To delete his number....or one last try
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Originally Posted by atalose 
It’s also a probability that he’s already changed his #.
In recovery they are taught to change, people, places and things related to their past using history.
It’s very hard to see let along accept because love gets in the way but very often by remaining with a using addict/alcoholic you basically are showing them that their using/drinking is acceptable and that is called enabling. And in recovery, those are the people they are cautioned about. There are a lot of variables in that as well, marriage, kids, make that equation different then say a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend equation.
In recovery they are taught to change, people, places and things related to their past using history.
It’s very hard to see let along accept because love gets in the way but very often by remaining with a using addict/alcoholic you basically are showing them that their using/drinking is acceptable and that is called enabling. And in recovery, those are the people they are cautioned about. There are a lot of variables in that as well, marriage, kids, make that equation different then say a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend equation.
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I can't tell you if it's time to press the "delete" button on him - I think that's very personal & we do this stuff when we're ready in our own time.
I know that for me this stuff happens in stages - first I "X" the Contact - so that they drop to the very bottom of my contact list. "X-John". That's so that if they call before I'm ready to respond, I recognize the number & don't answer.
Blocking on my phone still allows someone to leave voice messages (not text) even though it never shows you the incoming call, so it's not completely effective for me. At least this way I don't answer & give myself time to process it instead.
FWIW - I've never X'd someone & then added them back as an active contact.
I know that for me this stuff happens in stages - first I "X" the Contact - so that they drop to the very bottom of my contact list. "X-John". That's so that if they call before I'm ready to respond, I recognize the number & don't answer.
Blocking on my phone still allows someone to leave voice messages (not text) even though it never shows you the incoming call, so it's not completely effective for me. At least this way I don't answer & give myself time to process it instead.
FWIW - I've never X'd someone & then added them back as an active contact.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I can't tell you if it's time to press the "delete" button on him - I think that's very personal & we do this stuff when we're ready in our own time.
I know that for me this stuff happens in stages - first I "X" the Contact - so that they drop to the very bottom of my contact list. "X-John". That's so that if they call before I'm ready to respond, I recognize the number & don't answer.
Blocking on my phone still allows someone to leave voice messages (not text) even though it never shows you the incoming call, so it's not completely effective for me. At least this way I don't answer & give myself time to process it instead.
FWIW - I've never X'd someone & then added them back as an active contact.
I know that for me this stuff happens in stages - first I "X" the Contact - so that they drop to the very bottom of my contact list. "X-John". That's so that if they call before I'm ready to respond, I recognize the number & don't answer.
Blocking on my phone still allows someone to leave voice messages (not text) even though it never shows you the incoming call, so it's not completely effective for me. At least this way I don't answer & give myself time to process it instead.
FWIW - I've never X'd someone & then added them back as an active contact.
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If you have his number, that probably means he has your number, too. If he hasn't called or attempted to make contact...you have your answer. I wouldn't rip the scab off the wound and have to start all over with the grieving. I say just leave it alone.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I relate to the stages. Deleted all our messages weeks ago, had hundreds, and any old pics. Was hard to do but it helped. Last think I have is his number. I might try the x thing first, but ultimately I think I see a day soon I'll delete the number, he has mine if he wants it. If I don't I just know I'll be weak some night and message him.
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Glenjo99--the alcoholics I know would call this "further research."
Many an addict has had an obsession with just one more try, one more drink, one more fix, to try and prove to themselves they are not alcoholics/addicts. It is a common pitfall in thinking during early recovery. We codies do the same....denying the evidence day after day of our own unhappiness, staying in relationshis that burn us and are not fulfilling, and going back to those relationships when we feel unneeded, lonely, or unloved.
Problem is we can lose a lot of time and have to struggle even harder to get back to square one where we were before we felt compelled to do further research. And then there we are again, having to go through the pain again.
I like dandy's idea of just hitting pause for a day. Maybe I would meditate on what's really behind my obsession or need to make that call? Am I lonely, heartbroken, feeling unloved? Sadly these things can never be fulfilled by another person. Does that mean we will never have relationships where we feel completely loved and needed and treasured? Of course not! Those relationships are out there waiting for us when we have done the hard and painful work of changing, growing, loving ourselves, respecting ourselves, relying on ourselves.
So call or delete, doesn't matter. The work that this painful relationship led you to will still be waiting to be done by you whenever you're ready!
Peace,
B.
Many an addict has had an obsession with just one more try, one more drink, one more fix, to try and prove to themselves they are not alcoholics/addicts. It is a common pitfall in thinking during early recovery. We codies do the same....denying the evidence day after day of our own unhappiness, staying in relationshis that burn us and are not fulfilling, and going back to those relationships when we feel unneeded, lonely, or unloved.
Problem is we can lose a lot of time and have to struggle even harder to get back to square one where we were before we felt compelled to do further research. And then there we are again, having to go through the pain again.
I like dandy's idea of just hitting pause for a day. Maybe I would meditate on what's really behind my obsession or need to make that call? Am I lonely, heartbroken, feeling unloved? Sadly these things can never be fulfilled by another person. Does that mean we will never have relationships where we feel completely loved and needed and treasured? Of course not! Those relationships are out there waiting for us when we have done the hard and painful work of changing, growing, loving ourselves, respecting ourselves, relying on ourselves.
So call or delete, doesn't matter. The work that this painful relationship led you to will still be waiting to be done by you whenever you're ready!
Peace,
B.
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is it possible you are romanticizing and glamorizing your memories of what really transpired between you two? and that as time goes by you miss this idealized vision not the actual person or event??
and is it also possible that your ego is taking a hit because he has NOT reached out to you, isn't demonstrating the type of longing and desire you wish him to?
tell you what....you wanna call him? call him. text him. whatever. however BE PREPARED for how that might turn out. i'd say the probability is high you won't get what you want.
and is it also possible that your ego is taking a hit because he has NOT reached out to you, isn't demonstrating the type of longing and desire you wish him to?
tell you what....you wanna call him? call him. text him. whatever. however BE PREPARED for how that might turn out. i'd say the probability is high you won't get what you want.
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
Glenjo99--the alcoholics I know would call this "further research."
Many an addict has had an obsession with just one more try, one more drink, one more fix, to try and prove to themselves they are not alcoholics/addicts. It is a common pitfall in thinking during early recovery. We codies do the same....denying the evidence day after day of our own unhappiness, staying in relationshis that burn us and are not fulfilling, and going back to those relationships when we feel unneeded, lonely, or unloved.
Problem is we can lose a lot of time and have to struggle even harder to get back to square one where we were before we felt compelled to do further research. And then there we are again, having to go through the pain again.
I like dandy's idea of just hitting pause for a day. Maybe I would meditate on what's really behind my obsession or need to make that call? Am I lonely, heartbroken, feeling unloved? Sadly these things can never be fulfilled by another person. Does that mean we will never have relationships where we feel completely loved and needed and treasured? Of course not! Those relationships are out there waiting for us when we have done the hard and painful work of changing, growing, loving ourselves, respecting ourselves, relying on ourselves.
So call or delete, doesn't matter. The work that this painful relationship led you to will still be waiting to be done by you whenever you're ready!
Peace,
B.
Many an addict has had an obsession with just one more try, one more drink, one more fix, to try and prove to themselves they are not alcoholics/addicts. It is a common pitfall in thinking during early recovery. We codies do the same....denying the evidence day after day of our own unhappiness, staying in relationshis that burn us and are not fulfilling, and going back to those relationships when we feel unneeded, lonely, or unloved.
Problem is we can lose a lot of time and have to struggle even harder to get back to square one where we were before we felt compelled to do further research. And then there we are again, having to go through the pain again.
I like dandy's idea of just hitting pause for a day. Maybe I would meditate on what's really behind my obsession or need to make that call? Am I lonely, heartbroken, feeling unloved? Sadly these things can never be fulfilled by another person. Does that mean we will never have relationships where we feel completely loved and needed and treasured? Of course not! Those relationships are out there waiting for us when we have done the hard and painful work of changing, growing, loving ourselves, respecting ourselves, relying on ourselves.
So call or delete, doesn't matter. The work that this painful relationship led you to will still be waiting to be done by you whenever you're ready!
Peace,
B.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
is it possible you are romanticizing and glamorizing your memories of what really transpired between you two? and that as time goes by you miss this idealized vision not the actual person or event??
and is it also possible that your ego is taking a hit because he has NOT reached out to you, isn't demonstrating the type of longing and desire you wish him to?
tell you what....you wanna call him? call him. text him. whatever. however BE PREPARED for how that might turn out. i'd say the probability is high you won't get what you want.
and is it also possible that your ego is taking a hit because he has NOT reached out to you, isn't demonstrating the type of longing and desire you wish him to?
tell you what....you wanna call him? call him. text him. whatever. however BE PREPARED for how that might turn out. i'd say the probability is high you won't get what you want.
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My ex-fiance left me the engagement ring when he decided to call off our wedding. I sat with it for a couple months, then gave it to a friend for safekeeping. Once I was ready, I asked for it back then donated it to a charity that was especially meaningful for me.
Could you ask a friend to store the number for you, while you delete from your phone? Maybe write it down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and ask your friend to keep it for safekeeping? (If you have a safe deposit box, that works too.) You won't lose the number, but you will make it exceptionally difficult to make an impulsive decision to contact him.
At the same time, you could make a donation in an amount that contains some of the digits of his phone number. You may mourn the end of your relationship, but at the very least someone else can benefit from it.
Could you ask a friend to store the number for you, while you delete from your phone? Maybe write it down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and ask your friend to keep it for safekeeping? (If you have a safe deposit box, that works too.) You won't lose the number, but you will make it exceptionally difficult to make an impulsive decision to contact him.
At the same time, you could make a donation in an amount that contains some of the digits of his phone number. You may mourn the end of your relationship, but at the very least someone else can benefit from it.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
My ex-fiance left me the engagement ring when he decided to call off our wedding. I sat with it for a couple months, then gave it to a friend for safekeeping. Once I was ready, I asked for it back then donated it to a charity that was especially meaningful for me.
Could you ask a friend to store the number for you, while you delete from your phone? Maybe write it down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and ask your friend to keep it for safekeeping? (If you have a safe deposit box, that works too.) You won't lose the number, but you will make it exceptionally difficult to make an impulsive decision to contact him.
At the same time, you could make a donation in an amount that contains some of the digits of his phone number. You may mourn the end of your relationship, but at the very least someone else can benefit from it.
Could you ask a friend to store the number for you, while you delete from your phone? Maybe write it down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and ask your friend to keep it for safekeeping? (If you have a safe deposit box, that works too.) You won't lose the number, but you will make it exceptionally difficult to make an impulsive decision to contact him.
At the same time, you could make a donation in an amount that contains some of the digits of his phone number. You may mourn the end of your relationship, but at the very least someone else can benefit from it.
Also sorry about your wedding being called off and your fiance. How are you now?
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This is just so hard, every day having to work on myself, thinking, analysing meditating, journaling
It is!! It really, really is.
Try not to make it 24/7 - give your brain a rest too and find some time to just be a goofball and lighten up on yourself....whatever that looks like. For me it is just dancing around in my living room [no witnesses!], or watching a favorite movie...or any form of exercise, swimming or running...just to get out of my head for a while.
Peace,
B.
It is!! It really, really is.
Try not to make it 24/7 - give your brain a rest too and find some time to just be a goofball and lighten up on yourself....whatever that looks like. For me it is just dancing around in my living room [no witnesses!], or watching a favorite movie...or any form of exercise, swimming or running...just to get out of my head for a while.
Peace,
B.
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Glen...are you going to begin the structured grieving time? It help, unless you do it on a consistent basis....it is not a magic wand, of course....but, I found that it made a huge difference.....
You ask how he could call you so often....then...stop, altogether....
have you considered that he may h ave been drunk or high when he was calling you multiple times a day...? Drunk dialing is a well known ritual....
The guy sure didn't have his s*** together during that time, anyway....
You ask how he could call you so often....then...stop, altogether....
have you considered that he may h ave been drunk or high when he was calling you multiple times a day...? Drunk dialing is a well known ritual....
The guy sure didn't have his s*** together during that time, anyway....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Glen...are you going to begin the structured grieving time? It help, unless you do it on a consistent basis....it is not a magic wand, of course....but, I found that it made a huge difference.....
You ask how he could call you so often....then...stop, altogether....
have you considered that he may h ave been drunk or high when he was calling you multiple times a day...? Drunk dialing is a well known ritual....
The guy sure didn't have his s*** together during that time, anyway....
You ask how he could call you so often....then...stop, altogether....
have you considered that he may h ave been drunk or high when he was calling you multiple times a day...? Drunk dialing is a well known ritual....
The guy sure didn't have his s*** together during that time, anyway....
Yes going to try the structured grieving. Worth a shot.
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Unless you are with someone 24 hours a day you do not know when they have been drinking. At a guess he was probably maintenance drinking. You showed up and he had to get loaded to cope with that and went over the edge.
Many addicts use drugs to be what they can't be when sober. Whether that is sociable, confident, being able to approach others, to self-medicate, lots of reasons.
Many addicts use drugs to be what they can't be when sober. Whether that is sociable, confident, being able to approach others, to self-medicate, lots of reasons.
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Glen...just because a person is technically "sober" while they are actively using and abusing....doesn't mean that their thinking is changed.....it takes a concerted effort and treatment to begin to change the thinking and attitudes....and, ultimately the actions....
Calling and texting that many times a day can, perhaps, represent some form of "addiction" in itself---you know---like replacing one drug for another...Much like the people who use a "rehab romance" when the alcohol is taken away....A relationship...especially, a new one can cause a high that is similar to drugs (from the hormones)…...do you think you were the exciting forbidden fruit...?
Calling and texting that many times a day can, perhaps, represent some form of "addiction" in itself---you know---like replacing one drug for another...Much like the people who use a "rehab romance" when the alcohol is taken away....A relationship...especially, a new one can cause a high that is similar to drugs (from the hormones)…...do you think you were the exciting forbidden fruit...?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Glen...just because a person is technically "sober" while they are actively using and abusing....doesn't mean that their thinking is changed.....it takes a concerted effort and treatment to begin to change the thinking and attitudes....and, ultimately the actions....
Calling and texting that many times a day can, perhaps, represent some form of "addiction" in itself---you know---like replacing one drug for another...Much like the people who use a "rehab romance" when the alcohol is taken away....A relationship...especially, a new one can cause a high that is similar to drugs (from the hormones)…...do you think you were the exciting forbidden fruit...?
Calling and texting that many times a day can, perhaps, represent some form of "addiction" in itself---you know---like replacing one drug for another...Much like the people who use a "rehab romance" when the alcohol is taken away....A relationship...especially, a new one can cause a high that is similar to drugs (from the hormones)…...do you think you were the exciting forbidden fruit...?
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Glen...you have no way to be sure that he was not sipping and dipping, on the side, when he was telling you he was sober....neither do his parents...even if he was living in the house with them.....I have had years of experience working with alcoholics...and, they will tell you that they are sober while they are actually holding the drink in their hand....(I have seen it)….
Now, of course, I can't prove anything about your ex...but, lets just say that my index of suspicions are sky high...lol...
Now, of course, I can't prove anything about your ex...but, lets just say that my index of suspicions are sky high...lol...
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it's possible he was high on coke during this time....coke makes people chatty as hell, and if bored and alone, they are likely to power phone anyone who will pick up and let them blather on. with addicts, when there is a will there is a way.
you seem to think that your showing up on that planned visit somehow triggered a relapse in him. it does not work that way. you are not the cause of anyone else's emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories, using or drinking. THEY are. just as you are solely responsible for how YOU think feel act respond muse mull and dwell.
he got loaded cuz that's what addicts do. he found a male to get high and get his freak on with. all addicts lead double lives, he just enhanced his second life a bit, played out the roles a bit farther.
let him go. you'll be doing yourself a favor. it was a thing, and now it's not. this happens all the time. a barometer of our own health is how well we learn to let others go, completely. with no expectations. look how much of your precious time you have "wasted" over one phone number in your phone. seriously.............
you seem to think that your showing up on that planned visit somehow triggered a relapse in him. it does not work that way. you are not the cause of anyone else's emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories, using or drinking. THEY are. just as you are solely responsible for how YOU think feel act respond muse mull and dwell.
he got loaded cuz that's what addicts do. he found a male to get high and get his freak on with. all addicts lead double lives, he just enhanced his second life a bit, played out the roles a bit farther.
let him go. you'll be doing yourself a favor. it was a thing, and now it's not. this happens all the time. a barometer of our own health is how well we learn to let others go, completely. with no expectations. look how much of your precious time you have "wasted" over one phone number in your phone. seriously.............
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