To delete his number....or one last try
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
Which was the intention behind the letter as I wrote. My intention for writing it was to move myself on. I feel like I'm repeating myself now but I suppose it's hard to get across to everyone. I GET how hard his recovery is and all that goes with it. Today was/is about me and saying 2 simple words would have helped me which anyone could say even if your starting out in recovery. I liked your magnet analogy.
You don’t need his “I’m sorry” in order for you to move on. You don’t need him hearing about your hurt in order for you to move on. Yes of course it would be nice. It would make you feel like you mattered to him. That your presents in his life held some kind of importance, but that is not often going to happen with an addict.
At the end of the day, you and only you have the power for closure on this relationship. You don’t need him or his permission or his words in order for that to happen.
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Glenjo, I mentioned in an earlier post that my sister was my qualifier.
There was a time that my mom ended up in the ER. Although I kept my contact with my sister at a minimum, I thought that this was something that required notification. I don't know why I ever thought that - it's not like my sister skipped out on my mom's medical appointments (she has cancer) for two years running.
I called her up. I was crying. I'm not so sure how much she picked up on it. Well, one thing's for sure - she sure as hell wasn't trying to figure out how I was.
"Mom's in the ER," I said. "She's having a psych eval. She stopped her meds."
"I'm sorry," she replied, "I can't help but laugh."
My sister honestly didn't give a crap about how I was doing, how my dad was doing, how my mom was doing, and these were the people who took her daughters in when she couldn't find a place big enough for all of them. My mom still cries and begs me to take care of my sister, and I never tell her why I've given up. I never told her that my sister, who claims poverty, shelled out several thousand dollars for plastic surgery. You could give her all the love in the world and it would never be enough.
And I will never forget the chill in her voice when she said those words that day. When my sister said those words, I knew it was absolutely pointless to confront her. All she would do would twist my words, claim it was some misunderstanding, and gaslight me from here to kingdom come. She's still convinced that people judge her unfairly. She's so wrapped up in her own pain and trauma she can barely acknowledge the pain of others. She feels that her own pain gives her the right to inflict pain on others.
I suspect that HE, your ex, is in the same position. You could write a million letters to him, and he is so wrapped up in his own pain that he will never be able to acknowledge what he did to you. And if he reacts with indifference, vitriol, or God knows what else, that will be yet another trauma that you will have to recover from. It's been years and I'm infuriated when I think about that day.
I know you want so badly for him to acknowledge the pain you've been through. I will ask you this question, why isn't your own acknowledgement enough?
Maybe your ex is truly sorry for what he's done, but seeking amends is his responsibility, not yours.
There was a time that my mom ended up in the ER. Although I kept my contact with my sister at a minimum, I thought that this was something that required notification. I don't know why I ever thought that - it's not like my sister skipped out on my mom's medical appointments (she has cancer) for two years running.
I called her up. I was crying. I'm not so sure how much she picked up on it. Well, one thing's for sure - she sure as hell wasn't trying to figure out how I was.
"Mom's in the ER," I said. "She's having a psych eval. She stopped her meds."
"I'm sorry," she replied, "I can't help but laugh."
My sister honestly didn't give a crap about how I was doing, how my dad was doing, how my mom was doing, and these were the people who took her daughters in when she couldn't find a place big enough for all of them. My mom still cries and begs me to take care of my sister, and I never tell her why I've given up. I never told her that my sister, who claims poverty, shelled out several thousand dollars for plastic surgery. You could give her all the love in the world and it would never be enough.
And I will never forget the chill in her voice when she said those words that day. When my sister said those words, I knew it was absolutely pointless to confront her. All she would do would twist my words, claim it was some misunderstanding, and gaslight me from here to kingdom come. She's still convinced that people judge her unfairly. She's so wrapped up in her own pain and trauma she can barely acknowledge the pain of others. She feels that her own pain gives her the right to inflict pain on others.
I suspect that HE, your ex, is in the same position. You could write a million letters to him, and he is so wrapped up in his own pain that he will never be able to acknowledge what he did to you. And if he reacts with indifference, vitriol, or God knows what else, that will be yet another trauma that you will have to recover from. It's been years and I'm infuriated when I think about that day.
I know you want so badly for him to acknowledge the pain you've been through. I will ask you this question, why isn't your own acknowledgement enough?
Maybe your ex is truly sorry for what he's done, but seeking amends is his responsibility, not yours.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Glenjo, I mentioned in an earlier post that my sister was my qualifier.
There was a time that my mom ended up in the ER. Although I kept my contact with my sister at a minimum, I thought that this was something that required notification. I don't know why I ever thought that - it's not like my sister skipped out on my mom's medical appointments (she has cancer) for two years running.
I called her up. I was crying. I'm not so sure how much she picked up on it. Well, one thing's for sure - she sure as hell wasn't trying to figure out how I was.
"Mom's in the ER," I said. "She's having a psych eval. She stopped her meds."
"I'm sorry," she replied, "I can't help but laugh."
My sister honestly didn't give a crap about how I was doing, how my dad was doing, how my mom was doing, and these were the people who took her daughters in when she couldn't find a place big enough for all of them. My mom still cries and begs me to take care of my sister, and I never tell her why I've given up. I never told her that my sister, who claims poverty, shelled out several thousand dollars for plastic surgery. You could give her all the love in the world and it would never be enough.
And I will never forget the chill in her voice when she said those words that day. When my sister said those words, I knew it was absolutely pointless to confront her. All she would do would twist my words, claim it was some misunderstanding, and gaslight me from here to kingdom come. She's still convinced that people judge her unfairly. She's so wrapped up in her own pain and trauma she can barely acknowledge the pain of others. She feels that her own pain gives her the right to inflict pain on others.
I suspect that HE, your ex, is in the same position. You could write a million letters to him, and he is so wrapped up in his own pain that he will never be able to acknowledge what he did to you. And if he reacts with indifference, vitriol, or God knows what else, that will be yet another trauma that you will have to recover from. It's been years and I'm infuriated when I think about that day.
I know you want so badly for him to acknowledge the pain you've been through. I will ask you this question, why isn't your own acknowledgement enough?
Maybe your ex is truly sorry for what he's done, but seeking amends is his responsibility, not yours.
There was a time that my mom ended up in the ER. Although I kept my contact with my sister at a minimum, I thought that this was something that required notification. I don't know why I ever thought that - it's not like my sister skipped out on my mom's medical appointments (she has cancer) for two years running.
I called her up. I was crying. I'm not so sure how much she picked up on it. Well, one thing's for sure - she sure as hell wasn't trying to figure out how I was.
"Mom's in the ER," I said. "She's having a psych eval. She stopped her meds."
"I'm sorry," she replied, "I can't help but laugh."
My sister honestly didn't give a crap about how I was doing, how my dad was doing, how my mom was doing, and these were the people who took her daughters in when she couldn't find a place big enough for all of them. My mom still cries and begs me to take care of my sister, and I never tell her why I've given up. I never told her that my sister, who claims poverty, shelled out several thousand dollars for plastic surgery. You could give her all the love in the world and it would never be enough.
And I will never forget the chill in her voice when she said those words that day. When my sister said those words, I knew it was absolutely pointless to confront her. All she would do would twist my words, claim it was some misunderstanding, and gaslight me from here to kingdom come. She's still convinced that people judge her unfairly. She's so wrapped up in her own pain and trauma she can barely acknowledge the pain of others. She feels that her own pain gives her the right to inflict pain on others.
I suspect that HE, your ex, is in the same position. You could write a million letters to him, and he is so wrapped up in his own pain that he will never be able to acknowledge what he did to you. And if he reacts with indifference, vitriol, or God knows what else, that will be yet another trauma that you will have to recover from. It's been years and I'm infuriated when I think about that day.
I know you want so badly for him to acknowledge the pain you've been through. I will ask you this question, why isn't your own acknowledgement enough?
Maybe your ex is truly sorry for what he's done, but seeking amends is his responsibility, not yours.
I hear what your saying about another trauma depending on his reaction or lack of. I know he is wrapped up in his own pain. I suppose this is all part of a process that I'm learning about. That said, as fantastic as some of the advice is that one gets in a forum, a person needs to feel those feelings. I agree also with the making amends part, that is on him.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I feel like I'm repeating myself now but I suppose it's hard to get across to everyone. I GET how hard his recovery is and all that goes with it.
All that I have replied here is for you, not for him, not for you to look at this from his point of view at all. I kind of don't care if your letter has a negative impact on him. Just want to make sure that's clear (atalose refers to this above, it's about you).
" it's very common to want to make the other person hurt or at least acknowledge what they have done, so at least I know I'm human and my feelings are not to be shamed or something to feel guilty about. She goes on to say to detach with love or anger whichever works.
I hear what your saying about another trauma depending on his reaction or lack of.
That said, I respect whichever decision you make.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
That said, as fantastic as some of the advice is that one gets in a forum, a person needs to feel those feelings.
By all means, feel all the feelings! They aren't wrong, and as I always say, better out than in.
I think where we codependents--or anyone dealing with an addiction--get into trouble is when we push ourselves to ACT on our feelings, under the illusion that Doing Something will somehow alleviate those feelings or make them go away faster. It's a tempting idea that sharing our hurt will make it hurt less, but in my experience, that's just not how it plays out.
Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you, without judgment.
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Appreciate that. Yes we are all codependents. Reading back over some material today in particular things to do in recovery. Including, "you don't care as much what others think, your not obsessing on what's not in your control, you can let go of what other people are doing". I put the letter with the others filed away in a drawer, just going to have to work through this anger untill it passes. Been crying a lot this morning so might be getting released. I'm so mad but I think behind the anger is a lot of sadness that he isn't in my life anymore. Back to my side of the street. 🙄. Also starting to wonder if I'm a bit depressed or maybe everyone feels like that in recovery.
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It's very normal to be angry Glenjo, Anger is a stage in the grieving process.
You are grieving the death of your relationship and the loss of a friend. It hurts, it sucks, but the swells of negative emotions are normal. It will pass. It takes too long, but it will pass. Accepting the feelings, letting them do their job and then letting them pass is all we can really do to get beyond it.
I've been where you are are, I know how hard and painful it is.
Hugs.
You are grieving the death of your relationship and the loss of a friend. It hurts, it sucks, but the swells of negative emotions are normal. It will pass. It takes too long, but it will pass. Accepting the feelings, letting them do their job and then letting them pass is all we can really do to get beyond it.
I've been where you are are, I know how hard and painful it is.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
It's very normal to be angry Glenjo, Anger is a stage in the grieving process.
You are grieving the death of your relationship and the loss of a friend. It hurts, it sucks, but the swells of negative emotions are normal. It will pass. It takes too long, but it will pass. Accepting the feelings, letting them do their job and then letting them pass is all we can really do to get beyond it.
I've been where you are are, I know how hard and painful it is.
Hugs.
You are grieving the death of your relationship and the loss of a friend. It hurts, it sucks, but the swells of negative emotions are normal. It will pass. It takes too long, but it will pass. Accepting the feelings, letting them do their job and then letting them pass is all we can really do to get beyond it.
I've been where you are are, I know how hard and painful it is.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes it's hard and painful and sometimes it ventures in to scary painful, scary sad.
Sometimes it just too much to cope with on our own. You mentioned about possible depression. Absolutely you should have that checked out, a trip to the GP is in order if you are feeling depressed.
There is such a thing as situational depression and there is help for that. Don't let it go untreated, don't make yourself suffer more than you have to.
Sometimes it just too much to cope with on our own. You mentioned about possible depression. Absolutely you should have that checked out, a trip to the GP is in order if you are feeling depressed.
There is such a thing as situational depression and there is help for that. Don't let it go untreated, don't make yourself suffer more than you have to.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes it's hard and painful and sometimes it ventures in to scary painful, scary sad.
Sometimes it just too much to cope with on our own. You mentioned about possible depression. Absolutely you should have that checked out, a trip to the GP is in order if you are feeling depressed.
There is such a thing as situational depression and there is help for that. Don't let it go untreated, don't make yourself suffer more than you have to.
Sometimes it just too much to cope with on our own. You mentioned about possible depression. Absolutely you should have that checked out, a trip to the GP is in order if you are feeling depressed.
There is such a thing as situational depression and there is help for that. Don't let it go untreated, don't make yourself suffer more than you have to.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks yes I may go have it checked, but I wouldn't want to take meds, prefer to feel this and not delay it. I'm doing really well with exercise just the low mood of late. Crying at stupid things on tv at the moment. Think it's the sadness behind the anger coming out.
Just don't try to be "too brave". There is help if you need it.
No doubt it is sadness behind the anger, anger is not necessarily a bad thing.
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This morning, read today's page from "courage to change".
"My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation, they depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free".
Message received!
"My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation, they depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free".
Message received!
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"My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation, they depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free".
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Watched a TV programme tonight, called first dates hotel. There was a guy on it that reminded me in every way of my friend. Looked like him, had same accent, was recovering alcoholic and drug addict, was really happy in himself. He was on a date with a girl. It just brought it home to me, that my friend will be like that, probably going to end up getting married with kids and my time with him will all be forgotten, lost to time when he was in active addiction. Feel overwhelmed. I want him to be happy but with me in the picture.
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Glen.....did it ever occur to you that you could be the guy who gets married, has kids and a happy life and remembers the past as the PAST?
LOL...of course, you didn't.
(I had to say it before you did)...lol...
LOL...of course, you didn't.
(I had to say it before you did)...lol...
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Try watching 90 day fiancee instead to get a glimpse of really dysfunctional relationships lol
I really think you are overlooking the fact that you have changed. Do you really think you would view him the same way?
With your newfound knowledge and hopefully soon, additional self-esteem, when you listen to him and see him, you would view it differently I think. Try to imagine that. When you do, try to see him as he really was, not an idealized "sober" version of himself.
I really think you are overlooking the fact that you have changed. Do you really think you would view him the same way?
With your newfound knowledge and hopefully soon, additional self-esteem, when you listen to him and see him, you would view it differently I think. Try to imagine that. When you do, try to see him as he really was, not an idealized "sober" version of himself.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Glen.....did it ever occur to you that you could be the guy who gets married, has kids and a happy life and remembers the past as the PAST?
LOL...of course, you didn't.
(I had to say it before you did)...lol...
LOL...of course, you didn't.
(I had to say it before you did)...lol...
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