The art of letting someone go......Fully.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
Originally Posted by trailmix 
So true dandylion!
For me, I had a family member that listened to me for hours. She knew something about the subject (narcissism/sociopathy) ok - a lot about it, so it was invaluable to me to have that person to listen and to get through to me.
I also think when you talk about it you find out a lot about your own thinking and your own perspective and things you might be missing when you review it in your own mind.
For instance, you may dwell a lot on all the fun and conversations etc when in fact there are a lot of negatives in there that you are flying past in those thoughts. Unless you have feedback - ie: someone saying - but hold on, wasn't he yelling at you about not coming to visit the night before and weren't you crying on the phone for an hour and when you told him to stop that you couldn't take any more he carried on?
I just think we can get so carried away in the dialogue that goes through our heads that we don't stop to say - ok, what the hell was that??
One other thing. When I would say - I'm not done with this yet and blah blah blah - my listener said and this is true and true for you too Glenjo, I did not have to cut him out of my life forever. I didn't have to never see him again, that is just not true. Thinking like that is going to get you every single time. It's like the addict that says - OMG I will never get to go to the pub and watch footie with the guys again!! There is free will, you are not in prison, go watch footie and drink, call ex boyfriend, same thing, you can do that very thing if you want to.
As you know, from the story I have told, I did just that and I have written about the ensuing disaster.
So my point is, in glossing over the personality traits from the narc and the situations that were horrible or less than nice, I allowed that person back in to my life. By doing that I then saw, in front of me, what a self-serving person he is/was.
You have two choices, stop overlooking those big red flags (this takes time and intent) or invite him back in to your life. The former will be much easier for you by the way.
For me, I had a family member that listened to me for hours. She knew something about the subject (narcissism/sociopathy) ok - a lot about it, so it was invaluable to me to have that person to listen and to get through to me.
I also think when you talk about it you find out a lot about your own thinking and your own perspective and things you might be missing when you review it in your own mind.
For instance, you may dwell a lot on all the fun and conversations etc when in fact there are a lot of negatives in there that you are flying past in those thoughts. Unless you have feedback - ie: someone saying - but hold on, wasn't he yelling at you about not coming to visit the night before and weren't you crying on the phone for an hour and when you told him to stop that you couldn't take any more he carried on?
I just think we can get so carried away in the dialogue that goes through our heads that we don't stop to say - ok, what the hell was that??
One other thing. When I would say - I'm not done with this yet and blah blah blah - my listener said and this is true and true for you too Glenjo, I did not have to cut him out of my life forever. I didn't have to never see him again, that is just not true. Thinking like that is going to get you every single time. It's like the addict that says - OMG I will never get to go to the pub and watch footie with the guys again!! There is free will, you are not in prison, go watch footie and drink, call ex boyfriend, same thing, you can do that very thing if you want to.
As you know, from the story I have told, I did just that and I have written about the ensuing disaster.
So my point is, in glossing over the personality traits from the narc and the situations that were horrible or less than nice, I allowed that person back in to my life. By doing that I then saw, in front of me, what a self-serving person he is/was.
You have two choices, stop overlooking those big red flags (this takes time and intent) or invite him back in to your life. The former will be much easier for you by the way.
Initially that was flattering, look how much time we spend together! It was fun too, don't get me wrong, this person could be interesting and very funny.
At some point I did realize a lot of "all that time together" was actually possessiveness. He wanted to know where I was, what I was doing. Whether that was a trust issue, personality defect or who knows what, from his side, I don't know (and now do not care) but don't overlook things like that.
On the surface some things that may appear as caring and interest may in fact be that red flag.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So true dandylion!
For me, I had a family member that listened to me for hours. She knew something about the subject (narcissism/sociopathy) ok - a lot about it, so it was invaluable to me to have that person to listen and to get through to me.
I also think when you talk about it you find out a lot about your own thinking and your own perspective and things you might be missing when you review it in your own mind.
For instance, you may dwell a lot on all the fun and conversations etc when in fact there are a lot of negatives in there that you are flying past in those thoughts. Unless you have feedback - ie: someone saying - but hold on, wasn't he yelling at you about not coming to visit the night before and weren't you crying on the phone for an hour and when you told him to stop that you couldn't take any more he carried on?
I just think we can get so carried away in the dialogue that goes through our heads that we don't stop to say - ok, what the hell was that??
One other thing. When I would say - I'm not done with this yet and blah blah blah - my listener said and this is true and true for you too Glenjo, I did not have to cut him out of my life forever. I didn't have to never see him again, that is just not true. Thinking like that is going to get you every single time. It's like the addict that says - OMG I will never get to go to the pub and watch footie with the guys again!! There is free will, you are not in prison, go watch footie and drink, call ex boyfriend, same thing, you can do that very thing if you want to.
As you know, from the story I have told, I did just that and I have written about the ensuing disaster.
So my point is, in glossing over the personality traits from the narc and the situations that were horrible or less than nice, I allowed that person back in to my life. By doing that I then saw, in front of me, what a self-serving person he is/was.
You have two choices, stop overlooking those big red flags (this takes time and intent) or invite him back in to your life. The former will be much easier for you by the way.
For me, I had a family member that listened to me for hours. She knew something about the subject (narcissism/sociopathy) ok - a lot about it, so it was invaluable to me to have that person to listen and to get through to me.
I also think when you talk about it you find out a lot about your own thinking and your own perspective and things you might be missing when you review it in your own mind.
For instance, you may dwell a lot on all the fun and conversations etc when in fact there are a lot of negatives in there that you are flying past in those thoughts. Unless you have feedback - ie: someone saying - but hold on, wasn't he yelling at you about not coming to visit the night before and weren't you crying on the phone for an hour and when you told him to stop that you couldn't take any more he carried on?
I just think we can get so carried away in the dialogue that goes through our heads that we don't stop to say - ok, what the hell was that??
One other thing. When I would say - I'm not done with this yet and blah blah blah - my listener said and this is true and true for you too Glenjo, I did not have to cut him out of my life forever. I didn't have to never see him again, that is just not true. Thinking like that is going to get you every single time. It's like the addict that says - OMG I will never get to go to the pub and watch footie with the guys again!! There is free will, you are not in prison, go watch footie and drink, call ex boyfriend, same thing, you can do that very thing if you want to.
As you know, from the story I have told, I did just that and I have written about the ensuing disaster.
So my point is, in glossing over the personality traits from the narc and the situations that were horrible or less than nice, I allowed that person back in to my life. By doing that I then saw, in front of me, what a self-serving person he is/was.
You have two choices, stop overlooking those big red flags (this takes time and intent) or invite him back in to your life. The former will be much easier for you by the way.
I'm still holding out for that laser thing like in men in Black. Erase my memory.
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