Feeling guilt post-break up and wishing I was a better support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
I just spent the last hour and a half re-reading every post here... It's interesting how reading replies in the midst of anxiety / desperation made me block out certain bits of wisdom here...so re-reading and absorbing everything... Thanks everyone again x
I almost went to my first AL-anon meeting last night but did a u-turn and instead walked circles around my neighborhood feeling really angry and crying.
There had been some new communication from him over the weekend and I think this is why the anger has surfaced.
On Friday night he sent me a stream of messages (was not expecting to hear from him so soon) he first sent a handsome pic of himself saying this is how he wants to be remembered or how he wishes he always looked. Then sent me lots of pics he'd taken of me. Then said he's thinking of me and he's been thinking of our last chat. Missing me and wants to talk over the weekend. And then asked if we could chat there and then. I happened to be busy as my friend was over so I said sure once my friend leaves. But by the time my friend left he must've fallen asleep. No doubt he'd been up drinking.
Anyway next morning he messaged me again. Sent me a pic of a table he carved for his mum. And the following message:
Been thinking a lot about our chat in the van the other night. I miss you so very much. All the more so knowing you are just across the street. I have felt this always since you moved out, but only vocalising it now we are talking. I was feeling very negative the other night when we spoke. It's not like that today, but it comes in peaks and troughs. I would like to present myself in a more positive mindset, because even if things are ******, they can be made better by a positive take on life. If you always say things are ****....they always will be. I get that. And I know that's what I was saying. (It's hard not to given the circumstances) but I went to my mum's last night and did all the paperwork that's been hanging over me for a month or so now which will enable the solicitor to start her proceedings, so I feel immeasurably better just for getting that off my plate! Anyway, maybe chat later x
I replied later that eve saying I appreciated hearing from him, glad he's feeling more positive about things. And complimented the table he made.
Well that was Saturday and nothing since.
I felt it was positive hearing from him, but this anger I feel now... Feel he went cold after an initial burst of enthusiasm.... I know I need to keep going and keep taking care of myself... Just feel angry about everything that has happened... All the selfishness, losing my flat, everything... And now this hot and cold. Any feedback on all this?
I almost went to my first AL-anon meeting last night but did a u-turn and instead walked circles around my neighborhood feeling really angry and crying.
There had been some new communication from him over the weekend and I think this is why the anger has surfaced.
On Friday night he sent me a stream of messages (was not expecting to hear from him so soon) he first sent a handsome pic of himself saying this is how he wants to be remembered or how he wishes he always looked. Then sent me lots of pics he'd taken of me. Then said he's thinking of me and he's been thinking of our last chat. Missing me and wants to talk over the weekend. And then asked if we could chat there and then. I happened to be busy as my friend was over so I said sure once my friend leaves. But by the time my friend left he must've fallen asleep. No doubt he'd been up drinking.
Anyway next morning he messaged me again. Sent me a pic of a table he carved for his mum. And the following message:
Been thinking a lot about our chat in the van the other night. I miss you so very much. All the more so knowing you are just across the street. I have felt this always since you moved out, but only vocalising it now we are talking. I was feeling very negative the other night when we spoke. It's not like that today, but it comes in peaks and troughs. I would like to present myself in a more positive mindset, because even if things are ******, they can be made better by a positive take on life. If you always say things are ****....they always will be. I get that. And I know that's what I was saying. (It's hard not to given the circumstances) but I went to my mum's last night and did all the paperwork that's been hanging over me for a month or so now which will enable the solicitor to start her proceedings, so I feel immeasurably better just for getting that off my plate! Anyway, maybe chat later x
I replied later that eve saying I appreciated hearing from him, glad he's feeling more positive about things. And complimented the table he made.
Well that was Saturday and nothing since.
I felt it was positive hearing from him, but this anger I feel now... Feel he went cold after an initial burst of enthusiasm.... I know I need to keep going and keep taking care of myself... Just feel angry about everything that has happened... All the selfishness, losing my flat, everything... And now this hot and cold. Any feedback on all this?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
The spurt of happy texts, mr. positive sent. I think it's kind of like how it probably was in the relationship except you are skipping seeing all the in-between stuff? Especially the "troughs" as he described it. If he is feeling down or stressed etc, he's not texting. When he is drunk or still a tad high from the night before, he is relaxed and texting. Just a guess there. Getting the paper-work sorted also made him feel happier and it's also something positive he can share.
Sounds like in general he has a low opinion of himself, is that your take on it?
That's kind of an aside though because i'm sure he struggles with a lot of demons and his solution to that is alcohol, it was 10 years ago, 10 months ago and 10 days ago (and this past weekend). There has been no movement on that. As long as that is going on the erratic behavior will continue. I have never heard anyone say - well he's an alcoholic but his reactions and behavior are completely normal.
I hear your anger and it's not surprising, as you get clearer about what's going on here (from being away from the day to day) you will probably get quite angry, not a bad thing really. Anger can propel you forward, embrace it, use it, go ahead and review the injustice of it all.
Sounds like in general he has a low opinion of himself, is that your take on it?
That's kind of an aside though because i'm sure he struggles with a lot of demons and his solution to that is alcohol, it was 10 years ago, 10 months ago and 10 days ago (and this past weekend). There has been no movement on that. As long as that is going on the erratic behavior will continue. I have never heard anyone say - well he's an alcoholic but his reactions and behavior are completely normal.
I hear your anger and it's not surprising, as you get clearer about what's going on here (from being away from the day to day) you will probably get quite angry, not a bad thing really. Anger can propel you forward, embrace it, use it, go ahead and review the injustice of it all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think even when the healthiest relationships end a period of no contact is necessary for each person to take care of themselves outside the bounds of the dissolved relationship.
When a relationship isn't healthy, continuing contact after it ends is just hovering a match over the fuse. We need time, space, and distance to gain real perspective on things. Give yourself that gift.
When a relationship isn't healthy, continuing contact after it ends is just hovering a match over the fuse. We need time, space, and distance to gain real perspective on things. Give yourself that gift.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He also said that it's so easy for him to drink because he comes home from work really exhausted, and sad, so drinking is the only good thing to do. ... and yet he knows it's bad for him, What a trap he's in. HE NEEDS HELP ! But I can't do anything about it! Should I be supporting him through it ?
You seem to feel positive after hearing his “words” that sound positive to you. Like he’s saying all the right things you wanted to hear, like he’s making some kind of a break through. You are grasping onto those “words” and putting yourself right back onto the train tracks willing and waiting to get hit again by the same painful train. Like now, not hearing from him, it hurts after hearing all of his “words” then witnessing the reality of his actions.
I agree with trailmix, you are skipping seeing all the in-between stuff. And I also agree that anger can be a good motivator for change.
No new contact = no new hurts!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by trailmix 
The spurt of happy texts, mr. positive sent. I think it's kind of like how it probably was in the relationship except you are skipping seeing all the in-between stuff? Especially the "troughs" as he described it. If he is feeling down or stressed etc, he's not texting. When he is drunk or still a tad high from the night before, he is relaxed and texting. Just a guess there. Getting the paper-work sorted also made him feel happier and it's also something positive he can share.
Sounds like in general he has a low opinion of himself, is that your take on it?
Sounds like in general he has a low opinion of himself, is that your take on it?
And if you put him in any social situation (after he's had a can or two) he'll appear very 'together', very knoweldgble and smart. But inside he doesn't like who is much of the time and he admits that.
Originally Posted by trailmix
That's kind of an aside though because i'm sure he struggles with a lot of demons and his solution to that is alcohol, it was 10 years ago, 10 months ago and 10 days ago (and this past weekend). There has been no movement on that. As long as that is going on the erratic behavior will continue. I have never heard anyone say - well he's an alcoholic but his reactions and behavior are completely normal.
I hear your anger and it's not surprising, as you get clearer about what's going on here (from being away from the day to day) you will probably get quite angry, not a bad thing really. Anger can propel you forward, embrace it, use it, go ahead and review the injustice of it all.
I hear your anger and it's not surprising, as you get clearer about what's going on here (from being away from the day to day) you will probably get quite angry, not a bad thing really. Anger can propel you forward, embrace it, use it, go ahead and review the injustice of it all.
I hope to god I can just let go soon. I'm going to an al-anon meeting tonight for the first time....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by atalose
Reality is, the kind of support he wants from you is for you to be ok with his drinking. To stop arguing about his drinking and to stop bringing it up. That’s why he’s filled his talks with all of those diversion tactics with his “positive” insights and thoughts.
You seem to feel positive after hearing his “words” that sound positive to you. Like he’s saying all the right things you wanted to hear, like he’s making some kind of a break through. You are grasping onto those “words” and putting yourself right back onto the train tracks willing and waiting to get hit again by the same painful train. Like now, not hearing from him, it hurts after hearing all of his “words” then witnessing the reality of his actions.
I agree with trailmix, you are skipping seeing all the in-between stuff. And I also agree that anger can be a good motivator for change.
No new contact = no new hurts!!
You seem to feel positive after hearing his “words” that sound positive to you. Like he’s saying all the right things you wanted to hear, like he’s making some kind of a break through. You are grasping onto those “words” and putting yourself right back onto the train tracks willing and waiting to get hit again by the same painful train. Like now, not hearing from him, it hurts after hearing all of his “words” then witnessing the reality of his actions.
I agree with trailmix, you are skipping seeing all the in-between stuff. And I also agree that anger can be a good motivator for change.
No new contact = no new hurts!!
But I can't kill the hope I feel , I still love him at the end of the day.
Hopefully I find some solace at this meeting tonight too. Thanks everyone ...
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Give yourself that gift.
x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
I hope the meeting is a really positive experience for you. They should have some literature available as well for you to look at.
Tools for detaching will be imperative for you.
You know, you are not in a great situation here, it's kind of torture? Dancing around outside having a real relationship. You get to get hurt now with zero benefit (ie: no good times).
No, he has had no breakthrough at all, I agree with atalose, he wants you to shut up about the alcohol. If YOU would just go along with it everything would be peachy!
In fact I don't know that all this picture sending etc isn't him hoping that's exactly what you will do. If you can just see how great this is (even with the alcohol) maybe you will come back!
Not, she can't deal with my alcoholism in this relationship because it is so destructive so I need to start taking care of that or at least examine it, take some steps to see etc etc
You are at an impasse, he wants you to change who you are, you want him to change who he is. That's not going to happen (at least not anytime soon) and should anyone want anyone to change? We aren't talking about little tweaks in a relationship here, we are talking about huge emotional issues and addiction.
Tools for detaching will be imperative for you.
You know, you are not in a great situation here, it's kind of torture? Dancing around outside having a real relationship. You get to get hurt now with zero benefit (ie: no good times).
No, he has had no breakthrough at all, I agree with atalose, he wants you to shut up about the alcohol. If YOU would just go along with it everything would be peachy!
In fact I don't know that all this picture sending etc isn't him hoping that's exactly what you will do. If you can just see how great this is (even with the alcohol) maybe you will come back!
Not, she can't deal with my alcoholism in this relationship because it is so destructive so I need to start taking care of that or at least examine it, take some steps to see etc etc
You are at an impasse, he wants you to change who you are, you want him to change who he is. That's not going to happen (at least not anytime soon) and should anyone want anyone to change? We aren't talking about little tweaks in a relationship here, we are talking about huge emotional issues and addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hi Surfbee,
Couple of things that I think are weird. First, he bombards you with texts and wants to talk and you say, "sure, after my friend leaves", and then you can't get a hold of him later? That seems odd. You are the woman he loves and misses and he's devastated by losing you. He's been a jerk to you, and you're willing to entertain a conversation with him. Don't you think he should basically be jumping for joy and glued to his phone the entire night waiting for you to call him back? Or at least, if it was getting late, maybe text you that he was going to bed, but that hopefully you guys could talk the next day? And then contact you the next day.
And again, contacting you with his "positivity" speech, and then going MIA. Honestly, to me this sounds like manipulation. YOU broke up with him, and now he's got you in a position where you are dying for him to contact you. It should be the other way around. He should be doing (actions) everything he can to SHOW you that he's working on the drinking and other issues so that you may one day agree to a relationship again. If you are allowing him to contact you at this point, then he should be on his A game with communication.
I know this sounds like a broken record, by my ex pulled the same bull****. An example was when we were thinking about reconciling, he asked me what color I liked and told me he'd be sending me something in the mail and that I should watch for it. He told me this like 5 different times in very sweet texts, and it was all adorably cryptic. So, of course, I'm kind of excited. But then nothing came, so like 2 weeks later I told him nonchalantly that nothing ever came. And he said, "oh yeah, well, I was thinking about sending you flowers, but decided not to." Of course I justified it as, well maybe he just felt like it was too big of a gesture, etc. But it's just crappy. It's just manipulation, because now he's managed to get me thinking about the relationship and the good times, and then I'm feeling depressed again when he fails to follow through.
To me it seems like your ex is using you a bit too. Like if he's lonely or bored, he wants your company. If he's done something good, he wants your praise. But otherwise, he really doesn't care.
I would definitely feel angry and confused if I was in your place now too, which is why it might be best to stop all contact. He still knows that he can use you emotionally, without making any changes to his drinking, etc. Just be aware that if you truly enforce no contact, he'll probably be angry and immature. If you think that he will quickly decide to go get help and you'll be back together in a month, I think that's unlikely and it may never happen. So if you decide to go no contact, you have to go forward with the mindset that the relationship is over, and whatever he does or doesn't do is no longer your concern. It sucks, I know. But nothing you can do at this point is going to turn him into the partner that you want and need.
Couple of things that I think are weird. First, he bombards you with texts and wants to talk and you say, "sure, after my friend leaves", and then you can't get a hold of him later? That seems odd. You are the woman he loves and misses and he's devastated by losing you. He's been a jerk to you, and you're willing to entertain a conversation with him. Don't you think he should basically be jumping for joy and glued to his phone the entire night waiting for you to call him back? Or at least, if it was getting late, maybe text you that he was going to bed, but that hopefully you guys could talk the next day? And then contact you the next day.
And again, contacting you with his "positivity" speech, and then going MIA. Honestly, to me this sounds like manipulation. YOU broke up with him, and now he's got you in a position where you are dying for him to contact you. It should be the other way around. He should be doing (actions) everything he can to SHOW you that he's working on the drinking and other issues so that you may one day agree to a relationship again. If you are allowing him to contact you at this point, then he should be on his A game with communication.
I know this sounds like a broken record, by my ex pulled the same bull****. An example was when we were thinking about reconciling, he asked me what color I liked and told me he'd be sending me something in the mail and that I should watch for it. He told me this like 5 different times in very sweet texts, and it was all adorably cryptic. So, of course, I'm kind of excited. But then nothing came, so like 2 weeks later I told him nonchalantly that nothing ever came. And he said, "oh yeah, well, I was thinking about sending you flowers, but decided not to." Of course I justified it as, well maybe he just felt like it was too big of a gesture, etc. But it's just crappy. It's just manipulation, because now he's managed to get me thinking about the relationship and the good times, and then I'm feeling depressed again when he fails to follow through.
To me it seems like your ex is using you a bit too. Like if he's lonely or bored, he wants your company. If he's done something good, he wants your praise. But otherwise, he really doesn't care.
I would definitely feel angry and confused if I was in your place now too, which is why it might be best to stop all contact. He still knows that he can use you emotionally, without making any changes to his drinking, etc. Just be aware that if you truly enforce no contact, he'll probably be angry and immature. If you think that he will quickly decide to go get help and you'll be back together in a month, I think that's unlikely and it may never happen. So if you decide to go no contact, you have to go forward with the mindset that the relationship is over, and whatever he does or doesn't do is no longer your concern. It sucks, I know. But nothing you can do at this point is going to turn him into the partner that you want and need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by trailmix
I hope the meeting is a really positive experience for you. They should have some literature available as well for you to look at.
Tools for detaching will be imperative for you.
Tools for detaching will be imperative for you.
I went! I got emotional as soon as I walked in the room lol ! Everyone was so nice and welcoming. I feel like I've welcomed a whole new support system into my world ... really appreciating this
plenty of layers to peel away over the months ... I noticed that my mind wasn't really on my ex either. I actually thought a lot about my family and the ways we've been effected by each other over the years. Lots of pain there I want to feel and get into ... I just want to love them, accept them, accept the past, and re-connect with them. This is my goal going forward now.
Originally Posted by trailmix
You know, you are not in a great situation here, it's kind of torture? Dancing around outside having a real relationship. You get to get hurt now with zero benefit (ie: no good times).
No, he has had no breakthrough at all, I agree with atalose, he wants you to shut up about the alcohol. If YOU would just go along with it everything would be peachy!
In fact I don't know that all this picture sending etc isn't him hoping that's exactly what you will do. If you can just see how great this is (even with the alcohol) maybe you will come back!
Not, she can't deal with my alcoholism in this relationship because it is so destructive so I need to start taking care of that or at least examine it, take some steps to see etc etc
You are at an impasse, he wants you to change who you are, you want him to change who he is. That's not going to happen (at least not anytime soon) and should anyone want anyone to change? We aren't talking about little tweaks in a relationship here, we are talking about huge emotional issues and addiction.
No, he has had no breakthrough at all, I agree with atalose, he wants you to shut up about the alcohol. If YOU would just go along with it everything would be peachy!
In fact I don't know that all this picture sending etc isn't him hoping that's exactly what you will do. If you can just see how great this is (even with the alcohol) maybe you will come back!
Not, she can't deal with my alcoholism in this relationship because it is so destructive so I need to start taking care of that or at least examine it, take some steps to see etc etc
You are at an impasse, he wants you to change who you are, you want him to change who he is. That's not going to happen (at least not anytime soon) and should anyone want anyone to change? We aren't talking about little tweaks in a relationship here, we are talking about huge emotional issues and addiction.
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Hi Surfbee,
Couple of things that I think are weird. First, he bombards you with texts and wants to talk and you say, "sure, after my friend leaves", and then you can't get a hold of him later? That seems odd.
You are the woman he loves and misses and he's devastated by losing you. He's been a jerk to you, and you're willing to entertain a conversation with him. Don't you think he should basically be jumping for joy and glued to his phone the entire night waiting for you to call him back? Or at least, if it was getting late, maybe text you that he was going to bed, but that hopefully you guys could talk the next day? And then contact you the next day.
Couple of things that I think are weird. First, he bombards you with texts and wants to talk and you say, "sure, after my friend leaves", and then you can't get a hold of him later? That seems odd.
You are the woman he loves and misses and he's devastated by losing you. He's been a jerk to you, and you're willing to entertain a conversation with him. Don't you think he should basically be jumping for joy and glued to his phone the entire night waiting for you to call him back? Or at least, if it was getting late, maybe text you that he was going to bed, but that hopefully you guys could talk the next day? And then contact you the next day.
On Friday night he texted around 1am. He messaged until 2am wondering when would be a good tim to talk. But I ignored until 4am. I'd been wide awake with excitement as my friend and I decided to start a new business together so we were up chatting about that! I assumed he'd fallen asleep, didn't see anything odd in that. I sensed the urgency in the messages ! But I wasn't really focused on him at all that night.
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
And again, contacting you with his "positivity" speech, and then going MIA. Honestly, to me this sounds like manipulation. YOU broke up with him, and now he's got you in a position where you are dying for him to contact you. It should be the other way around. He should be doing (actions) everything he can to SHOW you that he's working on the drinking and other issues so that you may one day agree to a relationship again. If you are allowing him to contact you at this point, then he should be on his A game with communication.
....Then a few days later of no contact from my end, I went to collect my things at his and this time he was in tears, totally mixed up didn't know for sure what was the right thing to do... but admitted he really needs to sort himself out....I knew that we needed time apart at this point... he agreed... but then the next day I was the one in panic mode trying to pin him down for a timeline as to how long we'll need but he couldn't give a timeline. He just insisted we need space and to leave it at that... So it see-sawed like that. Then three weeks apart no contact... And now here we are !We broke up and both of us broke it. But I would say that it was more him that maintained the break up if that makes sense.
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
I know this sounds like a broken record, by my ex pulled the same bull****. An example was when we were thinking about reconciling, he asked me what color I liked and told me he'd be sending me something in the mail and that I should watch for it. He told me this like 5 different times in very sweet texts, and it was all adorably cryptic. So, of course, I'm kind of excited. But then nothing came, so like 2 weeks later I told him nonchalantly that nothing ever came. And he said, "oh yeah, well, I was thinking about sending you flowers, but decided not to." Of course I justified it as, well maybe he just felt like it was too big of a gesture, etc. But it's just crappy. It's just manipulation, because now he's managed to get me thinking about the relationship and the good times, and then I'm feeling depressed again when he fails to follow through.
To me it seems like your ex is using you a bit too. Like if he's lonely or bored, he wants your company. If he's done something good, he wants your praise. But otherwise, he really doesn't care.
I would definitely feel angry and confused if I was in your place now too, which is why it might be best to stop all contact. He still knows that he can use you emotionally, without making any changes to his drinking, etc. Just be aware that if you truly enforce no contact, he'll probably be angry and immature. If you think that he will quickly decide to go get help and you'll be back together in a month, I think that's unlikely and it may never happen. So if you decide to go no contact, you have to go forward with the mindset that the relationship is over, and whatever he does or doesn't do is no longer your concern. It sucks, I know. But nothing you can do at this point is going to turn him into the partner that you want and need.
To me it seems like your ex is using you a bit too. Like if he's lonely or bored, he wants your company. If he's done something good, he wants your praise. But otherwise, he really doesn't care.
I would definitely feel angry and confused if I was in your place now too, which is why it might be best to stop all contact. He still knows that he can use you emotionally, without making any changes to his drinking, etc. Just be aware that if you truly enforce no contact, he'll probably be angry and immature. If you think that he will quickly decide to go get help and you'll be back together in a month, I think that's unlikely and it may never happen. So if you decide to go no contact, you have to go forward with the mindset that the relationship is over, and whatever he does or doesn't do is no longer your concern. It sucks, I know. But nothing you can do at this point is going to turn him into the partner that you want and need.
But Friday night, he drunkenly 'positively' half dipped his toe in the water with me... in the hope that maybe we could chat... I missed my chance to talk to him and probably a good thing because he was drunk. And I'm guessing the day after when the booze wore off, he was likely feeling mixed up again,...mixed up and low... because he knows that he won't want to give up drinking anytime soon.
Also - he could have met someone on Saturday night for all I know, who knows! Whatever his reasons for MIA, we are not aligned right now.
If he comes back to me with good intentions, I'll see how I feel at that point and if I can look at him and still love the person he is, then I'll show him love.... I don't want to shut my heart off if he comes back. Maybe that's foolish to some people but I'll go with what feels right to me. All the while I'm going to work on me and give myself a lot of love... and make a goal to be more loving and accepting of my family that's where I want to shift my attention to now.
My ex hurt me and I feel all kinds of emotions in relation to him... I hurt him too. But I'm losing the guilt and resentment. I want to keep my heart open and I just want to let all that fear-based emotion go... and who knows where I'll be after more therapy, al-anon, and more SR time ... hopefully in a more happier, calmer place ...
I feel more centred this eve... I know it's going to be up and down days ahead...but I think I'm going to be okay ! Anyway watch this space for more posts lol x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
I received this email from him this morning :
Hey, I lost my confidence at the weekend, didn't know how to approach the conversation. But I want to chat, I do.
Kept trying to remember what you had asked me to say if I was serious and committed. Couldn't get the wording right.
I'm feeling like I've made a huge mistake, but then feel I don't have the right to be talking to you, I can't quite get to grips with me letting you go. I feel like I've got no right to be approaching you and saying "I think I got things wrong, i see the situation differently now, I have seen - in your absence - things I was blaming you for or projecting onto you because I was failing to deal with them myself". But how is that fair to come back to you with "oh I've had time to think and blah blah blah". Sorry. Finding everything difficult right now x
I haven't responded yet... It would be good to hear your thoughts!
Hey, I lost my confidence at the weekend, didn't know how to approach the conversation. But I want to chat, I do.
Kept trying to remember what you had asked me to say if I was serious and committed. Couldn't get the wording right.
I'm feeling like I've made a huge mistake, but then feel I don't have the right to be talking to you, I can't quite get to grips with me letting you go. I feel like I've got no right to be approaching you and saying "I think I got things wrong, i see the situation differently now, I have seen - in your absence - things I was blaming you for or projecting onto you because I was failing to deal with them myself". But how is that fair to come back to you with "oh I've had time to think and blah blah blah". Sorry. Finding everything difficult right now x
I haven't responded yet... It would be good to hear your thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Well, it sounds like he is having some self-realization, which is a good thing, for him anyway, however that seems to be a regular occurrence for him anyway?
Is this the part he is forgetting?
Not to be critical but the part he is forgetting is that you have said (over and over and over) that he needs to be in recovery before the two of you can start to talk again. He has made zero effort in that from the last time you talked last week.
So really he's still working on the premise that you would be willing to be in a relationship with him while he continues to drink, in my opinion.
He gets these eureka moments and he sees what I see... then his mind loops back to blaming... then he'll yoyo back to acknowleging that it's not my fault...
but not to contact me until he's ready to say "I want to be together and I want to make real steps to get better, i.e. I'm seeing an addiction therapist, I'm going to AA
Not to be critical but the part he is forgetting is that you have said (over and over and over) that he needs to be in recovery before the two of you can start to talk again. He has made zero effort in that from the last time you talked last week.
So really he's still working on the premise that you would be willing to be in a relationship with him while he continues to drink, in my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by trailmix
So really he's still working on the premise that you would be willing to be in a relationship with him while he continues to drink, in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Talk is cheap. He is manipulating you and you are allowing it. You can’t move forward because you are under his hold. You really need to block him and do things to get your mind off of him such as take some classes or volunteer. Staying busy will help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hey Surfbee,
Seems to be a lot of words but not a whole lot of content in what he sent you.
You've laid your cards on the table:
If you want a relationship with me, get sober and in recovery.
It's simple.
He's still humming and hawing here and making you listen to it, probably in the hopes that you'll take him back without him addressing the alcoholism. It's really emotionally taxing and totally not fair to you.
I would maybe lay it out for him one more time and then don't respond to anything accept a concrete answer:
"If you want to continue this relationship, then you must be willing to be sober and in recovery. If that is your decision, let me know and we can talk. If you do not want the relationship to continue and/or you are not willing to be sober and in recover, then it would be best if you do not contact me."
Unless of course you are willing to continue the relationship even if he continues to drink, in which case, I think you would have to lower your expectations for him and accept him as he is for the relationship to have a chance.
No right or wrong answer here, but living in this sort of limbo will make you exhausted and sick.
Seems to be a lot of words but not a whole lot of content in what he sent you.
You've laid your cards on the table:
If you want a relationship with me, get sober and in recovery.
It's simple.
He's still humming and hawing here and making you listen to it, probably in the hopes that you'll take him back without him addressing the alcoholism. It's really emotionally taxing and totally not fair to you.
I would maybe lay it out for him one more time and then don't respond to anything accept a concrete answer:
"If you want to continue this relationship, then you must be willing to be sober and in recovery. If that is your decision, let me know and we can talk. If you do not want the relationship to continue and/or you are not willing to be sober and in recover, then it would be best if you do not contact me."
Unless of course you are willing to continue the relationship even if he continues to drink, in which case, I think you would have to lower your expectations for him and accept him as he is for the relationship to have a chance.
No right or wrong answer here, but living in this sort of limbo will make you exhausted and sick.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Surfbee, I agree with Liz. That's what I was saying about torture, you are allowing yourself to be tortured. This half a kind of not really a relationship where he pops in every few days to say some kind of nice words is no way to go on, for you, in my opinion, because it's hurting you.
He feels bad. He wants you around but he has no intention whatsoever to quit drinking right now but he can't say it.
The correct wording would have been, I am going to 90 in 90 (AA meetings), I've stopped drinking completely (and any other drugs), I have upped my therapy to weekly and I'm committed to being sober.
Something along that line, but no, he couldn't figure out how to word: I don't want to stop drinking.
I would reply once more, there it will be in black and white.
If you want a relationship with me, get sober and in recovery. (quoting Liz) and add, are you willing to do that? If so then we can talk about that.
Again, unless, as Liz said you are willing to accept him alcoholism and all. You will have to completely lower your expectations, there will be no support and nothing approaching "normal" and there can absolutely be no pressure or expectation on your part that he will quit drinking or any hope that he will.
He feels bad. He wants you around but he has no intention whatsoever to quit drinking right now but he can't say it.
Kept trying to remember what you had asked me to say if I was serious and committed. Couldn't get the wording right.
Something along that line, but no, he couldn't figure out how to word: I don't want to stop drinking.
I would reply once more, there it will be in black and white.
If you want a relationship with me, get sober and in recovery. (quoting Liz) and add, are you willing to do that? If so then we can talk about that.
Again, unless, as Liz said you are willing to accept him alcoholism and all. You will have to completely lower your expectations, there will be no support and nothing approaching "normal" and there can absolutely be no pressure or expectation on your part that he will quit drinking or any hope that he will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Thanks ladies, this is really very helpful... I haven't responded yet. I just woke up to your replies and he has also sent another email. He sent:
Hi again,
Rereading my message from yesterday I see how negative it sounded, it wasn't meant to come out like that, but it does accurately express my sense of remorse and guilt.
It's that guilt from what I have done to you and us that I am having trouble with. I'm concerned greatly about how you would be able to overcome how I wronged you while going through a difficult time. I thought I needed to shut myself away from everyone and everything in order to try and make myself better. I felt ashamed by having to openly share the stages I need to go through and thought it would be easier to do it on my own. But annoyingly and painfully I realise I'm not in any way better off, but much less happy, much less productive, and certainly not enjoying any part of this.
Would you like to meet and chat some point this week? I don't feel I manage to convey how I really feel in email. I start down irrelevant paths and get stuck there trying to explain a thing in part which doesn't frame it well in the overall situation X
Okay so... I need to decide now on what route to take... I'm meeting my friend for lunch and then I'm going to reflect more on what you all said...and try to hear out what my higher self wants to do...
Hi again,
Rereading my message from yesterday I see how negative it sounded, it wasn't meant to come out like that, but it does accurately express my sense of remorse and guilt.
It's that guilt from what I have done to you and us that I am having trouble with. I'm concerned greatly about how you would be able to overcome how I wronged you while going through a difficult time. I thought I needed to shut myself away from everyone and everything in order to try and make myself better. I felt ashamed by having to openly share the stages I need to go through and thought it would be easier to do it on my own. But annoyingly and painfully I realise I'm not in any way better off, but much less happy, much less productive, and certainly not enjoying any part of this.
Would you like to meet and chat some point this week? I don't feel I manage to convey how I really feel in email. I start down irrelevant paths and get stuck there trying to explain a thing in part which doesn't frame it well in the overall situation X
Okay so... I need to decide now on what route to take... I'm meeting my friend for lunch and then I'm going to reflect more on what you all said...and try to hear out what my higher self wants to do...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If it were me, I probably wouldn't reply.
...but I were going to reply, I would say, "I need some time and space to get some perspective on myself and the relationship. I think it is better if we do not communicate for awhile."
...but I were going to reply, I would say, "I need some time and space to get some perspective on myself and the relationship. I think it is better if we do not communicate for awhile."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hi Surbee,
He's still not accepting that he has a drinking problem, nor is he saying anything about his willingness to be sober or in recovery.
Honestly, this email is almost word for word the letters, texts, and conversations I had with my ex. It sounds like he's seeing some sort of light, like he's sorry, he feels bad. But it is still skirting the issue and it still sound like a "woe is me" attitude.
"I don't feel I manage to convey how I really feel in email. I start down irrelevant paths and get stuck there trying to explain a thing in part which doesn't frame it well in the overall situation."
Yes, because the overall situation is that he has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed, as well as a lot of other issues.
What he should be telling you (like what trailmix wrote yesterday) is:
"I realize that I have treated you poorly and I understand that my relationship with alcohol has contributed greatly to problems in our relationship and in my life as a whole. I know that I need to stop drinking and seek help in recovery. I have found an AA meeting that I am attending and have begun therapy with an addiction counselor. I am working on other issues in my life in therapy as well. I am completely committed to being sober."
If he had said this, then maybe I would be willing to talk. And then proceed with extreme caution, making sure that his action are following his words.
As it stands, I would send him the same message I suggested yesterday and lay it all out for him one last time. The ball is then in his court and you will know from his answer where he stands.
Good luck!
He's still not accepting that he has a drinking problem, nor is he saying anything about his willingness to be sober or in recovery.
Honestly, this email is almost word for word the letters, texts, and conversations I had with my ex. It sounds like he's seeing some sort of light, like he's sorry, he feels bad. But it is still skirting the issue and it still sound like a "woe is me" attitude.
"I don't feel I manage to convey how I really feel in email. I start down irrelevant paths and get stuck there trying to explain a thing in part which doesn't frame it well in the overall situation."
Yes, because the overall situation is that he has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed, as well as a lot of other issues.
What he should be telling you (like what trailmix wrote yesterday) is:
"I realize that I have treated you poorly and I understand that my relationship with alcohol has contributed greatly to problems in our relationship and in my life as a whole. I know that I need to stop drinking and seek help in recovery. I have found an AA meeting that I am attending and have begun therapy with an addiction counselor. I am working on other issues in my life in therapy as well. I am completely committed to being sober."
If he had said this, then maybe I would be willing to talk. And then proceed with extreme caution, making sure that his action are following his words.
As it stands, I would send him the same message I suggested yesterday and lay it all out for him one last time. The ball is then in his court and you will know from his answer where he stands.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
It's that guilt from what I have done to you and us that I am having trouble with. I'm concerned greatly about how you would be able to overcome how I wronged you while going through a difficult time
I will be interested to see what you decide and good luck working through that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
