The art of letting someone go......Fully.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Right now all of your emotions are still wrapped all around him and that relationship.
What about detached forgiveness. Forgiveness can be a powerful healing force which can help you move on.
What about detached forgiveness. Forgiveness can be a powerful healing force which can help you move on.
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You certainly have been working diligently to educate yourself.
I respect the commitment you have made to heal and honor yourself. It truly is work.
Just curious, are you balancing all this hard work with some relaxation. Some fun? Some new experiences.? Books, podcasts meetings are all fine and good, but for me the sight, sound , smell, taste of a new place, or adventure stimulates my mind, and reaffirms that there is so much I still need to experience in life. Not to mention, it’s good to just forget about troubles for a bit, and breathe it all in.
I respect the commitment you have made to heal and honor yourself. It truly is work.
Just curious, are you balancing all this hard work with some relaxation. Some fun? Some new experiences.? Books, podcasts meetings are all fine and good, but for me the sight, sound , smell, taste of a new place, or adventure stimulates my mind, and reaffirms that there is so much I still need to experience in life. Not to mention, it’s good to just forget about troubles for a bit, and breathe it all in.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
You certainly have been working diligently to educate yourself.
I respect the commitment you have made to heal and honor yourself. It truly is work.
Just curious, are you balancing all this hard work with some relaxation. Some fun? Some new experiences.? Books, podcasts meetings are all fine and good, but for me the sight, sound , smell, taste of a new place, or adventure stimulates my mind, and reaffirms that there is so much I still need to experience in life. Not to mention, it’s good to just forget about troubles for a bit, and breathe it all in.
I respect the commitment you have made to heal and honor yourself. It truly is work.
Just curious, are you balancing all this hard work with some relaxation. Some fun? Some new experiences.? Books, podcasts meetings are all fine and good, but for me the sight, sound , smell, taste of a new place, or adventure stimulates my mind, and reaffirms that there is so much I still need to experience in life. Not to mention, it’s good to just forget about troubles for a bit, and breathe it all in.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
To be honest, not so much. I would love a holiday to get away from here, see new faces, forget about meetings, podcasts, exercise and be stimulated in other ways for a while. I think here I'm always focused on it and recovering. I'm thinking I made a good start today by not focusing attention on him anymore but I may start to ease off on feeling the need to be learning etc. Unfortunately with the friends I have their idea of fun is a night out drinking, but I'm turned off alcohol. I'd like a holiday abroad alone.
How about booking a hotel somewhere a few hours away for a night. Somewhere with a nice natural setting around but people too! Go have your favourite dinner be that steak or sushi and go to a movie or play or a jazz club, whatever appeals, then maybe back to the (nice) hotel for a movie or your fav (non-learning) book.
You might find yourself refreshed.
If you don't make new pathways in your brain, you are going to keep spinning in the same ones (in a nutshell lol).
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm going to throw a suggestion out here Glenjo. If a holiday abroad isn't in the books for several months, maybe you need a mini holiday!
How about booking a hotel somewhere a few hours away for a night. Somewhere with a nice natural setting around but people too! Go have your favourite dinner be that steak or sushi and go to a movie or play or a jazz club, whatever appeals, then maybe back to the (nice) hotel for a movie or your fav (non-learning) book.
You might find yourself refreshed.
If you don't make new pathways in your brain, you are going to keep spinning in the same ones (in a nutshell lol).
How about booking a hotel somewhere a few hours away for a night. Somewhere with a nice natural setting around but people too! Go have your favourite dinner be that steak or sushi and go to a movie or play or a jazz club, whatever appeals, then maybe back to the (nice) hotel for a movie or your fav (non-learning) book.
You might find yourself refreshed.
If you don't make new pathways in your brain, you are going to keep spinning in the same ones (in a nutshell lol).
Sounds like a good idea although might need more than a night. I thought I was making new pathways will my new spiritual practise and learnings?
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Sounds like a good idea although might need more than a night. I thought I was making new pathways will my new spiritual practise and learnings?
That's why the suggestions about breaking away from it for a bit. It's that whole balance thing (there must be some book learnin in there about balance right lol)
No, one night away won't cut it in terms of truly relaxing, no question, you just get a different view. You will think about different things you will see other than your norm, everything will be different! That's refreshing in itself, that gets you thinking about - different - gets your imagination in gear.
You will be surprised what a difference it makes.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, I certainly think you are. I also think you are working yourself in to a learning rut, which in it's own way can also be limiting.
That's why the suggestions about breaking away from it for a bit. It's that whole balance thing (there must be some book learnin in there about balance right lol)
No, one night away won't cut it in terms of truly relaxing, no question, you just get a different view. You will think about different things you will see other than your norm, everything will be different! That's refreshing in itself, that gets you thinking about - different - gets your imagination in gear.
You will be surprised what a difference it makes.
That's why the suggestions about breaking away from it for a bit. It's that whole balance thing (there must be some book learnin in there about balance right lol)
No, one night away won't cut it in terms of truly relaxing, no question, you just get a different view. You will think about different things you will see other than your norm, everything will be different! That's refreshing in itself, that gets you thinking about - different - gets your imagination in gear.
You will be surprised what a difference it makes.
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Another vote for the holiday. After my ex-fiance broke up with me, I spent about a month hopping from hostel to hostel and it did me a world of good.
Eventually I got to a place where if I thought about my ex, I didn't really care that I did. When I remember my relationship now with him, it's like viewing a piece of art in a museum. I understand it and realize why it has its place, but there are other things I'd rather focus on. When I do examine it, it's to pick out the features that make it noteworthy enough for exhibition, but the emotional impact just isn't there anymore.
The people I befriended after the breakup are still friends with me to this day almost twenty years later. My world ended up being so much richer, and I'm proud of the accomplishments I made during that period. However, the FIRST step towards those accomplishments didn't happen until half a year passed by, so take your time. Grief is not a race.
Eventually I got to a place where if I thought about my ex, I didn't really care that I did. When I remember my relationship now with him, it's like viewing a piece of art in a museum. I understand it and realize why it has its place, but there are other things I'd rather focus on. When I do examine it, it's to pick out the features that make it noteworthy enough for exhibition, but the emotional impact just isn't there anymore.
The people I befriended after the breakup are still friends with me to this day almost twenty years later. My world ended up being so much richer, and I'm proud of the accomplishments I made during that period. However, the FIRST step towards those accomplishments didn't happen until half a year passed by, so take your time. Grief is not a race.
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I took a scheduled long weekend in early summer & had no other plans to get away.
In late June/early July I hit a breakdown point ~again~ and fleetingly wished I could get back to my favorite place & just chill.
Literal days later, a friend/client called to ask if I wanted to take their already-paid-for condo for the upcoming holiday week (8 days over the 4th of July) because they'd gotten sick & couldn't go. They remembered how much I loved this place & since it's a timeshare thing for them, it was stupid-cheap. (they still refused to let me try to reimburse them) A new place to me at the same beach I already love & at a time when I could manage the slightly longer commute easily.
This is how LOA has been showing up in my life - I went back & read a post of mine from my 1st long weekend (about 3 wks before the condo thing manifested) & I had said it clearly with no resistance:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
Don't discount something showing up for you Glen - don't push it away vibrationally as an impossibility. You just never know.
I do agree with the overall idea here that while recovery work is critical & vital, sometimes you have to just take a break & LIVE - just like we talked about in your thread about Codie Isolation.
In late June/early July I hit a breakdown point ~again~ and fleetingly wished I could get back to my favorite place & just chill.
Literal days later, a friend/client called to ask if I wanted to take their already-paid-for condo for the upcoming holiday week (8 days over the 4th of July) because they'd gotten sick & couldn't go. They remembered how much I loved this place & since it's a timeshare thing for them, it was stupid-cheap. (they still refused to let me try to reimburse them) A new place to me at the same beach I already love & at a time when I could manage the slightly longer commute easily.
This is how LOA has been showing up in my life - I went back & read a post of mine from my 1st long weekend (about 3 wks before the condo thing manifested) & I had said it clearly with no resistance:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
Don't discount something showing up for you Glen - don't push it away vibrationally as an impossibility. You just never know.
I do agree with the overall idea here that while recovery work is critical & vital, sometimes you have to just take a break & LIVE - just like we talked about in your thread about Codie Isolation.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I took a scheduled long weekend in early summer & had no other plans to get away.
In late June/early July I hit a breakdown point ~again~ and fleetingly wished I could get back to my favorite place & just chill.
Literal days later, a friend/client called to ask if I wanted to take their already-paid-for condo for the upcoming holiday week (8 days over the 4th of July) because they'd gotten sick & couldn't go. They remembered how much I loved this place & since it's a timeshare thing for them, it was stupid-cheap. (they still refused to let me try to reimburse them) A new place to me at the same beach I already love & at a time when I could manage the slightly longer commute easily.
This is how LOA has been showing up in my life - I went back & read a post of mine from my 1st long weekend (about 3 wks before the condo thing manifested) & I had said it clearly with no resistance:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
Don't discount something showing up for you Glen - don't push it away vibrationally as an impossibility. You just never know.
I do agree with the overall idea here that while recovery work is critical & vital, sometimes you have to just take a break & LIVE - just like we talked about in your thread about Codie Isolation.
In late June/early July I hit a breakdown point ~again~ and fleetingly wished I could get back to my favorite place & just chill.
Literal days later, a friend/client called to ask if I wanted to take their already-paid-for condo for the upcoming holiday week (8 days over the 4th of July) because they'd gotten sick & couldn't go. They remembered how much I loved this place & since it's a timeshare thing for them, it was stupid-cheap. (they still refused to let me try to reimburse them) A new place to me at the same beach I already love & at a time when I could manage the slightly longer commute easily.
This is how LOA has been showing up in my life - I went back & read a post of mine from my 1st long weekend (about 3 wks before the condo thing manifested) & I had said it clearly with no resistance:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
Don't discount something showing up for you Glen - don't push it away vibrationally as an impossibility. You just never know.
I do agree with the overall idea here that while recovery work is critical & vital, sometimes you have to just take a break & LIVE - just like we talked about in your thread about Codie Isolation.
Taking a break and living sounds attractive. Even my home now resonates of "chore" because I have so many books, cut outs of affirmations etc in it. Lots of memories in it too.
I'm walking a lot listening to loa stuff. Even that becomes a chore. Ideally I would like another life away from here, but I'd be bringing myself with me.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Another vote for the holiday. After my ex-fiance broke up with me, I spent about a month hopping from hostel to hostel and it did me a world of good.
Eventually I got to a place where if I thought about my ex, I didn't really care that I did. When I remember my relationship now with him, it's like viewing a piece of art in a museum. I understand it and realize why it has its place, but there are other things I'd rather focus on. When I do examine it, it's to pick out the features that make it noteworthy enough for exhibition, but the emotional impact just isn't there anymore.
The people I befriended after the breakup are still friends with me to this day almost twenty years later. My world ended up being so much richer, and I'm proud of the accomplishments I made during that period. However, the FIRST step towards those accomplishments didn't happen until half a year passed by, so take your time. Grief is not a race.
Eventually I got to a place where if I thought about my ex, I didn't really care that I did. When I remember my relationship now with him, it's like viewing a piece of art in a museum. I understand it and realize why it has its place, but there are other things I'd rather focus on. When I do examine it, it's to pick out the features that make it noteworthy enough for exhibition, but the emotional impact just isn't there anymore.
The people I befriended after the breakup are still friends with me to this day almost twenty years later. My world ended up being so much richer, and I'm proud of the accomplishments I made during that period. However, the FIRST step towards those accomplishments didn't happen until half a year passed by, so take your time. Grief is not a race.
I made a decision to stop praying for him yesterday. Today I'm thinking about him more than ever
Surely there's gotta be a way to stop the thoughts!!!! A pill or something 🙄. I'm probably still too soon into grief, just tired of it now.
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Simple stuff like driving a new way to work or home helps create those new mental wirings too.
Change up some of your passwords to more positive-mindful things & force yourself to slow down to remember it in order to log in - new pathways.
Rearrange furniture or tackle small home improvement changes. I burned a couch & painted my bedroom.
Read some fiction. Get lost in junkie TV for a while - find NEW shows.
Have you considered volunteering for a charity or something? We have a large animal shelter that DD started volunteering at in middle school & they always need someone to bring treats & toys for the kittens & cats. (dogs required a bit more work & she was too young, lol)
Change up some of your passwords to more positive-mindful things & force yourself to slow down to remember it in order to log in - new pathways.
Rearrange furniture or tackle small home improvement changes. I burned a couch & painted my bedroom.
Read some fiction. Get lost in junkie TV for a while - find NEW shows.
Have you considered volunteering for a charity or something? We have a large animal shelter that DD started volunteering at in middle school & they always need someone to bring treats & toys for the kittens & cats. (dogs required a bit more work & she was too young, lol)
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Simple stuff like driving a new way to work or home helps create those new mental wirings too.
Change up some of your passwords to more positive-mindful things & force yourself to slow down to remember it in order to log in - new pathways.
Rearrange furniture or tackle small home improvement changes. I burned a couch & painted my bedroom.
Read some fiction. Get lost in junkie TV for a while - find NEW shows.
Have you considered volunteering for a charity or something? We have a large animal shelter that DD started volunteering at in middle school & they always need someone to bring treats & toys for the kittens & cats. (dogs required a bit more work & she was too young, lol)
Change up some of your passwords to more positive-mindful things & force yourself to slow down to remember it in order to log in - new pathways.
Rearrange furniture or tackle small home improvement changes. I burned a couch & painted my bedroom.
Read some fiction. Get lost in junkie TV for a while - find NEW shows.
Have you considered volunteering for a charity or something? We have a large animal shelter that DD started volunteering at in middle school & they always need someone to bring treats & toys for the kittens & cats. (dogs required a bit more work & she was too young, lol)
I feel I need something bigger. Like a brain transplant.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Unfortunately funds are an issue but that's probably more resistance.
Surely there's gotta be a way to stop the thoughts!!!! A pill or something ��. I'm probably still too soon into grief, just tired of it now.
I remember when I was at the angry stage (which I forced myself in to almost because I was SO tired of the uncertain/worry stage) eventually I got to the point where I was TIRED of being angry. It wasn't serving me anymore and was a waste of time, I didn't need it anymore.
So I literally let it go. I thought to myself, ok, that's done, I don't need it, it doesn't feel appropriate anymore plus it's boring, time to do something fun and I surely don't need to think about <insert appropriate name here>. It's a nudge from your mind saying, hey, why are you holding on to this again? Do you need to review why you are doing that?
Self-help information, in a way, is holding on to him. Praying for him is a way of holding on to him, but you probably already know this.
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I get where you are coming from when you say your friends just want to party and that doesn’t appeal to you at this time.
I can only suggest you search out like minded people. The best way I know how to do that is either join a service organization where everyone shares a interest in the organization’s platform, or search your community’s calendar of events, there are usually inexpensive options. The goal is to meet like minded people, make some new contacts, and maybe some new friends, stimulate your mind with new and interesting thoughts. Even a day day trip to a neighboring community can offer a healthy escape. Think outside the box, take a chance, not ventured. Nothing gained.
I can only suggest you search out like minded people. The best way I know how to do that is either join a service organization where everyone shares a interest in the organization’s platform, or search your community’s calendar of events, there are usually inexpensive options. The goal is to meet like minded people, make some new contacts, and maybe some new friends, stimulate your mind with new and interesting thoughts. Even a day day trip to a neighboring community can offer a healthy escape. Think outside the box, take a chance, not ventured. Nothing gained.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It is!
Actually I think you are working your way toward letting go of those thoughts and that is why you are "tired" of it.
I remember when I was at the angry stage (which I forced myself in to almost because I was SO tired of the uncertain/worry stage) eventually I got to the point where I was TIRED of being angry. It wasn't serving me anymore and was a waste of time, I didn't need it anymore.
So I literally let it go. I thought to myself, ok, that's done, I don't need it, it doesn't feel appropriate anymore plus it's boring, time to do something fun and I surely don't need to think about <insert appropriate name here>. It's a nudge from your mind saying, hey, why are you holding on to this again? Do you need to review why you are doing that?
Self-help information, in a way, is holding on to him. Praying for him is a way of holding on to him, but you probably already know this.
Actually I think you are working your way toward letting go of those thoughts and that is why you are "tired" of it.
I remember when I was at the angry stage (which I forced myself in to almost because I was SO tired of the uncertain/worry stage) eventually I got to the point where I was TIRED of being angry. It wasn't serving me anymore and was a waste of time, I didn't need it anymore.
So I literally let it go. I thought to myself, ok, that's done, I don't need it, it doesn't feel appropriate anymore plus it's boring, time to do something fun and I surely don't need to think about <insert appropriate name here>. It's a nudge from your mind saying, hey, why are you holding on to this again? Do you need to review why you are doing that?
Self-help information, in a way, is holding on to him. Praying for him is a way of holding on to him, but you probably already know this.
Self help and praying, a way of holding on. Yes I think so too .
I remember a few weeks back I thought, why don't I just block him out, I can do this mentally with some people if needs be. I chose not to with him as I wanted to go through this process and learn all I can so as not to repeat it and learn about codependency.
Today my feeling is block him mentally. I have a fear if I do that, that I'm also blocking learning, but I'm tired of learning.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Today my feeling is block him mentally. I have a fear if I do that, that I'm also blocking learning, but I'm tired of learning.
Like with learning. Say you take a course in detecting when people are really sad (as an example). You take the 3 month course and you are learning about facial expressions and key words and actions etc.
As you go about your life out in the world you make mental notes of people you encounter and their mood, applying what you have learned.
Eventually the course finishes, you move along. Now, will you always be doing facial recognition for sadness in people? Maybe to some degree but it will come naturally, just like all learning should be. Might it trigger you to want to learn more, perhaps, maybe not.
They are skills, they are meant to be applied and be helpful, not become the center of your universe.
Your self-awareness now doesn't need to be centered on him and your experience with him. You are far beyond that now.
Try letting some of that go. I know what you mean by blocking, I do that too to greater and lesser degrees. I'm sure a psychologist would say it's unhealthy (I don't care lol). It's a defense mechanism and I know it and it's a tool and I use it.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think you are really on to something.
Like with learning. Say you take a course in detecting when people are really sad (as an example). You take the 3 month course and you are learning about facial expressions and key words and actions etc.
As you go about your life out in the world you make mental notes of people you encounter and their mood, applying what you have learned.
Eventually the course finishes, you move along. Now, will you always be doing facial recognition for sadness in people? Maybe to some degree but it will come naturally, just like all learning should be. Might it trigger you to want to learn more, perhaps, maybe not.
They are skills, they are meant to be applied and be helpful, not become the center of your universe.
Your self-awareness now doesn't need to be centered on him and your experience with him. You are far beyond that now.
Try letting some of that go. I know what you mean by blocking, I do that too to greater and lesser degrees. I'm sure a psychologist would say it's unhealthy (I don't care lol). It's a defense mechanism and I know it and it's a tool and I use it.
Like with learning. Say you take a course in detecting when people are really sad (as an example). You take the 3 month course and you are learning about facial expressions and key words and actions etc.
As you go about your life out in the world you make mental notes of people you encounter and their mood, applying what you have learned.
Eventually the course finishes, you move along. Now, will you always be doing facial recognition for sadness in people? Maybe to some degree but it will come naturally, just like all learning should be. Might it trigger you to want to learn more, perhaps, maybe not.
They are skills, they are meant to be applied and be helpful, not become the center of your universe.
Your self-awareness now doesn't need to be centered on him and your experience with him. You are far beyond that now.
Try letting some of that go. I know what you mean by blocking, I do that too to greater and lesser degrees. I'm sure a psychologist would say it's unhealthy (I don't care lol). It's a defense mechanism and I know it and it's a tool and I use it.
I'm on a course, where they teach this is not helpful, but I agree with you. I don't care, it is a coping mechanism!
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Originally Posted by marie1960
I get where you are coming from when you say your friends just want to party and that doesn’t appeal to you at this time.
I can only suggest you search out like minded people. The best way I know how to do that is either join a service organization where everyone shares a interest in the organization’s platform, or search your community’s calendar of events, there are usually inexpensive options. The goal is to meet like minded people, make some new contacts, and maybe some new friends, stimulate your mind with new and interesting thoughts. Even a day day trip to a neighboring community can offer a healthy escape. Think outside the box, take a chance, not ventured. Nothing gained.
I can only suggest you search out like minded people. The best way I know how to do that is either join a service organization where everyone shares a interest in the organization’s platform, or search your community’s calendar of events, there are usually inexpensive options. The goal is to meet like minded people, make some new contacts, and maybe some new friends, stimulate your mind with new and interesting thoughts. Even a day day trip to a neighboring community can offer a healthy escape. Think outside the box, take a chance, not ventured. Nothing gained.
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