Trinity7777

I am really stuck on making my ABF know when I know that he's lying. It's like I can't stop giving him a hard time until I'm sure he knows that I know. He never admits to anything, so I tend to find myself making comments days, weeks, sometimes months later about something I'm sure he was lying about.

Usually drinking related of course: "I wasn't at the bar, I was working late." "I didn't drink my whole paycheck already, my wallet got stolen and when it was returned to me there was no money in it." "I didn't drink that many, they overcharged me." The list could go on and on, as I know it can for all of us.

​Even in other areas of my life I have noticed that I have a really hard time when I know someone isn't being truthful-- not just over the lying itself, but more towards the fact that they think I'm falling for the lie. That's the part that really gets to me. It makes me feel like they think I'm stupid enough to believe their bs.

So then I get stuck in a loop of pointing out to them over and over that I think they're lying. I'm driving myself crazy! As well as driving my ABF crazy, though sometimes I feel like he deserves it... But I imagine I have done this to him when he may actually have been telling the truth once in a while too. And I don't like that about myself :/ It brings me a lot of guilt. I just never know what's real and what's not with him anymore.

Anyway, has anyone got any advice on how to stop obsessing over the need to call them out on the quacking?

Or feel free to just commiserate

Thank you!
Trinity

Mango212

Al-anon. http://www.al-anon.org/

Alcoholism is a disease. Recovery is very counterintuitive.

Going to in-person meetings, grabbing a sponsor, etc. can make a huge difference.

D122y

Trin,

I will cut to the chase as waiting for a cryptic method might leave you ill prepared for what you are dealing with.

Sounds like you are going to be with the ABF for the near to long haul so you might as well buckle up and enjoy the drama. You can obsess, scream, catch in lies, give the silent treatment, it won't matter to the ABF.

It will just get worse and worse until it ends eventually one way or another, but it might not be a beautiful ending for sure.

Depending how far along the ABF is, the lying doesn't register much. The addict will do whatever it takes to drink. With you or without you.

I used to make up reasons to fight with my wife, just to get hammered.

Basically, insanity that she dealt with as she slowly was moving towards her wits end.

Thankfully, I had a physical/mental awakening and decided on my own, the only way it can work, to get my act together.

Without that personal commitment staying clean is impossible.

The priority for the addict, knowingly or not, is drinking by any means necessary. The addict is not of the same mind as a non drinker.

What is going on is as serious as a heart attack and obsessing on your side is like worry about a pea falling as drunk uncle trips and destroys the whole Thanksgiving spread.

This isn't me talking, this is what I learned here on SR.

Thanks.

Awal

This was me a few weeks ago. I needed my AH to know that he wasn't pulling the wool over my eyes anymore. I needed him to know l wasn't a gullible naive person swallowing the lies anymore.

There is a saying. ' Act the fool, to fool the fool who thinks they're fooling you' l repeated this saying to my AH and told him this is what l was doing. I've been acting the fool to fool him. Hence now he can never be sure if lm fooling him when l appear to believe him 😊

But ultimately l have realised that all that really matters is that l see through him now.
It will come in time x

suki44883

My personal opinion...If someone constantly lies to you, you cannot trust them. There is no relationship without trust.

You can continue to live this way, which will get worse, or you can decide you deserve better and act accordingly.

Leelee168

This exactly. I could tell you that you deserve better, because I have been in your place and dealing with the incessant lies, but until you decide that you deserve better, you will just get lies. No trust. Lies. It’s ultimately your choice as to what you will accept and what you get.

Best to you.

dandylion

Trinity...….lying is a part of the disease of alcoholism....it is how the alcoholic tries to protect their ability to drink.....it is part of the defense mechanisms that the alcoholic uses...along with other defenses--like denial, projection, etc....

The following is a link to a good article on how the alcoholic mind works....

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

There is an old saying----How does one know that an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving....

Unless your ABF were to get into genuine recovery for the alcoholism....sadly, you will not ever see the end of the lying.....
One way that some people attempt to live with the alcoholic and the lying is to learn to emotionally detach from the lies.....There is variable success with this method depending on the loved one (you)….some find it impossible...while others detach enough to live with it....
for me, personally....I would rather live in a nest in a hollow log...lol!

NYCDoglvr

So why are you pursuing a relationship with someone who lies?

trailmix

For me the lying is all on the liar, it's not about me. Don't get me wrong, I don't like lying, I'm vocal about that.

The way I look at it is anyone can tell a story, ANYONE, now there are good story tellers and not so good. You don't really know me and I could tell you I'm a nuclear physicist and that would be a lie, but hey, if i'm a good story teller you would probably believe me.

Now, if you think about it, how is that a reflection on you at all? Even if you aren't quite sure if I'm being truthful, short of holding an inquisition, how can you be sure (even then, if I am a committed liar, I'm not going to confess).

But with all of that - still nothing to do with you. Someone lying doesn't "make" you anything at all. Not gullible or stupid or any of that. If you believed everything everyone told you - that's a different kettle of fish! (and not the case here).

Now, that does not solve anything to do with your Alcoholic boyfriend, you have been given some wise advice above, but just thought I'd mention this as hopefully, maybe, it will give you some peace with it (for you).

clarity888

I have found that not talking to them much helps me to deal with the lying. Not trying to be cute. Right now I am interacting as little as possible, which I suppose is a form of detachment. I don't like that it may seem like the silent treatment, but it's better than me creating a fight over something that I can't control.

marie1960

Plenty of fish In The sea who do not drink their paychecks,and lie about their drinking habits.

If he lies about this what else is he going to lie about?

This is only the tip of the iceberg with him. I can assure you it’s going to get worse,

I had to seriously educated myself about addiction and alcoholism.

Once I understood what I was truly up against I could make life choices based on the facts. Hope you read around this forum, plenty of true life testament of what living with an active alcoholic does to individuals and families. You certainly are worth a committed partner, who values and respects you.

Peace.

swtjudy

I was married to an addict and I loved him very much but he could not stop. He was a binger. I had only been clean a few years then and I finally realized that I had one of two choices, either leave him or start using with him. I left him and I have been clean 33 years now.

Wamama48

Excellent advice Marie! 😁

FeelingGreat

I too find the lying baffling because the truth is so obvious and out there! I experienced this with my sister, and just couldn't process it.

Just to give you some perspective, have a look at the Quackers thread. It show that even the lied-to don't lose their sense of humour. My favourite story there, years ago, was the hubby who went outside to sneak a drink. He came back and told his wife he had been walking the dog, who in the meanwhile had been sitting on the sofa next to her the whole time. She just nodded.

There doesn't seem much for you in this relationship. He's drinking his pay check, lying...it's not getting any better. Why stick around and drive yourself crazy?

biminiblue

Yeah. It's not about you and he isn't even in his right mind so he probably can't even distinguish the truth from a lie and probably doesn't even remember what actually happened and what's actually the truth.

In all fairness though - everyone lies. I've been in many friendships and relationships and truly every person lies or (if I am giving them the benefit of the doubt) they have selective memories and/or just see things differently than I do.

I just try to stay on my own side of the street and smile and nod.

If I were to walk away from every liar...well.

With that said, I would walk away from an active alcoholic.

hopeful4

Eventually you will come to a point that you know if he is lying, and you won't care. You will deem him a liar and move on one way or another. Or at least that is what I did .

Put the focus on you and what you can control. What good does it do to have this ahh ha I caught you moment?? I would say the obsession with it hurts you much more than him.

You cannot control how someone else acts, only how you react. You deserve more.

Trinity7777

Thank you all so much... I'm sorry for the delay in responding, my ABF got fired after I posted this and I was dealing with that. This is the 5th job he has lost due to his drinking in the almost 2 years we've been together. I know, I know

I told him yesterday that we need to take a break (not due to the firing, I had already reached this point before that). I ended up having to block him because he couldn't respect me or my need for space. Thankfully I have always held out against him moving in with me because of his drinking and money problems, so I won't have to see him until/unless I'm ready. He permanently lost his license years ago, so not much chance of him showing up at my door. I'm hoping this time apart will help me find enough self esteem to make this permanent.

​​​​I'm on a break at work at the moment, but will re-read everyone's responses in more depth this evening. I've been reading around here for over a year, and it has helped me immensely. It's how I've even managed to get to this point of taking a break from him. I have learned enough to know that there isn't much hope for him seeking help from the end stage he's at. And there's even less hope of us ever being able to have a healthy relationship. It's just heartbreaking.

I will post the gist of my story in another thread at some point. But I know everyone here already knows my story because I've read everyone else's threads and we're all dating the same person :/

Again, thank you all.

Sincerely,
Trinity

marie1960

Thank goodness you never allowed him to move in with you.

The years I spent with the ex alcoholic, we maintained separate homes. Thinking back on it , somewhere inthe back of my mind, I knew it would not be in my best interest to combine households.

It saddens me to read your story, so many of us have compromised our own healthy lives, in these one sided relationships.

Sorry to hear he got fired again, but it doesn’t surprise me, it just part of everyday life aboard the crazy train.

When you have had enough. And it sounds like you are getting real close, you will simply be done.

Remember his actions, equal his consequences. You did NOT cause this, he did , with his unacceptable life choices, YOU are not responsible for him, or should you feel guilty in choosing normal, and healthy for yourself.

hopeful4

I always say this. Give yourself the same advise you would give your own daughter and follow it. That normally makes things crystal clear.

The fact that he has lost his fifth job, and has no license, due to drinking...says so much.

theuncertainty

I don't have any words of advice, but I can completely commiserate, Trinity. I frequently said AXH couldn't tell the truth it even if climbed into his mouth and tried to jump out. I still feel that way and I haven't spoken to him in YEARS.

I remember feeling stuck, kind of like you describe, in trying to make sure he knew that I knew he was lying. For me, it just clicked one day that him knowing that I knew when he lied never changed the fact that he had lied and he never once acknowledged that he was caught out, so it was an exercise in futility.