CedarTexas

Glenjo, just throwing my two cents in. Yes, it does suck to loose someone you love, and it's hard to think that someone chose a substance over staying clean and loving you. It hurts, but my therapist said that losing someone is supposed to hurt, you're supposed to feel the emotions that you feel even if they are intense. Not sure if you're doing face to face Al-Anon. It's totally worth it and you will meet people who are either going through what you are or they have gone through what you've been through. I go to two groups. One is small and ran by a little old lady named Darlene. She's been in Al-anon for 35 years and very sagely. The second is larger and works the steps of Al-anon. Step 1 is to accept that you are totally powerless over addiction. That you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I think Step one is one of the harder steps to accept especially if you really love the person, but necessary. Many blessings your way and I wish you luck in your journey!!!

PuzzledHeart

I'm here on this board because my sister is my qualifier, but I end up talking about my ex-fiance a lot because it was one of the most painful periods of my life, and as a result I learned a lot from it. When I talk about him, there's enough distance (like almost twenty years distance) for me to rehash it without reliving it.

I actually ended up meeting him by chance ten years later and he profusely apologized for what he did. By then, I was married (and still married) to my husband and had a son. Honestly, I'm grateful that my ex had the courage to break us up, because it opened the door to a much MUCH happier life for me.

However, if you had told me that at the time of our breakup, I would have looked at you as if you were insane.

trailmix

I'm going to come back to this again. He questioned his sexuality. He said he was not gay and was only interested in that type of encounter when high.

Now, you have a different take on this, you think he is and is masking it.

He is a former football player, he has a "nice family" (that doesn't know about him having an encounter with another man - he said you were his "friend" coming to visit). He is also an alcoholic and likes cocaine too.

Now, he may well be gay or bi or whatever, who knows, but he obviously struggles with that, yet you expect him to contact you - sober. Does that seem reasonable to you?

I wouldn't even worry about some rehab romance, he has plenty of reasons to not contact you. He is a confused addict he couldn't deal with any of this drunk/high, why do you think he can deal with it sober, if he is in fact sober.

Glenjo99

Appreciate the comments but it was more than that. He would put me on the phone to his mother aswell to chat, and the plan was to stay on few days extra to spend time with his parents so it was more than someone to get his freak on with.

Glenjo99

I hear what your saying, yes I did expect him to contact me. He contacted me a few times during his first week out of rehab, was very different in himself obviously but told me bit about his recovery plans etc. His mother knows now that he has had encounters with another man. As for dealing with his sexuality sober, I doubt it. Be all he can do to work recovery. That said I'm only human, and have moments I "wish" he would.

Glenjo99

Thanks appreciate your words. It is so painful. Yes have been 3 times to alanon but missed the last 2 weeks due to being I'll and then car trouble. Going to go again next week, I do find it helpful.

trailmix

Absolutely, completely understand that.

Glenjo99

To be quite honest, the way I feel today is, and I know melody beattie in her book advises against this, but I feel like writing him a letter telling him exactly how I've been impacted by the whole thing. The person I thought I knew wouldn't have treated me like that, without even the smallest apology. I feel like writing him the best most articulate angry letter I can, with the intention of moving myself on. I know what Al Anon teaches to put the focus on us, but if which seems likely, he has moved on and forgotten about me, why shouldn't he be made aware of how **** I've been after his treatment. I feel like writing that letter, deleting his number and blocking that whole experience out of my life for good. That's how I feel today.

FireSprite

Write the letter, just don't send it. Getting it all out can be very cathartic, but sending it opens a whole new can of worms. A lot of people burn these letters or you can read it out loud to yourself as though he were listening & let all your emotions rage.

Just DON'T send it, seriously. It won't change anything the way you'd expect it to. You can't control how others receive the info you're sharing.

Glenjo99

Yes I wrote the letter, 3 pages worth. I wrote it with intention of moving myself on, not to get a response back. I wrote it in a calm manner, explaining why I didn't deserve the treatment. I'm undecided as to whether to send it or not yet. Being honest at the moment, my gut is telling me to send it. I'll sleep on it and decide tomorrow for definite, but I have to do what's right for me if I do send it. I have written previous ones to him with a view to getting it out of me and not sent those. While helpful on the day, I feel I'm at a point where I feel I will never move on if I don't get this stuff off my chest To HIM.

marie1960

I am afraid your heartfelt words to him will fall in deaf ears. (JMHO)

Our feelings are not facts,and just because we feel a certain way, doesn’t make it real. I can wake up and feel like a million bucks or I can wake up and feel like dog poo, I don’t have a million bucks, and I am not dog poo, it’s just a temporary feeling.

If you are looking for him to acknowledge, accept responsibility, apologize, or be able to offer an explanation, he may not be at a place in his recovery to do that. ( if in fact, he is in recovery)

For whatever reason, He is not currently reaching out to you.

Allow him the dignity to figure out his own life issues

I am afraid this will backfire, and you will be , the needy , crazy person interfering with his recovery. ( if in fact he is in recovery)

Sending you support, you will not always feel this way, this too is a moment in time.

Glenjo99

Thank you and I appreciate your kind words. I'm just angry that I keep feeling stuck this many weeks in. I'm torn between the value of detachment which I get is for me, and he not being told the impact his behaviour has had on me. In a normal relationship it's encouraged to talk and get this stuff out there. I know it's not a normal relationship with an addict, but I'm struggling with it. Every fiber of me today says he must be told. I'll hold off untill tomorrow to decide on posting.

SparkleKitty

Please don't send the letter.

Please respect his wishes.

Sending it against his direct and specific request for no contact is selfish, and not an act of a friend.

Glenjo99

Was how he treated me the act of a friend?

FireSprite

^^^This, right here Glen....... this is the voice of your Resentments & Anger. This thought process ISN'T about you being understood at all - it's about him feeling badly about treating you badly so you can feel better.

(remember, we're in the rescue helicopter, you're IN the labyrinth?)

And hey - maybe you NEED that for you to see your hurts differently so you can get to your next stage of healing, we don't know.

No one can tell you to not send the letter - you're an adult. But the varied voices of experience say that odds are sending it will create more discomfort for you.

I've spent SO MUCH TIME thinking that if I could just say *this* the right way to express *that*, then clarity would strike on all sides & harmony & peace would be the natural result. It has NEVER happened unless my audience was striving for that clarity too.

Glenjo99

Spot on! I'm consumed with anger and resentments today. I understand on paper and from your experiences it doesn't do any good. Which is why I am going to sleep on it. Going to go for long walk soon, need to get in nature for a bit. Maybe this is all too hard for me to do. I thought I had a handle on it, but I think I'm slipping.

dandylion

Glenjo…...I am going to tell you what I think, as I am following this thread...and, I am aware that I am going against the general tide of opinions....
to me, I don't think that in the BIG picture, that it makes much difference in the outcome, one way or another....
While, I do recognize the principle of intermittent reinforcement can have the effect of intensifying the seeking behavior, in the immediate.....when one looks back at all of this in a couple of years....I doubt that it will have any effect on the relationship---or lack of---at all.
I see you getting stuck in the weeds of "send it--or not send it".....which, in a way is keeping you focused on this...rather than on better thing that you might be working on....
Lol...one of the things that I see people on this forum saying...over and over...is "trust your gut".....weelllll….if one goes by that instruction, then, you say that every fiber in your body is saying to send it....
(by the way, in my many thousands of posts, I have never said "trust your gut" to anyone...lol)…..
You are an adult with free will and responsibility for your own welfare....and, we do not have any "No Contact" Police on SR.....
I say that you are free to do what you want and accept any consequences that come your way.....(that is what people end up doing, anyway)….
I say....Do what you want....
I do think that your idea of sleeping on it, tonight, is a good one....and I do hope that you haven't written anything that you would not regret you grandmother seeing in the m orning papers...lol....

In the big picture, the way that I see it....you are still going to have to soldier through the painful grieving period (whether you send it or not)....which is going to last as l o ng as it needs to....there is no way around that....
Remember that general time frame that I suggested to you in another post?

I really do get it that you are rushing toward "recovery"...that way a comet speeds towards earth...in an effort to escape the natural and expected pain...

Glenjo99

I think my grandmother would be proud, I wrote it while relaxed and detached manner, wrote about impact on me rather than "you did this". I know what your saying about focusing on this rather than something healthier, it's just I've been doing that for 8 weeks now and I seem to feel the same. Granted better at looking after myself and awarenesses of codependency, I just feel there's a little block that I can stop the thoughts everyday, and I'm trying everything as my posts indicate! I want to move on. Probably am rushing it as you mentioned. Yes I will sleep on it, may not send it all, could be another one for the venting file, and thankfully I am able to offload in here. Forums can be cathartic.

FireSprite

I know it hurts Glen & I give you huge credit for being able to be so candid about the ups & downs you go through. It's not easy to face our vulnerabilities.

There is nothing easy about this AT ALL.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Glenjo99

Thanks. No nothing easy at all about it. Yes tomorrow may reveal a new energy and feeling about it.