled relationship history and tends to go through wives. Whenever divorce is on the brink, the family members are sad, but they let the ex go for the sake of having good boundaries and not get involved in his relationship stuff. Nothing worse than family members or friends triangulating and meddling when people are trying to work things out, or break up.
So my question is, if the situation was in reverse, and you were breaking up with someone, would you want your family members taking sides and getting involved with someone you were breaking up with, or keeping contact with your ex? Or a clean break, with their loyalties being to you? (not for you to answer here or anything- just something for you to think about)
Also, I am reminded of this one guy I know who has a troubled relationship history and tends to go through wives. Whenever divorce is on the brink, the family members are sad, but they let the ex go for the sake of having good boundaries and not get involved in his relationship stuff. Nothing worse than family members or friends triangulating and meddling when people are trying to work things out, or break up.
So my question is, if the situation was in reverse, and you were breaking up with someone, would you want your family members taking sides and getting involved with someone you were breaking up with, or keeping contact with your ex? Or a clean break, with their loyalties being to you? (not for you to answer here or anything- just something for you to think about)
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Join Date: May 2019
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No of course not, and i personally dont expect anyone on his part to choose me over him! That was never my wish to begin with, nor expectation! However, I did believe we can stay in OK relations and that I dont have to be deleted from contacts just because I broke up with him. Its almost like they were making a statement with that. So I thought of it as even childish, as you literally have to Invest TIME into blocking someone or deleting them or whatever. i would never have time for those things myself!?. I dont know, I just didnt expect it, thats all. Also, I didnt expect for him to make such turnaround when it comes to me either, no matter his issue! But it did happen, so Im learning to leave it go!!!!!!!
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Join Date: May 2019
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It is sad though, those years of building a relationship and it all goes to smoke in literally a second! But then again, I was thinking about life in general, things like that happen all the time- something unexpected happens and people are left scraping up pieces of themselves from all over the place! You dont even have to be an addict, it can be anything really- loss of career, a family member, different types of illnesses strike suddenly etc etc. Life is just too unpredictable in general. So I guess good thing is to remain flexible at all times and know that ANYTHING can change (both good and bad) and all that u’ve build can go up in a smoke too.
It is still all worth it somehow i believe- we have learned something and it added a piece of the puzzle to our unique tapestry of life!
It is still all worth it somehow i believe- we have learned something and it added a piece of the puzzle to our unique tapestry of life!
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