hummingbird358

Just looking to see if anyone has a son or daughter in recovery and how long it took for the former alcoholic child to come around and want a relationship again with the parents.
After many years of struggling and now putting up boundaries where there is no financial help offered (took years for me to get to this point), our relationship with our son has been awful. We were only there for the money. We never heard anything nice from him, never really heard anything from him unless he needed something. Relapse roller coaster.
Now is over a month sober and doesn't reach out to us. Last week seemed like he was coming around but this week silence again.
Walking on egg shells, rehashing my last text message to see if maybe I wrote something that set him off.
I know it is way too early to see any changes. I don't even know if he is working with a sponsor or going to meetings. I have not a clue.

I guess I shouldn't care. What happens happens. It is his path his life. We have tried numerous times to help and it didn't work.

We have pulled away but feel so badly but know it is the right thing to do. I hope he knows we love him. Feels weird to just send a text saying that so I don't .

Not sure if I mentioned our dog passed away a few months ago. The illness was very sudden and we never told our son. We feel it could be a trigger depending on what frame of mind he is in at the time. Dreading if and when he ever asks how the dog is.

Seren

Please don't continually second guess every conversation you have with him as if whatever you say or do is the primary reason for him remaining sober or not...it isn't. You don't have that power, I'm both sorry and glad to say.

Sorry because I know he is your son and your want to protect him and save him from causing himself further damage. Glad because the relief of setting aside that boulder on your shoulders is huge!

I'm sorry your son is not communicating. My stepson hasn't spoken to me on the phone since the last drunken phone call I had with him about his health insurance And that is his right.

I'm sorry you are hurting and worried. None of this is easy, but with time and practice, it does get better!

seekingcalm

Absolutely what Seren said. We don't have that kind of power.
Thank goodness we don't!
After spending so much time on the awful roller coaster of addiction with your son, I know it is hard to fill the void. But you must, and you must fill it with kindness for yourself.
I am sure that before he sought recovery, you just prayed he would, now that he has, you worry if it will stick, and you wonder when your relationship will be better. I get it, I really do, but what's the good of worrying?
We have no knowledge of the future, or of each addict's personal time frame. Everyone is so different, there is no way to tell. All any of us can do is take what pleasure we can in the blessings we have...one day at a time.
I wish my son had even a thought that he had a problem, or any desire to try to feel better. If he never spoke to me again, but got well and lived happily, I would be ok with that.

trailmix

Hi hummingbird. I really am sorry this is so hard for all of you. I have read your posts and I don't have a child that is addicted (thankfully) but I did notice something in your post above.

You say, you guess you shouldn't care and then go on to say how you SHOULD be approaching this (probably based on what you have learned about addiction). Not what you do believe or practice but what you should be believing or practicing.

Without that, they are just words? They don't help you at all, you aren't living them or embracing them, just repeating them without any belief in them.

It's probably a bit similar to white-knuckling it through not drinking with no plan and no recovery support.

Do you attend Al-Anon, what are you doing for your own support? Do you have therapy or any kind of support group? If you are not an Al-Anon fan, if you live in or near a larger city there are probably groups for parents with addicted children that you might attend for support.

It is wonderful that you post here for support and keep coming back, I don't see your suffering lessening at all though and his progress will be what it will be, regardless. You don't need to walk a tight rope, he will do what he will do whether you sit and worry or not.

All I'm saying is that you try to relax a bit perhaps? I hope you are doing good things for yourself. No amount of worry will help him with his addiction. He may have been clean for a month now, that's good news.

As for texting him, just simply texting that you love him doesn't seem weird to me, perhaps just leave out all the pre-amble and it will seem less daunting?

Action

It goes both ways, sometimes they heal quickly sometimes not at all. Thirty days is only a blink of time compared to what's happened in the past. Give it time.

NYCDoglvr

Some of the very best information I received during recovery was to let go of expectations. They screw up more relationships than practically anything else. He may want a relationship at some point but it's out of your hands. Big hug.

Ironpigs

Hi Hummingbird and happy Saturday. I have nearly 300 days of recovery and it probably took me 2-3 months before I felt comfortable enough to interact with my parents. The first month of detoxing was difficult and all I wanted to do was go to meetings and avoid any triggers at all. As I became more comfortable in my sobriety I started venturing out and making living amends to those I felt I owed. By living amends, I mean coming around, checking in on a regular basis, helping my parents as they are getting older and so much more. 30 days is a great accomplishment but I'm assuming his struggles with addiction was a lot longer than that. It's like wandering deep in a forest for months or years, it's going to take a while to get out. I like the idea of random texts letting him know you love him and you are there for him with the exception of financial support. We alcoholics and addicts are generally very sensitive and defensive in our early sobriety and the best advice I can offer is to increase you tolerance, lower expectations and be there to listen and not offer advice unless asked. If he pushes back, just let it go and try to understand his point of view. A.A. did wonders for me. I was to the point of "kill me or cure me" and thankfully my journey with A.A. has removed that self-loathing that I once endured. Now I am happier than I have ever been and enjoy a wonderful relationship with my parents, kids and other family members. Good luck to you all.

Daisybelle

From my own experience with my son, I can only reiterate what both Action and NYCdoglvr say. Big hugs to you. xx

Maudcat

Al-Anon can be very helpful, hummingbird.
Give it a try.

atalose

If the only time you were hearing from him was when he wanted or needed something maybe it’s a good sign of sorts that he is not calling.

I think things will change for you when you change things for yourself. Get busy and fill that void instead of occupying your thoughts of negatives with him. Have you checked out Al-anon? Have you sought out any kind of recovery for yourself other than posting here?

hopeful4

If he truly ever embraces his mindset will change and he will become different. Or he may never embrace that recovery. He is very new to this, I imagine it will take a long time.

Many hugs.

ThatWasTheOldMe

As an alcoholic myself that has hurt people he loves many times; I can say with fair confidence that the relapses have not much to do with anyone but him.

Someone might upset him; someone might excite him; someone might make him feel happy for a day; it can be anything that "causes" someone with alcoholism to drink.

I am sorry you're in this situation.