Another question if u please
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It's my understanding that building up to a drink is the lead-up to a relapse. It looks like a variety of things from picking fights, stopping any recovery work (meetings, counseling sessions, etc.), just losing the good, positive direction of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Thank you. I feel more and more that Im coming out of the fog. This morning I reminded AH that he needs to sign one more page for the papers. His comeback was snarky and sarcastic. "That'll be great." I saw it for what it is....he isnt happy about this, he is being sarcastic and hurtful in those comments. He then says "Would being remorseful or humble really make any difference here? Then he follows me into another room, since I walked away from him and tells me "I cannot get a doctors release to return to work, because I never was put on a doctors restriction to be AWAY from work. This is not going to be resolved by sept 9., so therefore I will have to move 1200 miles away to be with FOO and take my chances" Then he leaves. I see manipulation there. Clearly any indication of recovery, and movement towards "niceties" or attempts at being humble are just a quid pro quo. If I do this will you do that? He is NOT in recovery. He is NOT going to quit drinking. He is NOT sorry for what happened. He is NOT concerned about my well being or my emotional state. This hit me this morning, as clear as the sun rose in the sky this morning. I think he is building up to a drink. Thankfully, he wont be here. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Relapse starts happening long before the drink touches their
lips. The simplest way to look at it is if they are not walking,
talking, thinking, speaking recovery- they are in relapse mode.
lips. The simplest way to look at it is if they are not walking,
talking, thinking, speaking recovery- they are in relapse mode.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by mylifeismine 
Relapse starts happening long before the drink touches their
lips. The simplest way to look at it is if they are not walking,
talking, thinking, speaking recovery- they are in relapse mode.
lips. The simplest way to look at it is if they are not walking,
talking, thinking, speaking recovery- they are in relapse mode.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
The big NO is sinking in—That you are going forward with the divorce and he can’t manipulate you into letting him stay.
He isn’t in recovery. He’s squandering his rehab opportunity. Consequences are closing in and the coping mechanism he knows best and is easiest is booze.
He relapse has been building since he “quit” weeks ago because he never really quit. He has instead been performing sobriety, and the audience is unimpressed.
Yes, that is the perfect storm for him going off the deep end yet again to delay the inevitable. Next move will be to the raise the stakes.
He isn’t in recovery. He’s squandering his rehab opportunity. Consequences are closing in and the coping mechanism he knows best and is easiest is booze.
He relapse has been building since he “quit” weeks ago because he never really quit. He has instead been performing sobriety, and the audience is unimpressed.
Yes, that is the perfect storm for him going off the deep end yet again to delay the inevitable. Next move will be to the raise the stakes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
The big NO is sinking in—That you are going forward with the divorce and he can’t manipulate you into letting him stay.
He isn’t in recovery. He’s squandering his rehab opportunity. Consequences are closing in and the coping mechanism he knows best and is easiest is booze.
He relapse has been building since he “quit” weeks ago because he never really quit. He has instead been performing sobriety, and the audience is unimpressed.
Yes, that is the perfect storm for him going off the deep end yet again to delay the inevitable. Next move will be to the raise the stakes.
He isn’t in recovery. He’s squandering his rehab opportunity. Consequences are closing in and the coping mechanism he knows best and is easiest is booze.
He relapse has been building since he “quit” weeks ago because he never really quit. He has instead been performing sobriety, and the audience is unimpressed.
Yes, that is the perfect storm for him going off the deep end yet again to delay the inevitable. Next move will be to the raise the stakes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Yep. Seeing it clear as day. Hes thinking about it. Especially since his blood work yesterday showed his liver functions have IMPROVED since 2015....ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
I hear you! I feels weird to be disappointed in good medical results, but it's like a permission slip to drink for them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Building up to a drink feels like an inner tension building and building. It can be defused by recovery work but we may opt not to do so.
We become restless, irritable and discontent (quote from Big Book which I think is an excellent description).
To release the tension and to try and feel good again, we drink.
Very basic overview based on my experience as daily drinker.
I am sober but AH still drinks. It is possible to feel that tension in the air. I can with AH and friends of mine have said the same about their A spouses.
We become restless, irritable and discontent (quote from Big Book which I think is an excellent description).
To release the tension and to try and feel good again, we drink.
Very basic overview based on my experience as daily drinker.
I am sober but AH still drinks. It is possible to feel that tension in the air. I can with AH and friends of mine have said the same about their A spouses.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Building up to a drink feels like an inner tension building and building. It can be defused by recovery work but we may opt not to do so.
We become restless, irritable and discontent (quote from Big Book which I think is an excellent description).
To release the tension and to try and feel good again, we drink.
Very basic overview based on my experience as daily drinker.
I am sober but AH still drinks. It is possible to feel that tension in the air. I can with AH and friends of mine have said the same about their A spouses.
We become restless, irritable and discontent (quote from Big Book which I think is an excellent description).
To release the tension and to try and feel good again, we drink.
Very basic overview based on my experience as daily drinker.
I am sober but AH still drinks. It is possible to feel that tension in the air. I can with AH and friends of mine have said the same about their A spouses.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
I do indeed feel the difference between a build up and the feeling after a binge of peace. It’s uncanny.
My AH needs a drink right now, I can feel the tension. He will have one and suddenly it is like the sun comes out in his world.
He was saying he is depressed and despairing. Which in reality means he was wanting me to sit and listen to his pity party moaning. Once off his chest he would feel he has earned a big ol' drink!
However, I don't play now. I just said "oh" and went back to doing what I was doing.
I work the Al-anon program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I know what you mean, D&C.
My AH needs a drink right now, I can feel the tension. He will have one and suddenly it is like the sun comes out in his world.
He was saying he is depressed and despairing. Which in reality means he was wanting me to sit and listen to his pity party moaning. Once off his chest he would feel he has earned a big ol' drink!
However, I don't play now. I just said "oh" and went back to doing what I was doing.
I work the Al-anon program.
My AH needs a drink right now, I can feel the tension. He will have one and suddenly it is like the sun comes out in his world.
He was saying he is depressed and despairing. Which in reality means he was wanting me to sit and listen to his pity party moaning. Once off his chest he would feel he has earned a big ol' drink!
However, I don't play now. I just said "oh" and went back to doing what I was doing.
I work the Al-anon program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"It's crazy"
We see that comment a lot here, and I just need to say
It's I N S A N I T Y.
Truely
Absolutely
And it will affect you and your kids.
Like going outside in dangerously unhealthy air quality-
you will breathe some in.....
We see that comment a lot here, and I just need to say
It's I N S A N I T Y.
Truely
Absolutely
And it will affect you and your kids.
Like going outside in dangerously unhealthy air quality-
you will breathe some in.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
oh my gosh yes . Whenever AH has a drink it’s like the switch was turned on. Whenever he is too happy I know he’s drinking. It’s an artificial happy but still. During this last binge, when he was tapering, he had a beer on the patio, I went out there and he was so communicative, pleasant, happy, talking like all was right in the world as if he and I were out on the town. This after police, paramedics, hospitals....it’s crazy!
My AH is dying from his alcoholism.
It is a horrible, fatal disease. Horrendous to those with it and those around them. Indeed crazy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
So on my continuing reading journey I have read about “building up to a drink”. How does one build up to a drink? What does that look like, and why is that happening?
All addictions are caused by one underlying emotion: intolerable, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Compulsive drinking always serves an emotional purpose.
Reasons for drinking or any compulsive behavior are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes one feel overwhelmingly trapped).
The antidote is to regain control of your feelings, empower yourself with some, "other," high value behavior. The only way you will stop desiring substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness in the change than in the using. You must reach that conclusion yourself because, as Aristotle said, “We desire in accordance with our deliberation.”
When your values trump your desire to get drunk you won't get drunk.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
