Did I do the right thing? Feeling guilty and sad - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Did I do the right thing? Feeling guilty and sad


My alcoholic boyfriend has kept me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 6 months, but the past month has been the worst! He has been in sober living facilities but relapsed multiple times, each time a little more spectacularly, I'm sad to say. He got a DUI in February, and was supposed to appear in court last week. This precipitated another major deep dive into the bottle. As the week went on it got worse, to the point that he was living in his car and drinking to a dangerous level. By Sunday he was having some medical issues, with numbness on one side of his body, and he started to talk about not wanting to go on. He has threatened suicide before, so that got my attention. I found him in his car, in a really bad state. I took his keys, and made him get in my car. From there I took him straight to the emergency room. He was so drunk he couldn't speak for himself, so I told the dr everything, including the suicidal ideations. After an evaluation he was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility an hour and a half away from here. He went in the ambulance so I didn't see where he ended up. It was very traumatic for him and me both, and now I'm feeling extremely guilty. He called me this evening, absolutely livid with me for putting him there. He said it isn't a hospital, it's a lockup with no medical care, and that now I have made his life worse than it was to start with. He no longer wants to have me in his life, which hurts a little but is understandable. I love him, but his addiction, and undiagnosed mental illness, have become unbearable for me, but is has been so hard to sit back and watch without taking action to help him. Should I have just left him drinking in his car, and just walked away from what might have happened? Is his anger a result of him facing the reality of where his addiction has taken him? Or is the fact that he blames me for putting him there an indication that he is still not ready to take accountability for his actions? I'm just feeling tired, confused and guilty about the whole situation.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Angel, sorry for the situation you are in, that is tough.

First of all, be sure to look after yourself. There is an acronym to help - HALT are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

Right now you are probably all of these things. It's really important under times of stress to take care of these things so that you can think straight and be less stressed.

As for your Abf, well, he drank himself to oblivion in a car, was numb on one side and talked about not wanting to go on. That sounds like a situation where you would call for professional help and that's what you did, I don't see any problem with what you did, you did the responsible thing.

Now, the fact that he has sobered up and doesn't like where he is. Is that your responsibility or his? If he hadn't called you and basically threatened suicide, you would not have reacted as you did. What did he expect, that you would just say so-long then!

What if the numbness had been a sign of a stroke, if he had a stroke would he have been calling you to thank you for leaving him there after he called you, for him not having to endure the restrictions of the hospital. Somehow I doubt it.

The thing is, he may or may not want help, but how are you to know that? I'm sure he wasn't talking sense.

No real way to know where his anger is coming from, he may not even know. You ask if his attitude is an indication of him not being ready to take accountability. Absolutely. That may indicate he is not ready to get sober either, no way to know.

Regardless, this is a good time, while he is not there, to focus back on yourself and what you want in your life. Have you attended Al-Anon at all?
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I think that you did the right thing and maybe he will see that in the future.
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Old 04-16-2019, 11:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You did the right thing, and you KNOW you did the right thing. Just because HE lays the blame on you for his predicament, doesn't mean you have to accept that blame. He knows you love and care for him, which is the string he pulls to manipulate you.

But remember, it was the doctor who had him hospitalized, not you. He's not getting medical care? What kind does he think he needs at this point? I'm sure the nurses aren't going to wait on him hand and foot and give him back rubs with meals in bed! (Humor)

The fact that it's an involuntary commitment, is a blessing. It takes YOU out of the picture. You can't control it, but HE can. When he gets with the program and cooperates, they'll discuss it.

In the meantime, rest and quit beating up on yourself while he's away. Treat your self like your best friend who's going thru a tough time right now. Take yourself out for a bite to eat, buy yourself some flowers, run a bubble bath light some candles...whatever it is that feels truly special to you. You can even set the table with a cloth and candles and eat your burger by candle light...Get the drift?
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Old 04-17-2019, 12:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sorry you have this situation going on.

You did the right thing, he is blaming you as that is what alcoholics do.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel65 View Post
... is the fact that he blames me for putting him there an indication that he is still not ready to take accountability for his actions?
He is nowhere in the galaxy of being ready to take responsibility for his actions. Most active alcoholics either blame others, blame circumstances or douse themselves with negative self-judgement - none of which is anywhere near what we mean when we talk about productive responsibility taking.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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He called me this evening, absolutely livid with me for putting him there. He said it isn't a hospital, it's a lockup with no medical care, and that now I have made his life worse than it was to start with. He no longer wants to have me in his life, which hurts a little but is understandable.

he entered the treatment facility sunday (?).
it is now three days later.
he is not capable of accurately assessing his circumstances in a coherent detached way.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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When someone says they will commit suicide you take them to the hospital. Period. He's manipulating you with his threats and I hope you can get to Alanon, which taught me a great deal about dealing with an alcoholic. He's a mess, but you didn't cause it and can't cure it. This isn't the relationship you want and I hope you break free. Speaking as an alcoholic (27 years in recovery), I can say sobriety is only in his hands and there is nothing you can say or do that will stop him drinking. My heart goes out to you! Big hug,
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Old 04-18-2019, 02:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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His problem was that he was sobering up, and I bet he hasn't done that for a while. No wonder he's livid, it's virtually unforgivable.

Even though you had no choice, I hope you will keep your distance now.
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