Kna810

Thank you again trailmix! You make some amazing points! I will not accept less, thats the reason i have not reached out to him. I want a healthy him... But, i know I cant have that. I dont want him to die, as he is starting to show physical signs that he is shutting down. He made mention multiple times about going to treatment but that has not happened. None of these were brought up by me. He knows he has a problem... He admitted that.

trailmix

Well the fact that he knows is a good thing and maybe some day he will address that, but that time is not now.

Being his friend is just letting him have you in his life without any of the responsibility of being in a relationship. It is probably only going to be hurtful to you though. As someone said, no new contact equals no new hurts.

That will be something you decide on, of course.

Kna810

Trailmix, after seeing him yesterday, i really dont want him in my life. We werent friends before we started dating and I dont see any need for us to be friends now. I normally dont associate with people who have acted like him, and partake in the activities he participates in. He is the same so?

trailmix

And that is a great boundary to have, that will serve you well. I know you are hurt and it will take time to heal from it. Lots of support here for you.

Kna810

Trailmix, thank you! Im going to need it! I wish he would get on this site...

biminiblue

So you're letting him run this, still.

If he calls or texts, ignore. Don't answer. Just because he wants something doesn't automatically mean you go along with it.

Last guy I broke up with wanted to continue to be friends, too. Um, no. Sorry, but you messed up, buddy. I'm done - we cannot be friends. I said it just like that and then I blocked him in my email, phone, facebook. I had to make the decision because it was what I wanted. I never talked to him again or corresponded in any way.

Kna810

Trailmix, im at that point. I am not going to respond to him regardless... Still hard but i have been his doormat long enough.

Leelee168

Kim,

Please read up on the cycle of abuse. I feel like you are lucky in that you are dodging a big bullet here.

I know that you think he would never become physically abusive—or maybe you don’t believe he’s abusive at all. He’s going through all the steps to gain control. Oh my...it’s so easy to read with someone else and I couldn’t see it in my own situation. Which escalated to physical abuse. I blamed everything on the alcohol. And I have a PhD and should have known better, right? How’s that for some shame. I’m still working on it.

You are not a failure, Kym. He’s a manipulator and a good one at that. You are a bright young woman and have good values—he saw that and used it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and everything is wrong with him. Please give yourself a break.

seekingcalm

Glad you found SR, sorry for what brings you here.
In my experience, best thing to do is walk away. No contact. Take care of you.
If he wants to get serious about recovery, he will. Not a thing you or anyone else can do. Active alcoholics can never make anyone else a priority. It's not possible. We cannot expect normal behavior from someone with this disease who is not in recovery.
I read a great thing in Courage to Change...lovely little book from Al-Anon.
If you walk past a beehive, and you hear all that buzzing...are you going to stick your head in, or keep on walking? Seems simple, I know it's not, but you can save yourself, you cannot save him. Try to remember that.