trailmix

Yes, it leaves a big gaping hole in your life where there were phone calls and texts and going out, it's tough to adjust to at first.

I've read this type of scenario many times here.

The alcoholic breaks up with SO because they need to get help and need to do this on their own (and perhaps their intentions are good, who can say).

They don't bother to do that, they just keep drinking. I wouldn't assume that he is in rehab right now, getting clean for his family and his life, doing soul searching and finding his higher power. It's just as likely he is waiting to hit the bar after work.

Is that not his M.O.?

Maybe he will seek treatment, maybe he won't - that is no longer your problem and while you can't see it, maybe it is a good thing for you. I am 100 % certain that you have better things to do with your life than worry about his recovery or lack of.

What do you want? What do you want to do? Travel? Move? Go on a mini-vacation? Spend a week at the beach or a resort? Take a week off and do nothing but self-care? Visit your family.

What he is done is cruel, don't forget that. He is not as loving as he appeared. He was dishonest, not only that he spoke to someone else about that and not you, you had to hear it second hand. That's incredibly mean and hurtful (and again, dishonest).

Sounds like he is pretending to be who he wants to be, not who he truly is. Realistically, could you ever trust him again?

When do you attend your first Al-Anon meeting?

Soseking75

He doesn't go to bars.. he just goes thru a drive thru liquor store to buy a bottle. Doesnt even have to get out of his truck to buy! Just a drive thru window! How convenient!
I truly believe he has gone to get help because he was with his mom and I knew between her and his dad they won't allow him to not go get help.

I do want to take a vacation but no funds for that. I do want to sell my house. im currently starting a workout routine just to get my body back and to destress!

I've sat here today asking myself if he did ever contact me what would I say? I know the only reason for him to contact me now would be because he wants to be in good graces and see me. ( done it before). More than once. I'd listen to him but be very cautious because after this Heartbreak I would not be easily swayed again. He does have a daughter whom I'm very close with. She's only 7. She wanted us to get married. She loves me as much as I love her. Very attached. I think that's one reason he felt comfortable wanting me back...because I'm closer to her than anyone else besides his family.

I think he isn't himself and I probably don't really know the real him as he has drank to obscure his real emotions for years. I know he has a heart... I've seen it time and time again on days where he isn't divulging but yes I know it doesn't mean he was 100% sober.

He has been cruel. To hear second hand.. a major blow.. to know he can just cut me out as fast as he can snap his fingers is just rude. That's where I'll have a very hard time forgiving. I'm not saying I won't give him the time of day because I know I will... I know me.. but I will be on guard if the occasion ever arises.

I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow. I hope it will be useful. I've sat here on thus image most if the day cause it's been very rough this morning . I had a meltdown. But your posts and everyone else who has commented has been very helpful. Each day I hope to progress. I know I might falter cause I will think of him and hurt but I have to remember he isn't good for anyone til he can be clean and I know that will take a very long time.

I think if he could come to terms with his issues and why he drinks he might really get there one day. The only thing I do know is that he does have a hang up on his ex wife. Said he still has feelings... he's said this both times he's broke up with me. Maybe not true but who really knows when they drink... but I know she will never want him back . She left him and very harshly. I don't think he ever came to terms with it but I told him he has to figure it out. It really didn't hurt me that he told me he has feelings. I just know it's more of the I miss family thing more than it's her. She's moved on with someone else. She's happy. And yet she is not aware of his drinking. How he's pulled that off? I have no idea. I just told him he's got to let go somehow before he destroys himself. Funny he only mentions he has feelings right before he starts to get rid of me. Second time he's done it. Thinking sometimes it's an excuse to see if I'll just leave so he doesn't have to break up with me. Who knows. I might not know the real him... I might not ever. Sad to think it.

trailmix

I haven't been in a relationship with an alcoholic that broke up - but of course I have had relationships end. There is nothing really that helps ease the hurt except getting through it day by day and talking it out helped me as well.

The plight of the addict is sad. That struggle is real, day after day or kicking yourself, of regret, of hurting those close to you, of wasting your time and your money on a drug, of lying and lying by omission, having a hard time thinking clearly. Sounds rather hellish.

To top it all off you need to put on a mask for those around you, including all day at work.

This does not in any way excuse poor treatment of others though. We all have trials in life, doesn't mean we need to drag the whole damn boat down.

If this is a way of life for someone, they may choose to ignore the damage they do to others or it's so much the norm they just don't realize it. I saw someone say this in the newcomers to recovery forum yesterday - he didn't realize how much he was hurting those around him.

Addiction is a selfish cause. The addict thinks of drinking/drugging foremost and pretty much at all times. When they aren't drinking they want a drink when they are drinking they want more. That doesn't leave a lot of room to be thinking about the concerns of others.

You might find these articles interesting (and the behaviours familiar) as well, they are well written and I think, very accurate. dandylion originally pointed them out, written by Floyd Garret MD

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.

Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past".

Soseking75

Wow that last paragraph on addiction is so true. Explains why my ex is dwelling so much on the past. I thunk back on this last stint of our relationship knowing at first I didn't see the signs so much and maybe he wasn't drinking soooo much for me to notice. I guess I just wonder when he declared he wanted a future with me was he at a point to really make that decision, was he lonely and felt I could fill a void, or just simply being honest. That I won't know.

I believed he wanted the relationship. He seemed so happy for months. The last two is where I started to see changes. I kept asking if we were ok . Always a yes response. But my gut told me different. I should've listened to my gut! Oh well.. I'm learning now and i can be more prepared to deal with any future run ins if it ever so happens. I want to help others as well. This site truly has been a blessing for me. My heart today isn't breaking so bad. I know in ways I'm trying to convince myself that one day he'll see just what good of a person in me he pushed out. He might not. But in all my relationships if there one thing that's been a constant is that they always return to what they know is good. Not one man I dated hasn't returned. I'm not saying I want him to return but if so I'm am way more knowledgeable now than I ever was! Hopefully I can help others too as I get help myself.

Soseking75

I think now the last two months he changed was because his living arrangements had changed. He had moved back home to his dads. Long story.. not that he didn't have money. Changed jobs , moved, went back to old job. Lots of moves so settled on staying back home for a bit because he knew he couldn't drink there and his parents were pretty adamant he stop for good so the move home would be appropriate. But... he did drink . I found a bottle in the bathroom . he was harbored from getting to drink in the open because he no longer lived by himself. Just the other night, the night before he broke up with me, he said he wished he had his own condo back. yes !!! Cause he could drink and not get caught. Maybe There is more to the last two months of him changing but to not be able to drink freely was probably a big issue. Funny how these things are just coming to light in my head now.

dandylion

Adding to what trailmix said about addiction....and, one thing, that I often forgot to remember.....is...that....the alcoholic doesn't remember a lot...lot...of things that have happened. For the sober partner or loved one...we tend to remember, in vivid detail, every painful hurt...every turn of the knife....
We forget that the alcoholic was probably black-out drunk for much of it...even if they didn't seem like they were. That could be one reason that they seem so oblivious to the amount of hurt that they have done...they don't remember! I have heard many alcoholics say that they have years or even decades that they have little memory of....
Even in the best moments...they can seem to have very "spotty memory"....and, I think they tend to confabulate (fill in the missing blanks...like little kids, or a person with a stroke will do)….They confabulate as part of their denial and "cover up", I think.
LOL...they will swear, up and down, that they didn't say something that they did say...or that they did say something that they didn't.
Or, they will get memories mixed up...and patch together pieces of different memories....and, sometimes, completely rewrite history.....
I agree that it must be so hard, for them....to have to try to navigate through life with a brain that is only partially working....
God knows...life is hard enough for those of us who have a fairly "normal", clear mind....

Soseking75

He seems to Remember everything. He actually remembers more than me! I asked him just last week about something from two years ago. He was spot on. But.. like the other night he handed me that Bottle to take away... later he "forgot" he gave it to me. I told him I poured it out. I didn't really. I was nowhere where I could pour it out. I hid it and then got rid of it later. So yeah he did forget that. But he was prob highly intoxicated. I'm sure there are more instances where he has forgotten. 😔

Soseking75

One thing still weighing on my mind... his coworker said he was confident in his decision for us to Not be together anymore. Now I'm not sure when he said this and I have to know he wasn't 100 % sober. I guess in my mind I wonder if any decision made while not clean is a well thought out decision. Yes he's been unhappy for months I was told... now I think that's cause I was in his way of drinking .. he felt guilty. I'm sure there are more reasons.. i night never get that clarity from him. I do know for a fact he didn't tell this coworker the same things he was telling me about last week that he asked me to stay with him and he called me every single day. Like he hid it from them but still told them he no longer wanted me around? I told coworker I was surprised cause i didn't once invite myself nor make him call me. They weee stunned to hear that as well. He told them one story . Me another. Maybe it's just the alcohol but it bugs me to wonder what we're his true feelings.? Maybe with an alcoholic true feelings are always questionable? Cause are they true or not. All I do think is that he did stop talking about getting married the last two months so maybe he was leading to the single life and just couldn't tell me . He did pull away some. Makes sense with what coworker has said but why continue on ? Would it not have been easier to just get it over with then? He drank more cause he was having a hard time facing me and letting me go. I just can't see to be at peace with it.

dandylion

One practice that seems very common to the grieving process...when dealing with the destruction.....is the act of ruminating...examining and going over...reviewing...every molecule of the relationship. Like digging up bones, and looking for answers and clues....
Doing this for weeks or months...
Like an attempt to get a handle on it...to reframe it...and, organize it so that one can come to a sort of peace with the experience and put in the proper place in ones memory of the experience.....
Needless to say, there is a lot of inner struggle with this process...but, it seems to be necessary and to serve a purpose....another part of the grieving/healing process....

Soseking75

Well thanks to social media I know for a fact he is not at a rehab facility. He was at home at his dads house posing with pics oh his daughter and apparently his ex wife came to pick the daughter up. They all posed for a pic so indeed I still see he must really still have feelings for his ex. He told me and I did believe it and now I see it. Yes one pic doesn't mean it but,,, I think it's true. What bothers me is he isn't getting help?.. he can go back on his medicine which was helping before he quit taking it... but if he quit it once he'll do it again. He's not done . I know too well.. I think if he could get his ex back he might? Who knows. He has an addiction. I'm not sure I really want to go to AL Anon tomorrow. I feel like I'm no longer sure who the heck I dated and the only person who can answer that is him. I'll be wondering forever. I feel bad for him though cause his ex won't take him back. She has a boyfriend and is happy. She'll use my ex for all it's worth. He's starting down a very dangerous road. One that will lead him to drink when he can't handle the pressure of not getting her like he wants. What a fool. But he is only following his heart. So was I when I went back To him . Guess time will tell.

Bekindalways

He might not be ready for help. Many go multiple times to rehab and still die of the disease. However that is entirely their right. They get to live their life as they want: rehab or not, drinking or not.

A common saying here is: "Stay on your side of the street." It means we all have things to deal with in our lives. This is our side of the street where we can really make a change.

It took a long time after I left my qualifier to figure out why I was so attracted to him. Like many of us, I wanted to help him solve his addiction problem. It was so ding dang tough to leave this issue to him and focus on my own messed up self . . . .to this day, when I hear of someone in a god awful relationship (not saying yours was bad) who won't leave, I get it. It is so tough to get out and stay out even when the alcoholic breaks up with you themselves.

Some people here probably aren't really codependent. They have excellent boundaries and naturally focus on their own issues. These people manage to be caring without being controlling . . . .sigh . . . I'm not one of these types. I can be codependent with a house plant . . . .sigh.

Alanon might not be your thing. I actually didn't go that route but often recommend it to people as it has helped so many. As much as we all have in common, we all have our own paths to get through the pain and find resources to heal and grow.

Big hug to you Sose. As I have said before, be extra extra kind to yourself and let us know how you are doing.

Sleepyhollo

The memory thing is very true. My ex has an excellent memory for certain things but a lot of things that happened when he was drinking not so much. I did not realize this until later when we were in marriage counseling after rehab. One of the things that really bothered me during our relationship as well was that he liked pornographie...a lot. To the point where I felt like it was interfering with us. At some point I had brought it up again and he basically minimized my feelings about it and made me feel like I was crazy for feeling that way. So guess what, I never brought it up again because I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere productive. I never even told my counselor about it until at least a year in. He was shocked I had kept it to myself for so long because i basically had told him every detail of my life and feel very comfortable with him. But I felt ashamed because I was made to feel like I was ridiculous for feeling that way. I finally brought it up in marriage counseling and as it turns out.....he had absolutely zero recollection of ever having that discussion. And to me that was a big deal. It seems like that would be a convo that would be remembered as it was a somewhat serious issue, at least in my opinion. Anyway, it made me really question a lot of our relationship. Like how much of it was even real if he didn’t remember a lot of what went on when he was drinking? He overall wasn’t a bad person and I know he loved me and wanted this to work. In retrospect I realize that there was emotional abuse going on but it was more subtle because he would never fall out yell at me and he never laid a hand on me. It wasn’t necessarily intentional but it was still considered abuse really. I never saw it that way because he never hit me. But the emotional abuse can be just as damaging.
He admitted that there was a lot of thing he didn’t remember during marriage counseling. He would remember things (mostly, he is a guy after all, us women don’t forget we archive ;-) ) from times he was sober but if your guy spends half of his time not being sober that is half a relationship he doesn’t remember.

I would still recommend you go to alanon, give it a try, I know it is scary to go that first time but I can almost guarantee you will feel very welcome. And besides an intro (like your name and who your addict is) you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to. No one will think twice about you not wanting to talk. It wasn’t for me but I still went about 6 or 7 times during the initial crisis but I got a lot more out of individual counseling. I don’t do well speaking in front of people and at Alanon no one gives advice, they just share a piece and maybe how they dealt with it or how they felt about it but they won’t give you advice. And I felt like I really needed a lot of that so that is why counseling was better for me, I did meet with a lady several times whose husband I know and who is a recovering alcoholic (the husband). It was very helpful as well as she had been there done that and did alanon for a long time and she would usually give me indirect advice. I felt like I could really relate to her and she knew exactly what I was going through. Try to go, I don’t think you will regret it. Everyone there has been there, no one will judge you for what you have been through.
Do you have any close friends you can go do something nice with? Go see a movie, go for a walk, go to lunch or dinner? Do something nice for yourself, even a nice long bath or a massage just for you. It will help you feel better at least for a little bit. Self care is important and that has nothing to to with addiction. Everyone needs self care...another one of those thing ps to learned way to late in life.

Soseking75

I'm honestly just hurt to see he seems fine today and posting pics. I know I can't sit here and worry anymore but it is human nature. Maybe he feels he can do it with his meds. I hope. I know I can't long for a man who does not want me. It's tough but I will choose to just move forward and be good for myself. I'll have to keep telling myself tat I know! I still want to cry but I don't. I still miss him but I don't want to. I'm joining a cross fit class again to destress. I want my life back! I don't want to be addicted to him but I know I am. He was my comfort. Made me happy to just be with him even when he did drink. I was so ready to have him forever. I guess what's gonna happen will. Guess god saw not to let this go on. I'm just not good at misery. I know no one is but I am so fragile it blows!!

dandylion

Soseking….I went back to read your posts, and I couldn't find anywhere about him supposing to take meds...?
lol......what is the deal about not crying? Especially, when you say that you want to. If a person won't cry when their heart is in pieces...when would they ever cry? Crying is as natural and normal as breathing....
I heard you say that you prayed to God. Do you think that God (Mother Nature/The Universe) gave you the anatomy and physiology to cry, for no good reason??
There are studies that say that tears actually have higher levels of stress hormones in them when one is crying during an emotional time.....
tears can lower the stress level....and give a way to release the negative energy from the body....
If you are going to cross train to destress....why not go ahead and use the tools that God gave you at birth.....

For what it is worth...no one gets extra stars in Heaven for not crying....and, not crying does not make a person stronger.....

Soseking75

Dandylion he was taking An anxiety med plus a Pill that if you drink will make you sick. He quit taking the pill to not drink cause it was messing with his bowels.. a lot. But I bet he started back. It's the only way he'd stop drinking. But I know he'll just not take it again and will drink again.

I know crying is good but honestly I'm tired of it I guess? I still have parts of the day and I know tomorrow I'll get to work and do it again. My routine will be off like I said cause there won't be anymore love you calls in the morning , no texts. He'll move on easy. He did the last time. He has plenty of girls I know that would see him. He's very attractive. Plus he makes good money. But they don't know he has an addiction like I do. He can hide it fir now but once a relationship starts he won't. Pretty much how I found out . Bottles in places not thrown away. A for sure sign!

I just gotta let go and let god. If he was meant to be mine then we will find out one day. He'll get tired of the single life once he has his own place and it's too quiet. But he will drink.. guaranteed. But.. not my issue anymore. I just still care though !!!

dandylion

Soseking…..crying is practically an art form with me...lol....

trailmix

Whoa!

I completely understand why you are pondering all of this future stuff, I really do.

The thought of him being in a relationship with someone else is a disturbing thought.

Thing is, you don't know any of that really. You don't know what was going on with him when he took the FB pics. What's really going on with a person and what's posted on FB can be far different, it's not worth reading in to it.

As for his feelings for his ex-wife. That's the regret. That's also how he works. If you really look at the big picture here, this is someone who behaves rather erratically.

- Marries his ex-wife, they divorce now he is thinking he might like to revisit that relationship?
- He has a relationship with you, breaks up and goes silent then gets back in to a relationship with you, breaks up and goes silent (after discussing a long term relationship/marriage) - do you see a pattern there?
- Never revisits the topic when he decides he wants to do something else
- He has custody of his Daughter sometimes but drinks with her around?
- Has apparently discussed his addiction with his employer but hasn't actually DONE anything about his addiction yet.

It's all over the place, he is all over the place.

Now he's living with his parents?

In the bigger picture does this sound at all like a well adjusted person?

I'm also going to guess that he never, ever wanted to talk about emotions unless he was drinking, or incredibly rarely?

There is a lot going on there. Long term alcohol abuse actually physically changes the brain, while someone is in active addiction they are not thinking straight.

That's not to say he didn't love you, he probably loves you as much as he can love someone.

I hope you do go to Al-Anon, it's really about separating yourself, staying on your own side of the street, understanding yourself. It's about helping you, not helping the alcoholic.

Soseking75

His ex wife left him so I think that's what he still has unresolved feelings for her. So many times though he's told me how he finally just let go. I think Mother's Day weekend it triggered him. He's the nice ex husband who will take her out to lunch with the daughter. I did help pick out the card and gift though. I've never made a stink about him doing that cause I'm a mom myself. I'm not jealous cause I know the ex wife is happy in her life with her boyfriend. I told him if he has unresolved feeling then he needs to address it and figure out which way to go.

I say he's not a well adjusted person. He is wishy washy. His main constant though is his daughter so I keep telling him why drink when you could lose her??? He always agrees but yet he does not stop!

And yes he does live with his dad at the moment. Had a condo and moved tow hours away to a new job, didn't like job so moved back to old job. Instead of moving in with me ( blessing in disguise I guess). He moved to dads cause when he moved back he had to dry up again! His parents thought it would be the safe route for him to live there so he couldn't drink cause he would be watched. He drank anyway. Hes gonna continue no matter where he is. Work too. He's in the golf business. Not to say he wouldn't lose his job but he's very close with the owners and managers but I'd hope now that they know of his issue that they would hold him accountable! I do fear he might screw up and lose the job one day but he don't think it. He thinks he's safe. I told him he's not safe anywhere if he's drinking!

At least I won't have to watch him do it anymore or sit thru another detox get clean stint. He always promises it's the last. A few times he was really scared I'd leave him if he kept on. I guess I should've left. But my heart has been so wrapped in his I didn't and I would still be there today if he hadn't chose to dump me. I didn't deserve it. Yes his feelings might have changed. But... he's told me every day he loves me and even the morning of that he dumped me so.... I wanna believe it was always real. Just stings he can go on so quickly and act like I don't exist. Like I'm nothing!!


Maybe I do cross his mind.. but I won't know. I can guarantee the next time he runs into me he'll try to avoid me. He will give me the cold shoulder unless his daughter is with him. To be treated like that is just rude! I'm ready to just settle to be friends amicably and speak cordial and just coexist in the same county. I've lived this before. Tough at first but I guess I can do it again!

FallenAngelina

Why would you not go? What is your hesitation?

trailmix

Well you are definitely not "nothing"!

If you think about it, is it that surprising that he can just move along? He drinks, he drinks to forget, he drinks to relax, he drinks to numb feelings and he drinks just because it's there. He isn't thinking anywhere near straight.

Not saying it doesn't hurt you, of course it does, you are looking at this from a sober point of view. Normal relationship "stuff" doesn't apply.

It's also no surprise that he can potentially lose his Daughter and continues to drink (I hope he doesn't drink and drive with her, bad enough he has her in his custody and might be drinking). But if you think about that for a minute he will and does risk losing his Daughter from his life and that won't stop him drinking.

That's him. Men and women leave their jobs, their wives their husbands, their babies for their drug of choice, just like he is.