We had a long talk....and a big light bulb moment!

Old 01-15-2019, 01:38 PM
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We had a long talk....and a big light bulb moment!

I won't bore you with the details. The subjects covered were

-him not communicating with me, so I have no idea what's going on with him.
-his sporadic involvement in our marriage. He does well for a month or two, I start to gain trust, he goes back to dry drunk behaviour.
- because he's sportatic, I've detached from him. Mostly.

On my side...
-Im always mad at him. Not when he was an equal partner, but otherwise, yes. I'm mad and hurt.
-I expect him to be able to sustain the basics of a relationship. Yes, I do.

Anytime something comes up, for example I thought he was cooking dinner, I get the expectation speech. I'm going to pull my hair out if I hear that again! I tried to tell him that number 1, that is mainly for the alcohiic since it can cause resentment, and lead to drinking.

There are realistic expectations that are a part of everyday life. Expecting your kids to clean their rooms, basic relationship skills, working to pay the bills. There are unrealistic expectations, like me expecting he could be on a basic level and able to be an equal partner.

His view of expectations is from an AA perspective. As a general rule, normies know how to recognise, handle and process emotions that come from unmet expectations. If he wants to pick apart everything that is an expectation, he should be doing that with his own thoughts and actions, not everyone else's.

I did discuss with him that I'm almost done. I'm not sure if I should have, it puts more pressure on him. He has said in the past, and recently, that is his worst fear. I respect that he quit, I respect that has working on staying sober. But I'm tired of waiting. There is a limit to human endurance. Who knows how long it will be before he can be an equal partner. Who knows if he even can?

And I had a huge light bulb moment. Really huge. Before I married him I was a single mom of 2, then 3 little girls. I was a single mom for 7 years. It was stressful, but I was able to handle it fine. As the years have gone by, I have slowly been able to handle less and less. Just the past few years it has become worse and worse. I get stressed running errands for a few hours, or working one day a week, or taking care of my son when he was sick. If things are particularly stressful, when my daughter was rear ended for example, I just shut down. I can't stay awake, I sleep for 14, sometimes 16 hours for a day or two.

That may be a contributing factor to not making much progress with the PTSD. I'm not saying it's his fault, just that the resulting stress from years of this is a problem. My gut feeling is if I don't get out, something serious regarding my mental health or a serious health problem is coming.

Since its impossible to leave, I'll stay in my in my own in-the-making living room. I need to find a way to stop hoping and waiting for him to be able to sustain the basics of a relationship. I do love him deeply. Despite his off and on dry drunk behaviour, he's a good, kind hearted, devoted and responsible man who loves his family above everything else. All of his drinking years the bills always stayed paid. There wasn't much left over, or nothing left over, but we had the basics. He worked odd jobs for his beer money.

I'll go through this with my therapist, because of insurance I can only see her twice a month. I'm dying to get this out, thank you for reading! Any suggestions from those of you who have been there are welcomed. Maybe if I can figure out a way to emotionally let go, I will be able to work full time. The boys can spend the day with him, so my special needs son is cared for. I love him and in a way, I don't want to let go 100%.


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Old 01-15-2019, 01:57 PM
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I wanted to add something I forgot that is relevant....at his last AA meeting someone said a newly sober person may need to find out who they are, that he said resonated with him. Who they were is gone, who are they now? Sheds a lot of light on him not being a marriage partner if he has no idea who he even is.
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Old 01-15-2019, 02:13 PM
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Al-anon is free, Wamama. It's suported through individual donations. It's okay to participate and donate only if/when you feel capable.

Some people do a montlhy donation instead of each time the basket is passed. To allow support from the Al-anon groups and not put money into the basket was a lesson for me in accepting help from others and building my gratitude.

What I've gained through Al-anon is my own understanding of the principles and steps, and recovery for myself. What I've left behind through this is a lot I don't ever need to sort through again.

I completely relate to learning about who I am. Knowing myself in a very authentic way changes how I deal with life. It's a journey.
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Old 01-15-2019, 02:42 PM
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Wow you've covered a lot Wamama! Very insightful.

Yes the misdirected "expectation" speech must be getting pretty old at this point. You are absolutely correct in that it doesn't mean that no one should ever have any expectation of your Husband.

Then again, is that the life he wants? If he is making a choice, that he does not want your relationship to be about any give and take/responsibility - that's a different kettle of fish. Maybe that's something you can get him to clarify if you aren't sure where he's coming from?

I don't think you were wrong for having the conversation about where you are at, he does need to know.

If things are particularly stressful, when my daughter was rear ended for example, I just shut down. I can't stay awake, I sleep for 14, sometimes 16 hours for a day or two.
Yes, you are completely correct in my opinion. You are "strong" going about your business, taking care of said business, no need for a break here! Then it turns on you, you cannot do that indefinitely, I know this from personal experience. I'm so glad you are seeing it now before it actually really hits. I remember questioning it myself and brushing it aside because I guess I didn't really think of it too seriously of being anything that needed addressing. It did and if you don't it will make you!

I know that sleeping thing too. Once I was so stressed that if I got in to a stressful conversation I could not stay awake! I would have to walk away and go lay down or tell the person to lay off or I was going to fall asleep lol.

I believe it's a protective reaction from the body and another indicator that you are too stressed.

So glad you are addressing this.
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Old 01-15-2019, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Al-anon is free, Wamama. It's suported through individual donations. It's okay to participate and donate only if/when you feel capable.

Some people do a montlhy donation instead of each time the basket is passed. To allow support from the Al-anon groups and not put money into the basket was a lesson for me in accepting help from others and building my gratitude.

What I've gained through Al-anon is my own understanding of the principles and steps, and recovery for myself. What I've left behind through this is a lot I don't ever need to sort through again.

I completely relate to learning about who I am. Knowing myself in a very authentic way changes how I deal with life. It's a journey.
Thank you Mango. Alanon wasn't for me, but I do find some of their slogans useful. Like the 3 C's, and only being able to control our own behaviour, no one else's. That's a big one.
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Old 01-15-2019, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Wow you've covered a lot Wamama! Very insightful.

Yes the misdirected "expectation" speech must be getting pretty old at this point. You are absolutely correct in that it doesn't mean that no one should ever have any expectation of your Husband.

Then again, is that the life he wants? If he is making a choice, that he does not want your relationship to be about any give and take/responsibility - that's a different kettle of fish. Maybe that's something you can get him to clarify if you aren't sure where he's coming from?

I don't think you were wrong for having the conversation about where you are at, he does need to know.



Yes, you are completely correct in my opinion. You are "strong" going about your business, taking care of said business, no need for a break here! Then it turns on you, you cannot do that indefinitely, I know this from personal experience. I'm so glad you are seeing it now before it actually really hits. I remember questioning it myself and brushing it aside because I guess I didn't really think of it too seriously of being anything that needed addressing. It did and if you don't it will make you!

I know that sleeping thing too. Once I was so stressed that if I got in to a stressful conversation I could not stay awake! I would have to walk away and go lay down or tell the person to lay off or I was going to fall asleep lol.

I believe it's a protective reaction from the body and another indicator that you are too stressed.

So glad you are addressing this.
I didn't think the excessive sleeping was a thing, I thought I was just a little strange. I lol when I read you've told people to lay off or you were going to sleep. I wonder what their facial expressions were?
My councelor has told me a few times that she thinks I'm insightful too. I need to know the "why" of things. I need to understand it to be able to accept it, which leads to being able to work through it. The flip side of that is sometimes you can think too much.
I never even considered asking my RAH what he thought the basics of a marriage were until you mentioned it. But, it didn't surprise me when when he though on it for a bit and said "I don't know, I'll have to think about that." I wasn't surprised, but my heart sank. We've been married 20 years Jan 29th, he's 53 years old, and doesn't know how a healthy marriage (or any relationship) works. It makes me incredibly sad.
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Old 01-16-2019, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
when I read you've told people to lay off or you were going to sleep. I wonder what their facial expressions were?
Well, to be more precise, at that time it was one person and he was abusive. So he would go off on a diatribe, trying to pin me down to answer his questions and raise his voice and go on and on with the grilling and I would just say sorry - I'm falling asleep lol

He was aware of the sleeping thing so I don't think it surprised him much and in retrospect it was a great thing. You are so stressful to be around you make me have to sleep!

Although it had zero impact on him of course, nothing was learned from it - because hey, when you are that self-centered nothing is getting through.

Well I'm glad you had that talk, it is kind of sad, but then again lots of people don't have certain expectations and just kind of go through life trying to be happy, so it's not a huge surprise perhaps, especially when addiction has been a big part of his life.

It might have a positive outcome for you.
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Old 01-16-2019, 09:34 AM
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New actions bring about new changes.

How's your project going?
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Old 01-17-2019, 02:36 PM
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Bump. Happy Thursday.
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Old 01-18-2019, 01:43 AM
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Hi Mango. Going great. The boys and my husband have been helping some, otherwise I say thanks, but be gone with ye lol

Everything is painted, my husband and oldest son are putting down flooring tomorrow, then I'm moving in a nice recliner, bookshelves, table and chairs and a loveseat. It's all things we already had so I haven't spent a penny with the exception of the loveseat. Its leather, my daughter got it for me for $30. I'll add plants, baskets, curtains and other pretties as I go along. My niece is painting some art work for decorating. All of my art supplies will go in that room, a snuggly electric blanket too.

Having our very own area might seems silly to those who havent lived with an alcoholic/RA. But a space of our own is freeing! All of our girls understand, RAH and the boys, clueless.

It's somewhere to go where the A/RAH's addiction, or anything remotely addiction related, is not allowed, a quiet, peaceful place for us that brings joy and freedom. I will not even allow my own thoughts to go there.

Nothing with a screen allowed, only books, puzzles, board games, art and craft supplies. It has its own name....The Quiet Room. I told the boys they are welcome to visit. My 12 yo said there would be nothing to do. You know, because there's no phone, computer or tablets allowed. I have work to do with that child.
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Old 01-18-2019, 08:11 AM
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I absolutely understand the value of quiet space for ourselves.

Your room and all you've done in a short amount of time is fabulous!! Congratulations on your progress.
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Old 01-18-2019, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
I absolutely understand the value of quiet space for ourselves.

Your room and all you've done in a short amount of time is fabulous!! Congratulations on your progress.
Thanks Mango. You have a phenominal amount of progress of your own to celebrate. Yay for both of us!
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Old 01-18-2019, 07:00 PM
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When we were house hunting, I insisted on a room with no electronics too, and we call it... the quiet room! Lol

Never underestimate the power of a peaceful space. We have our morning coffee in there, I do yoga in there, it’s the best room in the house.
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Old 01-18-2019, 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by wehav2day View Post
When we were house hunting, I insisted on a room with no electronics too, and we call it... the quiet room! Lol

Never underestimate the power of a peaceful space. We have our morning coffee in there, I do yoga in there, it’s the best room in the house.
That's funny, how we both came up with the same name. I plan to do yoga in the quiet room too. I've only done one session and I loved it. I can't explain how, or in what way, it made me feel wonderful. Enjoy your morning coffee. 😁
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Old 01-19-2019, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
That's funny, how we both came up with the same name. I plan to do yoga in the quiet room too. I've only done one session and I loved it. I can't explain how, or in what way, it made me feel wonderful. Enjoy your morning coffee. 😁
I'm glad you have your quiet room. I hated regular yoga, but rope wall yoga was an hour a week where I thought of absolutely nothing. It was amazing, and if you knew how much my head works, you would say it was a miracle. Lol. Is there any particular type of yoga that is good for you? I think all the fru fru that went along with the regular yoga class that I was attending was a huge turn off for me. Maybe doing it at home would be different
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Old 01-19-2019, 11:33 PM
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What is rope yoga? It's awesome that you found something that works so well for you. If you can 100% lose yourself in an activity, that's a very good thing! I haven't figured out what kind I like yet. I'm just trying YouTube videos. Doing regular yoga with other people would make me nervous and do the opposite of what I'm looking for. No foo foo yoga for me either. 😁
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Old 01-20-2019, 06:28 AM
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rLgj6vMhf3g


I haven't been able to do it for a year and a half since I moved. I haven't found a place here yet. I need to do that.
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Old 01-20-2019, 07:51 AM
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[QUOTE=
That may be a contributing factor to not making much progress with the PTSD. I'm not saying it's his fault, just that the resulting stress from years of this is a problem. My gut feeling is if I don't get out, something serious regarding my mental health or a serious health problem is coming.
-[/QUOTE]

Please pay attention to this and find a way to take care of yourself first. If something happens to you what will your girls be left with. Your gut is trying to tell you please listen
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Old 01-20-2019, 08:24 AM
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^^^



Great words, dawnrising. Listening to our gut is really, really important.



Thanks, Wamama!
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Old 01-20-2019, 01:39 PM
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Thank you Dawnrising. I agree. I'm doing my selfcare and have finished my own room downstairs. If I'm not cooking or doing things that need done upstairs, I'm in that room. That's all I can do right now, hopefully it's enough. 😁
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