He can't accept the fact that I'm leaving
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I took my power back!
emma, truly this is about King Baby getting what he wants when he wants it and he is going to do everything to derail your plan.
Stay the course. I would absolutely go to the friend's couch. Yank that bandaid off - for both of you. The decision has been made, why torture yourself at this point?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
Bim is right--nothing good to be gained by proximity at this point.
Get a storage locker for a month, move your stuff, help your friend with newborn and take up the offer on the couch.
I wouldn't rush to divide the savings money until you have your share of household items and financial division is fully complete from his end.
He will get nastier as the reality sets in. Be ready.
Get a storage locker for a month, move your stuff, help your friend with newborn and take up the offer on the couch.
I wouldn't rush to divide the savings money until you have your share of household items and financial division is fully complete from his end.
He will get nastier as the reality sets in. Be ready.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
I have to agree with the advice everyone is giving you Emma, you need to get out of there and you need to do it now. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. Plus the longer you stay, the more he is thinking that you are not going to do it.
Use that friends couch, it's only for a short while and there is plenty you can do to help her with the baby, she'll be glad of it.
Be wise with the money matter too as advised above.
Run for the hills.
Good luck and big hugs. x
Use that friends couch, it's only for a short while and there is plenty you can do to help her with the baby, she'll be glad of it.
Be wise with the money matter too as advised above.
Run for the hills.
Good luck and big hugs. x
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Agreed to everyone to take that friend’s offer.
I know that it is so hard! To get out of that comfort zone and to do the “but if he does this or that...”.
I was advised in this forum (when I was going through all of this about a year ago) to hold onto some of the anger. And that was VERY good advice. The other advice that I finally took was to retain an attorney.
I really believe once that happened a light bulb went off in his head.
Also please please please begin disentangling the finances. I started doing it over a year ago and it is not done yet. <sigh>
I filed back in February and we don’t have the hearing until like August! Ugh!
But take things one day, one step at a time. If you are not ready to actually leave the apartment, then don’t, it’s ok. Do things as you are ready to do them, give yourself the time you need. Unless of course things are getting physical and you are in danger.
The best step I took was to get an attorney. Attorney filed everything for “us” and deals with the court/judge as needed. But it took me awhile to take that step and the way things played out that is ok. I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment and just anticipating my life after I get out of this house makes me almost cry out of sheer joy and happiness!
You are a strong, intelligent woman who deserves to LIVE life and be happy! You are enough and this is not your fault, it just is what it is. He will not suddenly change and react according to your expectations. Once I figured that out I was able to take steps to live my life and I molded things according to how I wanted my new life to look. You CAN do this!
hugs!!!
I know that it is so hard! To get out of that comfort zone and to do the “but if he does this or that...”.
I was advised in this forum (when I was going through all of this about a year ago) to hold onto some of the anger. And that was VERY good advice. The other advice that I finally took was to retain an attorney.
I really believe once that happened a light bulb went off in his head.
Also please please please begin disentangling the finances. I started doing it over a year ago and it is not done yet. <sigh>
I filed back in February and we don’t have the hearing until like August! Ugh!
But take things one day, one step at a time. If you are not ready to actually leave the apartment, then don’t, it’s ok. Do things as you are ready to do them, give yourself the time you need. Unless of course things are getting physical and you are in danger.
The best step I took was to get an attorney. Attorney filed everything for “us” and deals with the court/judge as needed. But it took me awhile to take that step and the way things played out that is ok. I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment and just anticipating my life after I get out of this house makes me almost cry out of sheer joy and happiness!
You are a strong, intelligent woman who deserves to LIVE life and be happy! You are enough and this is not your fault, it just is what it is. He will not suddenly change and react according to your expectations. Once I figured that out I was able to take steps to live my life and I molded things according to how I wanted my new life to look. You CAN do this!
hugs!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
You all have no idea how helpful you've been. I feel like I have a small army behind me, which is nice. Every time I start to doubt what I'm doing, I read all your posts and am reminded that this has been going on too long, I'm unhappy, and it needs to end.
I started packing my belongings last night and will make the move to my friend's house tomorrow. I have the day off and AH will be at work, so it's an ideal time to get some of my things out. I'm absolutely going to get an attorney next, because after our last few interactions, I think he is going to fight tooth and nail to make this hard.
Last night while I was packing, he again kept coming at me with how unfair it was that I was unwilling to try and make this work. That he was willing to try and be a better man for me, but I'm not giving him the chance. Ugh. Ended with him telling me to just 'get the **** out'. Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you. It'd be nice if you tried to love me back'. Ugh again.
I'll feel relief to be on my friend's couch tomorrow night, regardless with how much of my stuff I end up having to leave behind.
I started packing my belongings last night and will make the move to my friend's house tomorrow. I have the day off and AH will be at work, so it's an ideal time to get some of my things out. I'm absolutely going to get an attorney next, because after our last few interactions, I think he is going to fight tooth and nail to make this hard.
Last night while I was packing, he again kept coming at me with how unfair it was that I was unwilling to try and make this work. That he was willing to try and be a better man for me, but I'm not giving him the chance. Ugh. Ended with him telling me to just 'get the **** out'. Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you. It'd be nice if you tried to love me back'. Ugh again.
I'll feel relief to be on my friend's couch tomorrow night, regardless with how much of my stuff I end up having to leave behind.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
yeah, that's not "love."
That stuff is crazy-making, I had that one guy do that to me too. (The one I kept breaking up/going back.) That, "I love you," stuff is disorienting. I wanted to be loved. Really wanted it.
Keep telling/reminding yourself, "That isn't love."
It may be obsession and it's definitely manipulation/fear on his part. Attempts to control.
I actually said to my guy, "Really? You think calling me names and threatening me one minute and then saying 'I love you' the next will somehow magically make me stay? Because it's having the opposite effect." (Or something like that. I may have referenced that I thought he was unbalanced. It was 30 years ago.)
To be fair, I said it from the safety of a phone behind a locked door and he was 20 miles away and he was already on the police radar because I had involved them. I would suggest being as nice and agreeable as you can stomach right now. This could still escalate into more drama than either of you can handle.
That stuff is crazy-making, I had that one guy do that to me too. (The one I kept breaking up/going back.) That, "I love you," stuff is disorienting. I wanted to be loved. Really wanted it.
Keep telling/reminding yourself, "That isn't love."
It may be obsession and it's definitely manipulation/fear on his part. Attempts to control.
I actually said to my guy, "Really? You think calling me names and threatening me one minute and then saying 'I love you' the next will somehow magically make me stay? Because it's having the opposite effect." (Or something like that. I may have referenced that I thought he was unbalanced. It was 30 years ago.)
To be fair, I said it from the safety of a phone behind a locked door and he was 20 miles away and he was already on the police radar because I had involved them. I would suggest being as nice and agreeable as you can stomach right now. This could still escalate into more drama than either of you can handle.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
Not to alarm you, but I wouldn't go back into the house again once you leave if he is there and especially if there is any chance that he may have been drinking.
When a partner leaves, most especially women, is the most dangerous time some say. A person who "would never lay a hand on me" or someone who "has never acted violent" may do just that when they realize that they will not be able to force / manipulate the partner to stay.
Alcohol highly intensifies a reduction in inhibition towards acting out.
Be careful and be safe.
When a partner leaves, most especially women, is the most dangerous time some say. A person who "would never lay a hand on me" or someone who "has never acted violent" may do just that when they realize that they will not be able to force / manipulate the partner to stay.
Alcohol highly intensifies a reduction in inhibition towards acting out.
Be careful and be safe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
My last thing is this: I wrote him a letter a few days ago, with no intention of showing him. Just explaining my choice to leave and how I feel. I’m a good writer, not so much great at verbal expression. A friend suggested I do actually show him this letter, and maybe even show him one or two of the posts I’ve made here. He’s under the impression I came to this decision overnight and it’s easy. Clearly, as you all know, it’s been a year and a half to get here.
yet I also don’t want to make him anymore angry than he already is.
yet I also don’t want to make him anymore angry than he already is.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Honestly?
His impression is not something you can control. His impression is not your problem. His impression is his problem.
You are going to have to believe in yourself and in your decision without his validation of events.
Accepting that you are going to leave without his affirmation that it is the right thing to do is the first step you can take on a very empowering journey.
His impression is not something you can control. His impression is not your problem. His impression is his problem.
You are going to have to believe in yourself and in your decision without his validation of events.
Accepting that you are going to leave without his affirmation that it is the right thing to do is the first step you can take on a very empowering journey.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Originally Posted by emmab219 
He’s under the impression I came to this decision overnight and it’s easy.
One thing to keep uppermost in your mind, I believe, whether thinking about giving him a letter or being around him after you leave is this.
- he was willing to try and be a better man for me,
- him telling me to just 'get the **** out'.
- Followed by a text this morning that said 'I love you.
These actions are all from the same person.
It's not just that - oh he just said that when he was drinking. Oh well now he's sober again and feeling bad - oh he is drinking again.
First of all, he is never "sober", his thinking is skewed. What person would tell you to F-off then tell you the next day they love you and wish you would try.
Someone off balance mentally. Try not to separate him in to two ways of being. If you handed him that letter today and he read it calmly and said he needs to think about it, for instance, that same guy will be drunk later and you don't know what his reaction will be (then or even sober-ish).
If he truly doesn't understand - that just means he is completely out of touch with what is going on/what has gone on, you can't correct that type of thinking really.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by emmab219
I don't know why part of me is looking for validation from him when I don't need it.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by emmab219 View Post
He’s under the impression I came to this decision overnight and it’s easy.
My husband is under the impression I just got up and left one day without any hint, even though he was at marriage counseling with me for 3 months beforehand listening to me saying "if you don't sort out your drinking I will leave you"
He seems to want to believe what he wants to believe, regardless of what actually happened.
He’s under the impression I came to this decision overnight and it’s easy.
My husband is under the impression I just got up and left one day without any hint, even though he was at marriage counseling with me for 3 months beforehand listening to me saying "if you don't sort out your drinking I will leave you"
He seems to want to believe what he wants to believe, regardless of what actually happened.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by emmab219
My last thing is this: I wrote him a letter a few days ago, with no intention of showing him. Just explaining my choice to leave and how I feel. I’m a good writer, not so much great at verbal expression. A friend suggested I do actually show him this letter, and maybe even show him one or two of the posts I’ve made here. He’s under the impression I came to this decision overnight and it’s easy. Clearly, as you all know, it’s been a year and a half to get here.
yet I also don’t want to make him anymore angry than he already is.
yet I also don’t want to make him anymore angry than he already is.
This site is a safe place for you, he has no business knowing you are here. If you don't like what we say you can always walk away from this forum but remember that you are going to be fighting a legal battle with him - anything you say here or in emails or texts is just fodder for his legal representative.
Danger.
I agree that you've already made your decision. He will say he doesn't understand just like you don't understand his actions that forced you to make this decision. It's over and the closure you (and he) want will have to come from yourselves. You can't be each others' closure.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You can't be each others' closure.
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