Feeling guilt post-break up and wishing I was a better support
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Feeling guilt post-break up and wishing I was a better support
Broke up with my ex alchoholic BF about 3weeks ago. Been doing no contact for the last 2 weeks. For the last week my urges are getting stronger to hear from him and to reach out to him. I feel very panicked and anxious during these urges.... And when they pass I'm better but still I think of him constantly and remembering the good times (also reflecting on the bad times and seeing my responsibility). I'm really hoping that one day we can one reconcile. I'm carrying a lot of guilt for my part in the break up...wishing I took better care of myself and didn't get so snappy and angry with him.. I know he played a role in the break up with his bigger problems and the way in which he coped with them... But I feel guilt because I wasn't as strong or compassionate a support as I could have been. At times he felt neglected in the relationship... And when I look back I realize I chose to distance myself in order to find strength and independence... So that my head wasn't filled with worries. But learning everything I know now, I have all these regrets, wishing I understood his illness better... When we were both being the best versions of ourselves, we were great together, we were totally connected and happy, but when stressed from either side, we struggled and we didn't know how to get our needs met. And this is what created resentment and pain. I understand that alcoholism created an uneasy and at times, unpredictable environment, however I just can't seem to get over the guilt I feel for not just staying on my side of the street... For not just minding my own business enough. Because whenever I did take care of myself and had more compassion in my heart towards him, he was happy and calmer and we were both happier for it.
I'm seeing a therapist weekly now but I just can't accept that it's totally over. We left things on a yes it's a break up, but we both felt conflicted about that, and decided that no matter what happens in the future we just need space to sort ourselves out right now. He said he'd start seeing a therapist too. So I'm unable to see it as a definitve end... I'm hoping that we just had to break it in order to fix it. And that we just need time... But as time passes I think that perhaps he is really done with me...as much as he loves me, he might just want to block me out and move on.
I'm learning as much as I can about everything now, and I'm trying to focus on me as much as I can... I want to heal and improve myself...and all sorts of emotions are coming up and I'm doing the work.
There are also times I feel accepting of my situation... But when these waves of sadness hit me, memories of who he is, it's just so hard to let go and give up on us. I love him so much. It would be good to hear your thoughts. Thanks.
I'm seeing a therapist weekly now but I just can't accept that it's totally over. We left things on a yes it's a break up, but we both felt conflicted about that, and decided that no matter what happens in the future we just need space to sort ourselves out right now. He said he'd start seeing a therapist too. So I'm unable to see it as a definitve end... I'm hoping that we just had to break it in order to fix it. And that we just need time... But as time passes I think that perhaps he is really done with me...as much as he loves me, he might just want to block me out and move on.
I'm learning as much as I can about everything now, and I'm trying to focus on me as much as I can... I want to heal and improve myself...and all sorts of emotions are coming up and I'm doing the work.
There are also times I feel accepting of my situation... But when these waves of sadness hit me, memories of who he is, it's just so hard to let go and give up on us. I love him so much. It would be good to hear your thoughts. Thanks.
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Many of your feelings I can relate to such as the guilt for not being able to “handle” things better and be more supportive as to what my AXBFB was going through.
Then I think about all the ways he was unable, due to his addiction, of being supportive towards me and my needs. When I was committed to doing another mini-triathlon with my best friend and got bronchitis (for 4 weeks) he got drunk and berated me for not training, saying “Nobody gets sick for 4 weeks!” - in spite of him being able to audibly hear my chest congestion and knowing I was on medication from Urgent Care.
Whenever I got to missing him I would think about that “smell” that he exuded all the time because of his daily consumption of beer. I thought of those times that he got drunk and said hurtful things.
When we first started dating he and I both presented the best of ourselves and it was so lovely! But then I remembered the first time he got the shakes from not drinking that day. I should have run right then and there, but he passed it off as low blood sugar and since I get that way myself and really didn’t want to admit to myself how bad the problem was, I dismissed it.
When I first broke up with him I left the possibility of reconciliation on the table, and he ran with it like he was in the NFL going for a touchdown! I became more and more frustrated that he “wasn’t hearing me”. I ended up going no contact when he kept pushing me to give him his way and I was dealing with a crisis at work and couldn’t engage with him like he wanted. 24 hours later I unblocked him and within an hour he was blowing me up - and things got NASTY!
That night was one of the worst arguments of my life and had it been in person I believe it would have gotten physical (on both sides). I ended up blocking him again and felt such peace. That argument essentially “killed” any loving feelings I had towards him and I no longer miss him. I do, however, feel compassion for him.
He is struggling with a horrible disease that I know he doesn’t want. Most of my frustrations were because he didn’t respect by boundaries, but my actions were contrary to my words, just like his were.
I was addicted to the drama and had to break free. When I was done I was done.
I’ve no longer left reconciliation on the table - I am not capable of being in a healthy relationship until I am healthy again. What do I have to bring to a relationship right now? Baggage, pain, bitterness, mistrust, and self-depreciation for having allowed the unacceptable for so long. Through self-love and personal discovery and growth I will learn to become whole and happy again, and then, perhaps, if I feel ready I will consider entering into a relationship.
As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself how the HELL are you gonna love somebody else?!”
Then I think about all the ways he was unable, due to his addiction, of being supportive towards me and my needs. When I was committed to doing another mini-triathlon with my best friend and got bronchitis (for 4 weeks) he got drunk and berated me for not training, saying “Nobody gets sick for 4 weeks!” - in spite of him being able to audibly hear my chest congestion and knowing I was on medication from Urgent Care.
Whenever I got to missing him I would think about that “smell” that he exuded all the time because of his daily consumption of beer. I thought of those times that he got drunk and said hurtful things.
When we first started dating he and I both presented the best of ourselves and it was so lovely! But then I remembered the first time he got the shakes from not drinking that day. I should have run right then and there, but he passed it off as low blood sugar and since I get that way myself and really didn’t want to admit to myself how bad the problem was, I dismissed it.
When I first broke up with him I left the possibility of reconciliation on the table, and he ran with it like he was in the NFL going for a touchdown! I became more and more frustrated that he “wasn’t hearing me”. I ended up going no contact when he kept pushing me to give him his way and I was dealing with a crisis at work and couldn’t engage with him like he wanted. 24 hours later I unblocked him and within an hour he was blowing me up - and things got NASTY!
That night was one of the worst arguments of my life and had it been in person I believe it would have gotten physical (on both sides). I ended up blocking him again and felt such peace. That argument essentially “killed” any loving feelings I had towards him and I no longer miss him. I do, however, feel compassion for him.
He is struggling with a horrible disease that I know he doesn’t want. Most of my frustrations were because he didn’t respect by boundaries, but my actions were contrary to my words, just like his were.
I was addicted to the drama and had to break free. When I was done I was done.
I’ve no longer left reconciliation on the table - I am not capable of being in a healthy relationship until I am healthy again. What do I have to bring to a relationship right now? Baggage, pain, bitterness, mistrust, and self-depreciation for having allowed the unacceptable for so long. Through self-love and personal discovery and growth I will learn to become whole and happy again, and then, perhaps, if I feel ready I will consider entering into a relationship.
As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself how the HELL are you gonna love somebody else?!”
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Can also relate to everything you've said, especially wishing "you had stayed on your side of the street... For not just minding my own business enough". Me too, if I knew then what I know now. It's like 2 damaged or wounded souls not knowing what to do and causing chaos along the way. So sad. I would love to become good friends with him someday if it's in both our best interests.
I hear what your saying about him moving on, in my no contact situation now, I fear this too, it's like, although he has to do this to recover, part of me thinks when someone's not in your life they get used to it and learn to move on without you, so can relate.
I hope things work out for the best for both of ye.
I hear what your saying about him moving on, in my no contact situation now, I fear this too, it's like, although he has to do this to recover, part of me thinks when someone's not in your life they get used to it and learn to move on without you, so can relate.
I hope things work out for the best for both of ye.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
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Leaving my alcoholic loved one wasn't much different than when I quit drinking.
After a while, I questioned what I could have done different in order to keep the relationship or alcohol in my life. Maybe I hadn't done all I could or tried hard enough. I had desperate urges to go back to it. I kept thinking that one day down the road maybe it could work out.
What really helped was to first not give in to those urges no matter how strong they were. Sometimes that would leave me curled up in a ball crying in frustration, I felt so helpless. But I got through them without acting on them. Some of it was like going through the stages of grief with the sadness, anger, bargaining, etc.
The other thing that really helped was the "One Day at a Time" thing. I only had to do this (stay away/not pick up the phone or the drink) just for today. Sometimes it was for just this hour or just this next 5 minutes, but those were doable. The more I could do those things, the stronger I got and the more my life began to improve. I began to spend more time seeing what needed changing in myself and learning how I could do that.
Having support was also very helpful.
Looking back on both cases now, that initial suffering and pain were all so very worth it. Now I have my life back and it's good.
After a while, I questioned what I could have done different in order to keep the relationship or alcohol in my life. Maybe I hadn't done all I could or tried hard enough. I had desperate urges to go back to it. I kept thinking that one day down the road maybe it could work out.
What really helped was to first not give in to those urges no matter how strong they were. Sometimes that would leave me curled up in a ball crying in frustration, I felt so helpless. But I got through them without acting on them. Some of it was like going through the stages of grief with the sadness, anger, bargaining, etc.
The other thing that really helped was the "One Day at a Time" thing. I only had to do this (stay away/not pick up the phone or the drink) just for today. Sometimes it was for just this hour or just this next 5 minutes, but those were doable. The more I could do those things, the stronger I got and the more my life began to improve. I began to spend more time seeing what needed changing in myself and learning how I could do that.
Having support was also very helpful.
Looking back on both cases now, that initial suffering and pain were all so very worth it. Now I have my life back and it's good.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Yes, it's a tough time for sure.
I saw your post yesterday and I've been thinking about it. It is easy for people on the outside to say, keep on keeping on, stay strong, it will get easier etc (well not easy, they say it for a reason and because they have probably already been there!).
Sometimes people get stuck though and I can see that is where you are. That is completely normal too.
I think the most important thing when thinking about the relationship is to see it clearly. In your post I see a conflict of ideas:
Unless i'm misunderstanding you here you say he felt neglected when you were or appeared to be distant but that you distanced yourself to save your peace of mind (for lack of a better description) and you also say you should have been staying on your side of the street more.
How do you combine the two. Being able to maintain some peace of mind by carrying on with your life and making it happy and engaging with an Alcoholic that feels neglected if you aren't completely engaged in the relationship.
You can't. Short of taking up drinking (and i'm sure that doesn't always work either!).
What I hear you saying is that by using your new tools you can be in a relationship with him and deal with his alcoholism?
I saw your post yesterday and I've been thinking about it. It is easy for people on the outside to say, keep on keeping on, stay strong, it will get easier etc (well not easy, they say it for a reason and because they have probably already been there!).
Sometimes people get stuck though and I can see that is where you are. That is completely normal too.
I think the most important thing when thinking about the relationship is to see it clearly. In your post I see a conflict of ideas:
At times he felt neglected in the relationship... And when I look back I realize I chose to distance myself in order to find strength and independence... So that my head wasn't filled with worries.
I just can't seem to get over the guilt I feel for not just staying on my side of the street... For not just minding my own business enough. Because whenever I did take care of myself and had more compassion in my heart towards him, he was happy and calmer and we were both happier for it.
How do you combine the two. Being able to maintain some peace of mind by carrying on with your life and making it happy and engaging with an Alcoholic that feels neglected if you aren't completely engaged in the relationship.
You can't. Short of taking up drinking (and i'm sure that doesn't always work either!).
What I hear you saying is that by using your new tools you can be in a relationship with him and deal with his alcoholism?
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It sounds like everything you are feeling is pretty normal for when a relationship ends. I discovered with me that my guilt was a way of keeping me attached to a toxic relationship. The more guilt I could feel the more I could justify in my thoughts that maybe going back would be ok……and of course it was not!!
I think we tend to look back on the bad times of the relationship with some blinders on. See all of those things in a shinier light and tell ourselves maybe it wasn't so bad……and of course it was always much worse.
We memorialize the good times because it lessons our pain at that moment and the more we can obsess about all the good times the less we have to FEELour pain about the reality of the bad times.
And where do you think things would have gone had you ignored his drinking and his behaviors and just stayed on your side of the street?
He was your partner in a relationship, shouldn’t he and what he does be your business?
It sounds like when you ignored the pink elephant in the room is when he was happy and probably when you were stuffing your feelings and just keeping your mouth shut
I think we tend to look back on the bad times of the relationship with some blinders on. See all of those things in a shinier light and tell ourselves maybe it wasn't so bad……and of course it was always much worse.
We memorialize the good times because it lessons our pain at that moment and the more we can obsess about all the good times the less we have to FEELour pain about the reality of the bad times.
I understand that alcoholism created an uneasy and at times, unpredictable environment, however I just can't seem to get over the guilt I feel for not just staying on my side of the street...
For not just minding my own business enough.
Because whenever I did take care of myself and had more compassion in my heart towards him, he was happy and calmer and we were both happier for it.
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Thanks everyone, appreciate your insights and wisdom with all this.
What I hear you saying is that by using your new tools you can be in a relationship with him and deal with his alcoholism?
Yes Trailmix, in some way yes I feel like I'd be willing to accept it ... But I also know that this would be me accepting a challenging life and makes me question what happened to me? My standards ? When at the beginning I was strong and had clear boundaries. But evidently I surrendered myself to some fairytale wanting some guy to rescue me! When really I should have stuck to rescuing myself. What happened to me?
The very sad truth is that I've become so familiar with 'challenge' and struggle. And this is painful to accept that truth because I'm looking at my own family history - volatile parents, mum has a drinking problem... lots of stuff I don't want to use as an excuse for my insecurity but there is an obvious link here.
So now I feel scared of my future ...it's been up and down... some moments are okay... but right now ... the longer I go without hearing from him, I'm feeling more overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings coming up. The reality of my life without him in it... Missing him , wondering if he'll just numb me out and meet someone else... and I'm scared to meet someone new too because it would feel like I'm betraying him on some level! And scared I'd end up falling for someone else in the future who also has heavy problems and I want to 'save him' too. I'm not sure what kind of guy I could even be so attracted to again after my ex... as I had a really strong connection with him. We were like magnets ... and now nothing.
I know I need time, I know that's the answer to all this. Time and lots of self love and reflection... in order for me not to repeat patters... but it's so much thinking and feeling... which I'm open to... but it's exhausting and I can't think straight about much else in my life as it's so mentally tiring.
It sounds like when you ignored the pink elephant in the room is when he was happy and probably when you were stuffing your feelings and just keeping your mouth shut.
Atalose this is true... I did stuff my feelings in order to keep the happy vibes going for him. When I had reserves of my own that day I'd be able to just put his feelings first. I'm crying right now thinking about how much I tried to just save his feelings, save his embarrassment. But inside I was crying with worry for him.... and then of course, whenever I didn't have my reserves, or I reminded him of something that upset me, or mentioned his drinking, he wasn't so accepting of me... and I'd end up feeling guilty for being angry and bringing up this kind of thing.
How did I allow this? Why did I hang on? Because I loved him , said to myself 'he's the one', and really hoped for change... always hoped he'd eventually just look inwards and make changes. But now here I am miserable, alone, worried about my mental health...can't think straight about much really. Feeling indecisive about things I need to do in relation to my work. And I'm stuck in this same neighbourhood as him too. And all the while, he posts nonsense 'happy' viral videos on his facebook! Numbing out his thoughts about me. He's mr okay burying in his head in the sand and I'm a mess...
Good news is that I'm going away camping and surfing this weekend with my friend... and last night I had a nice dinner with my other friend... so I'm making some positive moves. Some good moments. But I just carry this heaviness everywhere I go, everytime I rememeber all this.
When will it end ...god... I've had some tough break ups in my life, but this seems the like the toughest one ever, you know?...it's so messed up. So confusing trying to work him out, work out what the hell happened. And now trying to pick up the pieces in this limbo.
Looking back on both cases now, that initial suffering and pain were all so very worth it. Now I have my life back and it's good.
Thank you bird. I hope this will happen for me...
What I hear you saying is that by using your new tools you can be in a relationship with him and deal with his alcoholism?
Yes Trailmix, in some way yes I feel like I'd be willing to accept it ... But I also know that this would be me accepting a challenging life and makes me question what happened to me? My standards ? When at the beginning I was strong and had clear boundaries. But evidently I surrendered myself to some fairytale wanting some guy to rescue me! When really I should have stuck to rescuing myself. What happened to me?
The very sad truth is that I've become so familiar with 'challenge' and struggle. And this is painful to accept that truth because I'm looking at my own family history - volatile parents, mum has a drinking problem... lots of stuff I don't want to use as an excuse for my insecurity but there is an obvious link here.
So now I feel scared of my future ...it's been up and down... some moments are okay... but right now ... the longer I go without hearing from him, I'm feeling more overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings coming up. The reality of my life without him in it... Missing him , wondering if he'll just numb me out and meet someone else... and I'm scared to meet someone new too because it would feel like I'm betraying him on some level! And scared I'd end up falling for someone else in the future who also has heavy problems and I want to 'save him' too. I'm not sure what kind of guy I could even be so attracted to again after my ex... as I had a really strong connection with him. We were like magnets ... and now nothing.
I know I need time, I know that's the answer to all this. Time and lots of self love and reflection... in order for me not to repeat patters... but it's so much thinking and feeling... which I'm open to... but it's exhausting and I can't think straight about much else in my life as it's so mentally tiring.
It sounds like when you ignored the pink elephant in the room is when he was happy and probably when you were stuffing your feelings and just keeping your mouth shut.
Atalose this is true... I did stuff my feelings in order to keep the happy vibes going for him. When I had reserves of my own that day I'd be able to just put his feelings first. I'm crying right now thinking about how much I tried to just save his feelings, save his embarrassment. But inside I was crying with worry for him.... and then of course, whenever I didn't have my reserves, or I reminded him of something that upset me, or mentioned his drinking, he wasn't so accepting of me... and I'd end up feeling guilty for being angry and bringing up this kind of thing.
How did I allow this? Why did I hang on? Because I loved him , said to myself 'he's the one', and really hoped for change... always hoped he'd eventually just look inwards and make changes. But now here I am miserable, alone, worried about my mental health...can't think straight about much really. Feeling indecisive about things I need to do in relation to my work. And I'm stuck in this same neighbourhood as him too. And all the while, he posts nonsense 'happy' viral videos on his facebook! Numbing out his thoughts about me. He's mr okay burying in his head in the sand and I'm a mess...
Good news is that I'm going away camping and surfing this weekend with my friend... and last night I had a nice dinner with my other friend... so I'm making some positive moves. Some good moments. But I just carry this heaviness everywhere I go, everytime I rememeber all this.
When will it end ...god... I've had some tough break ups in my life, but this seems the like the toughest one ever, you know?...it's so messed up. So confusing trying to work him out, work out what the hell happened. And now trying to pick up the pieces in this limbo.
Looking back on both cases now, that initial suffering and pain were all so very worth it. Now I have my life back and it's good.
Thank you bird. I hope this will happen for me...
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I know I need time, I know that's the answer to all this. Time and lots of self love and reflection... in order for me not to repeat patters... but it's so much thinking and feeling... which I'm open to... but it's exhausting and I can't think straight about much else in my life as it's so mentally tiring.
Yes, time and lots of self love and reflection...I remember that my repeated unhealthy/warped patterns of thinking before I divorced my exH were pretty ingrained and I needed help, objective help, to unravel that stuff and create some new thinking and invite a new life plan in. Yes, I had AlAnon, but even that was not enough....I got a good therapist and spent a year doing that hard work. It made all the difference.
My "best" thinking got me into the bad relationship....so I needed some serious help to be sure I wasn't going to use that same thinking again! I was great at self-reflection, I could see the patterns, I was stuck with them, they were all I knew!! I needed help to learn how to actually change them. I don't think I would have figured that stuff out if I hadn't done therapy.
Peace,
B.
Yes, time and lots of self love and reflection...I remember that my repeated unhealthy/warped patterns of thinking before I divorced my exH were pretty ingrained and I needed help, objective help, to unravel that stuff and create some new thinking and invite a new life plan in. Yes, I had AlAnon, but even that was not enough....I got a good therapist and spent a year doing that hard work. It made all the difference.
My "best" thinking got me into the bad relationship....so I needed some serious help to be sure I wasn't going to use that same thinking again! I was great at self-reflection, I could see the patterns, I was stuck with them, they were all I knew!! I needed help to learn how to actually change them. I don't think I would have figured that stuff out if I hadn't done therapy.
Peace,
B.
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Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Surfbee 
But evidently I surrendered myself to some fairytale wanting some guy to rescue me! When really I should have stuck to rescuing myself. What happened to me?
Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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Its over 2 years for me now. I had a very clear revelation today. We each made big mistakes in the relationship. My mistake was staying. Not facing reality. Not understanding I couldn't change him...I just wanted to help! I believed if he just got the right information he would change. His mistake was ignoring his alcoholism and refusing to get help. I wish I had left much earlier. He is a big boy...and didn't need my "help." And if he wanted to live that way I should have left him years ago.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
Looking back on both cases now, that initial suffering and pain were all so very worth it. Now I have my life back and it's good.
Thank you bird. I hope this will happen for me...
Thank you bird. I hope this will happen for me...
First of all I hope you are having an amazing weekend. I believe one of the reasons that it's so important to be around friends and family is because they are usually lights in our lives. That's how you know that is out there. Fun, caring, love, respect, kindness. That's what your friends show you and that is normal good stuff!
Yes Trailmix, in some way yes I feel like I'd be willing to accept it ... But I also know that this would be me accepting a challenging life and makes me question what happened to me? My standards ? When at the beginning I was strong and had clear boundaries. But evidently I surrendered myself to some fairytale wanting some guy to rescue me! When really I should have stuck to rescuing myself. What happened to me?
Basically you have a person who is not a horrible human being and in fact might have some really good traits, maybe really thoughtful or can be kind. Compliments you and seems to really like you, all great stuff! Laughs at your jokes and you at his.
I think saveher's thread is a really good outline of how his happens:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...red-flags.html (New Boyfriend: Red Flags?)
He is probably a good guy underneath, somewhere, 7 dates and only one is rather a train wreck. He attempts to explain away every red flag that pops up.
That is his personality though. That quick temper, the condescension, the rejection of someones opinion or knowledge. But it's a new relationship and probably warm and fuzzy and who wants to stop there?
Why did that come out in spades on date 7? Because people KNOW how to act, they know saying this or that is rude or could be taken the wrong way but omg it must be wearing to have to pretend to be that for so long.
And the boundaries slip as they appear to understand and you hope for improvement - and they probably promise that and even attempt it for a short period but true improvement doesn't come and it doesn't come because they aren't working on it and possibly never will because it's HARD and why should they anyway because they are free to drink and that is how they cope (in a nutshell).
You are going to be just fine (I really believe that), you are on the right track even though in your mind you probably don't really feel much of that right now.
This weekend away, I would recommend you get in as many weekends away as you can. Say yes to every social invitation you get whether that is a tupperware party or a night at the opera. You need to be around people who care, isolation is really the enemy right now.
I used to think sometimes when I was low about something like this well, no one wants to be around ms depressed, well you know, you will rise to the occasion and eventually you will start to have fun (hard to see right now but I hope this weekend you at least get glimpses of it).
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Thanks so much trailmix..ive been surfing this morning and feeling centred. But not I'm unhappy in my tent 
because I shared a beach pic on Facebook and insta and he liked the post. Also his mum liked it. And then he went on a rampage of sharing his own pics, more showy diy stuff of his flat. The home I gave to him. I'm so sad... Because he liked it than proceeded to put himself out there... And noticed he'd deleted a pic of me too! He's kept one of them but one of them he deleted. And it's so hurtful. I know I shouldn't have checked.... Big mistake... God, I trust what you say about saying yes to every social opportunity... I just need to build my social connections up again. Feel like I've lost a lot of that... My head is just filled with thoughts of him now after those pics. Why like my pic and then share all his own pics?? And delete a pic of me? It really saddens me. I haven't liked any of his... It's been over two weeks and no contact from my end. So I'm trying to resist... But right I want to say, what are you doing?! So hard, thanks for your words x
because I shared a beach pic on Facebook and insta and he liked the post. Also his mum liked it. And then he went on a rampage of sharing his own pics, more showy diy stuff of his flat. The home I gave to him. I'm so sad... Because he liked it than proceeded to put himself out there... And noticed he'd deleted a pic of me too! He's kept one of them but one of them he deleted. And it's so hurtful. I know I shouldn't have checked.... Big mistake... God, I trust what you say about saying yes to every social opportunity... I just need to build my social connections up again. Feel like I've lost a lot of that... My head is just filled with thoughts of him now after those pics. Why like my pic and then share all his own pics?? And delete a pic of me? It really saddens me. I haven't liked any of his... It's been over two weeks and no contact from my end. So I'm trying to resist... But right I want to say, what are you doing?! So hard, thanks for your words x
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Why delete a picture of you? Why not, guaranteed to garner a reaction, which is rather mean, but why else would he do that?
You guys are in a FB standoff, oh that's so destructive. It's like communicating without communication.
You know right now he seems great, you are hurt and probably lonely. Breaking up with someone is hard and you generally have distanced yourself from others in the process. It won't always be that way.
He did something hurtful to you (well many things but talking about FB today). Why does that not make you angry? Why aren't you defending your feelings?
As soon as ex (narcissist) posted I blocked that same day. I thought - omg, why would I let this jerk hurt my feelings? If a person has the power to hurt your feelings, you better trust they have your best interests at heart, otherwise you are just leaving yourself wide open to be trampled on emotionally.
You guys are in a FB standoff, oh that's so destructive. It's like communicating without communication.
You know right now he seems great, you are hurt and probably lonely. Breaking up with someone is hard and you generally have distanced yourself from others in the process. It won't always be that way.
He did something hurtful to you (well many things but talking about FB today). Why does that not make you angry? Why aren't you defending your feelings?
As soon as ex (narcissist) posted I blocked that same day. I thought - omg, why would I let this jerk hurt my feelings? If a person has the power to hurt your feelings, you better trust they have your best interests at heart, otherwise you are just leaving yourself wide open to be trampled on emotionally.
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Just thought of something else that might be worth mentioning. It's not just about someone who has the power to hurt your feelings.
It's actually about you too. If a person has the power to hurt your feelings YOU also better have your best interests at heart.
You know, I have been thinking about this in general today, about this board and about going no contact, about distancing and detaching.
Historically staying in a dysfunctional relationship or marriage wasn't actually deemed to be wrong - of the - you made your bed now lie in it variety. In some ways it's no easier to leave than it is to stay you know (short term). Now there is new movement on this front. Women, in particular, are understanding they have the freedom (and now the financial power) to distance themselves from these relationships. That does not make it easy!
Right now you are full of pain, at that in-between place, it's not a very comfortable place to be. He represents an old comfort (not much comfort i'm sure, but some), so where do you find comfort now?
From yourself, from your surroundings. If being in bed for half the morning on the weekends is comforting, do that, if being with your sibling, friend or parent is comforting, go there or have them over for the day. Tell people you need them. Ask for help. Here, there, wherever you find it.
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him. If he was willing to change he would have said so. He would be in AA, in rehab in wherever and letting you know his progress.
It's actually about you too. If a person has the power to hurt your feelings YOU also better have your best interests at heart.
You know, I have been thinking about this in general today, about this board and about going no contact, about distancing and detaching.
Historically staying in a dysfunctional relationship or marriage wasn't actually deemed to be wrong - of the - you made your bed now lie in it variety. In some ways it's no easier to leave than it is to stay you know (short term). Now there is new movement on this front. Women, in particular, are understanding they have the freedom (and now the financial power) to distance themselves from these relationships. That does not make it easy!
Right now you are full of pain, at that in-between place, it's not a very comfortable place to be. He represents an old comfort (not much comfort i'm sure, but some), so where do you find comfort now?
From yourself, from your surroundings. If being in bed for half the morning on the weekends is comforting, do that, if being with your sibling, friend or parent is comforting, go there or have them over for the day. Tell people you need them. Ask for help. Here, there, wherever you find it.
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him. If he was willing to change he would have said so. He would be in AA, in rehab in wherever and letting you know his progress.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him. If he was willing to change he would have said so. He would be in AA, in rehab in wherever and letting you know his progress.
As time passes, I am going through every emotion believe me. The anger rises and is felt but the root of anger is always pain - sadness - fear - and this is what I need to feel in order for it to pass.
I don't like that I miss him. I don't like that I feel thisguilt about how I handled myself at times. And I don't like that I left him hanging on his last message to me... but I know that none of these things would stop him from reaching out to me if he really wanted to! And he hasn't... so... all I can do is get on with my life. Maybe it's his lack of effort that is making me want him even more since we always want what we can't have! ???
The good thing about this in-between time is that it's allowing me to become more objective - I see the good in him yes, and I miss how comfortable I was with him, how he was 'home' to me... but I also see the bad . I also see that he's facebooked added a new friend from his work (the girl we bumped into at the festival - remember?) She already has a boyfriend but I sense this is him worming his way into her life - for friendship / new friends / future love interest! ?) Who knows. I just know that he's isolated and needs connections... and she's someone he sees every day so likely becoming a friend to him. And I feel effing angry about it... maybe I should just block him!! But I'm too emotionally attached to do that right now so the best thing is to stay off social media for a while.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him.
And I wonder what the truth is.
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I actually understand what you mean I think.
In that relationship I imagine you had to do a lot of excusing. I call it that although, in truth they aren't necessarily excuses, they are the truth.
For example, he gets wasted and does something completely stupid, like being an ass that night when that woman from work was there. Now, to you, you know him, you know he isn't generally an ass and maybe deep down is a decent person and that he does care about you, but he is an addict and when people are drunk they do ridiculous things. So you can excuse that because you know that is not the real him, he's hurt, he's scared, he's drunk - whatever the case may be (so he hurts you - which is not ok). He is an alcoholic.
Honestly, even if you were to march over there tomorrow and say let's give this another shot, is he stable enough to be in a relationship? How will you deal with explaining you aren't ignoring him just taking care of yourself (detaching) because, basically, he is selfish and alcoholic.
That's just one example which is meant to convey that all the conflict will still be there. You can't just be with him without conflict correct?
He likes your posts on FB, he deletes one of your pictures, but just one, now adds the one person he knows would annoy/hurt you.
That's just manipulative. Did you find him to be manipulative in general? Did you find the whole situation with his child to be somewhat manipulative (ie: it's been 2 years and I can't manage to get visitation down on paper but she restricts my access so I must drink and you should therefore feel sorry for me)?
In that relationship I imagine you had to do a lot of excusing. I call it that although, in truth they aren't necessarily excuses, they are the truth.
For example, he gets wasted and does something completely stupid, like being an ass that night when that woman from work was there. Now, to you, you know him, you know he isn't generally an ass and maybe deep down is a decent person and that he does care about you, but he is an addict and when people are drunk they do ridiculous things. So you can excuse that because you know that is not the real him, he's hurt, he's scared, he's drunk - whatever the case may be (so he hurts you - which is not ok). He is an alcoholic.
Honestly, even if you were to march over there tomorrow and say let's give this another shot, is he stable enough to be in a relationship? How will you deal with explaining you aren't ignoring him just taking care of yourself (detaching) because, basically, he is selfish and alcoholic.
That's just one example which is meant to convey that all the conflict will still be there. You can't just be with him without conflict correct?
He likes your posts on FB, he deletes one of your pictures, but just one, now adds the one person he knows would annoy/hurt you.
That's just manipulative. Did you find him to be manipulative in general? Did you find the whole situation with his child to be somewhat manipulative (ie: it's been 2 years and I can't manage to get visitation down on paper but she restricts my access so I must drink and you should therefore feel sorry for me)?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him.
And when you put it like that... I say okay. that does sound really bad and I ask why would I want this?! I know I don't but in my head I hear "but it wasn't abusive and he loved my personality" - and "it isn't really like that - no one knows him but me"...
And I wonder what the truth is.
That’s the kind of self-talk we say to ourselves to help ease our pain. That maybe just maybe it wasn’t so bad and all of this pain and hurt, anger and frustration, fear of the unknown would go away if I just went back. And much like the alcoholic who sits with the thoughts long enough of it's only one drink, I'm not as bad as anyone says, I can control it .........they go back to it. We are no different if we sit with those thoughts long enough we eventually find ourselves back there.
Reminds me of the story about the two wolves where an old Cherokee told his grandson “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One if Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, fear, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth”.
The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”
You are seriously considering re-entering a relationship where you were abused. Considering a life walking on egg-shells and bending your boundaries and personality to suit him.
And when you put it like that... I say okay. that does sound really bad and I ask why would I want this?! I know I don't but in my head I hear "but it wasn't abusive and he loved my personality" - and "it isn't really like that - no one knows him but me"...
And I wonder what the truth is.
That’s the kind of self-talk we say to ourselves to help ease our pain. That maybe just maybe it wasn’t so bad and all of this pain and hurt, anger and frustration, fear of the unknown would go away if I just went back. And much like the alcoholic who sits with the thoughts long enough of it's only one drink, I'm not as bad as anyone says, I can control it .........they go back to it. We are no different if we sit with those thoughts long enough we eventually find ourselves back there.
Reminds me of the story about the two wolves where an old Cherokee told his grandson “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One if Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, fear, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth”.
The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”
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Nine years ago, I walked out on my alcoholic boyfriend. He was lying and sneaking his drinking, and I was in so much pain, thinking why would he lie to me? Just be honest...we can work it out....blah blah blah...I had no idea what I was dealing with. The day he blamed me for his drinking, I knew I could never reason with this insanity. I looked up alcoholic insanity and finally got an education.
I left with my belongings in garbage bags and stayed with friends for 10 days, until I found my own place, crying my eyes out, feeling sick to my stomach, and wondering how my life got to be such a mess. The one thing I knew with all my heart was that he would never ever get better if I stayed. I would just become the person to blame, to take it all out on, and I would lose my own mind in the process.
Today, he has almost 9 years of sobriety and a strong program of recovery. He had to lose everything in order to start to work on himself, and in the process he has gained everything. We have been living together now for 5 years, we just bought a home, and we are happy and healthy. I stayed away for over a year...found peace and strength, and got to know myself, for the first time.
Give yourself that gift, and trust that life will unfold as it should. Please don't torture yourself with facebook...block him, no contact, no looking. Your life will be so much better.
I wish you peace too, and happiness, and know that it is within you, not with him or anyone else. Just within you.
I left with my belongings in garbage bags and stayed with friends for 10 days, until I found my own place, crying my eyes out, feeling sick to my stomach, and wondering how my life got to be such a mess. The one thing I knew with all my heart was that he would never ever get better if I stayed. I would just become the person to blame, to take it all out on, and I would lose my own mind in the process.
Today, he has almost 9 years of sobriety and a strong program of recovery. He had to lose everything in order to start to work on himself, and in the process he has gained everything. We have been living together now for 5 years, we just bought a home, and we are happy and healthy. I stayed away for over a year...found peace and strength, and got to know myself, for the first time.
Give yourself that gift, and trust that life will unfold as it should. Please don't torture yourself with facebook...block him, no contact, no looking. Your life will be so much better.
I wish you peace too, and happiness, and know that it is within you, not with him or anyone else. Just within you.
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