Soseking75

I have been dating someone for over 6 months and before that 4 months before a few years ago. He just broke up with me and I'm lost. He has been drinking on and off for as long as we first dated but I didn't know then he had such a problem until this last six month dating time. We met and I fell immediately. Went great fir months and then bam he cut me off. Found out he was having a drinking problem and I even told him we'd address it together and help and wasn't scared. I loved him so much I couldn't fathom leaving. He seemed fine but still broke up with me. Now year and half later we reconnect as I never get over him before. He never talked to me in between and no real reason but other than he didn't want a relationship. So I fell hard easily again . Never really fell out of love. We got close and for the first time he told me he loved me. Then not long after he said he wanted to marry me. I was ecstatic. We've been doing so well but I noticed his drinking hasn't stopped. Was worse than I thought. I thought it was just now and then but I found empty bottles all the time. Like he didn't care to hide them very well. He was never abusive , never hurt me physically and never yelled. Just a functioning alcoholic. He knew he needed to quit so he would dry up and be great but then would go buy another bottle. I'd fuss some but didn't yell. Just confronted him to beg him to stop. I knew this would kill him so begging was al l I knew. I told him to get help. Months later he went thru many phases of drying out but would just return to the bottle. Thru this time I stayed by him supporting him and he pleaded he wanted to do right. I kept finding bottles . A few months ago I finally just said one last time he was gonna ruin our relationship if he couldn't stop. I tried to Spend as much time with him as I could hoping it would deter him from drinking. I thought we were still good and he finally made the decision to go to seek help. He did and I think he lasted 15 days before he drank again. Still I fussed but knew yelling and fussing wouldn't make him stop. I love this man so much I could never leave him. After our first breakup I didn't handle it well. I never could get over him. He's my person. I felt god put us together and was convinced once we reunited. Felt like it was meant to be. So now That he started drinking again after a fifteen day sober spell I was disappointed to say the least but told him I'd do whatever it took to help him. He broke up with me two days ago after I kept asking if he was ok cause he started being distant two months ago. I know now it was probably all from me fussing at him for drinking but I'm so hurt cAuse he will not talk to me. He will not give me a reason nor after I've asked for closure. All these things keep rolling in my head and its killing me cause he told a coworker he was not happy with me for months before but yet he kept our relationship going and told me he loved me every single day. The day he broke up with me he called me that morning acting just fine telling me he loved me . I had no clue he was unhappy with me but this coworker told me he no longer wanted the same things and said i smothered him. I had no clue? We spent these last two months fine as far as I could see never arguing at all and enjoying our lives together even though he was still drinking some. How was I to know he wasn't happy when he acted around me like nothing was wrong with us?? I'm crushed and I don't know how to cope with this when he won't talk. He knows he has to get help and I pray he does but to just cut me out of his life when I've been the one who stood by him and helped him when he cried out? I'm in total shock. I've lost the love of my life. Not to mention his daughter that I love as my own. I can only pray he gets help and recovers but I wonder will he ever talk to me again. I wouldn't marry him until I knew he was clean and on the right track but now I don't even get that option. What do I do? What can I say to him to get him to talk to me? I won't beg to be back in a relationship but I just don't want to to be out of his life completely. People say time will heal but I never got over him before and I knew me. I won't this time either. He is my person. I truly believe it.

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Soseking. I'm both sorry for what brings you here and glad you found us.

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict is like nothing else. It makes anyone crazy and is super painful. You must be reeling from the tidal change from getting married to him changing to not speaking.

The best thing you can do for yourself is educate yourself about alcoholism. The stickies at the top of this forum are a good place to start. They are a jumble of the best of what has been posted here along with lots of resources.

Your boyfriend probably loved you however you got in the way of his drinking so he needed to end the relationship. This is very common behavior for alcoholics. There is nothing that will stop his drinking except him being ready to stop. Understanding this is not intuitive and most of us struggled with these concepts when we first realized out qualifier (qualifier = person with addiction with whom we had a relationship) had a drinking problem.

Courage and healing to you. What you are going through is beyond excruciating.

Soseking75

I guess I question that he told his coworker part of the reason he drank recently was because he no longer wanted me but couldn't tell me. He has always has issues when it comes to trying to tell someone it's over. He tried to avoid me the first time he broke up with me. I just hurt kniwu g he was drinking cause he couldn't face me to tell the truth that he wasn't happy being in a relationship with me. He said to me he needed to go away for 30 days to rehab and I wouldn't be able to talk to him at all. I said ok but I'll wait as long as it takes. He then proceeded to tell me he just couldn't do it and be in a relationship. I told him making a hasty decision while he clearly had been drinking was not the time to make a decision. His coworker told me he had said that he didn't want me and was sure of his decision that afternoon. I feel rejected and have no idea what I did to make him not want me but looking back I see the change two months ago in his actions. He was drinking then too so I have no idea why. I know no one but him can answer that and I just feel like a fool for believing he loved me as he told me every single day up to the day he broke it off. That very morning he called me and told me he loved me and let me talk to his daughter so we could exchange I love you's as well. That's why my mind is blown. Morning he's acting fine and then by noon he's like we can't be in a relationship. I could tell he was having a hard time as he was trying to tell me in so many words that it's over. I honestly know he didn't have the balls to face me so he drank instead. I'm punishing myself and I know I shouldn't but I love him dearly and to think he doesn't want me is the worst pain I've ever dealt with in my life!!!!!

dandylion

Soseking…...I know how hard it is to go through a breakup....but, I want to tell you that I hope you are not blaming yourself---thinking that it is because you are inadequate in some way...or, "not good enough".....
He has been drinking since you have known him...and, he admits that he is an alcoholic....
Alcoholics who are actively drinking are notoriously bad at relationships...and, they use alcohol to help manage their feelings...all feelings...good or bad....
Often, they don't understand themselves or their own feelings...because alcoholics "lie" to themselves and are in denial...in order to "make sense to themselves about their own drinking".....
They don't even know themselves.....and, if they have been drinking a lot for a long time...they may be emotionally arrested at the age that they began drinking....If they began drinking at age 15, for example...they may have the emotional maturity of a 15yr. old...…
They may not be able to handle a relationship....even to the people that they are attracted to.....The responsibilities of a relationship may be too much for them...and, the demands of a relationship may scare them "to death".....

I hope that you have a good self esteem...so that you won't blame yourself for not being good enough....It is probably nothing to do with you...and, certainly not about your value....it is about him...his alcoholism and his inability to handle the emotions of a relationship in a mature way....

Soseking75

Thank you dandylion for your words . I guess just losing him twice now makes me feel Like I'm not good enough for him. I know I shouldn't think that but to be rejected twice? It's difficult to think he could love me and fall out so quickly. I guess if he would talk to me and tell my exactly why he feels that he doesn't want me would help but I'm getting the silent treatment like he always does. I text him and told him ending a relationship is tough for both parties involved but the manly thing to do would be to explain even if it hurts. I told him I couldn't fathom life without him and he knows that. I'm sure it's not what he wants to hear but I'm truthful. I'm sure he hurts too but to lose him twice is killing me . If he would just talk!!! I deserve that! Guess he isn't manly enough to do so even if I still love the wuss.

Bekindalways

Soseking, I hope you have a bit of a support system. You will need it. If you can at all get to an Alanon meeting. These aren't for everyone but some folks here swear by them. You might try a few different ones.

His way of walking away probably has less to do with being manly or a wuss and is just the alcoholism

My qualifier would swear up and down that I was the most important thing in his life. He would promise something and then never show up. Sometimes he would promise to contact me and then I would never hear from him. There was no talking and no explaining for me ever either. Ugh it did hurt hurt hurt!!!

Do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, get exercise, spend time with good people. None of this will cure the pain nor shorten the grieving but it will help a bit.

Big hug.

trailmix

Soseking, welcome, so sorry you are in so much pain.

You are in shock and hurt so I know that a lot of what has been shared so far is hard to absorb.

Please, read the posts that have already been made again (and for a while), as the fog begins to lift and you can see things more clearly more of what dandlylion and Bekindalways have said will sink in.

With an alcoholic, remember he is not drinking at you, he is just drinking. The drug of choice, in this instance alcohol is the number one thing in his life. He may well love you, did he say he didn't? No. But he wants to drink. He can't do that with you in his life, well he can but he has to listen to your judgement of him. No addict wants someone judging them.

Does that mean if you wanted to be with him you need to ignore the drinking, well yes in fact it does. You have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't. Once you tell him you have a problem with it that's it, he either seeks help or he doesn't but you can't change him, he has to want to change. The only decision is whether that is a boundary in your life, that you don't want to be in a relationship with a drinker.

What can he say to you that would possibly make sense? I want to drink so I can't be around you because you don't like it? There are many addicts that are not particularly proud of their addiction, saying something like that - even admitting it might be impossible.

Now I don't know him, but you do. Is he normally really reliable? Shows up when he is supposed to, calls when he says he will, makes a plan to go somewhere with you and does it? I'm going to guess probably not. Is he emotionally available, did you communicate well and openly normally?

Alcoholism is running his life right now, if you are with him it's running yours too.

He may eventually seek help, when he says he would like to stop drinking that may well be true, he is just, apparently, not ready to do that right now.

The pain will lessen with time, but that time is painful for sure. Take time to grieve but remember you have other good things in your life and you will be ok.

velma929

" He will not give me a reason nor after I've asked for closure."

Here's the reason: he wants to keep drinking without someone asking him to stop.

Your assumption is that asking him nicely, standing by him, encouraging him, distracting him, will motivate him to quit. It won't, that has to come from within him.

It may not even be that he doesn't love you; he just loves booze more. You drew a line in the sand: you wouldn't marry him unless he quit. You have to realize there are thousands of women out there who WILL marry him even if he drinks himself into a stupor several nights a week. (I was one of them!)

I don't believe in fate or soul mates. I believe that we have stewardship over our lives. When our great- great - grandmas said, "It's as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one," it sounded conniving and calculating. In fact, there is a grain of truth to the concept: we "fall in love" with someone we spend a lot of time with. We can choose healthy, mindful companions, (for friends or lovers) or we can choose those who take the path of least resistance.

HardLessons

Addiction is extremely destructive both to our addicts & anyone in close proximity. Their true love isn't us - its their drug (s) of choice. As much as we don't want to hear or understand this notion - Its just the way it is & is the same for all of us.

Things with our addicts can be ok at times (although we are always on edge) & then with the snap of fingers all hell breaks loose. Things go from ok to pure hell quickly. Its a common theme.

Over many years I did a lot for my addict. She also had a young daughter. I loved them both deeply. I would do anything for them. Nothing I did worked. Nothing I did helped or made her life better. Yes things I did temporarily helped but nothing longer term.

My addict didn't have a problem with her life - I had the problem. She didn't want to change her life. I wanted her to change. Just as you have a problem & he doesn't.

In the end I had no other choice but to save myself & leave the relationship. It was extremely difficult to do. I had no other choice - None.

Please educate your self concerning addiction. That way you can at least make educated & informed choices concerning your life. Part of what you will learn is that there are no answers coming from our addicts. They are simply addicts doing what addicts do.

I am sorry for your situation, please take care of yourself.

Soseking75

To everyone who has commented I appreciate it! It has helped to read your words. As much as I hurt I still question so much and I know he won't give me the answers I am needing. He has admitted once again he needs help so I'm assuming he will although I might never know. It just hurts cause I stood by him and now he wants to get help and be rid of me. Is it fair? No. Is it right? Maybe for him it's best. My mind is thinking he just no longer wants me cause he has other people he would rather pursue. The drinking and getting help I think is his excuse to be rid of me. Even if that is true I know it's not fair for me to long for a man who doesn't want me. I have a very hard time with rejection I guess as anyone does. I feel duped in ways. It's just tough cause he's dumped he before and left me with questions so I should've known he'd do it again.

My mind won't stop. I have no energy and I'm lost. I don't want to be around anyone right now. I stare into space and I cry. That's why I can't go out. I'd lose it in an instant second if I did. I lost him before and never got over him. 6 months later we reconnected cause I wasn't happy being without him. I STILL feel that way even though he's avoiding me. it's easy for everyone else on the outside to say it will take time and things will get better. I didn't heal before until we were reunited. I know I might not ever reunite with him again and that's what is killing me. Yes he needs to recover and get sober but to think someone else will get the chance to be with him sober and happy is what will destroy me. I know that's his decision. It all comes down to me being rejected and it's taking me down.

FallenAngelina

This kind of thinking is completely within your power to improve. You cannot change him but you can change how you think about all of this. You can change that part a lot.

Have you looked for AlAnon meetings in your area? AlAnon is for anyone and everyone who knows someone who has a drinking problem. Just going and listening can bring great relief. People come to AlAnon when they are at their wit's end, so you're in the perfect place to begin. The people at most meetings are super welcoming because we all have been where you are right now and we all know what an enormous difference AlAnon can make.

dandylion

Soseking…..I would like to, gently, correct one notion that you expressed....
No--It is not "easy" for me to say that "it will take time, and things will get better".....Why isn't it easy for me? Because I have been "rejected", before...after almost 4yrs. in a relationship...and we were going to get married.
To say that I was crushed is an understatement. I felt like my heart had been slammed to the bottom of the ocean floor. I was such a hot mess!
I cried so much that the water table, on the East Coast, dropped....
I was still a mess at 6,onths! It took me almost a year to see the sun come out, again....and, go a whole day without thinking about him....
It is not easy for me to say these things because I know...know...that, no matter what someone says to someone who is grieving a lost love relationship....it does not make them feel any better.....The thing that a person, in your stage of grieving wants, is for the pain to go away...like, yesterday!
All of us, here o n this forum have been through unimaginable pain due to our alcoholics that brought us to this place....so, we are not just comfortable, happy outsiders....we are battle-scared soldiers who are willing to walk with you through this dark time. We DO know how bad the pain can be.....

Having said that....it will get better...eventually...but, for right now...it is o.k. to cry....that is one of the reasons that Mother Nature gave us the tear apparatus....for times like this. I believe n the healing nature of tears...it expresses what there are not enough words to express...and, it helps to wash the negative energy--the pain, away....

honeypig

One of the things often said here is that we, the partners/spouses of the alcoholics, are just as addicted to the A as the A is to alcohol. I'd like to suggest that you didn't in fact "heal" when you were reunited; you simply had access to your "drug of choice" once again. I know that sounds harsh, but please consider that possibility. Healing does not come from outside or from another person or substance, it comes from inner growth, in my experience.

I have seen many, many members here post exactly that. And do you know how many of them have seen that scenario play out? I'd have to say NONE, at least that I know of. Many, however, have seen the A and his new GF/wife go down exactly the same road as the member traveled with the A. It's certainly possible that the A will see the light and start the hard, hard work of recovery in the new relationship, but it's very unlikely that simply leaving one person and starting a relationship with another is going to be sufficient to accomplish all that is needed for the A's real recovery.

I know you're new here, and I think you'd benefit greatly from reading around the forum. I think you'll start to realize that your situation is very similar to so many others here. In my experience, those who get the most out of SR are those who are most active, reading and posting to other people's threads and becoming part of the community.

Welcome to SR.

FionnaPerSe

My X said he doesn't want to be dishonest with me, so he was that blunt actually. Which I respect in a way, as he at least didn't want to sugarcoat it.

So he basically said that he will 'remain who he is' (meaning, he identifies with his drinking) and has decided to drink and not to remain in the relationship. Which was such a shock to me after few years together, as I thought that somehow our love will prevail (especially as we too have been talking about marriage etc.)... But I am finding out its such a mind boggling condition- as alcohol persuades him how he should continue along that path)...

And I dont know, I am still optimistic myself that he WILL one day (sooner than later) 'see the light' and make another 'choice', but so far it didn't happen. And we too are in NC at the moment.

All in all, until he sees through this 'brain fog' unfortunately we cant help in any other way than to stay away.

Sorry you're going through this btw, I know how it feels, but I have found my peace in thinking how LOVE I gave wasnt given in vain and it will always be a fact and something tangible (and believe me, he wont forget it).

And we give love not to get it back, but hopefully to GIVE IT unconditionally. And im not talking about being codependent now, on the contrary. And you know what YOU have invested. And you know that there is LOT MORE where that come from.

So, pray for his healing and keep sending him love. And leave what happens next to God as we all have our own path and if we are truly loving, we will respect it in other.

All the best!

NYCDoglvr

I can relate. Getting to the acceptance that a relationship is over was two steps forward, one step back. I prayed for the ability to accept and that helped a great deal. Have you considered Alanon? It was a life saver for me. Big hug.

trailmix

Soseking, the reason I asked you if he was reliable, easy to communicate with, attentive, thoughtful, mindful of your feelings etc etc - is because it's very important to look at the relationship as it was, not how you wish it would have been or how you imagined it might be.

His potential as a sober guy is something you don't really know about. Have you ever really known him during a time when he hasn't been drinking for a year or two and sought recovery? If not, you don't even know the "sober" him, people who are active alcoholics are not really sober even when not drinking for a few days.

Please do read about alcoholism, knowledge about it will help to ease your thoughts a bit.

There are many alcoholics who would "like" to quit. Doesn't mean he will, doesn't mean he will get treatment, some never do. He will ultimately decide if and when he is ready. He says this to you of course because he thinks that is what you expect from him.

Perhaps what you see as a future with him is more about "potential" than what it really is? If your thoughts about the relationship run something like this:

IF he stopped drinking and
IF he got in to rehab then some kind of sober living
IF he had support, therapy or AA
IF he was more reliable
IF we could be happier because he was more stable
IF I could really talk to him
IF he was more open with me and really communicated

etc etc etc

Also, functioning alcoholism is not a type of alcoholism, it is a phase - they are functioning until they aren't.

trailmix

One other thing that may help, you might want to get the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

It contains a lot of relationship advice and just good advice in general and is often recommended here.

Please know I'm not saying you are or aren't codependant, I don't know this : ) - just a recommendation.

Soseking75

I guess what I meant by saying I wasn't healed until we reunited was that I wasn't at peace til then. My heart was at ease and no longer hurting. I was with the person I wanted. I guess my addiction was him. I saw it as I loved him and that's the person I wanted to be with. I didn't like he had issues with alcohol but I just couldn't bear to leave him for it. In my mind I thought I was better off miserable with him rather than miserable without him. I wasn't really miserable but just concerned. I dealt with it cause I was adamant that he was it . I was happy with him. I just frown now thinking he wasn't exactly happy with me and I didn't know it til a few days ago when he cut me loose.

I guess my fear is being alone and he fills that void. But I don't long for anyone else. We didn't fight. We had a great relationship but I worried about the drinking and it soon made me confront him as to why he kept on. He wouldn't say and I still don't know why to this day. I guess when I love a person I just can't walk away. Frustrated yes ! Cause I couldn't "fix" him. I knew I couldn't. I was just praying he'd seek help. He quit on his on so many times, but failed.

Now that he's seeking help I'm just hurt cause I have no idea how he is. He is no longer my boyfriend so I guess it's no longer my business but I can't stop that I care so much that I wanna know. I just can't stop missing him. Maybe he's not worth it but how does one judge that? I just can't let him go in my heart! I read others who say the same thing and it's a definite struggle. How do you just stop thinking and caring for a man who I planned to spend the rest of my life with?

Maybe him breaking up with me was gods divine intervention to make me get out but I truly didn't want out. I feel like people judge me cause I just don't want to let go.

trailmix

Well I for one an not judging you at all, nor are others in this thread - so that's good! When a relationship ends, whether that is with an SO or family member or friend, that doesn't usually mean all the ends are tied up neatly and you walk away feeling good.

I know you are terribly heartbroken, it hurts! It can be a very dark place.

My point really is, not what you should or shouldn't do but just to perhaps allow the idea of thinking more realistically. You can/could see how damaging the alcohol is for him, for you for your relationship, it's something you could not just - "be" with, so you confronted him and talked to him.

It is not what he wants, he wants to drink.

What makes you think he is now going to quit and get in to recovery? Do you know that recovery is something that can take years and many stops and starts. A person has to be incredibly committed to make that change. Quitting the actual drinking, as horrible as withdrawals can be, is generally the easy part. People drink for a number of reasons but generally to block something out - some type of mental illness, depression, anxiety, trauma, not wanting to deal with emotion. All or some of those must be dealt with as well.

It is also not something you can really "help" with. He needs professional help.

All this to say, I don't think you should or need to let go of whatever your dream was and I would not say that to you. Just asking if that is or was ever realistic and is it good for you?

What about you and what you want?

honeypig

I don't think any of us WANTED to let go, Soseking. We eventually understood that there was a choice that needed to be made, and we understood what that choice was. I don't think anyone expects you to be at that level of understanding after a handful of posts on a recovery forum. It takes time, learning, and the perspective that comes with sufficient amounts of both. You've gotten a lot of good input here, but you're not going to be able to make all these changes in a day--just take it one step at a time.

Stop. Breathe. Keep reading here at SR and check out an Alanon meeting as soon as you can. You are not alone and you don't have to do this alone.