I'm worried about my Wife.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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So what should I do? Should I give up on her and just walk away. Her father walked out on her at 3 years old. She was later molested at 13 during visitation with her father by his best friend. Her father was passed out drunk in the next room when it happened. She never told anyone except me. Her first husband left her after he cheated on her and left her in financial ruin. If I leave I'll just be the 3rd man in her life to walk away. She's worth the effort even if it hurts me. I can weather the storm. I made a promise.
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BRM.....I am certainly NOT saying to "give up on her and just walk away"...…
In light of what you have shared...she needs very special treatment..by those who have special training in treating abuse/sexual abuse. This is not an unusual thing...but, it leaves life long scars unless properly treated for most people...I would like to say ALL people.....
Sexual abuse is, very often, kept secret or "swept under the rug"..for lots of reasons....one consequence is trouble in relationships later in their lives....
In light of what you have shared...she needs very special treatment..by those who have special training in treating abuse/sexual abuse. This is not an unusual thing...but, it leaves life long scars unless properly treated for most people...I would like to say ALL people.....
Sexual abuse is, very often, kept secret or "swept under the rug"..for lots of reasons....one consequence is trouble in relationships later in their lives....
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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I agree but if she is out of her head right now she could easily see it the other way. I know I'm too invested in what she is thinking and that's a useless exercise in futility. I'm just looking for as many answers I can find before I make a decision. I don't want to do the wrong thing. Has anyone here ever done what she is doing to us? Has anyone had it done to them? How did it turn out? I know that everyone's situation is different but I want as much knowledge as I can get from people with the similar experiences.
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Originally Posted by BRM05 
So what should I do? Should I give up on her and just walk away. Her father walked out on her at 3 years old. She was later molested at 13 during visitation with her father by his best friend. Her father was passed out drunk in the next room when it happened. She never told anyone except me. Her first husband left her after he cheated on her and left her in financial ruin. If I leave I'll just be the 3rd man in her life to walk away. She's worth the effort even if it hurts me. I can weather the storm. I made a promise.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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How does none of that matter? Those experiences helped forge who she is as a person. Her fears and insecurities, her guilt and shame. Those things make up the person I fell in love with. I accepted those things about her and I accept what she is going through now. It's a transformation for better or worse. I know I have a right to quit but is that truly the right thing to do. My heart and gut say be patient and loving. My brain and ego say "Stick it to her! You're better off without her."
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BRM.....I think it is important to realize that it will be months, at least, before her brain stabilizes....and, that is if she remains sober and faithful to her medications.... At this point, it would be impossible for anyone to make an accurate prognosis for her or the marriage.....and that includes her doctors....
I have never been in your shoes....but, I have worked with bi-polar patients and alcoholics, as well. In addition, I have known, personally, those who have been married to alcoholics and individuals with bi-polar diagnosis. I have seen both get into recovery and stabilize their disease.....I have seen both be in stable marriages....so, I know it is possible. I, also, have seen situations where none of this is true....
It all comes down to the individual, as I see it...and, I am including getting treatment for the sexual abuse and other abuses, in her life....
You have control over how you conduct yourself, and take care of yourself and the kids...but, there are several things that you don't have control over...but, she does....
I know that you are fearful, and understandably so...and, you want answers and hope, now...but, life unfolds in it's own timeline....and it does not alter that for anyone....
The best you can do is to meet the future as it unfolds in the way that it unfolds....
My brother-in-law has a wife who is bi-polar...and, he was always very respectful and kind to his wife...they had two children and she is a very intelligent, accomplished woman....She had two episodes of manic psychosis before the children were born, before she received the proper diagnosis/treatment....over the years she was hospitalized many times for manic psychotic episodes....but functioned beautifully, each time she was stabilized....Fortunately, he is a very successful lawyer and had good financial resources...He kept the children in therapy for their entire growing up years...and was very supportive to his wife. He made sure that he never badmouthed her to the children and supported their relationship with their mother in the best ways he could....Even so, there was a strain on the marriage and there was an amicable, legal separation. As her episodes of mania became more frequent...he sought full custody of the children...for their protection and stability...but, he always supported her relationship with them as much as was possible. Full custody was a part of the eventual divorce. The children are adults now, and very successful in their own lives and seem to be happy, well adjusted adults who have a good relationship with their mother----as the y understand and accept her illness. It is not all Ozzie and Harriett...but it is healthy. My brother-in law, eventually married another woman who had no children and things have worked out very well for them....and the "blended family"....
This whole process took many, many years...and there were plenty of ups and downs along the way....it was very hard on him, many times....
He did always rely heavily on professionals who knew what they were doing...other lawyers, psychiatrists, child therapists.....strong men's support group in his church.....and the children always had their own therapist that they saw all of their lives...
It was not easy...far from it...but, I count that as a success story that I got to watch very closely....
I will point, out, however...his wife did not drink...nor was there any history of abuse, that I know of....she has two other siblings and a father who were also bi-polar....so the family was well aware of mental illness and how to treat it...
His wife lives in her own townhouse, and has her own friends and activities....and, has learned that she must remain faithful to her medications and therapy....
I just cannot emphasize how much every situation is scenario dependent.....
I have never been in your shoes....but, I have worked with bi-polar patients and alcoholics, as well. In addition, I have known, personally, those who have been married to alcoholics and individuals with bi-polar diagnosis. I have seen both get into recovery and stabilize their disease.....I have seen both be in stable marriages....so, I know it is possible. I, also, have seen situations where none of this is true....
It all comes down to the individual, as I see it...and, I am including getting treatment for the sexual abuse and other abuses, in her life....
You have control over how you conduct yourself, and take care of yourself and the kids...but, there are several things that you don't have control over...but, she does....
I know that you are fearful, and understandably so...and, you want answers and hope, now...but, life unfolds in it's own timeline....and it does not alter that for anyone....
The best you can do is to meet the future as it unfolds in the way that it unfolds....
My brother-in-law has a wife who is bi-polar...and, he was always very respectful and kind to his wife...they had two children and she is a very intelligent, accomplished woman....She had two episodes of manic psychosis before the children were born, before she received the proper diagnosis/treatment....over the years she was hospitalized many times for manic psychotic episodes....but functioned beautifully, each time she was stabilized....Fortunately, he is a very successful lawyer and had good financial resources...He kept the children in therapy for their entire growing up years...and was very supportive to his wife. He made sure that he never badmouthed her to the children and supported their relationship with their mother in the best ways he could....Even so, there was a strain on the marriage and there was an amicable, legal separation. As her episodes of mania became more frequent...he sought full custody of the children...for their protection and stability...but, he always supported her relationship with them as much as was possible. Full custody was a part of the eventual divorce. The children are adults now, and very successful in their own lives and seem to be happy, well adjusted adults who have a good relationship with their mother----as the y understand and accept her illness. It is not all Ozzie and Harriett...but it is healthy. My brother-in law, eventually married another woman who had no children and things have worked out very well for them....and the "blended family"....
This whole process took many, many years...and there were plenty of ups and downs along the way....it was very hard on him, many times....
He did always rely heavily on professionals who knew what they were doing...other lawyers, psychiatrists, child therapists.....strong men's support group in his church.....and the children always had their own therapist that they saw all of their lives...
It was not easy...far from it...but, I count that as a success story that I got to watch very closely....
I will point, out, however...his wife did not drink...nor was there any history of abuse, that I know of....she has two other siblings and a father who were also bi-polar....so the family was well aware of mental illness and how to treat it...
His wife lives in her own townhouse, and has her own friends and activities....and, has learned that she must remain faithful to her medications and therapy....
I just cannot emphasize how much every situation is scenario dependent.....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I would immediately accept her gracious offer to get divorced and never look back.
The person you married doesn't love you and she really doesn't exist any more, based on what you have described.
It sounds like you did, indeed, "make a promise" and that you have kept it.
My ex and I got divorced in 1 day.
We were equally at fault in marrying when we were young and drunk.
We got divorced without a harsh word spoken - no litigation whatsoever.
We weren't just fair with each other financially - we were generous.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk for 10-15 minutes.
I wish her much happiness.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Who would want the continued chaos in his or her life?
Keep us posted.
The person you married doesn't love you and she really doesn't exist any more, based on what you have described.
It sounds like you did, indeed, "make a promise" and that you have kept it.
My ex and I got divorced in 1 day.
We were equally at fault in marrying when we were young and drunk.
We got divorced without a harsh word spoken - no litigation whatsoever.
We weren't just fair with each other financially - we were generous.
If I saw her today, we would stop and talk for 10-15 minutes.
I wish her much happiness.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Who would want the continued chaos in his or her life?
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Why is she trying to make me out to be the problem when her alcoholism was the real culprit?
Right now there are a lot of raw/hurt emotions on the table with both of you. She is in extremely early recovery from alcoholism and a probable diagnosis of bi-polar. She is unstable with her moods/thoughts and future plans for herself. She is in the extremes of uncertainty with a dire need to control things/people around her. Then there you are, taking in her extreme behavior like it’s gospel. I know it hurts and you are filled with fear of the unknown but at this point in time I would suggest you not buy the whole farm so to speak. Use caution with your own words, don’t commit to anything she suggests but have a standard answer like “let me think about that and I’ll get back to you”.
Surround yourself with support, people you can talk to when you need time to assess things on those “getting back to you subjects?.
The more you can focus on you and you being the best dad you can be the better off you and your kids will be to handle whatever the future may bring.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 44
I'm leaning towards divorce because it is what she is asking for. I need to show her I respect her agency as an adult to make her own decisions even though I know she shouldn't be asking for this during such an important time in her life. It's amazing how an addict can almost convince you that you are the problem when you absolutely know that you are not. Granted I'm not perfect and I could have done things better in the marriage. I reacted out of anger and frustration many times when she was drunk. I tried to shame her into sobriety and of course that never works. I was pretty uneducated about alcoholism. I was one of those that chalked it up to a lack of willpower. I know I was a good husband and father. I encouraged her when she got down on herself and I held her accountable when she messed up. Anytime she felt insecure I told her she could do it and that I had her back. I really believe that her current affair has a ton to do with the current situation. She's in "The Fog."
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I can subpoena during the divorce to find out if she lied about me but what good would that do?
My sister, my qualifier, and her ex-husband sought out a civil divorce, but IMHO, it ended up being a less than ideal agreement for the children. There were no consequences for my sister if she dropped visits (in your case, dropped payments), so her ex ended up paying her years of child support while my parents were the ones who actually took the burden of feeding and clothing her kids. Her kids, while in her care, had no structure, and there was at least one time when one of her harebrained adventures went awry. Her kids ended up sleep-deprived and crying. It was not pretty.
I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but since you already know that filing for a fault divorce is a sore point for her, you may be able to use it as a bargaining point to seek custody arrangements that protect the children. For example, SoberLink is a tool that people here use to make sure that their exes aren't drinking in the presence of their kids. Others with way more experience can chime in on this.
You have to be your children's advocate at this time.
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BRM..….here is a website that I often refer women to....when they are thinking about divorce..or not... Although it is for women...it is educational in nature and covers most all areas of concern in divorce.....It is arranged by state...and, is not intended to substitute for an attorney, of course.
It is helpful for helping to organize one's thoughts and ti know what questions to ask when in front of an attorney.....
www.womansdivorce.com
It is helpful for helping to organize one's thoughts and ti know what questions to ask when in front of an attorney.....
www.womansdivorce.com
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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BRM..….It seems that you have it covered....already go to alanon, already have an therapist, already educated yourself, already have an attorney...…already leaning toward divorce...
I have already typed a Lot, today. LOl. Can you be more specific as to what you are asking for...? It would make it a lot easier to help you....
I have already typed a Lot, today. LOl. Can you be more specific as to what you are asking for...? It would make it a lot easier to help you....
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I say this with all gentleness: Just because you love someone and made a vow to them doesn't mean that they feel the same. Just because they suffered horrible childhood doesn't make you responsible for their future happiness. Marriage is a partnership. So ask yourself, how has she been showing up? Cheating on you, getting so drunk and passing out that she urinates on your child. Telling you she loves you one minute and saying she never did the next. Is this what you really want in a life partner? I get that much of it may or may not be the alcohol..if it is, do you really want to spend the rest of your life hoping and praying that she gets sober, stays sober and suddenly gets hit by the serenity stick? What if she relapses? What if she cheats on you again? That's not just alcoholics who do that. My point is, are you really holding on to something that's good for you and your child? You are not responsible for your wife's recovery or her happiness. That's on her. If she's not willing to stay married, why are you fighting it? Divorce is hell. I know all about it. My prayers are with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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My heart and gut say be patient and loving. My brain and ego say "Stick it to her! You're better off without her."
Hey BRM05,
I just wanted to point out that there is a wide world between these 2 extremes. I was a very black and white thinker before I got into AlAnon. "First things first" is a slogan that helps me to this day. So obviously protect the minor children by creating a safe consistent and loving home. That doesn't usually include an alcoholic. Protect your physical and mental health, you'll need all your guts and brains to take care of those children!Protect yourself and the children mentally, legally, and financially. If that means divorce then so be it.
And then you let the future play out as it will. Will she remain sober and truly recover? Is it wrong to leave her since she was abandoned and abused as a child? Will she ever apologize or make amends for what she has done to your family?
These questions can't be answered by you, only by her and in time. Perhaps the finality of divorce and what she's doing to her kids will be the spur to her actually accepting help and recovering, you just cannot know. But you can do the things that are right for the kids. I grew up in an alcoholic home. The sooner you can establish sanity and have honest conversations with your kids the better for their future!
I had to learn that A's are grown ups with problems that need help and attention beyond my scope. Yes I can love them. But I cannot fix them and I need to protect myself and my own peace of mind and sanity.
Sorry for what you're going through, collectively we've seen it all here on SR so you're not alone.
Peace,
B.
Hey BRM05,
I just wanted to point out that there is a wide world between these 2 extremes. I was a very black and white thinker before I got into AlAnon. "First things first" is a slogan that helps me to this day. So obviously protect the minor children by creating a safe consistent and loving home. That doesn't usually include an alcoholic. Protect your physical and mental health, you'll need all your guts and brains to take care of those children!Protect yourself and the children mentally, legally, and financially. If that means divorce then so be it.
And then you let the future play out as it will. Will she remain sober and truly recover? Is it wrong to leave her since she was abandoned and abused as a child? Will she ever apologize or make amends for what she has done to your family?
These questions can't be answered by you, only by her and in time. Perhaps the finality of divorce and what she's doing to her kids will be the spur to her actually accepting help and recovering, you just cannot know. But you can do the things that are right for the kids. I grew up in an alcoholic home. The sooner you can establish sanity and have honest conversations with your kids the better for their future!
I had to learn that A's are grown ups with problems that need help and attention beyond my scope. Yes I can love them. But I cannot fix them and I need to protect myself and my own peace of mind and sanity.
Sorry for what you're going through, collectively we've seen it all here on SR so you're not alone.
Peace,
B.
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