Codependency is...................?
 

I feel I need a refresher from the many knowledgeable people in here about what codependency is to you.

"The best way to avoid codependent relationships is to prioritize the relationship with you and strive to stay in holistic balance. Constantly evolving and healing the self from past traumas while incorporating a healthy lifestyle and nurturing the holistic self (physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual) is the best way to prevent yourself from entering into codependent relationships". Quote from SR today.

So for me codependency is amongst other things, saying yes when I really mean no, and apologising for things that are not even my fault.....

Codependency is.......

Thinking you need to be in a relationship to be happy, and thinking that to be single is the saddest thing that could ever happen to an adult. Thinking that your very survival would be at stake if something were to happen to affect your marriage / primary relationship.

codependency is the fixation on The Other to the exclusion of The Self.

I thought it was the expectation of the other to fill your needs in the way you see fit.

I am still learning what co-dependency is too! So wow, I'm grateful for this thread!

Part of how I understand and experience co-dependency is allowing outside factors (mood of AH, whether AH was drinking or not, behavior of kids, how friendly or unfriendly a random person may have seemed, and other random stuff) determine my mood/feeling of well-being at any given time. The more I focus my attention inward and recognize that I do have a choice in how I allow things to affect me, the more peace I feel, and the less co-dependent I feel.

I'm sure there's a lot more to it than that, but that's my start!

:tyou

I think just like alcoholism, codependency is experienced differently by everyone with some common threads.

Which makes this a really interesting thread!

This is how I experience codependency, as well. When someone else has extreme influence over my mood. Even thinking about what the other person might be up to or might be thinking can influence my mood. When I look outside myself and feel that this person can reach inside me, sending me into highest highs and lowest lows just by being who they are - that is codependence to me.

This is why AlAnon is so great because I learn how to look within for guidance and set the tone for the relationship instead of always reacting to the other person.

I disappeared in the relationship and I don't know how to reappear.

That's interesting. I find I do that a lot. With the ex addict I was all of the time guessing or assuming what he was thinking or what he was feeling. Even now with friends I'm doing that in terms of thinking they are thinking a certain way now if I turn down an invitation to meet up. In reality I can't possibly know what another is thinking, and it's actually none of my business. Definitely a codependent trait!

Read a line from "the language of letting go" by melody beattie today. She says in recovering from codependency, self care sometimes means, me first but more often its "me too". I think that's so appropriate because in the throws of Codependency we put our needs and wants bottom of the priority list and to even get to the me too is a huge achievement. We matter.

I think it's dandylion that I got this from, but my favorite definition of codependency is the "chronic neglect of Self".

It manifests in behaviors of all kinds across a massive spectrum, which to me sort of spider webs out into multiple directions in life & relationships. It's not linear or check-listable or balance-sheetable in terms of identifying or treating or correcting. Some people act codependently at times, others ARE codie to their core being.

Codependency is...making an unhealthy relationship work for you!

Sort of. If you make a lot of sacrifices and compromise a lot.
And ignore common sense.

And you car more about your public image as a nice person rather than whether this is healthy.

co-dependency is putting another first in everything, enabling them, covering for them, making excuses for them, allowing them to walk all over your boundaries, regardless of their unhealthy behavior and never asking nor receiving anything in terms of meeting your needs in return, much to your own detriment.

Piper the word minimizing is the exact word my therapist uses. It was so accurate in my case that even my attorney didn't get ready to fight for me until she saw my pictures because I was still minimizing with my words. For me I believe the hardest part was putting my needs above the needs of others - not at the expense of others which is codependent behavior. As a child I was always taught to put the other persons needs above your own (southern manners) even at the expense of your own. Its a very hard thing to retrain in my head that I am not selfish by taking care of my needs .

This is exactly what I observed with senior parents and relatives. Piperdream nailed because they wind/wound up minimizing their place in the relationship.

In the case of many alcoholic/addicted children families frequently let their adult children run amok.

Codependency is.......

the agreement I make with myself that I will work harder on your problems and your life then on my own.

Recovery - I allow joy, happiness, frustrations and a full spectrum of emotions, life and healthy connections with people who value me.

I value me.