Soseking75

I found a Alanon meeting locally but what really happens at these meetings? I guess first I'd rather just listen rather than share. As soon as I start talking about my issues I break down.

Trailmix I'm scared that my dream of being in his life is now over. Yes we have reunited before but I fear it will never happen again. No one can know what the future holds and I guess that's what I fear most. The not knowing where my life is gonna go. I talked to him everyday until now. I so wanted a relationship and now it's gone. I'd settle now if he'd just communicate with me but he really has a hard time talking once he cuts one out. He shut me out the last time and never would respond if I called. It's like he was done and it's happening again. I know I put myself in this position but I guess I never thought I'd lose him. It was my reality to be with him forever. I wanted to be a family with him and instead I'm back to square one. Maybe one day it can happen but I'll never be content without him in my life.

I keep reading here at SR trying to find some way to cope. I know it's only been a few days and I can't expect miracles to heal myself so quick. I endured this same anguish last time for 6 months. It was so hard. I guess I just have to face that it's not gonna be easy but to wake up every single day now knowing I won't get my morning phone call nor my afternoon dinner date and it just burns like hell. I know no one can fix me but me. I'm just so tired of hurting. I don't want to lose my mind but I feel like my world is gone.

dandylion

Soseking…..I guess that you m ust be saying that we are judging you....I know it might sound like that...bot, I assure you that those of us, who have been in the fire, do understand how it feels. I have been there, and it was awful....
Everyone who is in that kind of relationship pain wants to pain to be gone, yesterday!
I remember, like you...feeling a secret annoyance at those who responded, to me, with logic and the reality facts....it felt like they were questioning the validity of my feelings and, somehow that they were diminishing my feelings....
After all...my love was TRUE and "he should have stayed with me!!"....
***I will say, looking back, that m y feelings were real...I just couldn't accept that he wouldn't want to stay***
What I didn't know, at the time, was that the grieving process was so unspeakably excruciating...and, that it would last so long....I did not know that I would go on to a greater, more fulfilling and lasting love....a love that was so much more suited to me...At that time, I couldn't fathom loving anyone as much as him....I thought that part of my life was over forever....How could I live, joyfully, if he was not in my life, every day...!??
I just did not understand that the heart is wired to bleed....and, to heal...and, to embrace new loves, new experiences, and new meanings (after the healing)…..
If the heart did not have that ability --thanks to Mother Nature--the human race could not have survived....

Now here is the shocker (to me)….There came a day when I wanted to thank him, for leaving me....and, I still thank him. He did for me, the best thing, and I could NOT have done it for myself, at the time....not without a lot of self-destructive behavior--so great was my pain.
He left the town that we live in (Wash., D.C.), and went to another city to begin a long plastic surgery residency. The move was necessary for his profession...so, he chose that time to say that he didn't want to invite me along....because he wanted children and I could not have more children (I had 3)….due to a previous ruptured ectopic pregnancy. In the beginning, he said that we could adopt if I couldn't get pregnant....but, in the end, he said that he wanted to have his own biologic children...and, that, if he couldn't...that he might grow to resent me. He never said that he didn't love me...just that he could not continue his life with me.....that he would need, eventually, to marry some other....
So...after almost a year of pain that was like tearing flesh from bone...I met the most wonderful man...who already had children....who brough great happiness to my life...we thrived together....
If that guy had not broken up with me...I would never have met my husband....and, would have been in for a great deal of pain....
I thank him, so much, for doing what I couldn't do for myself....He set me free to find a better path.....

When I was at your stage of things....I can remember praying, over and over, for the pain to go away....to stop caring/loving the first guy....I cried oceans of tears....and I wore out a tape of Purple Rain (by Prince)….
today, I thank that Universe that allowed me to survive crawling though those months of grieving, and allowed my husband into my life....and, that moved the first guy to leave me.....

Soseking….---I DO understand much more than you think I do....And, I am not judging you---quite the contrary---my heart goes out to you, in compassion, and I care about you......

Soseking75

Dandylion I really thank you for your posts! I really don't think people are judging me but might think I'm not doing myself justice by not giving up on him. Everyone has different situations. I'm so glad to hear you came out of it happy with a man who could bring you joy.


I guess I miss his daughter as well and that's stinging pretty bad. I know I miss her. She's the daughter I didn't ever get to have. She's seven and we love each other so so much. Thursday morning she told me she wished she had a bigger heart so she could love me even more! That right there def pulls at the heartstrings! Why he chose to end it that afternoon was just mind boggling. Like I said I was told by his coworker that he had told her months ago he was not wanting the same things as me and was not happy. But he contuined to see me anyway? I just can't wrap my mind around it. I knew he'd have a difficult time ending our relationship if he had to and I guess he put it off two months because he couldn't be man enough to do so. Instead he drank til he spiraled into a mess and then had to blow up my world in less than an hour.

Maybe god sees another path that I don't. I'm very stubborn and I go after what I want. That's how we ended up back together because I was never going to give up until I had no chance left. Maybe I do have another chance but Only time will tell. I am a very determined woman who just doesn't give up. It might hurt me in the long run and maybe that's why I'm hurting now but I prayed to god every single day for him to lead me where I needed to be and I ended up back in his arms so I figured that's where I was meant to be. Never happier in my life and if I could go back now I know I would to end this pain. That's why I figure people shake their heads in disbelief wondering why I'd return to him now but to go thru this hell is not what I want to face.

I

dandylion

Soseking…...I think the following song might validate the kinds of feelings that you are having.....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...A&pc=EUPP_UE04

AnvilheadII

but I prayed to god every single day for him to lead me where I needed to be and I ended up back in his arms so I figured that's where I was meant to be.

maybe where you needed to be was HERE now?

honeypig

Soseking, regarding Alanon, you will not have to say one single word at a meeting if you don't choose to. Again, your desire to not share b/c of the fear of breaking down in public is so common--I've seen it posted here so often.

The only requirement for being an Alanon member is that your life has been affected by someone else's drinking, and I think it's fair to say that yours has. Another thing often heard at Alanon meetings is "take what you like and leave the rest." You may hear things you don't understand or don't agree with, and that's just fine. The whole focus is on what you find helpful and what you can do, not what you don't or can't or won't.

Also bear in mind that:
A) It may take a little while to understand the ideas behind Alanon (12 Steps, etc.) so you may need to attend a few meetings to begin to "get it."
B) Each meeting will have a slightly different flavor, depending on the format and the particular members of that group, so if you don't feel at home, try another meeting.

And with that said, you may also step into the meeting and immediately feel that you're among others who truly understand what you've been through and where you are. That was my experience, and certainly the experience of many others here too.

For me, the face-to-face support of Alanon along with the wide variety of ideas found at SR were a powerful combo for my early recovery. I'd strongly urge you to go, at least to see if it's your cup of tea.

FallenAngelina

What can I expect at an AlAnon meeting?

Most newcomers to AlAnon just sit in the group and listen. There is no expectation that you share until the day that you decide that you are ready. Everyone in the meeting has been in your shoes and the atmosphere is generally welcoming.

dandylion

Soseking…..I am going to take this opportunity to take a bit of my own inventory...so, I hope that you can bear with me.
I think that I have violated one of the rules of "Helping Those in Grief 101"..
that rule is...Never try to take away the pain of those who are grieving. They will resent you for it. The grieving actually need their pain. After all, grieving is the first step of healing...without it...It must be expressed in order to pave the way for the healing that is to come.
Do not act on the impulse to say something to make them "feel better". It won't make them feel better--it will make them feel worse.
What is best, is to give only the simple comfort of open arms....and to allow the flow of genuine feelings. to offer a cup of tea, perhaps, and to hold their head or their hand...and to listen and bear witness to their pain. to listen...and...listen. There are few human words, that can match that level of pain, anyway.
This is easy enough to do, when one is in a face to face situation with one who is holding their heart in a paper bag...shattered beyond recognition....
But, I find that much more difficult, here on SR. After all, we older battle scared veterans are frequently ASKED for answers...sometimes, answers are demanded...lol. "Why did this happen?" "What is wrong with me?" ?Make it go away!".....
Thus...having only the typed word...and, not the full expression of human communication at our disposal....we jump right to giving information, and facts, "reality based" responses....and, use our experiences and logic as the our pain relieving salve....
OMG...I can see that I am as guilty as anyone else...lol...some would say that I am actually MORE guilty than most...…
The soul-searing pain is the greatest connection that the grieving have with the lost love object...whether it is a love partner or their lost child, or their lost beloved pet....The pain will not fade until the person is ready for it to...grief will have it's own time...no matter what we say, otherwise....
So...rule No. 1----Do not try to take away the pain.....

It took me a while to learn this. I began to notice that funeral directors were so very skilled in working with the grieving....I wondered how they were so able to do that....they see p a in and grief all day long. On closer scrutiny...I noticed that they never try to make their clients "feel better". They are helpful, yes...but, they never overtly try to say comforting homilies. They just accept their clients where they are...make no judgement...and, just try to offer practical help, where it is asked for.
As a result....most people are grateful to funeral directors and do not harbor secret resentments toward them....even though it was under really dark circumstances.....

sometimes, I feel in a conundrum....so metimes, I think that I would do better by the newbies if I just said to keep telling your pain.....just let it flow....and, I won't try to make you "feel better".....I will only bear witness.....

Sleepyhollo

Hi Soseking
Sorry about what brought you here but glad you found us. I don’t think any one is judging you or your feelings here. What I can say is that we have all been there and it is so clear cut to us now how dysfunctional we were in our relationship. I look back at my relationship with my ex and I cannot believe how « dumb » I was for not realizing what was going on and how dysfunctional our relationship was even though he was a « functional » alcoholic who is a professional and is very well respected in his field. It was only later that I understood that they really are not functional at all....they appear to be functional when it counts: at work and around others. Where they are not functional is at home with their closest relationships. I never saw that or understood that while I was in the midst of it and now it is so painfully obvious. It took me a long time to not feel « dumb » anymore, it wasn’t that I was dumb it was just that I knew very little about alcoholism (and I’m a medical provider) . I did not know any better because I was uneducated about addiction. Now it is hard to see people go through things in their relationship (doesn’t nevrn need to be with an addict) and I wanna just shake them and tell them to wake up and see the dysfunction. I still talk about it (not unsolicited, these are friends ) but I understand that it is hard for them to see the dysfunction because they want the relationship to work out and they put on blinders for the red flags. I have been there done that. It took me a lot of therapy to come to terms with a lot of it and understand it. We have all been there done that. So we are not judging you at all, we understand how you feel for the most part. We all wanted it to work and we all wanted to be there for our qualifier and help them overcome this. But if love would cure addiction none of us would be here and all our qualifiers would be sober and we’d all be living happily ever after.
Your heart just got broken, and whether there is addiction or not it hurts especially if you’re not the one putting an end to the relationship. My therapist always told me to sit with my feelings and acknowledge and feel them. Because they are your feelings and there is no right or wrong in how you feel. You’re only a few days in so cut yourself some slack.
And you probably wont get the answers you are looking for but even if you guys did talk you probably still wouldn’t get the real answer. Addicts are masters at lies. He didn’t increase his drinking because he didn’t want to be with you anymore. He increased his drinking because that’s the natural progression of the disease and he is just using you as an excuse. And you were starting to interfere with his drinking, fussing over it as you put it. My XRAH quit many times over the years (and was a dry drunk since he was just white knuckling it and so he was still the same grumpy depressed and stressed person but now without hit coping mechanism) and after a few weeks or months he would start drinking again and before too long it would escalate (if the start drinking after stopping for however long it is like they never stopped, they pick up where they left off...). I finally gave him an ultimatum when I hit my rock bottom. It worked but only because HE was ready this time and just needed that kick in his butt from me. Had I done it 2 years earlier he admitted it would not have worked.
As far as you being jealous of the person that will get him when he is sober.....chances are he is a far cry from becoming sober. If he decided to get sober today and really work on a true recovery it would take at least a good year before you would see the new sober him. And I can almost guarantee that it will be a much different person than the non sober him. He would have to be or else he likely would not stay sober. You may not even like the person he would become. My ex is sober but too much had happened over the years and even thought he is a good person overall he was no longer my person,
It is best to work through your grief and over time you will heal. Think about going to alanon but I will say for me what I really needed was individual counseling (and a lot of it). I also would highly recommend that you read codependent no more, it was an eye opener for me. I’m a pretty strong independent woman for the most part but had this nasty codependent issue . I never knew what it was until I read that book (nor had I ever heard of it) but I really could relate to a lot of what was addressed in that book.
If you can find it also watch the documentary pleasure unwoven, it explains addiction really well.
Learn all you can about alcoholism, slowly you will probably start to understand the relationship you had in which both of you were dysfunctional (because most of us partners are also dysfunctional in the relationship we just don’t use a substance, like someone else said the A is our addiction) and hopefully that will help you heal. Keep coming here, you will see a lot of similar stories here.
I know you are hurting but over time I think you will also see and understand that really he ended up doing you a favor. I know you won’t see it now and that’s understandable, no one faults you for how you are feeling right now. It is normal. But please take care of yourself and seek some sort of help, whether it is alanon counseling coming here etc. You can talk to friends but as I have learned unless you have dealt with addiction it is really hard for them to understand what you are going through. That is what alanon could be really good because even if you don’t say much in the meeting (which is scary at first, believe me I know the feeling ) you could maybe connect with someone after.
Good luck, hang in there, go do something nice for yourself, take a nice hot bath, go get a massage. Go big watch netflix ;-) don’t let his breaking up with you make you believe there is something wrong with you and that’s why he broke up. Because I can almost be 100% certainthat it has very little to do with the person you are and everything with the fact that you were just getting in the way of his drinking.

LifeChangeNYC

So deeply sorry you’re in so much pain.

Reading your story, your words, your sadness, your unconditional love for him... brought up many feelings for me.

The heartbreak & pain is intensely real.

I honestly haven’t allowed myself to grieve my ex gf enough... I’m still nervous I’ll have a complete breakdown right on some street corner. I’m also scared... to grieve & then miss her even more... as I battle with NC.

I do understand. Idealistic hope is definitely a strong force... today, I came upon an inspiring article about a successful, recovering drug addict who found sobriety in jail... now happily married, a triathlon, & author. I instantly thought of my ex & all those feelings of hope rolled right back in. And I became sad (just like you described) that someone else may see & love her in a sober life.

I agree & think you do need time to grieve... continue to express all those complex feelings & emotions.

Sending much love & support your way. Getting through the pain of ending a relationship w/ an addict/alcoholic partner is excruciating. Closure sometimes, never exists.... except the peace within ourselves (that comes in time, to some degree).

Soseking75

Thank you Sleepyhollo! Helped to hear your words! I have searched for a therapist and found an AlAnon meeting to go to. I wish honestly that I had found this site while we were still together. It would've made me understand him and his alcoholism did why he has done what he has done.

I have sit here all weekend wondering just how many days he has been sober to see the real sober him. I don't know. I know after his first rehab stint he went I know for 12 -15 days I believe but now I think back and wonder did he start back before even that. He wasn't the master of disguise but I stopped looking for evidence awhile back. He would get mad that I found it but yet he hid it in the same place. I think he didn't care that it was there. I honestly didn't realize he was that bad. But after joining this site realize maybe he was worse off then I really knew.

I know he may never want me back in his life but I'd give anything to go back now and sit down with him and talk. This site opened my eyes to so much! I know nothing I could say to him would make him quit. I was by his side in the ER the whole day when he first admitted he needed help. He knew I cared and would never flee. He said I deserved better and I would always tell him you can be that better man if you choose to.

I wish that scare had lasted longer for him but I know with most addicts they return thinking one drink won't hurt. I heard that alot from him. Probably why he started to turn on me when he took me out dinner and told me he was gonna order one drink after he had just dried out one of his many times at home. I told him I would leave so he didn't order that drink but I guarantee the next day he went and bought a bottle. I just got tired of looking . I'm sure it made him mad and that's why I feel betrayed because he has left me and all I was trying to do was what was best for him. Sucks to think I could love a man that much just to be rejected and now ignored completely. It hurts and I wish he'd see just how much I loved him. One day maybe I might meet the sober him. He told me before he dumped me that he might not be the same person and I said I wasn't afraid and would be eager to get to know the real man he really is. The fear I know. But I would've stood by him regardless. My heart is in pieces that he still owns.

trailmix

These two things you have said here really stood out.

First of all you say " I was trying to do was what was best for him". He wants to drink. So to him that is not what's best for him, so who does he listen to, himself or you? Well really, he listens to the alcohol.

The second thing, this is what he does, this is what he did before as well, this is who he is. It's part of his personality apparently. That has nothing to do with you personally by the way, that's just him.

He is imperfect. Ideally, two adults can sit down and talk things out, have questions answered (if they like) and part ways amicably. You are apparently one of those people, he is definitely not.

Right or wrong, it is who he is.

I agree with dandylion that the pain is real and it takes time. You have to go through it, you have done it before and you will do it again, but yes, it hurts.

While possibly nothing anyone says might make you feel "better" right now, just know there are better days ahead.

FionnaPerSe

Soseking75

Yes I need to allow him to go on his own journey and pray he gets healthy. It's hard to let go but I have no other choice. Maybe one day he might come back, maybe not. The reality is my heart hasn't had to be apart from him for so long that it doesn't know how to act. I'm trying to respect his wishes but I know most people don't deal with rejection any easier than I am. He might not understand how I'm taking his actions. Maybe he doesn't even care.

I will try to let go and figure out how not to be lost in this world I feel is nothing but sadness. I know things will get better but it's just hard here and now . Life shouldn't hurt this much. Love shouldn't hurt this much. Missing him is just very difficult and there is nothing that can fix it . I could pour my heart out all day and never get the peace I seek. I pray to god for comfort. I'm just in so much pain I just want to be rescued. Nowhere to go but up since I'm are rock bottom.

Sleepyhollo

[QUOTE=Soseking75;7192487

I have sit here all weekend wondering just how many days he has been sober to see the real sober him.
He said that he might not be the same person and I said I wasn't afraid and would be eager to get to know the real man he really is. The fear I know. But I would've stood by him regardless. My heart is in pieces that he still owns.[/QUOTE]

You won’t see who he is sober after 15 days or even 2 months or 6 months....recovery is hard and if he were to take it seriously it requires a pretty significant change in behavior to get rid of all the bad coping skills from before. And it takes time, a lot of time to change behaviors. He needs to change...a lot in order to be successful at recovery and it is a lifelong commitment. There is always the chance for relapse, even years down the road. And like I mentioned before you BOTH have to change. I knew I had to change in order to not fall back into the whole codependency thing whether it was with my now ex or any future relationships. We are (for the most part) rescuers/pleasers and attract that type of relationship. Again, something that I didn’t understand until after he went to rehab. You are not responsible for anyone’s happiness and vice versa. Again, that was a real eye opener for me but it is very true. He is gonna do what he is gonna do. You can do everything in your power to make him feel loved, « help and support » him (which often is really enabling him, again speaking from experience) but as long as he is drinking it won’t matter, and if he were to quit he still needs to find happiness on his own as do you. That first year of true recovery (that is seeking treatment and not just whiteknuckling it) they really need to focus on themselves. My ex actually mentioned once that they fact that I was so distant and detached and did not want to be around him really did help him focus on his recovery more and so I actually did him a favor by not being there every step of the way (or any step of the way really...)
It is so so hard to understand and accept that there is nothing anyone can do to help them in their recovery. It is really 100% their responsibility. We all want to help them be successful but nothing we do or don’t do has anything to do with their success or failure. If you say something that makes someone mad and they start drinking that is not your responsibility. It is their choice to cope with what you said by drinking. Most of us don’t turn to drugs or alcohol when we are upset. How someone reacts to what you say or do is not you responsibility (and again, vice versa, I also had to learn how to deal with my own reactions to things/people)l seriously, I wish they taught this stuff in school.
You can’t make someone like you and it it is understandable that you feel rejected but like many of us have said, it has very little (if anything) to do with you as a person and everything with alcohol being his number one and you or anyone that interferes with his ability to drink will be let go. His drinking is your problem and not his, at least that is how sees it. He wants to drink so he does not se it as a problem. Once he does see it as a problem that is when he will be ready to seek recovery. But no one will be able to make him get to that point. People end up at deaths door (not just with addiction but also with heart attack stroke diabetes etc) and it still is not enough for some to change their ways and it is so incomprehensible for peopel around them. Control is hard to let to go of. Not sure if anyone had mentioned it in this thread but the 3 Cs ....you didn’t cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. And the control thing goes for everything in life. You cannot control how anyone react to something you say or do and no one can control your feeling or your reactions. I wish I had learned this a long time and some people will never learn this. Take care of you and let him do his thing. If he gets sober and decides he wants to see you again then he will come find you, and if he doesn’t then he won’t. It doesn’t matter how much you love him. So best to take time to grieve and slowly move on. Things will get better even if it seems hard to believe right now.

Soseking75

Thank you sleepyhollo!!!! Your words helped to calm me as all others have too,, Maybe what I struggle with is that his friends still get to communicate with him and I'm out here in left field alienated. I know that sounds dumb and jealous like. I know I'm labeled in a different category and not just a friend so to speak so that privilege is not there. I guess I don't feel important and that's what hurts. I know its not my business now to know how he is doing. He was to go get help this past Thursday after he broke it off with me but I don't know. The not knowing can drive a person nuts. Yes I need to stop. Just hard to let go. control..... I don't have it and need to realize it. I gotta let god take control now.. I gotta let him do his thing. To walk away is as hard as to try not to care but I know I'm not needed right now.

trailmix

So he was supposed to be entering some kind of recovery center or something last Thursday? Instead he broke up with you and got drunk?

Soseking75

Trailmix.. he had been drinking all week up to Thursday. I know this because I was with him all week up til Wednesday night when I left his house. He drank Monday Tuesday and we talked about it . Went to dinner Tuesday night after he handed me the bottle to take it away. He had never just willingly handed me any bottle of alcohol. He said he had to stop. Wednesday he called me at lunch. Seemed fine. Then later called me to come see him at home. When I got there he'd been drinking. First thing I said was you went and bought another bottle after you just handed me the one the night before? And no it wasn't empty. He had that look like yes he knew I was disappointed. Said he needed me. ( not sexually) just wanted me there. So of course I stayed. Left late after he went to sleep. He called me Thursday morning and of course sounded fine. I'm sure he wasn't but he's good at acting as I now know after reading so many posts from others. He told me good morning and to have a good day and that he loved me. Said he would call later in the day at work. The call I got at noon from him at work was where he said he had to go get help. He was scared and then led into the fact he couldn't be in a relationship with me . Of course I tried to get him to not do it. He then said if I wanted to see him I'd better do so now as he was not sure when he'd go to rehab. I went to him. Tried to listen to him. he asked me what I thought he should do. I told him he needed to seek help immediately. Tried to discuss us but then his boss walked in and I had to leave. Yes they know of his issue as he went to him and told him he needed help. I had a short convo with him Thursday night as he was trying to tell me he couldn't do the relationship thing. He avoids this stuff as I'm sure it hurt him too but I just told him to be honest. He ended up saying he'd have to call me back and I haven't heard from him since. So I don't know if he sought help or just ended up going home . I left a voicemail and a text. Now I think he's blocked me so.... I'm just torn to pieces cause he's just completely broke my heart by cutting me off completely.

Soseking75

And I won't go to his house to see nor call his parents as we are close but I'm just not going to. If they wanted me to know anything they would tell me . He has great parents. They sat with me many times to help him detox. He was convincing to us he could do it on his own. He did it numerous times... and kept falling off the wagon. And that led up to now this. His mom has text me to see how I'm doing. She knows he let me go. She cares for me but I haven't heard anything since. I figure he has told his mom to not divulge any info. First time he broke up with me it was the same thing. Just blatantly cut me off. No discussion . Just said couldn't have relationship. His mom text to make sure I was ok and that was it. Abandoned by the whole family at this point!

Soseking75

I sit here feeling sorry for myself and yes I know I'm allowed. my daily routine is no longer the norm I had. No morning call from him, no texts during the day, no seeing him after work. I guess I feel like it's only my daily routine that has been turn to shreds. It only just occurred to me his daily routine is now no longer the same either. I'm not saying he misses me or misses calling or hearing my voice but without me his life is different. I know it's just not me in this equation . His life will change too.. hopefully because he sought help. That's the best i can hope for. Maybe he one day will miss what else he had besides the alcohol and maybe not. He seems confident of his decision as he so said to a coworker so maybe he's completely done with me... but he wasn't sober and he hasn't been for who knows how long. Maybe later in in life he might discover I was the good in his life. Maybe not. I know I was. I can hold my head high knowing I never once would ever hurt him like he has me. He knows it. Prob hurts. Prob why he just cold cocked me and shut me out. Truth hurts.