Kna810

For starters, hello! My name is Kym and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend recently ended due to his addiction to alcohol. After his behavior started to redically change 2 months ago (never physically abusive), i confronted him about the lack of priority he was making me and he admitted he was an alcoholic. I was confused, but pretty much already knew. He wanted to take the month December off and try to get sober and get through the holidays. During that month, i read like crazy about this addiction and waited for a call that never came. We finally ended the relationship one week ago today. He has texted about nonrelevant things, and called after each text communication. Twice this has happened in the past week. Yesterday he came to my place of employment and watched the playoff game and then quickly headed to his friends so he could watch the second one, and drink. This interaction was bizarre...but not bad. He drank while he was there though. I have gotten to the point were I realize it is better that it is over but, he had said some things that leave me wondering and it is weird. I have accessed other sites, only to be ignored. Im lost and want to 1) figure this out, 2) not go insane with sadness, and 3) be there for him in whatever capacity I can. The reason he ended it was "i dont want to string you along while I'm dealing with this issue." And he still wants to be friends. I dont understand why he wants to be friends when i dont drink and have nothing to offer him, along with other things. My heart breaks for me, but even worse for him. Please help me....please

Mango212

Hi Kym,

Welcome to SR.

Emotional and psychological abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Al-anon is great for in person support and learning more about this illogical disease of alcoholism and how we become affected by it. http://www.al-anon.org/

Stick around, keep reading, keep posting.

Michsm

Hi Kym,

Why is he making all the ground rules? You broke up but he wants to be friends? He wanted to get sober but then he came to your work and drank and he doesn’t want to string you along but sounds like he is doing that. My advice is to cut ties and move on, he is in love with Alcohol and you cannot compete with that.

Kna810

That's the way I feel too. Problem is, he still has my stuff. Made it a point to ask what I wanted from his house, he could have brought it with him yesterday but didnt. I got angry at myself last night and basically came to the conclusion that he can keep the stuff, everything is replaceable.... There was even stuff that was sentimental only for the both of us. I wanted it to dispose of it. Do alcoholics like to hold on to stuff like that? Do they like to keep connections like that?

Kna810

Mitcham....and thank you for responding. This has been such a hard thing for me

SparkleKitty

Yes, alcoholics hang onto whatever they can. And if you ever enabled him, wittingly or no, he will continue to try to hang on, to keep you as an option.

How much is your stuff worth to you? Can you go get it yourself and take that power from him? A clean break would be best for you.

Kna810

Thank you for resounding! Last night i got to the point that im ok with parting with the stuff. I really dont want to see him so that made it rather easy, except for thr love I still have foe him which makes it hard. In my past relationships, when things are done...they are done. I have never been in the situation where the person still wants to be friends and doesnt want to end all ties by keeping sentimental stuff

Mango212

That can be a tactic used to control, manipulate and hurt. Listening to actions rather than words can bring clarity.

Kna810

Thank you for responding! Hearing from others is spool helpful! He isn't a bad person....and I'm not just standing up for him. He has been hurt throughout his life... I believe this is why he has turned to alcohol. His demons though, not mine. I just didn't/dont understand the holding on to stuff thing. Never experienced that before. I know he loves me and still cares. I just don't understand the why...

trailmix

Hi Kna and welcome to SR.

The why, I think, is exactly what he told you. He wants to be free to drink and not just a glass of beer here and there.

A good example is the other day. Pop over to your work, watch the game and I'm not sure whether he drank there or not, but maybe a little? After that he was free to go to his friend's house to get what he really wants - more alcohol.

He has been hiding it from you, probably, because he thinks if you knew the extent of his addiction you probably wouldn't be able to deal with it and again, he's probably right about that. He doesn't want to pretend to have some "normal" life, he wants to drink.

You might find these articles helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

As for figuring this out, the articles from that link are a good place to start, also lots of reading around these forums, including the stickies at the top, this is a good place to start if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Being there for him. Well, he obviously doesn't actually want anyone there for him because he has his one true love and that is alcohol. He wants to drink. He is not seeking recovery and even if he was, that's not really something you can help with, that's an inside job. He would like to have his alcohol and you too! You, on the other hand, should perhaps really be focusing on yourself and taking care of your well-being. Protect yourself. You can't be his friend and protect yourself.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it - the three Cs which are very true.

As for not hurting, time and patience, distracting yourself. I'm going to guess there were other problems in this relationship? Alcoholics are notorious for being emotionally disconnected and unreliable - did you experience that? Also when they aren't drinking they can be very short tempered and withdrawn.

I hope you will find the articles and the stickies helpful and please keep posting.

Mango212

Something I read here that really helped me in understanding:

"I love you" from an active alcoholic/addict often simply means, "you put up with my crap."

Wamama48

I'm sorry you're hurting. This is a wonderful, caring group, you will love it! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders because you did a lot of research on alcoholism and you can see his is stringing you along. That's a cruel thing to do, it only benefits him. Just as helpful as the advice members will give you, reading around on the forum will help too. And you will hear this a lot, because it's 100% spot on....no contact=no new hurts. No texting, calling, social media, hearing about him from friends or family etc. It's your choice. Hugs!!!

Kna810

Thank you trail mix! I will read the article. There were other signs that I can see now...he did try to hide it from me for the whole relationship. He told me he was an alcoholic roughly 2 months ago. He said he wanted to fix it because he didnt want to lose me...i told him i didnt have a problem with his drinking, just that he didnt make me a priority anymore. ( I did care, because i didnt want him to be sick and die). He got a new job, with a group of payhetic old men who sit around and drink all the time. Misery loves company and he fell right in. Now we are here... Its hard

Kna810

Mango212...good guide )-:

Kna810

Thank you wamama... If i may ask, how does it only benefit him? I would think it would be harder seeing constant reminders of me. Since the breakup, 1 week ago, i have not texted him first, he has been the only one to call, and we dont have the same network. Any communicatiin has been initiated by him...?

trailmix

Yes that's exactly it:

"He said he wanted to fix it because he didnt want to lose me"

And that's probably true, but saying and doing it are two different things, actions, not words. Alcoholism is a tough addiction to beat as you will see as you start to read more about it. I'm sure you know that many lose all their friends, family and their job and still continue to drink.

"i told him i didnt have a problem with his drinking, just that he didnt make me a priority anymore".

Saying that IS saying you have a problem with his drinking. He wants to be able to drink all the time, maybe every day most of the day. He can't do that and make you a priority, to him those two things are in direct conflict to each other.

"I did care, because i didnt want him to be sick and die"

This as well, don't know if you said this to him but what you are saying is - I don't want you to drink.

Now, I am not pointing this out to in any way imply there is anything wrong with what you said - not at all, you said what you believe and mean, that's the truth. That doesn't mean that an alcoholic mind is going to like it though.

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

Leelee168

Hi Kym,

You are a wonderful, empathetic person. You care for him as a human being, I can see that.

Mango made an important point in her posts; abuse is not always physical. Also, if emotional or psychological abuse is present, the likelihood of physical abuse is dramatically increased. Source: Research and experience.

He is telling you the stories about his demons and how he has been hurt all his life as a means to control and manipulate you. You now feel badly for him and he gets the control of the situation, and by proxy-you, just as he wanted.

It's best to walk away now and make the clean break.

I wish you all the best.

Kna810

I appreciate you breaking it down like that trail mix. That is much easier for me to understand! You have some amazing feedback... If i dont contact him, why is he still contacting me? I'm giving him what he wants, the breakup. I'm not nagging him for my stuff... And honestly, ti myself i have written it off.

Kna810

Thabk you leelee! I think the only person im beating up in this situation is myself, i feel like a failure. Not to be weird, but i get asked out alot at my job. Prior to my ex, i hadnt dated in 5 years because I didnt see quality in anyone i had met. He was amazing, a great person, selfless, etc. Throughout the entire relationship, he put me up on a pedestal that i dont think i belong on. He even said multiple times, that I was the beat person he ever met and then discarded me like trash. It sucks... Like i said, i feel like a failure

trailmix

First of all, you didn't fail at anything so I hope that feeling of failure will dissipate as you read more about alcoholism and the alcoholic brain.

He's still contacting you because what he said is probably true (about not wanting to lose you).

I think many addicts would like to have a "normal" life. That does not mean it's possible when they are in active addiction and he has realized that. The choice is alcohol or a normal life with a nice person. He chooses alcohol and probably, really, sees no other choice which again you will understand more about as you learn more.

He keeps your stuff because he doesn't want to let go, he calls you for the same reason. Doesn't mean you should accept less than stellar treatment.

Is this a relationship you want?