SaveHer

So... I can pretty much anticipate the answer to this question, but I'd still like to hear it and your reasons why (or why not). My daughter's father and I split up almost two years ago because he is still very much an active alcoholic. I've dated 2-3 people since then, and nothing ever really pans out. I just met someone, and he informed me he is sober and in recovery for four years. He said he is very open and I could ask him any questions I need to about his recovery. Would you date a recovering alcoholic?

trailmix

Good question. My answer would be, probably.

I would want to know what that "recovery" looks like. Is he at AA 5 nights a week? What is his support system like.

Cautions for me would be if he has no support system in place and if he is in AA 5 times a week. Not because that's not a good thing, it probably truly is for him if that's the case but it wouldn't be good for me to have someone out at a meeting that often, if that makes sense.

Alcohol being the pivot in someone's life would not work for me. Lots of things being a pivot in someone's life would not work for me.

So I'd go ahead and ask him any questions, then think about how that affects you. You've been through a lot, would this be triggering for you?

Depending on how much that "recovery" affects his day to day life, it might well be.

atalose

Truth is I am biased so my initial thought would be NO, RUN do not even open that door but I have become more aware of alcoholism/addiction so I agree with trailmix, it would all have to depend on what his recovery looks like. And it will also depend on your ability to be able to walk away as soon as something does not feel right to you. If you have a hard time letting go of people who you’ve fallen hard for then getting involved with an alcoholic is not the right person for you to become romantically involved with.

I’d want to know:

Does he attend meetings regularly? If so, how many and how might that interfere with dating? How will that make you feel when his priority will always be either his drinking or his recovery and not you?

How many other times in his history has be become sober? How many relapses has he had? That pretty much will tell you which life he’s lived longer, the drinking life or the sober life. Remember, history does not repeat itself, people repeat history.

SmallButMighty

This is a question that pops up here from time to time. Here is a link to a post from a couple years ago.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-alcholic.html (would you marry a Recovered alcholic?)

MIRecovery

Would I date me? The answer is probably yes. Sober for 9.5 years, active program of recovery, AA 3 times a week, an awful lot of my demons have been put to bed, large support network, continue to work the steps, can envision dying sober, like myself, I’m a bizillion times more honest and humble. Still a ditz, anxiety and fear still play a role. I never forget the alcoholism was a symptom of much deeper problems.

OnlyOneProblem

LifeRecovery

Okay so I have not been willing to consider dating and I am many years past my divorce.

I felt for a long time it was about another person, but I really think for me it was about trusting myself.

For me it is about if my "saving," button gets triggered and I am trying to rescue.

It is about my own recovery, and if I am still participating in it.

It is about if I can maintain boundaries with another with love.

It is not about necessarily what another's recovery looks like but if they have one, and if they can talk about it and are engaged in keeping it......and if they are engaged in me keeping mine.

PeacefulWater12

I am not looking to date but gave the question some thought -

Hmmmm, I feel it would depend on his recovery. Does he actively work his program, does he has a sponsor/support network. If he is a dry drunk, no way. Run for the hills. Is he working the Steps or similar process?

As mentioned above, if I met him and the little codie devil inside of me started getting all excited about wanting to fix him, that would be massive red flag and I would walk away.

If the little codie devil stayed asleep, I would see that as a positive.

I would want to know if he has a full and well rounded life (something I have built for myself). Not an empty one looking for a girlfriend to take hostage!

spiderqueen

Nope. But that's just me. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

AnvilheadII

the "problem" isn't that he is in recovery.

but that you have bad experience with someone who is NOT in recovery.

can you say that you won't always being "looking" for those signs? are you not already on guard?

Refiner

SaveHer

These are all good things for me to consider. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

As for his recovery, he says he has a home group and goes to two or three meetings a week. He also says he has been through the steps once and is on his second 9th step. When I asked if he is working the steps, he said "always." He's definitely seems to be in active recovery, not just a dry drunk or white-knuckling it like my ex did from time to time.

As for me, I do need to give some thought to whether I'm capable of having a healthy relationship with an addict. I don't feel compelled to "save" him, but I do feel a bit cautious, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in any new relationship, I suppose. He even asked me if I would be able to treat him as an individual apart from the sins of my ex. I would like to think I am able to do this, but who knows? In the past I would have been afraid of what atalose was talking about--not being able to walk away from him if he relapses or treats me poorly. But with my daughter in the picture, that has completely changed. I don't tolerate anything anymore. She deserves better, and so do I.

THIS--->"It is about if I can maintain boundaries with another with love."

I suppose I don't have to figure it all out today. I'll know how I feel when I feel it, right?

MindfulMan

It depends on a lot of things.

Just want to point out that not everyone's recovery is based on meetings or 12 Step. AA/NA/CA doesn't work for me, I'm just about two years in and I would date me. I will never take any addictive substances again, and that definitely includes alcohol. I've also only tried to stop once and I've not relapsed. And won't. I've moved on. Eve n my friends in various fellowships respect my sober journey and would all tell you that I'm not going to relapse, ever. Alcohol holds no appeal for me anymore.

Everyone is different.

PeacefulWater12

Love it! Great perspective.

I am nearly 9 years quit and made good changes in my life.

If I was single and I met me, I would date me too!

FallenAngelina

I know quite a few wonderful men in recovery whom I would date if I were single. Seems to be a group that is more aware and sensitive than most men who have not gone through similar challenges, actually.

Maudcat

Maybe.
I would proceed with extreme caution.

Needabreak

I will have a few dates with someone who is in recovery, if they are self-aware, and fun to be with. Dating is fun for me, and light-hearted, and I don't view everyone who I date as a potential life-partner.

Marriage would be a different story. I've had enough friends and relatives over the years who have been in recovery and then relapsed, that I would be really wary of linking my life to someone in recovery for addiction in that way.

What I'm about to write might not be very popular here, but hopefully it will help someone.

After I left my ex-addicted partner, I dated a guy who was not and had never been a drinker or an addict. But he had left a marriage with an alcoholic. Sounds like the perfect match for me, right? We had so much to talk about! We shared war stories, and had so much in common. And we could trust each other because neither one of us was a substance user!

But after a few months, I noticed that so many of my unpleasant codependent qualities were being mirrored right back to me!! The guy would not leave any aspect of my life alone. I couldn't eat a dessert without him jumping in and telling me that I shouldn't eat it. I couldn't go out to lunch without him texting every half hour. I couldn't take a class at night without him focusing on what I was doing. If I tried to chat with him about my day, he would jump in and make problems where I didn't feel that there were any, and then try to fix them for me. He just couldn't let me be. It is nice to have some good close interaction with a partner. It is not so nice to be their main focus 24/7.

That relationship lasted about a year, and was huge in my own recovery, as I got to see just how screwed up and codependent I had been in my relationship with my ex addicted partner, and just how much I had hurt myself by being so focused on him. And frankly, we are not helping other people when we become so obsessed with what they are doing.

That said, I stayed with my ex-addicted partner far longer than I should have, and felt far too much guilt at the time about leaving him.

So now I not only pick out signs of active addiction when I am dating and screen those guys out, but I also look for signs of active, unrecovered codependency and screen those guys out too. This leaves only people with secure attachment patterns (of which there aren't very many in the dating pool, as they tend to be in happy relationships). I used to find such guys to be boring, but now realize that they are the best, most drama free people to partner up with.

But I guess my point is that those of us who tend to be drawn to alcoholics and addicts, and who have not examined our own patterns of behavior, make just as bad dating partners as alcoholics and addicts do.

FallenAngelina

One reason I appreciate AlAnon is because in a good meeting, you learn first and foremost to stop fussing over the wrongs of the alcoholic and you start cleaning up your own yard. I appreciate that you mentioned this, Needabreak.

Needabreak

Yes, in my experience, as I started cleaning up my own yard, the addict faded in importance and I started to see myself and my role in things clearly.

This does not excuse any of the high-risk behavior, the DUIs, the nastiness or anything else, it just highlights that, after a certain point, in my efforts to fix / rescue / change my ex, I became a willing volunteer in something that was harmful to me. Rather than looking at the situation and relationship clearly and honestly, realizing that there was no fulfillment in it for me and never would be, and walking away, I elected to stay over and over. Hope of him changing, fear of being alone, and misguided compassion were my opium.

There is a saying in Al-Anon that has always resonated with me -- "There Are No Victims, Only Volunteers." This doesn't apply to kids, who really are victims when there is alcoholism or addiction in a family, but if we are over 18, we are responsible for the realities that we co-create. And we are responsible if we choose to stay in them.

I've always admired the precepts of Al Anon, but my personal experience with meetings was not good. I went to 5 different meetings, and in every one of them, the participants (almost all older women with very traditional points of view -- and this was in New York City!) rambled on about how horrible their lives were with their alcoholic husbands, without even a moment of self-reflection. It seemed to be more of a vent fest than a place of personal growth.

Not a criticism of Al-Anon in general, just my personal experience.
Perhaps some meetings are better-moderated so that they adhere to Al Anon's rule of keeping the focus on oneself?

trailmix

Your post above about the dating question was spot on I think needabreak.

I'm no Al Anon expert (I've only ever been to one meeting). I chose it randomly as it worked with a time I was free.

The group was about 16 people. Mostly women, one in her 20s, other than that a mix and at least 3 men, including the chair of that particular meeting. None of them shared about their alcoholic per-se - except the younger woman who cried as she talked about an impending meeting with him.

They either talked in general just about life, or shared about how they saw themselves going off track and moving away from their side of the street.

In reading about Al-Anon meetings, here at SR, I don't know that I could have come across a better one. The meeting had structure, a reading, tradition and goodwill. I find it very interesting how they are all so different.