Glenjo99

So on another thread I just received an insight into something I think I'm doing that is impeding my getting over someone.

It's been nearly 3 months now since detaching. I have been listening to many spiritual teachers who all give advice on how to get over someone, and one thing I've been doing is praying for him every morning and for the highest good in this situation! There is no situation, he's gone for all intensive purposes! And I think praying for him each morning is helping to keep me stuck.

I think I've just realised that this is keeping him in my thoughts and stopping me get over him and fully moving on!!!

Has anyone experience of this? To truly detach, does that mean also not praying for them, releasing them from your thoughts. Or do some of you pray for them and still move on?

Mango212

I focus my prayers/thoughts/meditations on healthy places, good, fun, focusing, learning new things I like, letting my imagination grow.

The rest comes about naturally. Where the attention goes, energy flows.

FireSprite

Shades of grey apply because every situation is different. In my situation I can let go and detach from my husband but still pray for him and His Highest Good as the father of my child, because we are irrevocably attached through her. But for you, there's no reason to hold onto your ex in your thoughts on a daily basis, especially when doing so causes you pain.

hearthealth

I think early in recovery it kept me stuck. I began to say a prayer for myself and those close to me. Staying so busy on my life I couldn't think of the previous lifestyle. I had to be selfish. When I was feeling the strongest and when I was grateful then I could say a prayer for the qualifier.

LifeRecovery

Glenjo-

I struggled to prayer to MY higher power (HP) about my ex. I kept wanting to tell my HP what to do with him and it did not keep me well detached.

The trick for me was praying to his HP (or to anyone else I was struggling with).

I seemed to stop trying to control everything with that switch.

It also allowed me to be in grey areas, hurt, mad etc but it separated out my feelings and wanting what was best for him.

I don't know why it worked but it helped. I was in a crisis moment when it happened but I was glad it did.

Glenjo99

My hunch is it's keeping me stuck too. Each morning, I say, I pray for the highest good for all in this situation. It's a lovely prayer but my feeling is it's keeping me stuck now, it's almost like, what situation? Made more sense in the first days/weeks. I'm not sure but I think I'd like to stop for while

Glenjo99

That's interesting. I have a feeling if I start praying to his higher power, it will have the effect of keeping him in my thoughts?

dandylion

For me...I had thoughts of him, at 3 months.....and, I didn't even pray. So, I know that it wasn't prayer that was doing it....
I was grieving....

Glenjo99

Ah ok. Probably hoping for a quick fix to my thinking about him. I know I am grieving for sure. Think I'm going to give the praying for him a miss though and see if it helps.

LifeRecovery

It may. I don't remember how far out I was when I desperately needed to let go of something with him (I was in the same place as he and his fiance) and was crawling out of my skin. This worked and it continued to work ongoing for me. I may have been more than months out however.

I read a great book that helped called "How Can I Forgive You and the Freedom Not Too," which helped immensely in this time. It gave me permission to be angry, and know that it was okay to not feel loving toward him. The opposite of love I believe is not hate, but indifference......but that took me some time to move through.

Have you heard of Loving Kindness Meditation? It is often guided and you can get ideas for it on the internet. It is a meditation that you do for someone you love, someone you are challenged by, the bigger universe etc. They talk about how if you are entangled with a person in the moment you often cannot do this Meditation for that person directly. I found that to be true.

For me time took time and I don't know if months out I was in a place that I could have been in self-care for me and praying for him. For me that might have been me trying to follow the "Good Girl Rules."

Carol Star

It took me 2 years to fully let go......I was just soooo sad- then one day I heard myself laugh out loud and I knew- I was back.......I had let go. There was life after letting him go.

trailmix

I think stopping, at least for a while, is a good idea.

I wonder, with you, do you know exactly what you are missing? Is it more of a void or him specifically.

It might be worthwhile examining that a bit? Removing him from your thoughts is helpful but if it is a void you are grieving as well, ie: I had this (not him - this) and now I don't have it and that makes me sad vs I had this amazing person in my life and now they are gone.

I'm not saying you just need to find a nice guy to fill the void and all will be well, but being in a relationship, especially where you were in such frequent contact and then going to none, does leave a void, I've been there. What to do what to do! There is this big gaping hole of time.

Could be compared to people who miss the drama once an alcoholic has left the relationship. They are used to the drama and the roller coaster and the putting out fires and being in flight or fight mode and then zilch, peace, quiet. I saw someone ask the other day if the "missing" of that ever stops once you have been in it. Doesn't mean you want to hop back on the roller coaster, but it is a big shift.

Going from near constant contact to nothing is a BIG shift.

Have you changed your routine up much? Have you tried anything new? I have said that before and the reason why is because of this very thing. How can you address that void when you don't have anything to fill it?

Glenjo99

2 years. Ok well that puts it into perspective. I forget at times how early on it is. Did you try stuff like praying for him etc

Glenjo99

I think it's him specifically. Or the him I thought I knew. I have changed things up to fill the void in terms of exercise. I started yoga classes and I'm walking/running a bit more. I go on walks listening to podcasts etc. Not sure maybe it is drama I miss too, he was always interesting and up to something, very charismatic.

Like I think I mentioned before, I just want a day where I can not think about him. Then I'll know I've moved on. Maybe that expectation is too high. Probably still too soon.

Glenjo99

Thanks I'll try that meditation.

trailmix

Yes, it probably is still too soon. So if praying sets you up for thinking about him more (I think you are really on to something there by the way, how could it not?). Do you think this journey of self-healing also sets you up?

If you had never met him perhaps the whole issue of co-dependency would not have really been on a list of priorities for you?

I guess knowing that wouldn't be very helpful because you can't stop now!

One thing I do find is that you are very forgiving. He was good looking, charismatic, charming, funny, interesting, attentive.

Was he actually nice? You mentioned briefly the other day that you listened to his music and watched what he wanted to watch, was this not self-centered behaviour on his part? Were there not other negatives? These are just questions that, of course, you don't have to share the answers to if you don't want to. I just find it strange that you still hold him in such high regard. But maybe I'm reading that wrong.

Glenjo99

You've hit a few good points there. This journey of self recovery, does it set me up too? I have thought about that too. But the answer I get is that, it has been a blessing in times where I've wanted to lash out, send him letters etc and also if I don't learn all I can from what happened, I'm destined to repeat it with someone else? I am genuinely grateful for having being woken up to my codependency. People come into our lives to teach us stuff. I want it to result in a better relationship with myself, confidence etc.

I know what your saying about holding him in high regard. I'm back and forth with this. Yes he was self centred with tv and having needs met (he was an addict, go figure). I have days where those things are to the fore and I'm glad I'm moving on. Then I remember the good times, which can't be ignored, especially at the beginning where it was all fun. Believe me I wish I could get past this holding him in high regard.

I would love a tablet, or a disc put in my brain to wipe my memories clear, where I can just get on to the next chapter.

biminiblue

Sounds to me as if this is the answer you have been praying about.

"What situation?"

You are being given a release date. It's today.

atalose

Right now all of your emotions are still wrapped all around him and that relationship.

What about detached forgiveness. Forgiveness can be a powerful healing force which can help you move on.

Glenjo99

Great way to look at it. And it actually felt good not to do it this morning! I felt it keeping me stuck do as you say was probably it's own answer.