How do you get past the lying?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Trinity, your story resonates with me because you could be talking about my XAH so easily. He was all nice and sweet and wanted to make an effort and please don't leave...until he wasn't. He made SO MANY promises that he always broke. To me, and more importantly, to our children. Lies. I had to come to a place that I realized it was just BS basically. He wanted the calm in the moment so I would continue to enable him. I finally came to the realization that no matter the outcome, even if he was a danger to himself, that I was not helping him by enabling him. I was only crippling him more, and causing myself and my children mental illness by continuing in that situation.
Be prepared for the onslaught of his future behavior. He will go from begging to being nasty, as you have seen. This will continue. He will then end up being nasty all the time and bad mouth you and blame you. It's not a reflection of you. It's what he has to do to condone his own crappy behavior. You must learn to expect it and to not fall into his trap.
I send you big hugs. I know it's painful. You are not alone.
Be prepared for the onslaught of his future behavior. He will go from begging to being nasty, as you have seen. This will continue. He will then end up being nasty all the time and bad mouth you and blame you. It's not a reflection of you. It's what he has to do to condone his own crappy behavior. You must learn to expect it and to not fall into his trap.
I send you big hugs. I know it's painful. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
You never get passed the lying..But if you choose to stay with him, this will become your life. Want to hear something really funny? My XA Boyfriend was supposed to make me dinner one night; go figure vodka sauce (vodka his mistress) anyway, I left to walk the dogs and when I came back he couldn't even stand straight in the kitchen...I said "Well, if you didn't just drink a pint of vodka, why can't you stand straight?" he looked at me and said "I can't stand straight because I haven't been drinking!!!" HA HA HA HA. Not even kidding. He later fell down the stairs that night.
But anyway girl, move on....It will be hard (I broke up with him three weeks ago and have had no contact) I have my ups and downs. I always try to think of the why did he relapse five times? why is he so nasty to me? but I was told to stop expecting rational behavior from someone who is incapable of being rational." Once I realized that it was easier to move on.
Run away...It will only get worse. XO
But anyway girl, move on....It will be hard (I broke up with him three weeks ago and have had no contact) I have my ups and downs. I always try to think of the why did he relapse five times? why is he so nasty to me? but I was told to stop expecting rational behavior from someone who is incapable of being rational." Once I realized that it was easier to move on.
Run away...It will only get worse. XO
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Leaving an alcoholic doesn't solve things inside ourselves, it simply can give space towards healing much more quickly. As I gain more clarity and self-worth, I become willing to do whatever it takes to take care of myself.
There are many people in Al-anon in alcoholic relationships and who have left them. Self-skills picked up in Al-anon opened me up to my Higher Power's guidance. There are atheists and agnostics in Al-anon who find their own relationship/terminology for Higher Power.
I have learned to get past the lying. First while living with my alcoholic husband, and now as I live separately it's a great skill that helps keep my focus now towards easy, good, healthy things.
There are many people in Al-anon in alcoholic relationships and who have left them. Self-skills picked up in Al-anon opened me up to my Higher Power's guidance. There are atheists and agnostics in Al-anon who find their own relationship/terminology for Higher Power.
I have learned to get past the lying. First while living with my alcoholic husband, and now as I live separately it's a great skill that helps keep my focus now towards easy, good, healthy things.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by lostinjersey1 
You never get passed the lying..But if you choose to stay with him, this will become your life. Want to hear something really funny? My XA Boyfriend was supposed to make me dinner one night; go figure vodka sauce (vodka his mistress) anyway, I left to walk the dogs and when I came back he couldn't even stand straight in the kitchen...I said "Well, if you didn't just drink a pint of vodka, why can't you stand straight?" he looked at me and said "I can't stand straight because I haven't been drinking!!!" HA HA HA HA. Not even kidding. He later fell down the stairs that night.
But anyway girl, move on....It will be hard (I broke up with him three weeks ago and have had no contact) I have my ups and downs. I always try to think of the why did he relapse five times? why is he so nasty to me? but I was told to stop expecting rational behavior from someone who is incapable of being rational." Once I realized that it was easier to move on.
Run away...It will only get worse. XO
But anyway girl, move on....It will be hard (I broke up with him three weeks ago and have had no contact) I have my ups and downs. I always try to think of the why did he relapse five times? why is he so nasty to me? but I was told to stop expecting rational behavior from someone who is incapable of being rational." Once I realized that it was easier to move on.
Run away...It will only get worse. XO
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