PerSe

This is something I am working on bigtime! Only now as I was just reading through these replies did I just realize that so many times in my relationship with AH, when I would express my needs or my concerns, they would often be dismissed. Or other times there was insinuation from him that I was being selfish for asking or going after things I wanted. I find this to be a really challenging thought pattern to overcome.

But I believe we can overcome it through meditation, continuous study of co-dependency, reaching out for support when we need help, and an ongoing attitude of self-compassion. We can do it! Loving and respecting ourselves in thought and in deed is an essential part of living a peaceful life and being well.

Glenjo99

Codependency is being too busy reacting, over or under reacting. "Melody Beattie".

People have different styles of reacting. One person might withdraw, while another attacks. It’s important to identify my reactive behavior and learn to detach rather than react.

Glenjo99

I agree with you on this. Until I discovered I was codependent I always thought that other people's needs came before mine and that's just how it was. Imagine! I didn't even feel like I deserved to have them met.

I always wondered, for years, how some people were treated with respect while doing very little, and others like myself would wear myself thin doing things for others and be treated like crap.

The penny finally dropped in this whole process of learning. Those people who are seemingly doing very little but earn respect, command it because they value themselves, their needs and their wants. When we love ourselves, put us as top priority and feel we are worthy of having our needs/wants met, guess what, we feel happier and in turn we get respect. How could anyone put me on their priority list if I didn't put myself there?

The old adage is true, if we don't love ourselves first no one else can. At least not in a healthy authentic way.

Mango212

Glenjo & PerSe, beautifully put. Thank you.

NYCDoglvr

........an addiction to a toxic person.

Piperdream

PeacefulWater12

For me, I think as I see it now is -

me putting all my focus onto AH to avoid me having to step up and sort my own issues out.

Glenjo99

I recognise this in myself too. When I'm focused on another I don't have to look at all my stuff, all of issues. That's where the real work is.

pdm22

Has anyone read Peter Walker’s book, “Complex PTSD, From Surviving To Thriving”? He explains the fight/ flight/ freeze/fawn responses to trauma and abuse. The way he explains codependency here in the “fawn” response makes a lot of sense to me:

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Glenjo99

Excellent article. This line stood out to me. "I find it particularly disturbing the way some codependents can be as unceasingly loyal as a dog to even the worst “master”. Wow!

hearthealth

A dog is afraid of their worse master. The dog will do what it wants in secret from the master. The dig will keep his eyes on the master. The dog won't let the master get close to him unless it has to.

trailmix

When the solution becomes the trap.

Jiggs

Codependency is........

​​​​​​For my wife and I it's a mental addiction where we were constantly trying to save, protect and change that blonde haired, blue eyed, ever smiling toddler at any expense while ignoring the lazy, lying, thieving manipulating drug addicted adult he has become.

We have finally come to the realization that we need to address this addiction as it is affecting us physically, mentally and financially, not unlike what our son's addiction is doing to him.

FallenAngelina

This just hit me - wow.

I'm three weeks into NC from my XABF and am only just now realizing the many ways that I have been shrinking myself in efforts to have kept the peace. Cutting him loose has been extremely painful, but I am no longer trapped in the "solution" to remaining involved with a very active alcoholic. Thanks for this.

endofmyrope65

Co-Dependancy...
Inter-Dependancy...
Benevolence...
Compassion...

I am totally confused.
I just know that people treat you the way that you let them.
And I like giving and doing for others cause it feels good to me.
Some people are just assholes.

Lunchbox1

Glenjo99

That's interesting that you mention you don't know how to reappear. I feel like that at the moment. I know that I need to love myself more, deal with inner child stuff and basically stop dragging my low self esteem around like an old bag of rubbish (as melody Beattie puts it).

But I'm struggling, had been doing pretty well with believing I deserve my needs and wants met but last few days I'm struggling to believe and find some old negative thought processes are never that far away.

FallenAngelina

This is where AlAnon meetings, friends and phone lists can be really, really helpful. When we enter AlAnon, we are much like the As entering AA - quite vulnerable and new in our recovery. We need an enormous amount of support and healthy modeling. Sitting in meetings is just one piece of AlAnon. A sponsor and long time members can be our lifeline to a better way of thinking, as can be daily meditation and service in the program. We don't have a drinking problem, but we do have a thinking problem, just like a newly sober alcoholic. Sure, we have removed the person - and that does bring a great deal of peace - but we have done little to change our familiar ways of negative thinking. This is why a whole recovery program is just as important for us as it is for an alcoholic. The only difference between "us" and "them" is that we don't get chips, but we need an ongoing community that supports and encourages healthy change, just the same. Trying to go it alone in codependence recovery is akin to being a dry drunk.

Glenjo99

Makes a lot of sense.

Glenjo99

Good article on here this week about Approval addiction. Sounds exactly like codependency.

"Approval addiction is the inherent urge to have everyone agree with or approve whatever you say, do or think. In short, you depend on other people's approval in order to feel valued. This can cloud every aspect of your life to the extent of living in fear of others' disapproval. As such, you may be ready to do anything to avoid such a response. You may even unconsciously “over serve” others or take responsibility for things that are beyond your scope just to escape disapproval or rejection."