I'm worried about my Wife.
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Dandylion... I just like hearing other people tell their stories. I'm not really looking for anything specific. This whole amends thing bothers me too. To me the only way she can ever make this right is to come home and be the mother and wife she promised to be. Maybe I'm asking too much but I stood by her through it all. I took her side when she was wrong. That is what a good husband does. He stands by his wife. What kind of person does what she has done if the 12 steps teaches you to not make any big changes for at least 1 year? Aren't they taught to "Do the next right thing?" I just don't understand how the next right thing is to blow up a family and go back to behaving like a college student at 40 years old. Since my last post I found out that my son is struggling at school. I met with his teacher today and she told me that when she asked why he wouldn't behave he said, "I mad because my mom isn't coming back home." The teacher and I both began to cry. I'm not a mother so I cannot teach my son the things a mother can. I'm afraid for his and my daughter's future. Will they quit when their relationships get hard one day? What am I teaching them if I walk? My parents had an awful relationship when I was young. Physical violence towards my father. He lied a lot but not for the reasons most people lie. He lied to appease her. I remember telling my 2 younger brothers that it was going to be ok and that it wasn't our fault and that they loved us. I've seen and been through a lot and Iearned an important lesson. Don't quit. My parents are still married and they are happier than they have ever been. My father learned to be honest and my mother learned that she need to stop being so selfish. I believe that God gives us all different gifts. I believe mine is resilience. My eyes are open. My mind and heart are open and I know what lies ahead. A lot of potential heartache and disappointment with a chance of happiness. There is nothing without hard work. If you ask me if I'm willing to be hurt more, the answer is yes. If you ask me if I'm willing to let my children to be hurt more, the answer is no. I'm not patting myself on the back when I say I'm a different breed than most. I believe our lives lead us to a point where all the lessons we learn along the way give us the tools we need once we reach our destination. I know this has probably been said a billion times but I'll say it again. I do not have it in me to love like I have loved again. I'm not being melodramatic when I say that. I promised myself I would marry once. I'm sure I'm not the first person to post that on these forums. I mean it though. I know in my heart I mean it. I wish I knew a way I could show how special she is to me, even after all that she has done. My anger will pass in time. The hurt will pass in time. The disappointment of what could have been will also pass but the place she holds in my heart will never be taken by anyone else. It is hers and hers alone. Maybe I'm more messed up than I think but maybe I'm not. I'm smiling as I write this. A little teary eyed. Like I'm waving goodbye to a childhood friend that's moving away. It's hard to put into words really.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi BRM and welcome, sorry for what brings you here though.
If you think she has any desire whatsoever to come back to your relationship (which right now it doesn't sound like she does) you could ask her to wait a year before filing for divorce and see how it goes and that you genuinely care.
If she won't agree to that she won't.
One other thing, this really stood out to me:
How many times? Was she drinking several times a week? How many times did you admonish her? Yell at her? Threaten her? I don't mean with physical violence or anything.
If you think she has any desire whatsoever to come back to your relationship (which right now it doesn't sound like she does) you could ask her to wait a year before filing for divorce and see how it goes and that you genuinely care.
If she won't agree to that she won't.
One other thing, this really stood out to me:
I reacted out of anger and frustration many times when she was drunk. I tried to shame her into sobriety and of course that never works. I was pretty uneducated about alcoholism. I was one of those that chalked it up to a lack of willpower. I know I was a good husband and father.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
Hey BRM, thanks for mentioning on the other thread that you were responding to things over here, gives me a little more background on what you're saying and what you might already be doing to help yourself.
I can't really add much to what I said on the other thread other than to just say, you know, continue to do what you're doing to help you, to help your kids. "Finding answers" is hard. I guess....keep an open mind. Do what's healthy for you. And once I get to 15 posts (because apparently there's a minimum for private messaging and this is message....6....I'm actually responding to some extra posts just to get to 15 because I find that feature to be invaluable in my experience on another support forum I've been a part of for several years) know that my inbox is always open to you for rant/vent/whatever.
Stay strong, man.
-Eric
I can't really add much to what I said on the other thread other than to just say, you know, continue to do what you're doing to help you, to help your kids. "Finding answers" is hard. I guess....keep an open mind. Do what's healthy for you. And once I get to 15 posts (because apparently there's a minimum for private messaging and this is message....6....I'm actually responding to some extra posts just to get to 15 because I find that feature to be invaluable in my experience on another support forum I've been a part of for several years) know that my inbox is always open to you for rant/vent/whatever.
Stay strong, man.
-Eric
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She would get drunk while I was at work. I would come home and find her drinking or passed out. If she was passed out I would just let her sleep. If she was awake I'd tell her how I felt. Then she would accuse me of cheating and being verbally abusive, beating our children, being a liar and manipulative. Worst thing I ever called her was a "selfish, self centered c!@t." I'm not proud of that either.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by BRM05 
She would get drunk while I was at work. I would come home and find her drinking or passed out. If she was passed out I would just let her sleep. If she was awake I'd tell her how I felt. Then she would accuse me of cheating and being verbally abusive, beating our children, being a liar and manipulative. Worst thing I ever called her was a "selfish, self centered c!@t." I'm not proud of that either.
The reason I asked is because I think it's really important to look at all aspects. While you were wrapped up in her appalling behavior she was also wrapped up in yours.
Now, to you, at the time, you might have felt like this was A-ok and justified, you mentioned that you didn't understand alcoholism and this was, of course, before her bi-polar diagnosis.
Now put yourself in her place. Her mind is not ok, she is trying to cope, she is drinking copious amounts to do so, she is probably scared and what do you give her? You call her the c word.
All i'm saying is that when she looks at you and says hell no i'm not going back there, can you see why? You say you were being a "good Husband", no, you weren't really?
So, if you go to her with your defenses down and you truly mean you wish to accept her as she is, that you want to be a true team, well, who knows, maybe she will listen.
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Originally Posted by BRM05
She would get drunk while I was at work. I would come home and find her drinking or passed out. If she was passed out I would just let her sleep. If she was awake I'd tell her how I felt. Then she would accuse me of cheating and being verbally abusive, beating our children, being a liar and manipulative. Worst thing I ever called her was a "selfish, self centered c!@t." I'm not proud of that either.
I have, historically, been a pretty patient person. ESPECIALLY with her. Which is part of how things evolved, for us, into a cycle of me enabling.
When I hit my threshold the past few months and started to snap.....I didn't quite get into those words, but I did say "you're an addict, you're stuck in your addict brain, and it's making you a stupid b----." It was in the process of realizing what was coming out of my mouth (that one, the time when I went to help her, realized there were people there who were not good for her staying sober and told her to "get in the goddamned car" and proceeded to yell at her about her friendship choices, also something I never had done before) that I started realizing that I needed help.
On the one hand, it's out of character for us. I'm not proud about my behavior, same as you.
On the other hand, maybe they need to know we've hit our threshold. It could be a sign that we all need help. And maybe a hint to them that we're not going to tolerate the behavior anymore (or at least that we are growing intolerant of it.)
Just remember that none of us are perfect. Even when trying to deal with the people we love and care about the most.
Do what you can do to help yourself. And give her the freedom to find her recovery. Recovery takes time. Healing takes time. Insight takes time. What's it that Tom Petty says? "The waiting is the hardest part...."
-Eric
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by trailmix
And there you have it. Now, I need to be really clear that I am in no way judging you. I'm just not.
The reason I asked is because I think it's really important to look at all aspects. While you were wrapped up in her appalling behavior she was also wrapped up in yours.
Now, to you, at the time, you might have felt like this was A-ok and justified, you mentioned that you didn't understand alcoholism and this was, of course, before her bi-polar diagnosis.
Now put yourself in her place. Her mind is not ok, she is trying to cope, she is drinking copious amounts to do so, she is probably scared and what do you give her? You call her the c word.
Again, not judging you (this is not about blame). All i'm saying is that when she looks at you and says hell no i'm not going back there, can you see why? You say you were being a "good Husband", no, you weren't, that's abusive.
So, if you go to her with your defenses down and you truly mean you wish to accept her as she is, that you want to be a true team, well, who knows, maybe she will listen.
The reason I asked is because I think it's really important to look at all aspects. While you were wrapped up in her appalling behavior she was also wrapped up in yours.
Now, to you, at the time, you might have felt like this was A-ok and justified, you mentioned that you didn't understand alcoholism and this was, of course, before her bi-polar diagnosis.
Now put yourself in her place. Her mind is not ok, she is trying to cope, she is drinking copious amounts to do so, she is probably scared and what do you give her? You call her the c word.
Again, not judging you (this is not about blame). All i'm saying is that when she looks at you and says hell no i'm not going back there, can you see why? You say you were being a "good Husband", no, you weren't, that's abusive.
So, if you go to her with your defenses down and you truly mean you wish to accept her as she is, that you want to be a true team, well, who knows, maybe she will listen.
TM
I understand what he is going through more than you might ever understand. Addiction takes advantage of that weakness so it will keep breathing..
Owning up to ones mistakes has it time and place. Addiction uses it...
AG
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi AG. In my opinion (based on my experience) abuse is abuse. Regardless.
Whether you are sober, whether you are an alcoholic or a heroin addict or you take pills to get high. Whether you only drink decaf, it's irrelevant.
Yes, maybe this is not the ideal time for owning up to "mistakes" however, this isn't about blame and glossing over this treatment when the man is trying to save his marriage helps no one, in my opinion.
Of course, as always, it's good to take what you like and leave the rest.
Whether you are sober, whether you are an alcoholic or a heroin addict or you take pills to get high. Whether you only drink decaf, it's irrelevant.
Yes, maybe this is not the ideal time for owning up to "mistakes" however, this isn't about blame and glossing over this treatment when the man is trying to save his marriage helps no one, in my opinion.
Of course, as always, it's good to take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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I wrote her a letter in rehab. I've never written her one before that day. It was 3 pages of owning up to all my wrongs and mistakes. I cried more while writing that letter than I did at the darkest points in our relationship because I was learning my role in all this in real time. I poured my heart out into it. I gave it to her and didn't say anything about it after. I'm starting to think that was a mistake. Maybe it just gave her more of a reason to blame me for all this. Like adding fuel to a fire.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi AG. In my opinion (based on my experience) abuse it abuse. Regardless.
Whether you are sober, whether you are an alcoholic or a heroin addict or you take pills to get high. Whether you only drink decaf, it's irrelevant.
Yes, maybe this is not the ideal time for owning up to "mistakes" however, glossing over this treatment when the man is trying to save his marriage helps no one, in my opinion.
Of course, as always, it's good to take what you like and leave the rest.
Whether you are sober, whether you are an alcoholic or a heroin addict or you take pills to get high. Whether you only drink decaf, it's irrelevant.
Yes, maybe this is not the ideal time for owning up to "mistakes" however, glossing over this treatment when the man is trying to save his marriage helps no one, in my opinion.
Of course, as always, it's good to take what you like and leave the rest.
If someone is trying to gloss over are they going to post that to a public site in the manor he did? A person with regret does that.
We are human beings the last time I checked, and are always making mistakes unless you have other issues and are unable to see them.
I'm trying to figure out how kicking a person who is down helps in anyway or maybe that is just todays society so quick to judge....
So if you want to slander someone for what they said, have done in their past... I've publically shared mine in front of hundreds of others and I welcome others to do the same. More compassion less stoning. Throwing that stone is easier for sure..
AG
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by BRM05
I wrote her a letter in rehab. I've never written her one before that day. It was 3 pages of owning up to all my wrongs and mistakes. I cried more while writing that letter than I did at the darkest points in our relationship because I was learning my role in all this in real time. I poured my heart out into it. I gave it to her and didn't say anything about it after. I'm starting to think that was a mistake. Maybe it just gave her more of a reason to blame me for all this. Like adding fuel to a fire.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing
TM
If someone is trying to gloss over are they going to post that to a public site in the manor he did? A person with regret does that.
We are human beings the last time I checked, and are always making mistakes unless you have other issues and are unable to see them.
I'm trying to figure out how kicking a person who is down helps in anyway or maybe that is just todays society so quick to judge....
So if you want to slander someone for what they said, have done in their past... I've publically shared mine in front of hundreds of others and I welcome others to do the same. More compassion less stoning. Throwing that stone is easier for sure..
AG
If someone is trying to gloss over are they going to post that to a public site in the manor he did? A person with regret does that.
We are human beings the last time I checked, and are always making mistakes unless you have other issues and are unable to see them.
I'm trying to figure out how kicking a person who is down helps in anyway or maybe that is just todays society so quick to judge....
So if you want to slander someone for what they said, have done in their past... I've publically shared mine in front of hundreds of others and I welcome others to do the same. More compassion less stoning. Throwing that stone is easier for sure..
AG
Also I never said or implied that BRM was glossing over anything, you misunderstood that, I was just saying - hey, let's talk about this.
I think BRM05 took my post as intended, based on his reply.
At the risk of hijacking this thread I'll leave it at that but feel free to PM me if you like.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Well, to begin with, your wife has been very abusive towards you. Unfortunately, that's SOP for active alcoholics. Additionally, she cheated. This is disrespect for her marriage on a fundamental level. At this point, she is not asking for reconciliation. She is not showing remorse for cheating. To me, this undermines the basic tenet of trust that needs to be built between partners in order for a marriage to thrive.
She has asked for a divorce. I think you should grant her that request. Keep in mind, with time and following her treatment for alcoholism and her mental illness, she may gain the clarity of thought to return to you. At that point,, you may have gotten on with your life.
Reconciliation is always a possibility. However, at this point in time, it sounds like living together may impact the children negatively even more.
Ultimately, only you can make the decision.
She has asked for a divorce. I think you should grant her that request. Keep in mind, with time and following her treatment for alcoholism and her mental illness, she may gain the clarity of thought to return to you. At that point,, you may have gotten on with your life.
Reconciliation is always a possibility. However, at this point in time, it sounds like living together may impact the children negatively even more.
Ultimately, only you can make the decision.
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This is the letter I wrote to my wife:
I've learned a lot these last few weeks, but mostly when I stopped thinking about how to fix you. I used to believe that it was me who was going to save you, hell or high water. I had no idea what I was thinking. All I know now is that I was completely wrong. I stopped and gave a lady holding a sign five dollars last Sunday on the way home from seeing you. I didn’t really think anything of it until Atticus asked me why I did it. He said, "Daddy, why did you give that lady money? She's just lazy." All at once, it came to me. Someone hurt her. Someone broke her down. Just like I have done to you. Now I am passing this on to my son. If I don’t change who I am today and set a better example he will be just like me. I used to think you were the one who made me mean and angry towards you. That isn't the truth. I know I've said things with the family in the car when we come across a homeless person on the street. I've said things like "Your legs work, get a job." Never once did I stop to think that maybe you could identify with what that person was going through. Never once did I stop and think that after all this time of swearing up and down that I was empathetic and a good person, that I wasn't. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you. I can't imagine how hard you work every day to tell yourself that you aren't going to drink, only to slip again. Then here I come with all the anger and hurt. All the times that I yelled at you and called you terrible things, I had no clue the damage I was doing to you. Every time I was given the chance I reacted out of anger instead of love and pushed you farther away. When I found you drunk I should have picked you up and carried you inside and told you that it was going to be ok. I should have told you that you were good enough. I should have told you that I loved you anyways. All I did was lock you outside away from the people you care about the most. I have failed you and I am more sorry than you will ever know. You are my best friend. You are my wife, and you are the mother of my children. You have given me the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I understand now that I can't save you. Only you can save yourself. We named our son after a man I used to think that I was like. The last line in To Kill a Mockingbird is this, “He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning.” I know I am not your father and I should have never tried to be. I have made mistakes. More that I can count. But if you let me, from this day forward, I will be there when you wake up in the morning, and I will be there to catch you if you fall. I love you.
I've learned a lot these last few weeks, but mostly when I stopped thinking about how to fix you. I used to believe that it was me who was going to save you, hell or high water. I had no idea what I was thinking. All I know now is that I was completely wrong. I stopped and gave a lady holding a sign five dollars last Sunday on the way home from seeing you. I didn’t really think anything of it until Atticus asked me why I did it. He said, "Daddy, why did you give that lady money? She's just lazy." All at once, it came to me. Someone hurt her. Someone broke her down. Just like I have done to you. Now I am passing this on to my son. If I don’t change who I am today and set a better example he will be just like me. I used to think you were the one who made me mean and angry towards you. That isn't the truth. I know I've said things with the family in the car when we come across a homeless person on the street. I've said things like "Your legs work, get a job." Never once did I stop to think that maybe you could identify with what that person was going through. Never once did I stop and think that after all this time of swearing up and down that I was empathetic and a good person, that I wasn't. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you. I can't imagine how hard you work every day to tell yourself that you aren't going to drink, only to slip again. Then here I come with all the anger and hurt. All the times that I yelled at you and called you terrible things, I had no clue the damage I was doing to you. Every time I was given the chance I reacted out of anger instead of love and pushed you farther away. When I found you drunk I should have picked you up and carried you inside and told you that it was going to be ok. I should have told you that you were good enough. I should have told you that I loved you anyways. All I did was lock you outside away from the people you care about the most. I have failed you and I am more sorry than you will ever know. You are my best friend. You are my wife, and you are the mother of my children. You have given me the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I understand now that I can't save you. Only you can save yourself. We named our son after a man I used to think that I was like. The last line in To Kill a Mockingbird is this, “He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning.” I know I am not your father and I should have never tried to be. I have made mistakes. More that I can count. But if you let me, from this day forward, I will be there when you wake up in the morning, and I will be there to catch you if you fall. I love you.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
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Your wife has been in contact with her affair partner. Do you think she is still in contact?
Your letter to your wife confuses me. Yes, you have made mistakes; after all, you are human. But it sounds to me like you are taking on more than your fair share of the blame for this situation.
Consider that.
Your letter to your wife confuses me. Yes, you have made mistakes; after all, you are human. But it sounds to me like you are taking on more than your fair share of the blame for this situation.
Consider that.
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As of last week she was still in contact with him. I did accept more than my fair share. I always have. Its enabling her to take advantage and point the finger at me. I understand that now. I didn't when I was writing the letter. I'm kind of a pushover to be honest. I can see that now looking back.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Your wife not only shows no remorse for her affair, but she is asking for a divorce. I know this has to be so painful for you, but at this point it would be best if you let her go.
Like I said, she may very well come to her senses and return to you.
Have you considered separation rather than divorce?
Like I said, she may very well come to her senses and return to you.
Have you considered separation rather than divorce?
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