trailmix

You know, I have been thinking about this (alcoholic behaviour) and about some of your recent posts, grappling with trying to make any sense out of the non-sensical.

Have you ever watched some movie, or even a documentary, say about a serial killer. So you watch it and you think, I can't understand how anyone could do that, how can you even think like that? Or even a movie about a psychopath that does - whatever.

You can't understand because your mind doesn't work that way.

All that is to say, that alcoholic thinking, in my opinion, is no different. Yes, the guy/woman may just be an ass, who's to know and you absolutely can't know - certainly not right now, because they are who they are - right now. Was he always like this, have the drugs and drinking been masking - who knows what, for years? Perhaps. Under all that might there be a pretty decent person? Perhaps and you have probably seen glimpses of that (of course because you were going to marry him!) but there is no way to see that right now because that is not only not how he is thinking that is not how his mind is functioning.

For years drugs and/or alcohol have softened the world. Imagine if everytime you wanted to shift your mood (probably like right now) you just took a pill or had 6 drinks. You wouldn't have to bother to really deal with your feelings, you wouldn't have to look at the effect on other people and your world will just be fun and fuzzy.

Now take that all away. All you are left with is the reality of your life and how you have drugged it. It must be overwhelming. How do you deal with something that gigantic when you aren't even used to dealing with the little stuff.

This is not in any way to make you feel sorry for the addict, not at all and no way, hopefully, maybe, it goes a little way toward the understanding of the madness.

It's not you.

trailmix

Oh and as for the family - well they are having to deal with Mr. miserable as well.

Far easier for them to block you on FB than to listen to his 25 reasons why they should.

Not saying any of it is right.

abgator

Seriously, walk away. Forget all of them.

You have no idea what lies he told them to hide or excuse his alcoholism. I know. I did the same thing when my wife left me. I told my parents anything I could to make her the bad guy. Now she was by no means innocent in it all, but I absolutely hid my drinking problem from family. It wasn't until 5 years later, when I was desperate for help that I told my parents the truth.

Just chock it all up to alcoholic behavior. Move on and up. You'll thank yourself later.

Bekindalways

Yes he may have told his family to delete you. This is really tough stuff. This man is probably fighting like hell to save the love of his life, alcohol. Anyway he can show you are the problem distracts everyone from his drinking. This is what alcoholics do. It has nothing to do with you. It is just like a tsunami sweeping everything before it.

Fionna, I hope you have been doing lots of reading about alcoholism and how it works. It can be a help to be armed with information. You will still get the blows as they fall but at least you won't be sucker punched as you can kind of expect what is coming.

Courage to you lady. This is certainly not fun.

FionnaPerSe

FeelingGreat

Fiona it may seem heartless, but keeping contact with your ex's family is never going to last. It's probably not even personal on your ABFs part just a wish to move on and cut ties. I've seen it over and over when relationships break up. It doesn't matter how well you get on with the ex's family, you will drift apart and it's best you do. They are never going to drop him for you. In the end you will find it easier and be glad it happened.
The 'staying friends' thing is only viable in very limited circumstances, so don't take it too literally.

Hawkeye13

Maybe time to cut contact.
You will heal faster, and there is no sense to be made in this situation at this time— you are freshly wounded and he is firmly entrenched in active addiction.

FionnaPerSe

Eauchiche

Fionna,
Maybe they are trying to contact you so they can punish you for leaving. The picture that comes to mind is when my Dad would beat us with a belt. He would hold us by one hand and swing with the other one. He had to pull us close to do it.

SparkleKitty

Fionna, if he truly cares for you as a friend, he will understand if you need some distance and silence for a time to work through the end of your romantic relationship.

We never "owe" anyone a response. And when a relationship ends, we often owe ourselves the space to move on.

Hawkeye13

Yes, you can--taking care of your emotional needs is not targeting him.

You need to love yourself enough to back yourself up, no?

ironwill

[QUOTE=FionnaPerSe;7279536]Fionnaperse,
I'm sorry for the sadness princsess that you are going through. The alcoholic mind is always trying get another drink and keep those around them inline. He will try anything to keep the status quo. He said you were important. If you were really important he would not be acting like an a$$ to you.

I know you said you were close to his sister's and his family, but you don't know what lies he has told them. You need to get in touch with you own friends. Talk to them. Lean on them for support. I know it's hard to talk about this. But they will understand and will want to help if they are truly your friend. Don't worry about his family. You need to worry about yourself.

If he contacts you just be brief and to the point. You don't have to be mean. I would keep any contact to phone only. Then if he gets out of line you can just hangup or ignore his text. If it was me I would just block him. Send him a text that you need time and you will contact him when you are ready.

I know the castle seams lonely princess. But you have all of us here to help you out and for support. Be strong and know you have a big heart. Save it for someone who will treat it correctly. Have a beautiful day.

pdm22

Well I think it’s hard to go against the grain and behave in a way that isn’t in your nature, but sometimes it’s necessary. It’s good generally speaking to have standards and etiquette (returning phone calls and messages, etc), but when you are dealing with a situation like this, it’s not a bad idea to change things up a little.

Relationships are a two way street. He doesn’t seem to have regard for your experience and feelings when he gets like this, so really, the only one you have to count on to protect yourself from that kind of thing, is you. What’s the worst that you think will happen if you give yourself, say, 1 week to block everything and not check up on Social Media, and just give yourself that time to focus on you and how *you* are doing?

FionnaPerSe

pdm22

Well then I hope the not hearing from him ends up being a blessing in disguise for you. Although I know it’s painful going through that, when the “switch” happens and the person isn’t so nice.

abgator

You ignore him.

Seriously. Talk to him one last time. Flat out tell him, "YOU closed this door, not me" and be done with it. Save yourself the constant heart ache and drama and walk away thanking God that you won't spend the rest of your life worrying, fighting, etc. with an alcoholic.

tomsteve

how i dealt with it was making a decision on what was more important- me and my mental state or her and her chaos and drama. that meant even if a call was only to see how i was, it wasnt allowed.
my decision was MY mental state was more important than her chaos and drama so no contact PERIOD.
theres only 2 choices- do or dont. not making a choice is making the choice to allow the crap to continue.

pdm22

^ It does circle back to at what point is a person going to say enough is enough, and decide not to take it anymore. Even if that’s a decision that’s made internally (and then taking the steps to extricate). It’s hard when you are in the middle of it though, and your emotions are all over the place. For those who have gone no contact, if you think back to what it’s like being in that state, is there anything you could go back in time and tell yourself to get yourself out (and would you have even listened yourself), Were people telling you to leave and did you listen, or did some straw finally break the camel’s back?

Just commenting about the thread in general, it got me thinking about how it comes back to what you as the individual are going to decide to do, and what it takes to go no contact for different people. Deciding what your boundaries are going to be, detaching from the crazy bs, and taking care of yourself.

AnvilheadII

when was the last time he contacted you and what was the purpose of his call?

FionnaPerSe