My boyfriend broke up with me and is an alcoholic
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If you don’t come from a small community you don’t understand how a meeting of locals could be difficult. HArd to explain.
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Originally Posted by Soseking75 
If anyone here has ever been to rehab for alcohol addiction would you share your experience? What happens daily ? I’m aware people have sessions and talk with others who are getting help as well. What do you do in your own personal time? Do they want you to sit by yourself at times to think? I guess I’m just asking to understand what he might be doing while he is there to get help. He’s on my mind constantly. I am trying to stay busy but regardless I could be busy 24/7 and he’d still be there. My comfort is he is somewhere that he can’t be drinking.
I hesitated to say this, because I have the feeling your hopes have all been raised again, but rehab doesn’t guarantee anything will change.
Maybe he will be the exception, but in the meanwhile it’s really important for you to focus on YOU and your life as if he’s not going to be part of it.
Take care of you, yes?
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My comfort is he is somewhere that he can’t be drinking.
So, so wrong. Completely and totally wrong. Recovery can't start until the alcohol is removed from the picture, but that is ALL that it is, a bare-bones start. You may only be seeing the behaviors that upset you when he's been consuming alcohol, but I think if you ask any of the recovering alcoholics on this board, they'll tell you that the messed-up thought processes and downright insanity are there regardless of how recently they'd been drinking. Until the A begins to work on all of that, the mental and emotional and spiritual side of things, there will be no lasting and real recovery.
In recovery, everything changes--it's a whole new life. Again, read around in the alcoholics' side of the forum if you want to see what it takes, how profound those changes need to be, and how much hard work it takes to make it happen.
I don't think this has really sunk in for you yet. It was a big change for me when I finally understood and believed it.
I know you've been quoted "The 3 C's of Alanon" here. Have you heard "The 5 G's" yet?
Get off his back
Get out of his way
Get onto yourself
Get to meetings
Give him to God (or whatever higher power you recognize)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by Soseking75
If anyone here has ever been to rehab for alcohol addiction would you share your experience? What happens daily ? I’m aware people have sessions and talk with others who are getting help as well. What do you do in your own personal time? Do they want you to sit by yourself at times to think? I guess I’m just asking to understand what he might be doing while he is there to get help. He’s on my mind constantly. I am trying to stay busy but regardless I could be busy 24/7 and he’d still be there. My comfort is he is somewhere that he can’t be drinking.
I'm a bit of a double winner as I have not drank in 10 months. It hadn't gotten to the point where it was noticeable to others but it was to me and I read enough to know where I was headed if I continued. I have to say that giving up drinking has been way way easier than giving up my XABF.
Every tiny tiny thing you can do to focus on your own recovery is huge!! Not only does it help yourself, it helps everyone around you. Even in some very round about way it will help your Ex too . . . .anyhow that is what I believe.
to you beautiful lady!
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Join Date: May 2019
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Bekindalways I’m so proud of you for not drinking for the last ten months! I’m glad you made the decision to choose that path.
others have questioned why I ask about rehab and what it all entails ....I’m simply trying to educate myself as best I can. I’m not obsessing so to speak.. I just look at every angle. I’m not obsessing but rather just trying to see it all. In my way that’s how I’m taking care of myself. Learning ....the way that’s best for me. We are all different and handle situations in different ways. I’m well aware that when he gets out he might not ever contact me. My hope is he will just feel better and be more open to recovery for the long road ahead. I fear he will relapse as it is common but i will just keep praying for his strength and faith. No doubt do I love him and his family but At this point I just want him to live. He’s got a lot to live for...as do I. I go to crossfit and each day I get stronger physically and in some ways mentally but yes I do have my breakdowns. I do need this time fir myself as he needs his. It’s human nature to miss the person you’ve been beside when they are no longer there. It’s a rainy dreary day today just like my thoughts sometime but I know the sun will return and god will never fail me.
others have questioned why I ask about rehab and what it all entails ....I’m simply trying to educate myself as best I can. I’m not obsessing so to speak.. I just look at every angle. I’m not obsessing but rather just trying to see it all. In my way that’s how I’m taking care of myself. Learning ....the way that’s best for me. We are all different and handle situations in different ways. I’m well aware that when he gets out he might not ever contact me. My hope is he will just feel better and be more open to recovery for the long road ahead. I fear he will relapse as it is common but i will just keep praying for his strength and faith. No doubt do I love him and his family but At this point I just want him to live. He’s got a lot to live for...as do I. I go to crossfit and each day I get stronger physically and in some ways mentally but yes I do have my breakdowns. I do need this time fir myself as he needs his. It’s human nature to miss the person you’ve been beside when they are no longer there. It’s a rainy dreary day today just like my thoughts sometime but I know the sun will return and god will never fail me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by Soseking75
Bekindalways I’m so proud of you for not drinking for the last ten months! I’m glad you made the decision to choose that path.
others have questioned why I ask about rehab and what it all entails ....I’m simply trying to educate myself as best I can. I’m not obsessing so to speak.. I just look at every angle. I’m not obsessing but rather just trying to see it all. In my way that’s how I’m taking care of myself. Learning ....the way that’s best for me. We are all different and handle situations in different ways. I’m well aware that when he gets out he might not ever contact me. My hope is he will just feel better and be more open to recovery for the long road ahead. I fear he will relapse as it is common but i will just keep praying for his strength and faith. No doubt do I love him and his family but At this point I just want him to live. He’s got a lot to live for...as do I. I go to crossfit and each day I get stronger physically and in some ways mentally but yes I do have my breakdowns. I do need this time fir myself as he needs his. It’s human nature to miss the person you’ve been beside when they are no longer there. It’s a rainy dreary day today just like my thoughts sometime but I know the sun will return and god will never fail me.
others have questioned why I ask about rehab and what it all entails ....I’m simply trying to educate myself as best I can. I’m not obsessing so to speak.. I just look at every angle. I’m not obsessing but rather just trying to see it all. In my way that’s how I’m taking care of myself. Learning ....the way that’s best for me. We are all different and handle situations in different ways. I’m well aware that when he gets out he might not ever contact me. My hope is he will just feel better and be more open to recovery for the long road ahead. I fear he will relapse as it is common but i will just keep praying for his strength and faith. No doubt do I love him and his family but At this point I just want him to live. He’s got a lot to live for...as do I. I go to crossfit and each day I get stronger physically and in some ways mentally but yes I do have my breakdowns. I do need this time fir myself as he needs his. It’s human nature to miss the person you’ve been beside when they are no longer there. It’s a rainy dreary day today just like my thoughts sometime but I know the sun will return and god will never fail me.
Good on you for educating yourself on alcoholism. This is usually advised here. Also educate yourself on codependency. Not everyone relates to the definition but just that you have been in a relationship with an alcoholic qualifies you to be here and to go to Alanon.
Sigh . . . I so personify a cody. I can be codependent with a house plant. Ugh.
Focusing on myself and doing things like cross fit (congrats on that one) and other self care is super tough for me. I'd much rather run off and rescue someone and feel like the hero . . . . .I'm not accusing you of the traits in this last sentence; it is me that is like that.
Carry on Sose. It usually gets better specially if you focus on cleaning up your side of the street . . . .on that note I'm off to do another 15 min of yoga and set up my sewing machine.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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From what I have read in the newcomers section (and I would recommend you do read over there to see their stories), in rehab, in their free time they journal etc. They have tasks to do.
Many rehabs are intense and keep them really busy. Therapy, group sessions, meetings.
He isn't drinking at least, if he is in rehab. He's getting help. That should put your mind at ease. Rehab is the first step of many.
Many rehabs are intense and keep them really busy. Therapy, group sessions, meetings.
He isn't drinking at least, if he is in rehab. He's getting help. That should put your mind at ease. Rehab is the first step of many.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
So my XRAH always had the excuse about not being able to go to AA, we live in a smallish town and he is a MD in a specialty so he knows a ton of people in this town. He said he couldn’t go because of that and to go to the next town over would be. 45 minute drive and not doable with his work. Once he went to rehab and got serious about recovery he didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t thrilled about going to alanon really but when I dis go I also didn’t care who would be there. Everyone there is in the same boat, they have a loved one that is an alcoholic.
I think it is a little like with the alcoholic, you are no ready to give up on him so you find excuses why you can’t do this that or the other thing. I’m sure most of us have been in your shoes so I am not judging you at all, it is just something I observed in both myself and my ex. Excuses until you are truly ready to take action.
Inpatient rehab is pretty busy. I don’t exactly remember the details but they are kept ona pretty strict schedule, especially that first month. Lots of meeting, often several a day, therapy, psych evaluation. They had some painting activities and arts and crafts stuff that my ex didn’t particularly like . They spend a lot of time reading the big book and other alcoholic related stuff. They encourage them to work out. They have pretty limited access to the outside world initially and he didn’t have his phone for at least 2 weeks. They would get some phone time per day that increased as time went on and same for internet. I think they spend a lot of time self reflecting. You may not think you are obsessing over him and what he does but I think if you really look at it you are. You are spending more time worrying about what he is doing than what you should be doing for you. You honestly don’t need to worry about what he is doing in rehab. Educating yourself about alcoholism, absolutely you need to do that, but educating yourself about what goes on in rehab is completely unnecessary to be honest, I was so detached already when my ex got sent to rehab that I wasn’t really that interested in what he was doing. I would see on FB however how often he was on in the middle of the night (since I was also sleeping like crap ) and I admit it was to see if he was truly sleeping better like he claimed, especially when they took him off one of the psych meds that helps you sleep at night, I also brought this up with his counselor when we met because he had stopped the med without telling anyone...so that was the only thing I did sort of obsess about,. My ex got called out at rehab by his fellow addicts about how he was constantly talking about me and how I was acting towards him etc. in meetings rather than focusing on him and his action since he has no control over anyone but himself. I don’t think it is uncommon. This is still new for you so you are still trying to wrap your head around all that has happened and trying to process everything. But I will tell you that you will get stuck and not be able to start moving forward (at whatever pace) and work on you if you don’t take some sort of steps to help you, whether that ps alanon or therapy. Excuses are so easy to make, not just with this but just in general in life. We all do it to some degree, but until you start taking action and start worrying about you and getting you through this you will continue to just focus on him so you can avoid focusing on yourself (and I am the queen of avoidance so I get it). Again, not judging you really, it is just now that I’m mostly on the other side it is so easy to see, all the dysfunction that is. I still have a hard time accepting sometimes that I didn’t get it before this all blew up. Stop worrying about him, he is going to do what he is going to do, whether that is drink or quit drinking. It is times to focus on you and start the healing process for you. You deserve to be happy, to not live in chaos and constant worry about what he is doing or if he is drinking. Once you can start letting go of that you will feel so much more free and calm. It is just hard to see that with all the chaos that you have been going through. But you will need help to do that. I can’t tell you how much I needed my weekly counseling sessions because just like it is hard for the alcoholic to change their behaviors, it is just as hard for us to change our codependent behaviors. But we don’t get people cheering us on and encouraging us for the most part, only the addicts get that, because people don’t understand that codependency is a huge problem as well.
As far as rehab for codies, it actually does exist!! When I went to family week we were talking about wouldn’t it be nice if us Codie’s could go to our own rehab, away from all the everyday stresses and just focus on us 24/7..... and yes there is a place that does this. I don’t remember where it was, something like Kansas or Oklahoma. But yes it does exist!
I think it is a little like with the alcoholic, you are no ready to give up on him so you find excuses why you can’t do this that or the other thing. I’m sure most of us have been in your shoes so I am not judging you at all, it is just something I observed in both myself and my ex. Excuses until you are truly ready to take action.
Inpatient rehab is pretty busy. I don’t exactly remember the details but they are kept ona pretty strict schedule, especially that first month. Lots of meeting, often several a day, therapy, psych evaluation. They had some painting activities and arts and crafts stuff that my ex didn’t particularly like . They spend a lot of time reading the big book and other alcoholic related stuff. They encourage them to work out. They have pretty limited access to the outside world initially and he didn’t have his phone for at least 2 weeks. They would get some phone time per day that increased as time went on and same for internet. I think they spend a lot of time self reflecting. You may not think you are obsessing over him and what he does but I think if you really look at it you are. You are spending more time worrying about what he is doing than what you should be doing for you. You honestly don’t need to worry about what he is doing in rehab. Educating yourself about alcoholism, absolutely you need to do that, but educating yourself about what goes on in rehab is completely unnecessary to be honest, I was so detached already when my ex got sent to rehab that I wasn’t really that interested in what he was doing. I would see on FB however how often he was on in the middle of the night (since I was also sleeping like crap ) and I admit it was to see if he was truly sleeping better like he claimed, especially when they took him off one of the psych meds that helps you sleep at night, I also brought this up with his counselor when we met because he had stopped the med without telling anyone...so that was the only thing I did sort of obsess about,. My ex got called out at rehab by his fellow addicts about how he was constantly talking about me and how I was acting towards him etc. in meetings rather than focusing on him and his action since he has no control over anyone but himself. I don’t think it is uncommon. This is still new for you so you are still trying to wrap your head around all that has happened and trying to process everything. But I will tell you that you will get stuck and not be able to start moving forward (at whatever pace) and work on you if you don’t take some sort of steps to help you, whether that ps alanon or therapy. Excuses are so easy to make, not just with this but just in general in life. We all do it to some degree, but until you start taking action and start worrying about you and getting you through this you will continue to just focus on him so you can avoid focusing on yourself (and I am the queen of avoidance so I get it). Again, not judging you really, it is just now that I’m mostly on the other side it is so easy to see, all the dysfunction that is. I still have a hard time accepting sometimes that I didn’t get it before this all blew up. Stop worrying about him, he is going to do what he is going to do, whether that is drink or quit drinking. It is times to focus on you and start the healing process for you. You deserve to be happy, to not live in chaos and constant worry about what he is doing or if he is drinking. Once you can start letting go of that you will feel so much more free and calm. It is just hard to see that with all the chaos that you have been going through. But you will need help to do that. I can’t tell you how much I needed my weekly counseling sessions because just like it is hard for the alcoholic to change their behaviors, it is just as hard for us to change our codependent behaviors. But we don’t get people cheering us on and encouraging us for the most part, only the addicts get that, because people don’t understand that codependency is a huge problem as well.
As far as rehab for codies, it actually does exist!! When I went to family week we were talking about wouldn’t it be nice if us Codie’s could go to our own rehab, away from all the everyday stresses and just focus on us 24/7..... and yes there is a place that does this. I don’t remember where it was, something like Kansas or Oklahoma. But yes it does exist!
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Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
As far as rehab for codies, it actually does exist!! When I went to family week we were talking about wouldn’t it be nice if us Codie’s could go to our own rehab, away from all the everyday stresses and just focus on us 24/7..... and yes there is a place that does this. I don’t remember where it was, something like Kansas or Oklahoma. But yes it does exist!
Thanks for this Sleepy!
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