To delete his number....or one last try
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Please don't send the letter.
Please respect his wishes.
Sending it against his direct and specific request for no contact is selfish, and not an act of a friend.
Please respect his wishes.
Sending it against his direct and specific request for no contact is selfish, and not an act of a friend.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Was how he treated me the act of a friend?
You then left and his concern was only for himself, not that your holiday was ruined, that you had to leave his place to go to a hotel because you felt he was out of control, that you had to cut your holiday short and fly back home.
Doesn't sound very friendly. It does however sound completely self-serving. That's what addiction does to people.
Now, you could say that if he is clean all of this will miraculously clear up and he will be the "nice" version of himself, but is that true or does he need help getting there.
You will send the letter/email whichever it is or you won't, however before you do please examine what your expectations are. (as atalose refers to). What if he doesn't reply? What if he replies negatively? What if he replies in a positive way as in i'll contact you many months down the road when I get myself together.
Do any of those give you the answer you are looking for? I don't know by the way, I'm asking because it's perhaps a good idea to be prepared.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
No. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Not only did he freak out during your holiday, that you had looked forward to for quite some time, he showed no remorse for treating you so poorly.
You then left and his concern was only for himself, not that your holiday was ruined, that you had to leave his place to go to a hotel because you felt he was out of control, that you had to cut your holiday short and fly back home.
Doesn't sound very friendly. It does however sound completely self-serving. That's what addiction does to people.
Now, you could say that if he is clean all of this will miraculously clear up and he will be the "nice" version of himself, but is that true or does he need help getting there.
You will send the letter/email whichever it is or you won't, however before you do please examine what your expectations are. (as atalose refers to). What if he doesn't reply? What if he replies negatively? What if he replies in a positive way as in i'll contact you many months down the road when I get myself together.
Do any of those give you the answer you are looking for? I don't know by the way, I'm asking because it's perhaps a good idea to be prepared.
You then left and his concern was only for himself, not that your holiday was ruined, that you had to leave his place to go to a hotel because you felt he was out of control, that you had to cut your holiday short and fly back home.
Doesn't sound very friendly. It does however sound completely self-serving. That's what addiction does to people.
Now, you could say that if he is clean all of this will miraculously clear up and he will be the "nice" version of himself, but is that true or does he need help getting there.
You will send the letter/email whichever it is or you won't, however before you do please examine what your expectations are. (as atalose refers to). What if he doesn't reply? What if he replies negatively? What if he replies in a positive way as in i'll contact you many months down the road when I get myself together.
Do any of those give you the answer you are looking for? I don't know by the way, I'm asking because it's perhaps a good idea to be prepared.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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In my experience, you will never know whether or not he reads what you have written, or if he does, whether or not he understands it the way you want him to.
I know I am coming across harshly, but I have been in your exact position, and I sent the letter (in my case, email). All it did was hurt me. Going to the hardware store for bread will do that every time.
If he thinks you are weak, sending him this letter will only reinforce his misconception. The way to show true strength is to let go and focus on yourself.
I know what it is like to just want to DO SOMETHING to stop feeling so bad. Whenever I acted on that impulse, I just ended up hurting myself more or prolonging the pain. I was never able to make the other person change to give me what I thought I needed.
I know I am coming across harshly, but I have been in your exact position, and I sent the letter (in my case, email). All it did was hurt me. Going to the hardware store for bread will do that every time.
If he thinks you are weak, sending him this letter will only reinforce his misconception. The way to show true strength is to let go and focus on yourself.
I know what it is like to just want to DO SOMETHING to stop feeling so bad. Whenever I acted on that impulse, I just ended up hurting myself more or prolonging the pain. I was never able to make the other person change to give me what I thought I needed.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
In my experience, you will never know whether or not he reads what you have written, or if he does, whether or not he understands it the way you want him to.
I know I am coming across harshly, but I have been in your exact position, and I sent the letter (in my case, email). All it did was hurt me. Going to the hardware store for bread will do that every time.
If he thinks you are weak, sending him this letter will only reinforce his misconception. The way to show true strength is to let go and focus on yourself.
I know what it is like to just want to DO SOMETHING to stop feeling so bad. Whenever I acted on that impulse, I just ended up hurting myself more or prolonging the pain. I was never able to make the other person change to give me what I thought I needed.
I know I am coming across harshly, but I have been in your exact position, and I sent the letter (in my case, email). All it did was hurt me. Going to the hardware store for bread will do that every time.
If he thinks you are weak, sending him this letter will only reinforce his misconception. The way to show true strength is to let go and focus on yourself.
I know what it is like to just want to DO SOMETHING to stop feeling so bad. Whenever I acted on that impulse, I just ended up hurting myself more or prolonging the pain. I was never able to make the other person change to give me what I thought I needed.
Throwing it out there then, does the addict never get to hear the impact of their actions then....
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Throwing it out there then, does the addict never get to hear the impact of their actions then....
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I don't know. But I think anyone who becomes addicted to substances has a world of hurt of their own to deal with whether they do or not. Not better, not worse, just different.
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I’ve been in this position many times too, and have been the person to send the letter/s. Also have done the no contact. Also have been the one who has hurt others. With my 1st break up, I did the letter sending, but never did get the apology. With years to reflect on it, I probably would counsel my younger self not to send them, but I know how I was at the time, and probably wouldn’t have listened to older/ wiser self (ha), and sent them anyways. However in hindsight, I did what I thought was best at the time, and know that I tried every thing I could, even though I got stonewalled (and just when I would start to pull away, I got some pulling on his end peppered in), which was very painful. But I know the harsh ending wasn’t from lack of trying on my end, you know? And his behavior just taught me who he really was. It was a tough lesson, but showed me that the break up was the best thing for me long term, even though it sucked for years afterwards.
However, I’ve also been on the receiving end of an apology, one that I wasn’t expecting. A guy from HS. Showed up on my doorstep one day when we were in our 20s, when I was home visiting. Just out of the blue apologized to me for how he treated me back then. It wasn’t an amends from 12 step or anything, just something that was on his conscience. I remember that now, whenever I feel like I’ve wronged someone. I’m actually in the process of repairing a relationship with an old friend who I hurt years ago, and hope my apology helped in some way. You just never know. I think if it’s not hurtful to someone present day, and the person is open to it, that kind of a thing can have a huge/ healing impact.
At any rate, examining possible outcomes is a good idea. You might get the no response, or meanness. You may get receptiveness. However, one thing that might also happen, depending on what kind of a person he is and where he’s at, is he might take what you reveal about yourself now, and not view it as standing up for yourself, but as informational about your vulnerabilities, and use it against you somehow down the road.
A lot to think about! Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be.
However, I’ve also been on the receiving end of an apology, one that I wasn’t expecting. A guy from HS. Showed up on my doorstep one day when we were in our 20s, when I was home visiting. Just out of the blue apologized to me for how he treated me back then. It wasn’t an amends from 12 step or anything, just something that was on his conscience. I remember that now, whenever I feel like I’ve wronged someone. I’m actually in the process of repairing a relationship with an old friend who I hurt years ago, and hope my apology helped in some way. You just never know. I think if it’s not hurtful to someone present day, and the person is open to it, that kind of a thing can have a huge/ healing impact.
At any rate, examining possible outcomes is a good idea. You might get the no response, or meanness. You may get receptiveness. However, one thing that might also happen, depending on what kind of a person he is and where he’s at, is he might take what you reveal about yourself now, and not view it as standing up for yourself, but as informational about your vulnerabilities, and use it against you somehow down the road.
A lot to think about! Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
I’ve been in this position many times too, and have been the person to send the letter/s. Also have done the no contact. Also have been the one who has hurt others. With my 1st break up, I did the letter sending, but never did get the apology. With years to reflect on it, I probably would counsel my younger self not to send them, but I know how I was at the time, and probably wouldn’t have listened to older/ wiser self (ha), and sent them anyways. However in hindsight, I did what I thought was best at the time, and know that I tried every thing I could, even though I got stonewalled (and just when I would start to pull away, I got some pulling on his end peppered in), which was very painful. But I know the harsh ending wasn’t from lack of trying on my end, you know? And his behavior just taught me who he really was. It was a tough lesson, but showed me that the break up was the best thing for me long term, even though it sucked for years afterwards.
However, I’ve also been on the receiving end of an apology, one that I wasn’t expecting. A guy from HS. Showed up on my doorstep one day when we were in our 20s, when I was home visiting. Just out of the blue apologized to me for how he treated me back then. It wasn’t an amends from 12 step or anything, just something that was on his conscience. I remember that now, whenever I feel like I’ve wronged someone. I’m actually in the process of repairing a relationship with an old friend who I hurt years ago, and hope my apology helped in some way. You just never know. I think if it’s not hurtful to someone present day, and the person is open to it, that kind of a thing can have a huge/ healing impact.
At any rate, examining possible outcomes is a good idea. You might get the no response, or meanness. You may get receptiveness. However, one thing that might also happen, depending on what kind of a person he is and where he’s at, is he might take what you reveal about yourself now, and not view it as standing up for yourself, but as informational about your vulnerabilities, and use it against you somehow down the road.
A lot to think about! Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be.
However, I’ve also been on the receiving end of an apology, one that I wasn’t expecting. A guy from HS. Showed up on my doorstep one day when we were in our 20s, when I was home visiting. Just out of the blue apologized to me for how he treated me back then. It wasn’t an amends from 12 step or anything, just something that was on his conscience. I remember that now, whenever I feel like I’ve wronged someone. I’m actually in the process of repairing a relationship with an old friend who I hurt years ago, and hope my apology helped in some way. You just never know. I think if it’s not hurtful to someone present day, and the person is open to it, that kind of a thing can have a huge/ healing impact.
At any rate, examining possible outcomes is a good idea. You might get the no response, or meanness. You may get receptiveness. However, one thing that might also happen, depending on what kind of a person he is and where he’s at, is he might take what you reveal about yourself now, and not view it as standing up for yourself, but as informational about your vulnerabilities, and use it against you somehow down the road.
A lot to think about! Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be.
I had thought about the vulnerability aspect as opposed to him seeing me standing up for myself, but he is the type of guy who used to think people who didn't argue back or were assertive were weaker. Anyway who knows, I'll pray for guidance tonight see if that works.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I suppose trusting a higher power to look after that end of things instead of trying to control it myself. I know he has taught me a huge lesson, a spiritual assisgnment if you will, to love myself more, build a better relationship with myself, and I'm thankful for that. I have to look beyond all the hurt to see that though which is the hard work.
It doesn't mean I like it and I know it's romantic to think "if I could go back & change things....." but I'd still be spinning in those same old patterns, encouraging the same dysfunction to flourish & calling myself "normal". My DD would never be the person that she is now or in the future.
It took me a long time to get there but I have gratitude for my struggles now. If I was given the chance to change history today, I'd have to pass because I know that pressing the "easy" button would end up holding ALL of us back. My worst day now has so much more clarity than my best day before.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
A lady I know who is a recovered addict, said it was very cocky of him to assume that he could get in contact with me in the future. She said most recovered addicts when doing amends reach out in hope not cockyness.
I had thought about the vulnerability aspect as opposed to him seeing me standing up for myself, but he is the type of guy who used to think people who didn't argue back or were assertive were weaker. Anyway who knows,
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks it helps to hear that others have been in the letter sending situation. "Sucked for years after" jumped out at me. Don't think I could handle years of this. Your second story was lovely what a nice gesture from him. I think the words sorry have a powerful impact on people. Tiny words but help so much.
I had thought about the vulnerability aspect as opposed to him seeing me standing up for myself, but he is the type of guy who used to think people who didn't argue back or were assertive were weaker. Anyway who knows, I'll pray for guidance tonight see if that works.
I had thought about the vulnerability aspect as opposed to him seeing me standing up for myself, but he is the type of guy who used to think people who didn't argue back or were assertive were weaker. Anyway who knows, I'll pray for guidance tonight see if that works.
Hopefully that won’t happen to you. I think mine took so long to get over, is because it was my first, and I really had no understanding at the time of how substance abuse changes people, he didn’t have that yet we were in HS, or for the first couple of years when we were together (from ages 17-20). He ended up running with this crazy drug/ snowboarding/ skateboarding crowd, and was heavily influenced by the douchebags he was hanging with. Unfortunately, I didn’t know any better at the time, and took it personally.
Our break up happened in another state, it was the type of break up I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (he actually told me he didn’t love me anymore..years later I sabotaged something with someone I loved very much because I thought if he got to know me, he’d tell me he didn’t love me anymore too
. ) I really flailed for a while, and it wasn’t until later, after I got therapy and learned about family dynamics/ abandonment issues/ child abuse and all of that, and that I’m just sooooo sensitive, that everything came together and started to make sense. It sounds like you are processing/ opening up to people, which is good (which I did not do- I really didn’t handle it very well). Hopefully your healing will be smoother/ quicker. And I hear you about the aggressive/ not pushing back as seen as weakness, I know that type of personality. Is he by any chance a “thinking” type who sees feelings/ emotions as weakness? I personally hesitate to show vulnerabilities with that type. You have a lot to think about for sure.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I've said it many times - and it's still a hard truth. I would never have addressed my own issues if my husband hadn't gone down the path he has.
It doesn't mean I like it and I know it's romantic to think "if I could go back & change things....." but I'd still be spinning in those same old patterns, encouraging the same dysfunction to flourish & calling myself "normal". My DD would never be the person that she is now or in the future.
It took me a long time to get there but I have gratitude for my struggles now. If I was given the chance to change history today, I'd have to pass because I know that pressing the "easy" button would end up holding ALL of us back. My worst day now has so much more clarity than my best day before.
It doesn't mean I like it and I know it's romantic to think "if I could go back & change things....." but I'd still be spinning in those same old patterns, encouraging the same dysfunction to flourish & calling myself "normal". My DD would never be the person that she is now or in the future.
It took me a long time to get there but I have gratitude for my struggles now. If I was given the chance to change history today, I'd have to pass because I know that pressing the "easy" button would end up holding ALL of us back. My worst day now has so much more clarity than my best day before.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
How about some structured grieving, tonight, also...? You did say that you liked that idea.....
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I think it makes a lot of unhealthy emotional sense that when one is hurt they want to hurt back when feeling hurt, angry and confused. I also get how today you want to stand up for yourself where didn’t/couldn’t back then.
My personal thoughts are, we can tell an addict all the hurtful, horrible things they said and did and how it made us feel………………but that’s just it, isn’t addiction all about NOT feeling, numbing one’s feelings, escaping from those feelings. His connection to your feeling is like trying to put two south pole magnets together, the magnets repel each other, you can’t move them together, it’s not a positive outcome.
Right now if he’s actively working a strong recovery program he’s walking a fine line of trying to balance insight into his own desire for escape and abstinence from his addiction. Probably no were near a step 9 and he may never be and you may never be included if he does, that’s a reality.
You may never get the kind of closure you are seeking so you may have to bring that closure about yourself.
My personal thoughts are, we can tell an addict all the hurtful, horrible things they said and did and how it made us feel………………but that’s just it, isn’t addiction all about NOT feeling, numbing one’s feelings, escaping from those feelings. His connection to your feeling is like trying to put two south pole magnets together, the magnets repel each other, you can’t move them together, it’s not a positive outcome.
Right now if he’s actively working a strong recovery program he’s walking a fine line of trying to balance insight into his own desire for escape and abstinence from his addiction. Probably no were near a step 9 and he may never be and you may never be included if he does, that’s a reality.
You may never get the kind of closure you are seeking so you may have to bring that closure about yourself.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I think it makes a lot of unhealthy emotional sense that when one is hurt they want to hurt back when feeling hurt, angry and confused. I also get how today you want to stand up for yourself where didn’t/couldn’t back then.
My personal thoughts are, we can tell an addict all the hurtful, horrible things they said and did and how it made us feel………………but that’s just it, isn’t addiction all about NOT feeling, numbing one’s feelings, escaping from those feelings. His connection to your feeling is like trying to put two south pole magnets together, the magnets repel each other, you can’t move them together, it’s not a positive outcome.
Right now if he’s actively working a strong recovery program he’s walking a fine line of trying to balance insight into his own desire for escape and abstinence from his addiction. Probably no were near a step 9 and he may never be and you may never be included if he does, that’s a reality.
You may never get the kind of closure you are seeking so you may have to bring that closure about yourself.
My personal thoughts are, we can tell an addict all the hurtful, horrible things they said and did and how it made us feel………………but that’s just it, isn’t addiction all about NOT feeling, numbing one’s feelings, escaping from those feelings. His connection to your feeling is like trying to put two south pole magnets together, the magnets repel each other, you can’t move them together, it’s not a positive outcome.
Right now if he’s actively working a strong recovery program he’s walking a fine line of trying to balance insight into his own desire for escape and abstinence from his addiction. Probably no were near a step 9 and he may never be and you may never be included if he does, that’s a reality.
You may never get the kind of closure you are seeking so you may have to bring that closure about yourself.
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Glen, you are bringing out the codie in me 
so I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.
I don't think you need to GET or sympathise or anything about how hard his recovery is.
To heck with him!
I hope you can let go enough to put your focus on you. Just you. Not hoping for a 'sorry' from someone, or an action from someone (who has hurt you deeply) to help you feel better.
But, to completely, selfishly take care of your own self.
This thread is filled with some really awesome wisdom and insight. You are in good hands here.
so I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.I don't think you need to GET or sympathise or anything about how hard his recovery is.
To heck with him!
I hope you can let go enough to put your focus on you. Just you. Not hoping for a 'sorry' from someone, or an action from someone (who has hurt you deeply) to help you feel better.
But, to completely, selfishly take care of your own self.
This thread is filled with some really awesome wisdom and insight. You are in good hands here.
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
Glen, you are bringing out the codie in me so I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.
I don't think you need to GET or sympathise or anything about how hard his recovery is.
To heck with him!
I hope you can let go enough to put your focus on you. Just you. Not hoping for a 'sorry' from someone, or an action from someone (who has hurt you deeply) to help you feel better.
But, to completely, selfishly take care of your own self.
This thread is filled with some really awesome wisdom and insight. You are in good hands here.
so I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.I don't think you need to GET or sympathise or anything about how hard his recovery is.
To heck with him!
I hope you can let go enough to put your focus on you. Just you. Not hoping for a 'sorry' from someone, or an action from someone (who has hurt you deeply) to help you feel better.
But, to completely, selfishly take care of your own self.
This thread is filled with some really awesome wisdom and insight. You are in good hands here.
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