How to characterize this behavior
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Sasha for the win!
[QUOTE=Sasha1972;7189134]Well, to me the texts you’ve described are irritating because they sound like they’re coming from a pompous non-recovering drunk with acute short-man syndrome who loves to point out how everyone else is Doing It Wrong when he’s safely behind a keyboard, but can’t be arsed to actually help.
[QUOTE=Sasha1972;7189134]Well, to me the texts you’ve described are irritating because they sound like they’re coming from a pompous non-recovering drunk with acute short-man syndrome who loves to point out how everyone else is Doing It Wrong when he’s safely behind a keyboard, but can’t be arsed to actually help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 
Sasha for the win!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sarcasm and contempt were my armor against the pain of my situation. I was too ashamed to admit that I was really hurting. Why couldn't he just see how much easier it would be for him to get sober vs. me and the kids disrupting our lives to get away from his behavior?
I directed it outward, not just against the alcoholic either, but once I started my own recovery (Al Anon), I was able to unpack a lot of those feelings.
Most of the anger I felt was at myself- for accepting years of unacceptable behavior, and especially for exposing my kids to it.
It was terrifying for me to acknowledge, but it was a huge part of my path to healing and recovery. After a lifetime of analyzing the whys and hows of other people's behavior, I finally turned that focus onto myself, and the results have been far more beneficial.
I directed it outward, not just against the alcoholic either, but once I started my own recovery (Al Anon), I was able to unpack a lot of those feelings.
Most of the anger I felt was at myself- for accepting years of unacceptable behavior, and especially for exposing my kids to it.
It was terrifying for me to acknowledge, but it was a huge part of my path to healing and recovery. After a lifetime of analyzing the whys and hows of other people's behavior, I finally turned that focus onto myself, and the results have been far more beneficial.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Forgive my emphasis, but
RUN. NOW.
DON’T BE A MISERABLE HOPELESS WRETCH IN YOUR 50’S. DON’T CREATE MENTALLY ILL KIDS BECAUSE THEIR DAD IS AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DRUNK. DON’T MAKE YOURSELF LIVE IN RESENTMENT AND GUILT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DON’T DROWN IN SHAME.
RUN.
Lunchbox,
This is your post from another recent thread. The emotional torment
and abuse from your husband is real and so are the ways it is affecting
you & the kids. Do you go to al anon meetings or counseling? Please
get help for yourself and your kids. One day at a time, one step at a
time start getting some support for yourself, please. You are
not, not, not a hopeless wretch.
RUN. NOW.
DON’T BE A MISERABLE HOPELESS WRETCH IN YOUR 50’S. DON’T CREATE MENTALLY ILL KIDS BECAUSE THEIR DAD IS AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DRUNK. DON’T MAKE YOURSELF LIVE IN RESENTMENT AND GUILT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DON’T DROWN IN SHAME.
RUN.
Lunchbox,
This is your post from another recent thread. The emotional torment
and abuse from your husband is real and so are the ways it is affecting
you & the kids. Do you go to al anon meetings or counseling? Please
get help for yourself and your kids. One day at a time, one step at a
time start getting some support for yourself, please. You are
not, not, not a hopeless wretch.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Why does no one understand that if I leave, he will have the kids alone at times, without me to monitor. And he is a narcissist and will NEVER stop dragging me through hell in court, and playing games using the kids. I’ve seen posts about why women like me couldn’t leave. Haven’t you? I feel
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Getting support can change things too. I told my AH 3 years ago I needed
help to cope with the affect his drinking was having on me. I started
going to al anon meetings and reading lots of books. I would leave
them on the nightstands, end tables, etc. I got a sponsor and went
to counselng. I would go to evening meetings too, leaving him home
to drink alone (kids grown). Things slowly got a little better, then
more. No matter what, support and living your struggle in the
open changes things. You are not attacking him, you are getting
help you need. It is a family disease, everyone has to deal with it.
Some alanon meetings have alateen in the next room.
I spoke about getting support in the first post, not leaving.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
help to cope with the affect his drinking was having on me. I started
going to al anon meetings and reading lots of books. I would leave
them on the nightstands, end tables, etc. I got a sponsor and went
to counselng. I would go to evening meetings too, leaving him home
to drink alone (kids grown). Things slowly got a little better, then
more. No matter what, support and living your struggle in the
open changes things. You are not attacking him, you are getting
help you need. It is a family disease, everyone has to deal with it.
Some alanon meetings have alateen in the next room.
I spoke about getting support in the first post, not leaving.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Lunchbox, you mentioned in a previous post that your kids aren't little anymore. If you can't focus on leaving your husband, perhaps you should focus on minimize your children's contact with him, especially when he's drunk, which frankly could be any time at all.
I mention this because this is might be the perfect time to establish healthy ways of detaching. By the time I was in high school, I figured out pretty much on my own that if I hung out in the library and signed up for every after-school activity known to man I could avoid the house as much as possible. It certainly made me a stronger college/scholarship candidate. My sister, on the other hand, figured out that she could avoid the emotional turmoil via drugs/alcohol/sex.
You may not be able to leave on your own at this point in time, but you can lay the groundwork to make it much easier for your kids to do the same. My sister and I were left to our own devices, and as you could see results varied greatly.
I mention this because this is might be the perfect time to establish healthy ways of detaching. By the time I was in high school, I figured out pretty much on my own that if I hung out in the library and signed up for every after-school activity known to man I could avoid the house as much as possible. It certainly made me a stronger college/scholarship candidate. My sister, on the other hand, figured out that she could avoid the emotional turmoil via drugs/alcohol/sex.
You may not be able to leave on your own at this point in time, but you can lay the groundwork to make it much easier for your kids to do the same. My sister and I were left to our own devices, and as you could see results varied greatly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,048
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Why does no one understand that if I leave, he will have the kids alone at times, without me to monitor. And he is a narcissist and will NEVER stop dragging me through hell in court, and playing games using the kids. I’ve seen posts about why women like me couldn’t leave. Haven’t you? I feel
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
You might look into Tina Swithin's organization One Mom's Battle. It is about divorcing a narcissist. There are some resources for women and men in your situation that might be helpful. If nothing else, the people there get how really really tough this is.
We can support to a certain extent but Tina's info goes a bit further.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Nobody gets to say if staying is right or wrong- that is entirely your business.
OTOH, one thing that Alanon could do is to help you establish a boundary for the kinds of behavior you're willing to accept and what you will do in response if those limits are exceeded. It is scary and a lot of work to arrive at a place where you are sure of the boundary, with the possibility of real and permanent change.
I know a couple single moms in Alanon, one of them has to relinquish the kids to the drunk on the negotiated schedule- she has often shared how worried she is over his nonsense. But that is the deal, and the win for her is the 2 kids have a safe, quiet, respectful home half the time instead of a living h3ll 7 days a week.
The other single mom left with the kids, the father recently sold their old house they grew up in with no notice for I'm guessing 50% of its value so he could pay off the bail bond which he forfeited by not showing up for court. But they have a quiet, respectful home they can live in with her. Having lost the house, their dad is moving back in with his mother, presumably drinking away the money and entangling himself more deeply in associated legal issues.
Labelling your husband's behavior will not make it any less painful, nor will somehow understanding the dynamics of the alcoholic mind. I like the detaching idea discussed previously; when he starts up, exit the conversation- leave the room, possibly the house and do something fun- maybe take the kids too. When he calls, hang up if he starts in on you, when he texts something uncivil, ignore it.
OTOH, one thing that Alanon could do is to help you establish a boundary for the kinds of behavior you're willing to accept and what you will do in response if those limits are exceeded. It is scary and a lot of work to arrive at a place where you are sure of the boundary, with the possibility of real and permanent change.
I know a couple single moms in Alanon, one of them has to relinquish the kids to the drunk on the negotiated schedule- she has often shared how worried she is over his nonsense. But that is the deal, and the win for her is the 2 kids have a safe, quiet, respectful home half the time instead of a living h3ll 7 days a week.
The other single mom left with the kids, the father recently sold their old house they grew up in with no notice for I'm guessing 50% of its value so he could pay off the bail bond which he forfeited by not showing up for court. But they have a quiet, respectful home they can live in with her. Having lost the house, their dad is moving back in with his mother, presumably drinking away the money and entangling himself more deeply in associated legal issues.
Labelling your husband's behavior will not make it any less painful, nor will somehow understanding the dynamics of the alcoholic mind. I like the detaching idea discussed previously; when he starts up, exit the conversation- leave the room, possibly the house and do something fun- maybe take the kids too. When he calls, hang up if he starts in on you, when he texts something uncivil, ignore it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lunchbox....are you ever able to get out of the house for as much as up to 2hrs. at a time...to run errands...go shopping...or to the library...or get the oil changed in the car....? Or...does he keep an account of where you are and what you do, at all times...?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
The only time he cares where I am is if he’s left watching the kids.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Lunchbox....are you ever able to get out of the house for as much as up to 2hrs. at a time...to run errands...go shopping...or to the library...or get the oil changed in the car....? Or...does he keep an account of where you are and what you do, at all times...?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lunchbox....the reason that I asked is because I suggest that it might be a good idea for you to get a counselor at/through the local dv (domestic violence) organization. These are the people who understand what kinds of concerns and fears that you have in dealing with this situation. They have seen/heard every thing...and they are dedicated to help....in what ever way you need/want. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to...and, everything is completely confidential. And, they have resources available that you probably have never thought of....They will know how to help your children, also.
Your husband never needs to know.
I think you could benefit from experienced women who understand your situation...and is on your side...
Don't let the words "domestic violence" scare you....as there are many kinds of abusive or damaging behaviors that don't involve physical contact. The pain and damage can be just as bad, even if there are no visible bruises or holes in the wall.
Now, I can imagine that your hair might be standing up, at this suggestion.....so, I will ask you to consider it seriously as a "good idea" for, at least 2 hours, before you throw it in the "useless file".....
You have nothing to loose by considering it....
The following is the number, where they can direct you to the best contact in your local area....
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1-800-799-7233
Your husband never needs to know.
I think you could benefit from experienced women who understand your situation...and is on your side...
Don't let the words "domestic violence" scare you....as there are many kinds of abusive or damaging behaviors that don't involve physical contact. The pain and damage can be just as bad, even if there are no visible bruises or holes in the wall.
Now, I can imagine that your hair might be standing up, at this suggestion.....so, I will ask you to consider it seriously as a "good idea" for, at least 2 hours, before you throw it in the "useless file".....
You have nothing to loose by considering it....
The following is the number, where they can direct you to the best contact in your local area....
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1-800-799-7233
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Whether or not he is, the texts are irritating and I want to label why.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Why does no one understand that if I leave, he will have the kids alone at times, without me to monitor.
I was terrified of my XAH having our teenage boys alone. However, despite all my XAH's "threats" that the kids would end up wanting to live with him because I was a terrible mother; that he would take me to court and have the kids removed from my care and all the rest of the garbage...he rarely had the kids alone.
As a practicing alcoholic and a narcissist my XAH wasn't able to get his $%^& together in order to carry out all his threats.
I have learned that I can't predict the future and whatever happens is usually way better than I thought it would be - expectations lead to future disappointments.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,696
Yes, I note Lunchbox that you said the only time he worries where you are is if he has to watch the teens - so I don't think he will be looking for a bunch of custody?
One other thing, kids grow up, I hope you are making a plan for a few years down the road if not sooner.
One other thing, kids grow up, I hope you are making a plan for a few years down the road if not sooner.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
He screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Why does no one understand that if I leave, he will have the kids alone at times, without me to monitor. And he is a narcissist and will NEVER stop dragging me through hell in court, and playing games using the kids.
This is just my experience so please disregard if not relevant. I’ve had the same fear, especially when my youngest was born. I was terrified of separating and my AH having unsupervised contact with my special needs kid and my newborn (at the time). What did I do?
I applied ALANON’s ‘slogans’ & the serenity prayer- because I can’t get to meetings but slogans have been so helpful for me. There’s also a great podcast called the ‘recovery show’
I also made a long term plan - i kept a secret journal (there’s apps that need a passcode to open) so I could remind myself why I wanted out & it’s been helpful for custody purposes. Also helped me to cope
I made a list of baby steps of things to help me focused on the goal. I started researching custody & met with a lawyer just to collect knowledge & slowly but surely got my ducks in a row (all in secret). I took out cash periodically and kept it hidden.
I also watched a lot of YouTube - the channel ‘surviving to thriving’ (Michele) provides good insight into how to fight a narcissist in court & she has an e-book that I’ve found useful to help prepare me with a strategy
18months later- I just got my rental yesterday & prepping to leave in July. I know I’ll have a battle after I go- but I have a plan & kids and I will have a safe space to heal. The future is bright now
Some people wonder why don’t I go immediately? It’s taken me a long time to emotionally prepare, learn & grieve & getting my ‘ducks in a row’ . & I’m glad I did some preparing because now I’ve had enough & im counting the hours til I can go!
Having said that, I’m not in immediate danger. I’d also recommend having a chat to a DV counsellor for support and to see what you could access IF you needed & to help you make a plan. Knowledge is power.
Sorry this post is long! & if inappropriate, please delete
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Why does no one understand that if I leave, he will have the kids alone at times, without me to monitor. And he is a narcissist and will NEVER stop dragging me through hell in court, and playing games using the kids. I’ve seen posts about why women like me couldn’t leave. Haven’t you? I feel
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
****** and guilty enough as it is. I only wanted descriptors for the behavior. Yes I am very angry. he screamed and swore at me for 45 minutes tonight because he hates my anger and my being “unhealthy.”. (Usually he’s much more PA). He says everything’s my fault. I’m wrong for staying, yeah? I’m hurting my kids, I’m at fault. Get in line
A domestic violence advocate could educate you, give you resources and help you work through those fears.
The national Domestic Violence HOTLINE: 800-799-7233
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
