FallenAngelina

If you're ever out on Long Island, let me know and I'll bring you along to several meetings where the AlAnon principles are thriving. This area has a large fellowship of active, committed long timers who are healthy mentors for newcomers.

CanadianRose

I couldn't and it isn't necessarily because I have any kind of prejudice against recovering addicts. It's that I know that I would have a hard time trusting them no matter their level of recovery. I wouldn't be a good match. I'd do more harm than good. I'm not all that codependent. My problem is that I'd be too independent and refuse to mingle a life with them because I'd want to be prepared for relapse at all times. My trust level would be really low.

It would not be fair to ask a man in recovery to be with me, given my issues from being with an addict and going through the relapses.

SaveHer

We met for coffee today. I don't think I've ever had a date with someone so transparent and pragmatic about everything. He seems very genuine. I like the idea that he's a person who acknowledged that something needed to change in his life and is committed to making that change.

I was, however, struck by a random thought: this is the person I wanted my ex to become, the person my ex will never become. Is that coincidental or dysfunctional? Did I manifest this?

There is still so much to still learn and consider. I have to admit that I'm smitten, but I'm just taking it one date at a time.

I'm so grateful to have all of you. I'm always comforted here.

trailmix

I'm glad you had a good time.

I think that type of thought is normal. I mean ideally that relationship would have worked out if - this and this and that, so a passing thought about that isn't odd at all.

Did you manifest it - well that's an interesting thought! Only you can tel, will be interesting to see what you think going forward.

Great thread btw Saveher - there have been a few about dating but there are certainly lots of interesting takes here.

Leelee168

I’m really late to this party, but my answer is no, never.

I’ve had friends tell me I should start getting out and thinking about dating. I’ve looked at profiles on dating sites and I can’t even think about someone who drinks socially, much less “moderately.” And if I see someone who says they don’t drink because they’re in AA, that’s even worse. I would rather be alone than live through the past over again—and that’s always going to be a worry with someone who drinks any amount.

August252015

I'm glad I clicked on this thread this time, as I'd seen it before and not looked.

SaveHer - proceeding slowly is definitely a good option.

I might be expressing a minority view or just a different one:
I'm a recovering alcoholic with 1134 days (I had a reason to count yesterday, because I'm about to be a guest on a podcast!) - ie, 3 yrs and about 5 wks. I work a very strong program of AA, lead an non NA/AA recovery group for the restaurant industry - I often say recovery is the backdrop of my life and my very first priority - because that gives me every single beautiful thing in my life.

All that summarized - I would only be with someone in their own best kind of recovery. That's one huge reason I married my husband. Our story is unique in some ways, especially that we met at 15 and dated off and on in high school, had a completely trustworthy friendship...and reunited when he asked me to lunch in July 2016.

He was one month sober and I was 5 1/2. Based on that alone, most people would have said hell no to even the first date! HOWEVER. We put careful thought, consideration, time and love into what we started calling Team Us, from the beginning.

Did we take on a LOT, early in our respective sobriety? Yep (I haven't even touched on the other factors like my now step-children, my near death version of alcoholism or his much less "extreme" and so on).

My absolute boundary is clear: I cannot be with someone who relapses. The way that plays out in reality? It's not an ultimatum, it's not a pressure deal, it's just part of our MO.

I could share more - but essentially, I recognized the most unique and beautiful prospect a life with him would bring, and it began with the boundaries and priorities I described. We work an individual program then a together one.

In a lot of the scenarios and with folks in different stages or implementation of a program (or lack thereof)? My answer would have been no.

Last note: in very early sobriety, especially up to around 100 days, I definitely met a couple people in the program (AA) who were absolutely NOT good candidates. My boundaries still needed developing in this area for sure, and I really didn't have the judgment to make good decisions- with strangers.

You mentioned knowing when you feel it above - that used to be something that I acted on...as I got sober I realized that what was going to be permanently good and sustainable for me needed "back up" facts to go with my feelings.

Best to you for your own recovery path and happiness ahead.

Eauchiche

I'm late to the "party" also, but here goes:

I think the basic problem culturally, is the idea of what "dating" means.
People go out a few times then jump in the sack together. This is nothing personal about the OP, but is prevalent.

When this happens, any red flags get ignored because the "juices" have taken over. Then, you wake up 15 years later. If you have something good at that time, you are damned lucky.

I much prefer the concept of "courtship," preferably in a group setting. That way the relationship is based on friendship first, and nobody gets hurt.

August252015

^To that point.

Part of what my husband and I did was take each step slowly. It was definitely courting, to use the classic word, and it especially respected time-based boundaries based on his divorce. We made actual dates and plans, and one reason that was important was because his changing responsibilities as a divorced dad with a teenage daughter living at home and mine with a return to financial self-sufficiency meant a lot of server shifts....Sex came a few months in and even stuff leading up to that was gradual.

I certainly did what was just described above in my when-drinking-"relationships." Somehow, I seemed to end up with boyfriends. Not a good long term plan- then again, I didn't deserve the kind of relationship or the kind of person I have now, because I wasn't one that kind of person would want or be able to build a life with, as I can see now.

atalose

Was your ex ever transparent, pragmatic or genuine? Or is it more that your ex couldn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge that something needed to change in his life?

I think it is extremely wise to be cautious and move slow. I like how you said one date at a time!

FallenAngelina

I see the value in this tradition, which some might call old fashioned, but is really quite smart. In courtship, you are not only establishing a slow paced friendship for the option of romance, but you are also cultivating a community together. When you have a shared community, the likelihood of a healthy, nurturing couple relationship is much higher. There's a reason that codependence and addiction thrive in isolated situations. A shared community of people committed to their recovery can be a wonderful basis for a good relationship.

Saltlamp

In my opinion: yes, you did manifest this in the same way we all manifest everything in our lives. That's not a bad thing. I don' think the only two options are "coincidental" or "dysfunctional"- you figured out what you wanted in a relationship, figured out your ex wasn't that person, ended your relationship with your ex and in your forays into the dating world, have found someone who right now- in the early stages of dating- seems to have those qualities.

So, like you said, one date at a time!

ladyscribbler

I wasn't ready to date anyone at less than two years out. There was still a lot of recovering (Al Anon) for me to do without adding anyone else into the mix.

Maudcat

Re Al-Anon meetings: you have to work sometimes to find a meeting that clicks and people are working the program, as opposed to those who want to complain about the addicts in their lives.
My PA home group was an awesome mix of men and women, young and older, etc.
We followed a step, topic, step, tradition, format.
There was so much wisdom in those rooms. I learned much that I was able to use in all my affairs.
Here in MA, not so much.
Meetings are smaller, not my preference, made up mostly of older people, so not a lot of diversity.
I did find a meeting where the church cat was welcome, so that was cool.
Al-Anon cat.
I feel I was fortunate that I had such a great group in PA, have pretty much given up on finding a meeting that works for me in my current location.
Which is a shame, because now I am in proximity to the addict in my life, my sib, and I could really use a good meeting.
But...I read the literature and the daily affirmations. Sometimes I listen to CDs and a couple of recovery podcasts, the Bubble Hour, and Since Right Now, and that is helpful.

Sasha1972

Al Anon cat! Love it.

nez

Life has no guaranties. Some people in recovery are wonderful human beings. Some others who are in recovery, not so much. Some people who have never drank alcohol are wonderful human beings. Some others who have never drank alcohol, not so much.

hopeful4

I don't think I could do it.

Now, I have to admit, I know some people who are active in recovery that are AMAZING husbands. My friend just celebrated his 10 years sober and there is no doubt in my mind he will not relapse. His life screams recovery. He is an active leader in Celebrate Recovery. He is active in his church. An amazing husband and friend. Very active in his children's lives. Anyone who is around him can see this. So I guess for that kind of person, yes, I would date him.

Anything less, no. And I don' t know anyone else like him.

With anyone else I would always be worried they would relapse, and that is just not something I could go through again.

hopeful4

oK, I would date you August. Just kidding. But truly, your recovery light is always shining. That is what I would be looking for!