Another question if u please
 

It's my understanding that building up to a drink is the lead-up to a relapse. It looks like a variety of things from picking fights, stopping any recovery work (meetings, counseling sessions, etc.), just losing the good, positive direction of recovery.

Thank you. I feel more and more that Im coming out of the fog. This morning I reminded AH that he needs to sign one more page for the papers. His comeback was snarky and sarcastic. "That'll be great." I saw it for what it is....he isnt happy about this, he is being sarcastic and hurtful in those comments. He then says "Would being remorseful or humble really make any difference here? Then he follows me into another room, since I walked away from him and tells me "I cannot get a doctors release to return to work, because I never was put on a doctors restriction to be AWAY from work. This is not going to be resolved by sept 9., so therefore I will have to move 1200 miles away to be with FOO and take my chances" Then he leaves. I see manipulation there. Clearly any indication of recovery, and movement towards "niceties" or attempts at being humble are just a quid pro quo. If I do this will you do that? He is NOT in recovery. He is NOT going to quit drinking. He is NOT sorry for what happened. He is NOT concerned about my well being or my emotional state. This hit me this morning, as clear as the sun rose in the sky this morning. I think he is building up to a drink. Thankfully, he wont be here. :a043:

I can't tell you how, (though Seren did a pretty good job) but I can say that I can always "feel" the build up.

yep. I thought I was crazy but nope, yep I can feel it too.

Relapse starts happening long before the drink touches their
lips. The simplest way to look at it is if they are not walking,
talking, thinking, speaking recovery- they are in relapse mode.

.

Yep. Seeing it clear as day. Hes thinking about it. Especially since his blood work yesterday showed his liver functions have IMPROVED since 2015....ugh.

Not that I want his liver to be hurt. He just got arrogant about it.

The big NO is sinking in—That you are going forward with the divorce and he can’t manipulate you into letting him stay.

He isn’t in recovery. He’s squandering his rehab opportunity. Consequences are closing in and the coping mechanism he knows best and is easiest is booze.

He relapse has been building since he “quit” weeks ago because he never really quit. He has instead been performing sobriety, and the audience is unimpressed.

Yes, that is the perfect storm for him going off the deep end yet again to delay the inevitable. Next move will be to the raise the stakes.

He does not impress me at all. Every single time we speak, Im upset. Im now just saying "I understand, this disease is the worse." and carry on. I will insist he sign the final page today, and turn in the papers on Monday. Heres hoping. If he doesnt I can move ahead without his signature, I will just need to go to court once. I was hoping to avoid that. Thank you Hawk....

I hear you! I feels weird to be disappointed in good medical results, but it's like a permission slip to drink for them.

Yes! So glad you understand. I saw his body language, his talk....so arrogant. He knows he can go round again....

Building up to a drink feels like an inner tension building and building. It can be defused by recovery work but we may opt not to do so.

We become restless, irritable and discontent (quote from Big Book which I think is an excellent description).

To release the tension and to try and feel good again, we drink.

Very basic overview based on my experience as daily drinker.

I am sober but AH still drinks. It is possible to feel that tension in the air. I can with AH and friends of mine have said the same about their A spouses.

I know what you mean, D&C.

My AH needs a drink right now, I can feel the tension. He will have one and suddenly it is like the sun comes out in his world.

He was saying he is depressed and despairing. Which in reality means he was wanting me to sit and listen to his pity party moaning. Once off his chest he would feel he has earned a big ol' drink!

However, I don't play now. I just said "oh" and went back to doing what I was doing.

I work the Al-anon program.

"It's crazy"

We see that comment a lot here, and I just need to say
It's I N S A N I T Y.
Truely
Absolutely
And it will affect you and your kids.
Like going outside in dangerously unhealthy air quality-
you will breathe some in.....

Yes. It is all artificial. A chemical affecting an area of the brain. So the "nice" them and the "nasty" them are just as fake although we like to think the "nice" version is the real version of the person we love.

My AH is dying from his alcoholism.

It is a horrible, fatal disease. Horrendous to those with it and those around them. Indeed crazy.

Here is my take: If you are like most people, there is probably some theme in your life that always makes you feel helpless or powerless, and it is this theme that appears just before you DECIDE to drink.
All addictions are caused by one underlying emotion: intolerable, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Compulsive drinking always serves an emotional purpose.

Reasons for drinking or any compulsive behavior are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes one feel overwhelmingly trapped).

The antidote is to regain control of your feelings, empower yourself with some, "other," high value behavior. The only way you will stop desiring substances and change your behavior is by seeing more happiness in the change than in the using. You must reach that conclusion yourself because, as Aristotle said, “We desire in accordance with our deliberation.”

When your values trump your desire to get drunk you won't get drunk.