He can't accept the fact that I'm leaving
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
at this point, to assure your safety and any remaining belongings, getting your stuff out ASAP with someone along (ie NOT ALONE) is your best option. it's time to assume the worst. it's like the difference between living in Hurricane Alley and a real live hurricane about 6 hours away.
he knows why you are leaving. the relationship has been disintegrating for a long time. this isn't a NEW thing, only the fact that this time you are taking action. it exposes him and his drinking.
be safe, be smart, be swift.
protect your finances. you aren't leaving him destitute and without means.
he knows why you are leaving. the relationship has been disintegrating for a long time. this isn't a NEW thing, only the fact that this time you are taking action. it exposes him and his drinking.
be safe, be smart, be swift.
protect your finances. you aren't leaving him destitute and without means.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
If you are feeling like your safety might be at risk, one thing you can do is call you local police non emergency number, and ask if you can get a police escort for when you pick up your stuff. It depends on your state (if in the US) as to whether or not you need a court order for this, but in some areas, the cops will come and meet you. It wouldn’t hurt to ask, if the situation has become unsafe and/ or unpredictable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I'm hanging in there. As best I can.
It's just such a mess. My landlord isn't taking this well at all, which is putting a lot of extra stress on me and in turn making things about a hundred times worse between AH and I.
It is partially my fault...it's not a full 30 days notice but this has all been happening so fast and suddenly. And I have no idea what AH is planning on doing as he won't speak to me about any of this. Avoidance is his tactic for everything right now. The last thing I want is any sort of eviction or negative impact on my credit history.
I'm not sure what AH expected when I said I was moving out...maybe that I wouldn't actually do it.
I am definitely going to ask for help moving out this week though. My dad has a truck, and have friends who have already offered to lend a hand. I think at this point it's probably my safest bet.
It's just such a mess. My landlord isn't taking this well at all, which is putting a lot of extra stress on me and in turn making things about a hundred times worse between AH and I.
It is partially my fault...it's not a full 30 days notice but this has all been happening so fast and suddenly. And I have no idea what AH is planning on doing as he won't speak to me about any of this. Avoidance is his tactic for everything right now. The last thing I want is any sort of eviction or negative impact on my credit history.
I'm not sure what AH expected when I said I was moving out...maybe that I wouldn't actually do it.
I am definitely going to ask for help moving out this week though. My dad has a truck, and have friends who have already offered to lend a hand. I think at this point it's probably my safest bet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
So change your notice to 30-days-from-the-date-you-told-the-landlord. It's a week or two...so you end up paying one quarter of a month's rent.
Not worth getting worked up over that part and it may be the best thing to do to protect yourself from legal fees should the landlord file a suit. Landlords generally are not full of rainbows when this kind of thing happens, regardless. The landlord knows it's going to be messy, and that he's likely going to have to re-rent it and possibly evict your husband. I'd get an attorney involved ASAP.
Did you get your finances legally separated, and file that? Anything he does financially will come back to bite you without that Legal Separation. Sounds like from what you said he is going to spiral. Protect yourself before it ends up costing tens of thousands of dollars, not just one paycheck or a quarter month's rent.
Not worth getting worked up over that part and it may be the best thing to do to protect yourself from legal fees should the landlord file a suit. Landlords generally are not full of rainbows when this kind of thing happens, regardless. The landlord knows it's going to be messy, and that he's likely going to have to re-rent it and possibly evict your husband. I'd get an attorney involved ASAP.
Did you get your finances legally separated, and file that? Anything he does financially will come back to bite you without that Legal Separation. Sounds like from what you said he is going to spiral. Protect yourself before it ends up costing tens of thousands of dollars, not just one paycheck or a quarter month's rent.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
You may just have to eat up June, if you can afford it, or come up with some sort of payment plan to cough it up. If it's the price you have to pay to earn your freedom, then it's money well spent. I wouldn't necessarily rely on charging the last month against any deposit you have- you don't know what your AH will do to the apartment as a last laugh.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Keep the joint savings as insurance on damage / fallout from AH and the house--you can return any remainder once the dust settles. When he demands it, tell him once he's out and the house is returned in good condition to the landlord, or if he signs an individual lease with the landlord, he can have his share. That will be at least some incentive for him to not trash the place as some sort of childish revenge for you leaving.
Yes, go with other people when he is working to get your stuff. Get it in one go and don't go back again.
Yes, pro-rate the amount of difference in the thirty days to the landlord--again, do it in writing and let the landlord know that you have met the conditions of 30 days notice. That way if it comes up in court, you will have a much stronger case.
Yes, that legal separation paperwork should have been filed last week. If not, do it today even if time off work. You are on the hook financially until that happens.
Get the stuff out ASAP--maybe in the next two days?
BE SAFE!
Yes, go with other people when he is working to get your stuff. Get it in one go and don't go back again.
Yes, pro-rate the amount of difference in the thirty days to the landlord--again, do it in writing and let the landlord know that you have met the conditions of 30 days notice. That way if it comes up in court, you will have a much stronger case.
Yes, that legal separation paperwork should have been filed last week. If not, do it today even if time off work. You are on the hook financially until that happens.
Get the stuff out ASAP--maybe in the next two days?
BE SAFE!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Sorry for so many updates but putting it all out here like this is keeping me sane.
The landlord and I ended up having a long discussion, and afterwards he was much more sympathetic to my situation and willing to work with me. We’ve been ideal tenants, so I think that’s helped. His one request was that I try and find out AH plans first because he didn’t want to call and have it feel like an ambush.
So I decided to do the adult thing and talk to AH. It made me feel like I was kicking a puppy. I had the conversation in person and he was civil but so clearly dejected. Kept saying how he couldn’t believe I was actually doing this, that I was really leaving him. That I’ve been so cruel and cold. Asked where I was moving and I just said I had an apartment somewhere to which he rolled his eyes and said “congratulations, good for you for leaving me”. Kept saying it. And then told me he hasn’t told a single person about this because he feels like a loser that his wife is leaving him. Which is concerning because he needs some support. And when I said as much, his response was just “well I had you and now I don’t”.
I went in feeling angry and in control. I left feeling terrible and cried the whole way to my friends house.
He at at least agreed to a conversation at some point about dividing our belongings but my god. This is so hard.
Legal separation is underway and finances have been split. I’m handling things, trying to be mechanical about this otherwise I’ll fall apart. I know it sounds insane but I miss him and doubt creeps in constantly on whether or not I’m doing the right thing, if I should have given more chances, etc. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I just hope one year from now I’ll be in a place where I can look back and say I did what I needed to do.
The landlord and I ended up having a long discussion, and afterwards he was much more sympathetic to my situation and willing to work with me. We’ve been ideal tenants, so I think that’s helped. His one request was that I try and find out AH plans first because he didn’t want to call and have it feel like an ambush.
So I decided to do the adult thing and talk to AH. It made me feel like I was kicking a puppy. I had the conversation in person and he was civil but so clearly dejected. Kept saying how he couldn’t believe I was actually doing this, that I was really leaving him. That I’ve been so cruel and cold. Asked where I was moving and I just said I had an apartment somewhere to which he rolled his eyes and said “congratulations, good for you for leaving me”. Kept saying it. And then told me he hasn’t told a single person about this because he feels like a loser that his wife is leaving him. Which is concerning because he needs some support. And when I said as much, his response was just “well I had you and now I don’t”.
I went in feeling angry and in control. I left feeling terrible and cried the whole way to my friends house.
He at at least agreed to a conversation at some point about dividing our belongings but my god. This is so hard.
Legal separation is underway and finances have been split. I’m handling things, trying to be mechanical about this otherwise I’ll fall apart. I know it sounds insane but I miss him and doubt creeps in constantly on whether or not I’m doing the right thing, if I should have given more chances, etc. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I just hope one year from now I’ll be in a place where I can look back and say I did what I needed to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Just my own humble opinion here, but a mature and (truly) loving response from your husband to this should look something like "I love you and I want you to be happy. With or without me. I've got no one to blame but myself for this. I'll let you go, and if you should ever need me, I'll be here".
In the meantime he uses this time to pull his head out of his a** and reflect upon the kind of person he has been to you. And maybe, just maybe, he can finally begin to change.
Stay the course. You may be saving his life. Rock bottom has changed more alcoholics than love and sympathy ever will.
In the meantime he uses this time to pull his head out of his a** and reflect upon the kind of person he has been to you. And maybe, just maybe, he can finally begin to change.
Stay the course. You may be saving his life. Rock bottom has changed more alcoholics than love and sympathy ever will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Emma- I am on a similar boat. Just a few days ago, when I told my AH that I can no longer to this "back and forth" anymore (getting back together but nothing really changing and then inevitably I end up detaching and becoming cold), he told me that I was just giving up on the marriage and how can I do that, etc. He told me that I didn't/am not trying to make it work at all. That I never tried. Wow.
It is so incredibly hard. You are right, it feels like you are kicking a puppy, a wounded puppy. That's how bad it feels... I will tell you what I have been telling myself, knowing that there is no easy way to end things with an A. Breaking up in general is tough but more complex and painful with an A who likely has other underlying issues. I am not going to say he is being manipulative or wanting to take you on a guilt trip' to guilt you into staying or just trying to make you feel bad. While these things may be true, I just don't want to see AH like a victim any more. Someone I need to take care of...I am sure you are feeling like sh!t too. We are entitled to feel the way we feel. Let him go through the motions and emotions and pick himself up from this fall out, just like you are. We all made choices and I will need to live with mine. I may have regrets in the future about my current decisions but at least I will be able to say that I fought for myself and not drown in an unhappy marriage.
I have been with my family for a few days so I have the advantage of having some distance and clarity. But I am riddled with guilt, fear, and anxiety. Despite the fact that nothing much has changed over the past 2-3 years in my relationship with AH and his behaviors. I still feel like I am breaking my vows and letting him down in a time of need (he has told me as much in the past, btw which adds to the guilt). But will his "time of need" be another year or 40 years? Where do I fit in, do I fit in at all? Someone told me on this forum that I am his #3, at best, on my AH's list. 1) Alcohol, 2) his job, and 3) me (at best). It is the truth...as hard as it is to swallow.
I am in the middle of trying to enforce a separation (filed for divorce already though but mistakenly have tried to work things out without success; currently on NC) so my thoughts are clouded with guilt and anxiety, so whatever I write on this forum may be off but I wanted to post to tell you that you are not alone. Sorry to add my story to yours and thanks for letting me vent...
Emma- I do believe that a year from now, you will look back and say that you made the right choices even if right now, you may not feel that you are.
It is so incredibly hard. You are right, it feels like you are kicking a puppy, a wounded puppy. That's how bad it feels... I will tell you what I have been telling myself, knowing that there is no easy way to end things with an A. Breaking up in general is tough but more complex and painful with an A who likely has other underlying issues. I am not going to say he is being manipulative or wanting to take you on a guilt trip' to guilt you into staying or just trying to make you feel bad. While these things may be true, I just don't want to see AH like a victim any more. Someone I need to take care of...I am sure you are feeling like sh!t too. We are entitled to feel the way we feel. Let him go through the motions and emotions and pick himself up from this fall out, just like you are. We all made choices and I will need to live with mine. I may have regrets in the future about my current decisions but at least I will be able to say that I fought for myself and not drown in an unhappy marriage.
I have been with my family for a few days so I have the advantage of having some distance and clarity. But I am riddled with guilt, fear, and anxiety. Despite the fact that nothing much has changed over the past 2-3 years in my relationship with AH and his behaviors. I still feel like I am breaking my vows and letting him down in a time of need (he has told me as much in the past, btw which adds to the guilt). But will his "time of need" be another year or 40 years? Where do I fit in, do I fit in at all? Someone told me on this forum that I am his #3, at best, on my AH's list. 1) Alcohol, 2) his job, and 3) me (at best). It is the truth...as hard as it is to swallow.
I am in the middle of trying to enforce a separation (filed for divorce already though but mistakenly have tried to work things out without success; currently on NC) so my thoughts are clouded with guilt and anxiety, so whatever I write on this forum may be off but I wanted to post to tell you that you are not alone. Sorry to add my story to yours and thanks for letting me vent...
Emma- I do believe that a year from now, you will look back and say that you made the right choices even if right now, you may not feel that you are.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
These guilt ploys are so self-centered it's incredible.
I can see someone ASKING if you would like to try again and for <insert reason here>, but blaming you for not trying? First of all it's not true and secondly it's manipulation in one of its most horrible forms. To try to get someone to do something REGARDLESS of your part in whatever situation has brought you here and ignoring the other persons pain.
He has been sucked further and further in to addiction since you got married. He participates less and less in the household. You have tried to talk to him and he plays it off. The reason being he doesn't want to change.
His idea of cutting down on alcohol is having a bit less during the week and upping the binge on the weekend.
Truly alcoholics are not thinking straight, not when they are sober-ish and certainly not when drunk. Their thinking is impaired so perhaps they can be forgiven for this - stuff.
That does not mean you are making the wrong decision. Your feelings of anger and hurt are totally normal in my opinion. Someone said something to you to purposefully hurt you and you feel bad, it's normal to feel that way. But again, the fact that someone is trying to get their way by hurting you, does not mean what you are doing is wrong.
Please don't apologize for posting, we are here for you. This is not easy!
You are doing the "next right thing" Emma, not easy but right. The absolute least contact with him you can have the better.
I can see someone ASKING if you would like to try again and for <insert reason here>, but blaming you for not trying? First of all it's not true and secondly it's manipulation in one of its most horrible forms. To try to get someone to do something REGARDLESS of your part in whatever situation has brought you here and ignoring the other persons pain.
He has been sucked further and further in to addiction since you got married. He participates less and less in the household. You have tried to talk to him and he plays it off. The reason being he doesn't want to change.
His idea of cutting down on alcohol is having a bit less during the week and upping the binge on the weekend.
Truly alcoholics are not thinking straight, not when they are sober-ish and certainly not when drunk. Their thinking is impaired so perhaps they can be forgiven for this - stuff.
That does not mean you are making the wrong decision. Your feelings of anger and hurt are totally normal in my opinion. Someone said something to you to purposefully hurt you and you feel bad, it's normal to feel that way. But again, the fact that someone is trying to get their way by hurting you, does not mean what you are doing is wrong.
Please don't apologize for posting, we are here for you. This is not easy!
You are doing the "next right thing" Emma, not easy but right. The absolute least contact with him you can have the better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Emma, he isn't acting this way for a single one of the reasons he is giving.
He is acting this way for one reason alone: You dared to upset his status quo.
He has never wanted things to get better. He has always wanted them to stay exactly the same. Regardless of how lonely and ignored and unfulfilled YOU have been.
I have been on this board almost seven years, and I can't TELL you the number of times I have seen someone give in to this kind of manipulation only to find that their addicted love one goes straight back to old behaviors once the threat to their status quo is gone--or in most cases, allow their own behavior to deteriorate.
There are so many things he could be doing to actually improve the situation, but the only effort he is making is geared toward making YOU change your mind.
I promise you, my friend that with some actual space and distance from him and this situation your perspective will change.
He is acting this way for one reason alone: You dared to upset his status quo.
He has never wanted things to get better. He has always wanted them to stay exactly the same. Regardless of how lonely and ignored and unfulfilled YOU have been.
I have been on this board almost seven years, and I can't TELL you the number of times I have seen someone give in to this kind of manipulation only to find that their addicted love one goes straight back to old behaviors once the threat to their status quo is gone--or in most cases, allow their own behavior to deteriorate.
There are so many things he could be doing to actually improve the situation, but the only effort he is making is geared toward making YOU change your mind.
I promise you, my friend that with some actual space and distance from him and this situation your perspective will change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he is NOT a puppy.
nor a small child left in the middle of Walmart.
he is a full grown adult who has heard you talk about how his drinking affects you, how you want him to get help, cut back, ease up on the video games, etc etc etc for YEARS.
he's going for Sad and Helpless cuz he know it WORKS.
his agenda is to get you to stop this nonsense about moving because he drinks too much, and just get back to being his hostage.
there is only one person he is interesting in changing......and it ain't him.
nor a small child left in the middle of Walmart.
he is a full grown adult who has heard you talk about how his drinking affects you, how you want him to get help, cut back, ease up on the video games, etc etc etc for YEARS.
he's going for Sad and Helpless cuz he know it WORKS.
his agenda is to get you to stop this nonsense about moving because he drinks too much, and just get back to being his hostage.
there is only one person he is interesting in changing......and it ain't him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emmab…..he has hurt you, over and over, for a very long time. He doesn't appreciate your hurt and your pain because everything is seen, by him, through the filter of alcoholism. Alcoholism doesn't give a twit about your hurt and pain.
He has hurt you before, and he will do it again...if you give him the opportunity to do it , again.....
The choice is yours....whether you want to go down that path, once again....
I pray that you stay the course and make the right decision for your own welfare....
Besides, your being there has not prevented him from drinking.....and, it never would....
He has hurt you before, and he will do it again...if you give him the opportunity to do it , again.....
The choice is yours....whether you want to go down that path, once again....
I pray that you stay the course and make the right decision for your own welfare....
Besides, your being there has not prevented him from drinking.....and, it never would....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thank you all, your responses really mean a lot to me.
I know I'm making the right choice...he's so quick to blame me. For not trying harder, for putting a wall between us, for giving up, for leaving. Yet he has not stopped drinking. He had a beer in his hand when we had this conversation yesterday. He also still can't take responsibility for just one thing. The closest he came was when I told him how lonely and unhappy I've been and he said 'that wasn't my intention'. I will get no apologies because he believes this to be my fault. And that's fine. I go back and reread my old posts when doubt creeps in, or I read responses from all of you.
I am staying the course. I will not go back. Especially considering he is not even now showing the initiative to change or take any responsibility. I'm keeping my distance for my own sanity, so if he'd like to see that as being cruel so be it.
I'm proud of myself for even coming this far after a year and a half of saying I was going to and then getting sucked right back into the cycle.
As sad as I am now, I was just as sad in our marriage.
I know I'm making the right choice...he's so quick to blame me. For not trying harder, for putting a wall between us, for giving up, for leaving. Yet he has not stopped drinking. He had a beer in his hand when we had this conversation yesterday. He also still can't take responsibility for just one thing. The closest he came was when I told him how lonely and unhappy I've been and he said 'that wasn't my intention'. I will get no apologies because he believes this to be my fault. And that's fine. I go back and reread my old posts when doubt creeps in, or I read responses from all of you.
I am staying the course. I will not go back. Especially considering he is not even now showing the initiative to change or take any responsibility. I'm keeping my distance for my own sanity, so if he'd like to see that as being cruel so be it.
I'm proud of myself for even coming this far after a year and a half of saying I was going to and then getting sucked right back into the cycle.
As sad as I am now, I was just as sad in our marriage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
...he needs some support. And when I said as much, his response was just “well I had you and now I don’t”.
The fact that he has no one else to turn to is more of a statement about him rather than you. My sister has had friends disconnect from her over the years - it just gets to the point where enough is enough. I know that I certainly hit my threshold.
Now is the time for HIM to exercise some self-reflection. And if you try to look in the mirror for him, all you do is get in the way.
The same principle applies to you... if all you do is look at him, you'll never be able to reflect on what's happened and learn the lessons that were to be gained from the experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And if you try to look in the mirror for him, all you do is get in the way.
eegads, that might be THE most brilliant thing i've ever read, seen or heard!!!
this deserves the WOW smilie, but i can't find the damn thing!
so.....
WOW!!!!!
eegads, that might be THE most brilliant thing i've ever read, seen or heard!!!
this deserves the WOW smilie, but i can't find the damn thing!
so.....
WOW!!!!!
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