He can't accept the fact that I'm leaving
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
He can't accept the fact that I'm leaving
So this is it. I've written about my crumbling relationship with my alcoholic husband for over a year now and gone back and forth about what to do. I'm so proud of myself right now, because I am actually going through with my plans and don't want to look back.
I've clung to my disintegrating marriage with all I have and have tried for two years or so to make this work. It just isn't and I am tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being lonely, feeling like I have a 21 year old roommate instead of a 38 year old husband. And I finally got the courage to sit him down on Friday and tell him I wanted to leave and didn't think this was something we could work out.
It goes without saying that he didn't take it well. It was horrible. He begged me to stay. Kept repeating he loved me and didn't want anyone else. Kept asking what to do. And when I said I didn't think there was anything else he could do at this point, he got very defensive and came at me with 'Well, you just want to give up? Let's just get divorced then since you don't even want to try and make this work!' ....I didn't just wake up Friday morning and make that choice. I have been thinking about this for years. He said he didn't see this coming, which baffles me. Over the last two years, we've had the same conversation about him getting help, taking care of himself to drink less, lose weight, spend more time together without the video games, etc etc. I've gone to counseling and he refused to go. I'v gone to Al-Anon. I even stayed with a friend for a week in an attempt to give him a taste of what it'd be like if I wasn't here. Apparently he's just forgotten all that or something.
He acted blindsided. I left to go meet up with my high school best friend, and before I did he hugged me very tightly and kept saying we could work this out. I didn't answer. Things just get weirder from here.
Saturday morning, I moved to get up to go to the gym and he pulled me back into bed. Was being very snuggly with me, and said something along the lines of 'See? This feels right. We can make this work'. I wanted to scream. I spent the rest of the day doing my errands and he was still asleep when I got home around 2:30pm. Here's what really gets me-- I expected us to continue our conversation from the previous night. To talk again about what's next. Instead, he acted like everything was completely normal. Like that conversation had never happened. Here I am sitting on the couch, and he hops onto his video games, cracks a beer, and proceeds to play for three hours. While I hang out alone in the other room...I was sort of in disbelief. I had just told him the night before I wanted to leave because of this behaviors (amongst other things) and here he was doing them again! I was so frustrated I packed a bag and went to stay the night with one of my girlfriends.
He just gave me a kiss when I walked out the door and said 'See you tomorrow, we need to grocery shop'....WHAT? And then on Sunday his mother texted both of us in a group chat to ask if we could still watch her dog next weekend. He responded very jovially 'yes, of course. we'll be home so drop her off!' ....He was sober when we had the 'I want to leave' conversation on Friday so is he just avoiding that it ever happened? In an attempt to make things go back to the way the were? Like maybe she'll forget and everything will just be fine if we never bring it up again. I don't get it. When I got home from my friend's on Sunday, he tried to kiss me and I gave him the cheek. Maybe that was a little childish of me, but I was so annoyed I didn't want him anywhere near me. He came at me with 'Why do you reject me like that?' And stomped out of the room.
I've already accepted that he will put all the blame on me for this. That's whatever, I can take it. But anyways now I'm just wondering what I do now. I can't move into the apartment for a few weeks...but I don't want to keep going on like this. And I feel since I'm initiating the separation, I can't ask him to go stay with his mom. It's just I don't have any family I can stay with. I have a friend (a single mom with a newborn, who has been so supportive) who keeps saying I can crash on her couch....do I just pack the essentials and go stay with her?
At this point, I don't care about our furniture or anything. I only want the car (he has his own car and a work truck, but the SUV I drive is in both our names) and maybe the bedroom set. And obviously my clothing and personal belongings.
I just can't take him pretending like everything is fine, we never had 'the talk', and then treating me like I'm an ******* because I don't want his affection or his cutesy 'see, everything is fine?' attitude. I know how I probably sound, callous and cold, but I'm just done right now.
I could just use some advice on how to make this next transition. Maybe I should have waited until the apartment was move-in ready, but I was trying to be upfront with him, not go behind his back about it. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.
At this point, I just want out. I don't want to waste anymore of my life.
Thank you to all who took the time to read this novel, who have checked in on me and been following my story for the past year. Your support has helped me get to this point.
I've clung to my disintegrating marriage with all I have and have tried for two years or so to make this work. It just isn't and I am tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being lonely, feeling like I have a 21 year old roommate instead of a 38 year old husband. And I finally got the courage to sit him down on Friday and tell him I wanted to leave and didn't think this was something we could work out.
It goes without saying that he didn't take it well. It was horrible. He begged me to stay. Kept repeating he loved me and didn't want anyone else. Kept asking what to do. And when I said I didn't think there was anything else he could do at this point, he got very defensive and came at me with 'Well, you just want to give up? Let's just get divorced then since you don't even want to try and make this work!' ....I didn't just wake up Friday morning and make that choice. I have been thinking about this for years. He said he didn't see this coming, which baffles me. Over the last two years, we've had the same conversation about him getting help, taking care of himself to drink less, lose weight, spend more time together without the video games, etc etc. I've gone to counseling and he refused to go. I'v gone to Al-Anon. I even stayed with a friend for a week in an attempt to give him a taste of what it'd be like if I wasn't here. Apparently he's just forgotten all that or something.
He acted blindsided. I left to go meet up with my high school best friend, and before I did he hugged me very tightly and kept saying we could work this out. I didn't answer. Things just get weirder from here.
Saturday morning, I moved to get up to go to the gym and he pulled me back into bed. Was being very snuggly with me, and said something along the lines of 'See? This feels right. We can make this work'. I wanted to scream. I spent the rest of the day doing my errands and he was still asleep when I got home around 2:30pm. Here's what really gets me-- I expected us to continue our conversation from the previous night. To talk again about what's next. Instead, he acted like everything was completely normal. Like that conversation had never happened. Here I am sitting on the couch, and he hops onto his video games, cracks a beer, and proceeds to play for three hours. While I hang out alone in the other room...I was sort of in disbelief. I had just told him the night before I wanted to leave because of this behaviors (amongst other things) and here he was doing them again! I was so frustrated I packed a bag and went to stay the night with one of my girlfriends.
He just gave me a kiss when I walked out the door and said 'See you tomorrow, we need to grocery shop'....WHAT? And then on Sunday his mother texted both of us in a group chat to ask if we could still watch her dog next weekend. He responded very jovially 'yes, of course. we'll be home so drop her off!' ....He was sober when we had the 'I want to leave' conversation on Friday so is he just avoiding that it ever happened? In an attempt to make things go back to the way the were? Like maybe she'll forget and everything will just be fine if we never bring it up again. I don't get it. When I got home from my friend's on Sunday, he tried to kiss me and I gave him the cheek. Maybe that was a little childish of me, but I was so annoyed I didn't want him anywhere near me. He came at me with 'Why do you reject me like that?' And stomped out of the room.
I've already accepted that he will put all the blame on me for this. That's whatever, I can take it. But anyways now I'm just wondering what I do now. I can't move into the apartment for a few weeks...but I don't want to keep going on like this. And I feel since I'm initiating the separation, I can't ask him to go stay with his mom. It's just I don't have any family I can stay with. I have a friend (a single mom with a newborn, who has been so supportive) who keeps saying I can crash on her couch....do I just pack the essentials and go stay with her?
At this point, I don't care about our furniture or anything. I only want the car (he has his own car and a work truck, but the SUV I drive is in both our names) and maybe the bedroom set. And obviously my clothing and personal belongings.
I just can't take him pretending like everything is fine, we never had 'the talk', and then treating me like I'm an ******* because I don't want his affection or his cutesy 'see, everything is fine?' attitude. I know how I probably sound, callous and cold, but I'm just done right now.
I could just use some advice on how to make this next transition. Maybe I should have waited until the apartment was move-in ready, but I was trying to be upfront with him, not go behind his back about it. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.
At this point, I just want out. I don't want to waste anymore of my life.
Thank you to all who took the time to read this novel, who have checked in on me and been following my story for the past year. Your support has helped me get to this point.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I've left more than one relationship which I felt was not salvageable. In each case I was done on the day I had the discussion. Twice I just left without a word while they were out, but they were abusive relationships.
I did break up with one guy (not living with him, but it was three years of a relationship) and he acted like your husband, kept calling like nothing had happened. It was odd. I think it didn't help that I had stopped seeing him a few times previously and always went back. I mean, your husband has seen you leave a few times. You've had "the discussion" about him changing a few times. This is just more of the same as far as he is concerned, until you finally leave.
Separate your finances NOW. Change PINS and lockdown your accounts. Talk to an attorney now about legally separating so that you don't get sucked into a financial quicksand.
I did break up with one guy (not living with him, but it was three years of a relationship) and he acted like your husband, kept calling like nothing had happened. It was odd. I think it didn't help that I had stopped seeing him a few times previously and always went back. I mean, your husband has seen you leave a few times. You've had "the discussion" about him changing a few times. This is just more of the same as far as he is concerned, until you finally leave.
Separate your finances NOW. Change PINS and lockdown your accounts. Talk to an attorney now about legally separating so that you don't get sucked into a financial quicksand.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Emma,
Good advice about finances. Alcoholism is unpredictable and yet in some ways very the same in how it progresses.
'Well, you just want to give up? Let's just get divorced then since you don't even want to try and make this work!'
I'm still married and have heard versions of this.
Waking up, having my own home, alcohol-free, knowing it'll be safe (emotionaly/psychologically/physically) all day and tomorrow, and the next day is amazing and healing!
Are you still going to Al-Anon and have you found a sponsor?
I even stayed with a friend for a week in an attempt to give him a taste of what it'd be like if I wasn't here.
The intent behind having time for ourselves is important. 'To have a safe place to think clearly.' might be one way to reframe this even now. Sometimes in my early recovery I would have many conflicting intents. Having a sponsor helped immensely on little things that built together to allow my growth, healing and healthy gut instincts a direction instead of being stuffed down.
Good advice about finances. Alcoholism is unpredictable and yet in some ways very the same in how it progresses.
'Well, you just want to give up? Let's just get divorced then since you don't even want to try and make this work!'
I'm still married and have heard versions of this.
Waking up, having my own home, alcohol-free, knowing it'll be safe (emotionaly/psychologically/physically) all day and tomorrow, and the next day is amazing and healing!
Are you still going to Al-Anon and have you found a sponsor?
I even stayed with a friend for a week in an attempt to give him a taste of what it'd be like if I wasn't here.
The intent behind having time for ourselves is important. 'To have a safe place to think clearly.' might be one way to reframe this even now. Sometimes in my early recovery I would have many conflicting intents. Having a sponsor helped immensely on little things that built together to allow my growth, healing and healthy gut instincts a direction instead of being stuffed down.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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emmab…….My suggestion----take up your friend's offer and move to her couch. Since she is single with a newborn, you can probably make yourself very useful to her.
I think that his behavior is basically consisting of three factors....
1. denial. Alcoholism is the disease of denial. Denial of the alcoholism, of course...but, also of everything else that enables them to continue drinking.....if they saw the truth...they would have to quit drinking!! So...they just turn a bind eye to everything that looks bad on them....
2. Short-term memory loss.....I think that the non alcoholic partner often forgets that much of what goes on, the alcoholic does not remember.....either they are black out drunk...or...even when they look sober...their memory is like a sieve....
3. What biminiblue said. He has heard your talking of these things, before, and seen your "threats" of leaving, in the past. He has not seen it really happen. You have given him the message that you will, really, never leave the relationship. He knows how hard you have clung to the relationship, and he sees how desperate you have been to "save" the marriage....No doubt...he probably thinks that you don't have it in you to carry through....
My first husband...the children's father....didn't think I would divorce him, either. What a wake up call he got...lol!
I think that his behavior is basically consisting of three factors....
1. denial. Alcoholism is the disease of denial. Denial of the alcoholism, of course...but, also of everything else that enables them to continue drinking.....if they saw the truth...they would have to quit drinking!! So...they just turn a bind eye to everything that looks bad on them....
2. Short-term memory loss.....I think that the non alcoholic partner often forgets that much of what goes on, the alcoholic does not remember.....either they are black out drunk...or...even when they look sober...their memory is like a sieve....
3. What biminiblue said. He has heard your talking of these things, before, and seen your "threats" of leaving, in the past. He has not seen it really happen. You have given him the message that you will, really, never leave the relationship. He knows how hard you have clung to the relationship, and he sees how desperate you have been to "save" the marriage....No doubt...he probably thinks that you don't have it in you to carry through....
My first husband...the children's father....didn't think I would divorce him, either. What a wake up call he got...lol!
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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He will figure it out after you're gone. Active alcoholics have trouble with reality , you have told him so to what you need to do to take care of yourself. He may or may not ever understand what you have been through the last years with him.
Good luck, Action
Good luck, Action
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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He is in terrible denial. Lower your expectations for how he will handle this; it is way beyond your control, and, I suspect, his. At least for now.
Your single friend with the newborn could probably use your help! It might just be time to show him--and yourself--how serious you are, and the space from him will do you good.
Your single friend with the newborn could probably use your help! It might just be time to show him--and yourself--how serious you are, and the space from him will do you good.
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emmab…...I know that you are stunned that he doesn't accept that you are leaving.....But, I want to say this to you----make sure that YOU can accept that you are leaving...that you are leaving for good.
The reason that I say this, is, because you will surely be tested in the coming weeks/months.....
He will know every one of your hot buttons to push...and, he knows what worked, before. He will surely try all of them again.
Your own fears and self doubts that kept you there, before, even when the marriage was clearly deteriorating.....are probably still lurking in the background (masked by your anger, right now)….False guilt and self doubt are very pesky stinkers and they can be relentless.....trying to choke out every surge of courage that you garner.....
Be aware of this...and, be prepared to soldier through....no matter what....
The reason that I say this, is, because you will surely be tested in the coming weeks/months.....
He will know every one of your hot buttons to push...and, he knows what worked, before. He will surely try all of them again.
Your own fears and self doubts that kept you there, before, even when the marriage was clearly deteriorating.....are probably still lurking in the background (masked by your anger, right now)….False guilt and self doubt are very pesky stinkers and they can be relentless.....trying to choke out every surge of courage that you garner.....
Be aware of this...and, be prepared to soldier through....no matter what....
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I would leave.
I don’t see anything changing, and you sound done.
Go stay with your friend until you can move into your own place.
Make sure your finances are not available to him.
Honestly, the drinking is bad, for sure, but I am more troubled by the video gaming.
This is not a grown up here.
Good luck.
I don’t see anything changing, and you sound done.
Go stay with your friend until you can move into your own place.
Make sure your finances are not available to him.
Honestly, the drinking is bad, for sure, but I am more troubled by the video gaming.
This is not a grown up here.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thank you again for the responses, everyone.
I do know my friend could certainly use my help and she has been the best support.
I called my mom this morning and she said to talk to a divorce attorney before doing anything. I know divorces can get expensive and cost thousands of dollars, but I'm trying so hard to avoid that. Neither of us make a lot of money. But my mom said something along the lines that me leaving could be seen as me forfeiting the rights to any property I have in the home. Such as furniture, personal belongings, and such. And he could refuse to let me back into the house.
We rent, so it's not like we have a house to decide what to do with and our lease is month to month so we wouldn't be breaking it. I don't know how true what my mom said is, but I should know my rights at the very least.
I guess I'm just not sure what to do because the apartment I'm getting won't be move-in ready for a few weeks. Since I'm the one wanting the separation, I assumed this would mean I need to leave and go stay with a friend or something. My mom said I could suggest for him to go stay with his mother (who is close by-- I, on the other hand, don't have the option of moving home).
I know this is going to be a long, difficult process. I can't rush it, but I just want to get the ball rolling. I'm ready to pack a bag and get gone, but my mom scared me a little with what she said. I don't have much-- I'm a librarian, I'm not rolling in money. So I'd like to divide our property and keep what I can and now have to totally start over from scratch.
I do know my friend could certainly use my help and she has been the best support.
I called my mom this morning and she said to talk to a divorce attorney before doing anything. I know divorces can get expensive and cost thousands of dollars, but I'm trying so hard to avoid that. Neither of us make a lot of money. But my mom said something along the lines that me leaving could be seen as me forfeiting the rights to any property I have in the home. Such as furniture, personal belongings, and such. And he could refuse to let me back into the house.
We rent, so it's not like we have a house to decide what to do with and our lease is month to month so we wouldn't be breaking it. I don't know how true what my mom said is, but I should know my rights at the very least.
I guess I'm just not sure what to do because the apartment I'm getting won't be move-in ready for a few weeks. Since I'm the one wanting the separation, I assumed this would mean I need to leave and go stay with a friend or something. My mom said I could suggest for him to go stay with his mother (who is close by-- I, on the other hand, don't have the option of moving home).
I know this is going to be a long, difficult process. I can't rush it, but I just want to get the ball rolling. I'm ready to pack a bag and get gone, but my mom scared me a little with what she said. I don't have much-- I'm a librarian, I'm not rolling in money. So I'd like to divide our property and keep what I can and now have to totally start over from scratch.
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I should also mention as far as finances go-- we have a joint bank account that both our paychecks go into and bills come out of. I myself have a personal account with not much in it. I have a personal savings account as well...however, I have been putting a little bit from both our checks into this account over the years. So he has just as much a right to it as I do, and I of course would want to split that evenly with him. The only reason it isn't joint is because I guess maybe some part of me didn't trust him not to use it unwisely.
I don't want to leave either of us high and dry here.
I don't want to leave either of us high and dry here.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Dandylion has a link that explains divorce rights from state to state, I'm sure she will post it here soon.
I can tell you that my first husband and I owned our condo, and I left that condo during the separation, and it had no effect on the distribution of assets. Had the divorce been more contentious, maybe that would have been a thing, but as it was, we agreed I had three years to buy him out of the condo post-divorce, at interest.
All that is to say, call a lawyer today. For both your protection moving forward, and his.
But all this to say, yes,
I can tell you that my first husband and I owned our condo, and I left that condo during the separation, and it had no effect on the distribution of assets. Had the divorce been more contentious, maybe that would have been a thing, but as it was, we agreed I had three years to buy him out of the condo post-divorce, at interest.
All that is to say, call a lawyer today. For both your protection moving forward, and his.
But all this to say, yes,
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Thank you, I didn't think me leaving would have an effect on property division but my mom had me worried for a moment. I looked up the laws for my state, and it says just as much. Anything that was mine before we were married I am free to take with me. He can not just keep things we purchased together, and he can't disallow me to return to the home (apparently that's an illegal eviction or something). So that gives me peace of mind.
If we can divide up our furniture/belongings/finances without getting a judge involved, I'd like to do that.
My friend gave me the name of an attorney so I'll be calling them after work.
I guess I can ask her my other questions but just in case anyone knows-- do I need to tell my boss? Obviously I'll have to redirect my paycheck deposits into my personal account and refill out my W-4 form since I originally filled it out as 'two-earners, multiple incomes'.
If we can divide up our furniture/belongings/finances without getting a judge involved, I'd like to do that.
My friend gave me the name of an attorney so I'll be calling them after work.
I guess I can ask her my other questions but just in case anyone knows-- do I need to tell my boss? Obviously I'll have to redirect my paycheck deposits into my personal account and refill out my W-4 form since I originally filled it out as 'two-earners, multiple incomes'.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Do you have an HR person? They can help you navigate the paycheck, W-4, and any other logistical questions--particularly insurance, if he happens to be on yours or you on his.
I don't know what your relationship with your boss is like. I told mine, but that was because I needed time to navigate the process. We were close and I didn't have any qualms about sharing it--but I don't believe I was legally obligated to let anyone know or anything like that (apart from the insurance--he had to be removed from mine the day the divorce was finalized).
I don't know what your relationship with your boss is like. I told mine, but that was because I needed time to navigate the process. We were close and I didn't have any qualms about sharing it--but I don't believe I was legally obligated to let anyone know or anything like that (apart from the insurance--he had to be removed from mine the day the divorce was finalized).
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We don't have an HR person....I work for a very small library and our fiscal officer handles the paperwork for things like that. I'll talk to her at some point this week.
I'm getting way ahead of myself, but I'm just imagining the horrible awkwardness of anyone (work, family, etc) asking about my husband....
I'm going to overwhelm myself though. One step at a time.
I'm getting way ahead of myself, but I'm just imagining the horrible awkwardness of anyone (work, family, etc) asking about my husband....
I'm going to overwhelm myself though. One step at a time.
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emmab…..here is the link to the website that sparklekitty spoke of.....it is arranged by state, and is educational in nature. It can help you to organize your thoughts and questions before you talk to your attorney.
emmab….if you are a librarian...that means that you are really smart....! I must say that I am a bit surprised that you, with all of your access to information, have never checked into your rights.....
I am not a lawyer...but, I believe that you mother might be talking about "desertion".....
If your husband knows your destination...that is not the same as disappearing into thin air.....
It also sounds like he doesn't have the money or the mental clarity to finance a complicated or contentious divorce.....
Here is the link.....
www.womansdivorce.com
emmab….if you are a librarian...that means that you are really smart....! I must say that I am a bit surprised that you, with all of your access to information, have never checked into your rights.....
I am not a lawyer...but, I believe that you mother might be talking about "desertion".....
If your husband knows your destination...that is not the same as disappearing into thin air.....
It also sounds like he doesn't have the money or the mental clarity to finance a complicated or contentious divorce.....
Here is the link.....
www.womansdivorce.com
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I think I can be smart sometimes, but in this case I've only briefly looked into my rights because part of me kept hoping I would never have to really go through with it.
So yes, now I am reading up extensively.
I really don't know if he will make this difficult for me or not. He's a very defensive person and tends to twist words to make himself look like the victim. So while part of me could see him choosing not to fight me and just letting it happen, there is another part of me that worries he's going to make this hell for me just to be spiteful. I've watched him act that way towards others, when things don't go the way he wants.
So yes, now I am reading up extensively.
I really don't know if he will make this difficult for me or not. He's a very defensive person and tends to twist words to make himself look like the victim. So while part of me could see him choosing not to fight me and just letting it happen, there is another part of me that worries he's going to make this hell for me just to be spiteful. I've watched him act that way towards others, when things don't go the way he wants.
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I would also add that walking away with nothing was what I chose to do.
"Stuff" is just stuff. Peace of mind is priceless. If you don't have significant property or money, then that actually makes it easier, IMO.
I left (or asked my husband to leave) and I asked for nothing in the divorce. We were only together for under five years, so I wouldn't have been awarded any money anyway - not that he had any. Nor did I, really. I didn't have a job and only had $3000. I survived, bought new stuff, in a few years I bought a condo. I just think it's smart to get a legal separation because you never know what kind of crazy is going to come out when an active alcoholic finds out s/he's losing control. Protect yourself.
At the very least he's going to be drinking a lot more. That costs money. So do new video games, porn online, gambling online, shopping, drugs, or whatever other things he decides while under the influence and angry/out of control.
"Stuff" is just stuff. Peace of mind is priceless. If you don't have significant property or money, then that actually makes it easier, IMO.
I left (or asked my husband to leave) and I asked for nothing in the divorce. We were only together for under five years, so I wouldn't have been awarded any money anyway - not that he had any. Nor did I, really. I didn't have a job and only had $3000. I survived, bought new stuff, in a few years I bought a condo. I just think it's smart to get a legal separation because you never know what kind of crazy is going to come out when an active alcoholic finds out s/he's losing control. Protect yourself.
At the very least he's going to be drinking a lot more. That costs money. So do new video games, porn online, gambling online, shopping, drugs, or whatever other things he decides while under the influence and angry/out of control.
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emmab...your mother already knows. In today's world...divorce is no longer a shocking event. Most people are too consumed with trying to lead their own lives, from day to day, to spend very much time obsessing over yours....
If they do ask....remember that you don't have to indulge them if you don't want to. You don't have to please.
I think that it is enough to just smile and say, "We are getting divorced...so you can imagine that I don't like talking about it"...….
Those with have a brain will get the hint.....
If they do ask....remember that you don't have to indulge them if you don't want to. You don't have to please.
I think that it is enough to just smile and say, "We are getting divorced...so you can imagine that I don't like talking about it"...….
Those with have a brain will get the hint.....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I'm not going to lie and say there was no awkardness surrounding the logistics of getting divorced. But I can assure you of a couple of things:
1) As you grow in confidence in understanding this was the best thing for you, that awkwardness will get easier to navigate.
2) Other people care a LOT less about our personal lives than we are certain that they do
3) It's no one else's business. I deferred a lot of awkwardness by saying "I'm sorry you haven't heard but Ex and I are no longer together, and if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not discuss it." My first husband was not an addict, which made things a lot easier for both of us. He and I survived the divorce, all the awkwardness and are good friends now. We each took our time to deal with the fallout separately, and that has made all the difference.
He is going to have his version of events, and you are going to have yours. This will be exacerbated by his denial and addiction. Eventually you will learn that it is better to be at peace than to be "right". The people who take sides against you in this are not people you want in your life anyway.
Sending lots of strength and support, emme. You're going to be okay.
1) As you grow in confidence in understanding this was the best thing for you, that awkwardness will get easier to navigate.
2) Other people care a LOT less about our personal lives than we are certain that they do
3) It's no one else's business. I deferred a lot of awkwardness by saying "I'm sorry you haven't heard but Ex and I are no longer together, and if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not discuss it." My first husband was not an addict, which made things a lot easier for both of us. He and I survived the divorce, all the awkwardness and are good friends now. We each took our time to deal with the fallout separately, and that has made all the difference.
He is going to have his version of events, and you are going to have yours. This will be exacerbated by his denial and addiction. Eventually you will learn that it is better to be at peace than to be "right". The people who take sides against you in this are not people you want in your life anyway.
Sending lots of strength and support, emme. You're going to be okay.
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