I'm worried about my Wife.

Old 09-25-2018, 04:21 AM
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I'm worried about my Wife.

My wife has been out of alcohol rehab for 3 weeks and went straight into sober living and IOP. She has recently admitted to having an affair that began between the day I kicked her out of the house and before she entered rehab. I finally had enough when I came home from work and found her passed out drunk on the couch at 5am. She had urinated on herself and our 3 year old daughter was sleeping beside her, soaked in her mother's urine. I told her to get out and to not come back until she was clean. 3 days later she had sex with a coworker in his car after work. 3 days after that she called her mother and said she was scared and wanted to go to rehab. She also admitted that the entire time she was in rehab she would call her affair partner and talk to him. She only called to talk to our kids a total of 9 times during the entire 30 day, 12 step program. She was diagnosed bipolar while she was there and in currently on 100mg Zoloft and Lamictal. She is now saying she wants a divorce and hasn't ever truly loved me. Also a week after she got out of rehab she got a new job at a brunch restaurant that serves alcohol, as most people go to brunch to drink. She refuses marriage counciling and wants an "irreconcilable differences" divorce. I don't want divorce. I told her if we did divorce that I was going to file on the grounds of adultery. We live in an at fault state. She freaked out and said i was being vindictive and that I was going to "rake her over the coals and ruin her." While in sober living she has only called to talk to our children a handful of times and it's only for a few minutes at best. The kids miss her and she says she isn't coming home. They are both regressing in the way they behave and I'm doing all I can right now to support them and meet their needs. I don't drink. I hate alcohol. Its ruined my marriage and I just don't know how to break through to my wife. Between the affair, the bipolar diagnosis and the new meds, and the new sobriety (she has 45 days as of today), what should I do? I'm not a quitter and I know how to forgive. I love my wife. Should I give her a divorce or is she out of her head right now?
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Old 09-25-2018, 04:47 AM
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Hi BRM05, you're going through an awful period right now, and it's must be terrible seeing the children in pain. One of the worst aspects of living with and loving an A is the realisation that you can't control them. You can't keep them sober and you can't force them to stay married to you. The more you push, the harder she will push back.
Your post implies she might be drinking again as she's working in place that serves alcohol. Do you have any more indications, like when she talks to you?
I suggest you take things softly and slowly but make your plans. Nothing has to happen tomorrow, but you can't hold back time either. Get legal advice, especially around custody, because you can't trust her alone with the children until she has some solid sober time together.
Currently she's in the exciting stage of a relationship, coping with sobriety (I hope) and is completely wrapped up in herself. Stay calm, don't fight her unless you have to, and if she's still intent on divorce don't go down the adultery route. Neither your or the children will benefit from that.
You will benefit from planning for the worst even if it doesn't eventuate.
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Old 09-25-2018, 04:53 AM
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hi and welcome

You can't give your wife anything. If she wants a divorce she can have one. In learning about alcoholism I found out that being unfaithful is something people do and it is not a feature of being an alcoholic so if you are expecting her to change if she stays sober you maybe disappointed that that side of her doesn't change.

I don't want divorce.

Maybe you need to work out why cos from what you have said their is precious little to save in your marriage, your wife is having affairs and has told you she doesn't love you. Her behaviour is effecting your children. Alcoholism is progressive and she will only get worse. Is this what you want for your life and your kids?

So yes I'd "give her a divorce". I divorced from my alcoholic husband 4 years ago and life has been much better. Learn all you can from the stickies at the top of the forum about alcoholism. You will see that much of her behaviour is her and nothing to do with her drinking.
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Old 09-25-2018, 05:38 AM
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BRM05, hang on to your sanity! I know how hard it must be.

She just got this diagnosis and just got medicated. It's going to take many months before she is stable again, never mind the diagnosis - she's a newly sober alcoholic who has just blown up her whole life. Her meds are going to be a moving target. I'm in recovery myself (nearly five years sober) and the first year is a roller coaster even without new medication that may or may not be the right one(s). I'm glad I was single, I would have made a big mess of any relationship at the end of my drinking and in that first year of sobriety.

Focus on making the very best, full, fun, safe life you can for those kids. They deserve it and they will give you love and strength... between tantrums.

I do understand you wanting it to work. It's going to take time, you are also in shock and grief. Time will settle this out. You'll know when you've had enough and no one can help you get there - it's an inside thing, but it doesn't sound like there's a lot left to save at this point. You'll find all kinds of stories here, lots of wisdom if you read through the threads.

The wife...? Who knows. She may get better. May not. Statistics aren't really in her favor for long-term success. Addicts/alcoholics are nothing if not selfish. More will be revealed. I would definitely try to give her a very long leash right now, she has a lot to overcome and to prove before any trust is possible. The bipolar diagnosis may change over time, too.
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Old 09-25-2018, 05:50 AM
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BRM..….45 days is still very, very early on....
One thing to be aware of is that a person who is bi-polar, and, perhaps, in a hypomanic state is commonly hyper sexual.....promiscuity is common...even if it is not in their usual character....as are a lot of other impulsive behaviors....
When a person is heavily intoxicated, it is hard to know where any of the behaviors are really coming from.....
I would say that it is important for you to not "panic", at this point. You will need some professional support...as much as you can get.
Of course, you will need legal advice...even if you are not planning to do anything, right now....especially around issues of custody....
You should have your own therapist/counselor who is experienced with treating families of the addicted....(one would assume that any decent counselor will have some basic knowledge of bi-polar)……

You are going to need to educate yourself about alcoholism as well as bi-polar...

If she is truly bi-polar...she will need ongoing supervision by a psychiatrist in addition to her other therapies....as she will need her medications and symptoms monitored.....
Your own therapist can help you with your parenting...I would say to keep life as stable and as close to "normal" as possible....they probably will need extra time and attention from you, just now.....
Perhaps, you can work it out with your wife to see the children for some short visits, with you present...

The next year is likely to be a rocky time for your wife and your family...as it will take some time to see just how the future is going to unfold.....
Just be sure to get lots of professional help....
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Old 09-25-2018, 05:53 AM
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BRM.....we have an extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....more than 100--enough for you to read one every single day..lol…
These articles are contained within the stickies, just above the threads....for now, I am giving you the following link...…
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power....
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Old 09-25-2018, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
BRM.....we have an extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....more than 100--enough for you to read one every single day..lol…
These articles are contained within the stickies, just above the threads....for now, I am giving you the following link...…
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 09-25-2018, 07:08 AM
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I have been educating myself about alcoholism and bipolar disorder since she got the diagnosis the first week in treatment. I have also been going to Al Anon meetings every week. Our marriage has not been a bad one. We only ever fought when she would get drunk, at which point she would tell me how I "beat and abused our children, was a cheater and a liar, a deadbeat dad" etc. The next day I would always ask her why she would say things like that to me and she would always apologize and tell me that she didn't really think that. We loved each other a lot. I still do. She has NEVER cheated before this affair and before you think I am naïve, I have made very sure that I am correct. Here's is part that's hard for me to understand. 4 days before I made her leave she stopped me in the kitchen while I was on my way out the door to work and she said "I know I haven't been the best mother or wife but I want you to know that I'm trying hard and this is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Please don't give up on me." I responded "I'll never quit on you as long as you never quit on yourself. I'll always be here to help you and I'm not giving up on you." She cried, I cried, we told each other I love you, kissed and then I went to work. She later told me that she didn't mean a word she said that day and that it was a lie. She said she was trying to rationalize her feelings and make herself believe that it was the truth. I just don't buy it. I believe that she is just trying to take the easy route because she knows that this marriage will require hard work. Its always easier to scorch earth and move on.

Last edited by BRM05; 09-25-2018 at 07:21 AM. Reason: more info
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Old 09-25-2018, 07:18 AM
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I also think that she is having maybe a midlife crisis of sorts. She is 40 and I am 34. I agree with the hyper sexuality. So does my therapist. I've tried to talk to her about getting to a therapist to be evaluated to see if she is manic but she hasn't been to one in almost a month. She just says "I'm not manic, you are just trying to control me and are mad that I want a divorce." to be honest her behavior is very selfish and childish. She tells the kids she is coming to see them and sometimes never shows up. The children appear to be a very low priority to her. My ultimate question is, is she ever going to realize what she is doing to her family? Is she going to come back when she is better and try to make this right? I can wait. She is worth it to me, but if its a lost cause then I need to do what is best for me and move on.
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Old 09-25-2018, 07:26 AM
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My ultimate question is, is she ever going to realize what she is doing to her family? Is she going to come back when she is better and try to make this right? I can wait. She is worth it to me, but if its a lost cause then I need to do what is best for me and move on.
Really no way to know. I wouldn't count on it.

I know there is a whole big ball of shame involved here - and yes, it may be easier to just walk away and not deal with it. If that's what she does, then the consequences are hers and hers alone. When I try to diagnose/mind-read/predict the future it never goes well for me. I'm not good at it!

The answers will come to you in time. Nothing about this is going to be easy. Sounds like you have some good support - that will help a lot in those dark moments - make sure to call them when you need them.

I did a lot of working things out in writing, too. Keep posting.
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Old 09-25-2018, 07:34 AM
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She also told me that the counselors at the rehab facility told her that I was a narcissist and a manipulator and that she needed to get me out of her life. They have never met me. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that my wife was mirroring and that I was in fact not a narcissist. Why is she trying to make me out to be the problem when her alcoholism was the real culprit?
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Old 09-25-2018, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by BRM05 View Post
She also told me that the counselors at the rehab facility told her that I was a narcissist and a manipulator and that she needed to get me out of her life. They have never met me. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that my wife was mirroring and that I was in fact not a narcissist. Why is she trying to make me out to be the problem when her alcoholism was the real culprit?
Addicts don't want to face the reality of their addiction or the damage caused/being caused by them,so 'project' that on to another person (you) and she's the good guy(in her warped mind).
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Old 09-25-2018, 08:34 AM
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You cannot make her want to do the right thing.

No one can tell you what to do, but myself, I would file based on adultery, and I would do everything I can do to protect my children. Make sure they know it's nothing to do with them and not their fault in any way.

Best wishes. I say this all kindly b/c I know it's hard, and it's painful!
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Old 09-25-2018, 09:29 AM
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I don't want a nasty divorce. If it comes to that I'd like to be as kind and civil as possible. Trust me, deep down I'd like for her to hurt but the part of me that wants that is not who I am. Its just revenge and that will bring nothing but pain to everyone involved including my children. If what I know is true, shes already ashamed and guilty enough as it is. Even with a civil divorce or a divorce settlement she is going to have to pay child support and will only see the kids every other weekend while i supervise the visit. Her life is already going to be difficult from here on out and I'm trying not to make it any worse.
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Old 09-25-2018, 09:41 AM
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Oh I get that. I fully encourage a civil divorce. I also know that's not always possible. When you push an addict to the wall and they are forced to face their own consequences, it turns nasty really quickly unfortunately. Not always, but many, many times.
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Old 09-25-2018, 10:06 AM
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I'm just afraid that the good woman I used to know is gone forever.
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Old 09-25-2018, 10:09 AM
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BRM..….remember, that, unless you were actually in the room...you won't really know what she has told the therapist or what the therapist has said to her.....
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Old 09-25-2018, 10:12 AM
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I can subpoena during the divorce to find out if she lied about me but what good would that do?
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Old 09-25-2018, 10:13 AM
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BRM...I don't think that is a good idea.....
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Old 09-25-2018, 10:16 AM
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I can pretty much guarantee she lied about you or that she is so delusional she really believes it. That happens in all marriages that break down. Delusion, lies, distortion, sides are taken.

No one is good at admitting their own faults at first. Or ever, for some people.
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