Feeling guilt post-break up and wishing I was a better support
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
I don't know what I would do if it was actually me in your position but the advice I would give is to make it clear to him that it's over. Either by telling him, which I personally find the more decent way to handle things or by simply not replying.
If you take him back now (and it does sound like that's what he wants) chances are it'll just continue the exact way it did before. Getting sober and recovery is a massive amount of work and extremely uncomfortable. Do you really, really, deep down think he will put in all this effort if he already has what he wants and things kind of work out for him without any real change?
Also I don't think it's the best idea to leave it open that you might get back together once this or that happens. It could be he will put in the work just to win you back, to make it look like he's willing to change and then goes back to his old habits once he's got what he wanted.
The best way to see if he is truly working on himself is to end it, go no contact and see whether or not he will change. You could just try to close this chapter for now and who knows, if you still miss him in a year or so, send him an email and meet him then, see what he has done so far in terms of actual change.
He's a grown up. You have given him many chances. You don't have to babysit or carry him through recovery. He had that chance! He didn't take it. He has to take responsibility for his decisions and learning this will be a good lesson for his recovery if he ever chooses that path.
That being said, I know how hard it is to accept those things with your heart. There are many moments where I would take back my ex in a heartbeat.... But those decisions are not rational and wouldn't help anyone. Not him and not me either. The biggest truth I had to accept and which also felt the most cruel and unfair, was that addiction / untreated mental illness / whatever you want to call it really destroys relationships and people. And that there is nothing I can do about it. It's painful and sad but trying to rationalise it away isn't working for the addicts themselves and not for the people around them. The only thing that helps is if they work on it.
Sending you hugs!
If you take him back now (and it does sound like that's what he wants) chances are it'll just continue the exact way it did before. Getting sober and recovery is a massive amount of work and extremely uncomfortable. Do you really, really, deep down think he will put in all this effort if he already has what he wants and things kind of work out for him without any real change?
Also I don't think it's the best idea to leave it open that you might get back together once this or that happens. It could be he will put in the work just to win you back, to make it look like he's willing to change and then goes back to his old habits once he's got what he wanted.
The best way to see if he is truly working on himself is to end it, go no contact and see whether or not he will change. You could just try to close this chapter for now and who knows, if you still miss him in a year or so, send him an email and meet him then, see what he has done so far in terms of actual change.
He's a grown up. You have given him many chances. You don't have to babysit or carry him through recovery. He had that chance! He didn't take it. He has to take responsibility for his decisions and learning this will be a good lesson for his recovery if he ever chooses that path.
That being said, I know how hard it is to accept those things with your heart. There are many moments where I would take back my ex in a heartbeat.... But those decisions are not rational and wouldn't help anyone. Not him and not me either. The biggest truth I had to accept and which also felt the most cruel and unfair, was that addiction / untreated mental illness / whatever you want to call it really destroys relationships and people. And that there is nothing I can do about it. It's painful and sad but trying to rationalise it away isn't working for the addicts themselves and not for the people around them. The only thing that helps is if they work on it.
Sending you hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's that guilt from what I have done to you and us that I am having trouble with. But I’m not really going to do anything about it expect use some words that may sound good. I'm concerned greatly about how you would be able to overcome how I wronged you while going through a difficult time. But not concerned enough to make any changes so that repeated behavior won’t happen. I thought I needed to shut myself away from everyone and everything in order to try and make myself better. And just to continuing to drink without anyone's negative input. I felt ashamed by having to openly share the stages I need to go through and thought it would be easier to do it on my own. But I’ve not even begun that yet. But annoyingly and painfully I realise I'm not in any way better off, but much less happy, much less productive, and certainly not enjoying any part of this. Yes, because that’s what happens when you drink and keep on drinking.
Would you like to meet and chat some point this week?
Simple reply might be, no sorry I'm busy working on me.
Would you like to meet and chat some point this week?
Simple reply might be, no sorry I'm busy working on me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Kevlarsjal2 is right. At this point, I maybe wouldn't even leave the possibility of reconciling on the table. You are not responsible for his recovery. You are not his mother nor his counselor. He's an adult. He knows what the problem is (you guys have discussed it over and over and he even admits it sometimes). He tells you he feels so much guilt and remorse, yet has put zero effort into changing anything. Does that not **** you off? He can't put you above the bottle. You deserve better than that.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but in re-reading his most recent email to you it seems that he basically saying,
"Look, I was going through a rough time, I didn't handle it well."
Translation: I'm still not admitting that the alcohol was the main problem.
"I'm feel so guilty and I'm worried that you will never forgive all the ways I have wronged you."
Translation: I'm hoping that if I sound like I'm sorry and taking responsibility for the ****** things I have done that you'll let me off the hook without me making any changes.
"I'm really sorry that we broke up because now I am unhappy".
Translation: I'm thinking about myself and my own feelings, not you. I do feel ****** because I lost someone who loved me, cared for me, and put up with my ******** until now.
Sorry, but that email is just so, so weak, narcissistic, and manipulative. He seems to be very far from sobriety and recovery. Just my opinion.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but in re-reading his most recent email to you it seems that he basically saying,
"Look, I was going through a rough time, I didn't handle it well."
Translation: I'm still not admitting that the alcohol was the main problem.
"I'm feel so guilty and I'm worried that you will never forgive all the ways I have wronged you."
Translation: I'm hoping that if I sound like I'm sorry and taking responsibility for the ****** things I have done that you'll let me off the hook without me making any changes.
"I'm really sorry that we broke up because now I am unhappy".
Translation: I'm thinking about myself and my own feelings, not you. I do feel ****** because I lost someone who loved me, cared for me, and put up with my ******** until now.
Sorry, but that email is just so, so weak, narcissistic, and manipulative. He seems to be very far from sobriety and recovery. Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by atalose 
it's that guilt from what i have done to you and us that i am having trouble with. but i’m not really going to do anything about it expect use some words that may sound good. i'm concerned greatly about how you would be able to overcome how i wronged you while going through a difficult time. but not concerned enough to make any changes so that repeated behavior won’t happen. i thought i needed to shut myself away from everyone and everything in order to try and make myself better. and just to continuing to drink without anyone's negative input. i felt ashamed by having to openly share the stages i need to go through and thought it would be easier to do it on my own. but i’ve not even begun that yet. but annoyingly and painfully i realise i'm not in any way better off, but much less happy, much less productive, and certainly not enjoying any part of this. yes, because that’s what happens when you drink and keep on drinking.
would you like to meet and chat some point this week?
Simple reply might be, no sorry i'm busy working on me.
would you like to meet and chat some point this week?
Simple reply might be, no sorry i'm busy working on me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
This is all so familiar, although many years ago for me and my alcoholic boyfriend. When I left, I got the texts, and the sorrys and the I love you and I messed up and blah blah blah. I was miserable, just like you are, but I knew in my heart that nothing would change, and I had to survive if I was ever going to be happy again.
I saw him again when he got his 90-day coin, and even after that didn't move back in, or begin to date again until 6 months in recovery. And that didn't last because I wasn't ready, so it wasn't until he had 1 year that we really began to rebuild a relationship.
Now he has almost 9 years of sobriety, and a strong program of recovery, is grateful for everything he has regained in his life.
Stay away...if you go back now, nothing will change. And if you listen to his illogical words, and try to make sense of them, you will lose your own mind in the process. Take care of you! Let him figure it out on his own. It's the only way it will mean anything.
I saw him again when he got his 90-day coin, and even after that didn't move back in, or begin to date again until 6 months in recovery. And that didn't last because I wasn't ready, so it wasn't until he had 1 year that we really began to rebuild a relationship.
Now he has almost 9 years of sobriety, and a strong program of recovery, is grateful for everything he has regained in his life.
Stay away...if you go back now, nothing will change. And if you listen to his illogical words, and try to make sense of them, you will lose your own mind in the process. Take care of you! Let him figure it out on his own. It's the only way it will mean anything.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Hi trailmix!
Thanks, it's been a good week so far! Feels like fall, which I am very ready for
Hope you are having a nice week as well!!!
Thanks, it's been a good week so far! Feels like fall, which I am very ready for
Hope you are having a nice week as well!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Hey everyone! Thanks for all your responses and sorry for not getting back until now. There are a couple of reasons why I delayed responding:
1. I've been feeling happier due to good developments at work and progress with my ex at same time so I've been in a good place and wanted to enjoy this nice chapter !
2. I felt nervous to update you because I was scared of judgment after all the strong opinions on what I should do!!
This is what happened: After his messages, I sent him a reply stating that if he's prepared to get better, i.e. go to the AA, get sober, and get addiction therapy, then I'm open to meeting for a chat.
He replied yes he wants to do these things and so we met. He took me out for dinner (sober), he quit smoking, he is now training for a marathon, and he said that running away from me was him running away from himself. He has researched the AA and will go to his first meeting next week. He hasn't drank since last weekend. He's never before even entertained the idea of AA so I believe he seriously intends to go. He is listening to audio books whilst he works (Brene Brown Daring Greatly , the AA big book, and The Chimp Paradox) ...and he did all the necessary paperwork to get his court order for visitation in place. it's all positive steps. I was naturally wary about wanting to give this another go but I am seeing a shift...
In time I would love to try again ... and just go slow and keep on living seperately. I will continue with weekly Al-anon and therapy too.
Thoughts welcome!!!
1. I've been feeling happier due to good developments at work and progress with my ex at same time so I've been in a good place and wanted to enjoy this nice chapter !
2. I felt nervous to update you because I was scared of judgment after all the strong opinions on what I should do!!
This is what happened: After his messages, I sent him a reply stating that if he's prepared to get better, i.e. go to the AA, get sober, and get addiction therapy, then I'm open to meeting for a chat.
He replied yes he wants to do these things and so we met. He took me out for dinner (sober), he quit smoking, he is now training for a marathon, and he said that running away from me was him running away from himself. He has researched the AA and will go to his first meeting next week. He hasn't drank since last weekend. He's never before even entertained the idea of AA so I believe he seriously intends to go. He is listening to audio books whilst he works (Brene Brown Daring Greatly , the AA big book, and The Chimp Paradox) ...and he did all the necessary paperwork to get his court order for visitation in place. it's all positive steps. I was naturally wary about wanting to give this another go but I am seeing a shift...
In time I would love to try again ... and just go slow and keep on living seperately. I will continue with weekly Al-anon and therapy too.
Thoughts welcome!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by Surfbee
1. I've been feeling happier due to good developments at work and progress with my ex at same time so I've been in a good place and wanted to enjoy this nice chapter !
2. I felt nervous to update you because I was scared of judgment after all the strong opinions on what I should do!!
2. I felt nervous to update you because I was scared of judgment after all the strong opinions on what I should do!!
I'm sorry you were scared of judgment but I totally understand that too. Well personally I have no judgment for you lol
I can see you are being very methodical in your approach. Even if you weren't my only concern would be for your well-being, not whether you were doing things "right" or "wrong".
This may be a long row to hoe, I hope you keep posting, hope you continue being grounded in taking care of yourself, you are in a good place (even though you might not have felt like it over the past few weeks).
More will be revealed and you will see how it goes. I hope he stays strong with his commitment to sobriety, for your sake as well as his.
Just something that stood out to me. First of all, it's early days! He has only been sober for a week. Secondly, why is he "researching" AA and not just attending. I'm not sure what size of city or town you live in but AA meetings are usually every day and in some places several times a day. Why isn't he in AA instead of researching it.
Anyway, just a little flag waving there that is kind of concerning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Thanks T, I agree....It would show more if he went already. He's obv nervous as hell but hopefully he'll go this weekend. Thanks so much for caring about my well being.... The last few weeks were hellish as you know... but I started to see the light thanks to you and this forum, and therapy too....and then he showed up (not cured but at least with the intention to get cured ....!) Which is a first so let's see... Watch this space....
I'm just grateful for everything I learned so far... Yes I'll keep posting here... I'll need a good support network. I'll keep posting how things are going and how I'm feeling about things xx
I'm just grateful for everything I learned so far... Yes I'll keep posting here... I'll need a good support network. I'll keep posting how things are going and how I'm feeling about things xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hey Surfbee!
No judgment here! Glad things seem to be heading in a positive direction. It seems promising that your ex is considering sobriety and recovery (AA). Like Trailmix said, just make sure you are taking care of yourself and your own emotions. My suggestion is to keep making yourself and your life your absolute top priority. Just so that if your ex ends up not following through (hopefully that is not the case), you're not devastated all over again and starting the grieving process at square one. It's good to be optimistic and supportive, but it is very, very early. You seem very rational about taking things slow
I agree with Trailmix about the "researching" thing being sort of a red flag. My ex did that and then went to one AA meeting and refused to go again because the meeting was in a church basement and he felt uncomfortable (lol--who goes to AA because it's "comfortable"?) Just watch for concrete actions. You'll know if he's serious about recovery.
Have a great weekend!
--Liz
No judgment here! Glad things seem to be heading in a positive direction. It seems promising that your ex is considering sobriety and recovery (AA). Like Trailmix said, just make sure you are taking care of yourself and your own emotions. My suggestion is to keep making yourself and your life your absolute top priority. Just so that if your ex ends up not following through (hopefully that is not the case), you're not devastated all over again and starting the grieving process at square one. It's good to be optimistic and supportive, but it is very, very early. You seem very rational about taking things slow
I agree with Trailmix about the "researching" thing being sort of a red flag. My ex did that and then went to one AA meeting and refused to go again because the meeting was in a church basement and he felt uncomfortable (lol--who goes to AA because it's "comfortable"?) Just watch for concrete actions. You'll know if he's serious about recovery.
Have a great weekend!
--Liz
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee…..keep in mind that early recovery period....genuine recovery....is in terms of years, rather than weeks or months...…
For the alcoholic, it involves keeping sobriety as the first priority....and, diligent hard work...and investment of time. Through AA and therapy...alcoholic thinking comes to be replaced by change in thinking which leads to changes in attitudes,,,which, eventually, shows as changes in behaviors.....
This doesn't happen with a wave of the wand...lol....and, it really is a pivotal change in lifestyle....
Just so you know......
For the alcoholic, it involves keeping sobriety as the first priority....and, diligent hard work...and investment of time. Through AA and therapy...alcoholic thinking comes to be replaced by change in thinking which leads to changes in attitudes,,,which, eventually, shows as changes in behaviors.....
This doesn't happen with a wave of the wand...lol....and, it really is a pivotal change in lifestyle....
Just so you know......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Thanks Liz and dandylion...
Yes this isn't some quick fix...and I've noticed that I am scared of falling part again.
Please see my other thread "feelings of vulnerability in relation to work"...? If you have time? As I'm thrown quite off balance right now. All into my work or all into a relationship is what I want to address... I really want to take better care of myself but I got these strong habits i've formed over the years... A lot of ego based drives pushing me to be a perfectionist. But today I'm left feeling that my ex will never be the one to fill the void...and neither will work.
I will be realistic about his long recovery, and if it even happens.. And so I need to learn news ways to self soothe, and fill this 're-appearing void' in me that comes and goes that is totally unrelated to him....
Yes this isn't some quick fix...and I've noticed that I am scared of falling part again.
Please see my other thread "feelings of vulnerability in relation to work"...? If you have time? As I'm thrown quite off balance right now. All into my work or all into a relationship is what I want to address... I really want to take better care of myself but I got these strong habits i've formed over the years... A lot of ego based drives pushing me to be a perfectionist. But today I'm left feeling that my ex will never be the one to fill the void...and neither will work.
I will be realistic about his long recovery, and if it even happens.. And so I need to learn news ways to self soothe, and fill this 're-appearing void' in me that comes and goes that is totally unrelated to him....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee….lol...just left a post on your other thread.....
I certainly agree....that work and your ex won't fill the kind of void that you seem to feel.....
I'm thinking that work on your self will take the kind to time and investment, for you, that your ex will have to invest for himself.....
Loke...about two years of intensive therapy with the right therapist....(the right tool for the right job)…..?
I certainly agree....that work and your ex won't fill the kind of void that you seem to feel.....
I'm thinking that work on your self will take the kind to time and investment, for you, that your ex will have to invest for himself.....
Loke...about two years of intensive therapy with the right therapist....(the right tool for the right job)…..?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Intensive therapy for two years aaa... I hope I have the right therapist. The one I have I really like, and I trust her as she's helped me loads this last month. Along with this forum!
I will ask her if we can spend time doing family and origin work as you suggested? And see if she's experienced in that area.
I will ask her if we can spend time doing family and origin work as you suggested? And see if she's experienced in that area.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I really want to take better care of myself but I got these strong habits i've formed over the years...
that is called resistance to change. a habit does not define us, and habits can be modified, changed, or just dropped altogether, and we can develop new healthier habits. don't fall into the "but i've always been this way" trap/excuse. isn't that exactly what we are asking our addict loved ones to do? CHANGE HABITS?
that is called resistance to change. a habit does not define us, and habits can be modified, changed, or just dropped altogether, and we can develop new healthier habits. don't fall into the "but i've always been this way" trap/excuse. isn't that exactly what we are asking our addict loved ones to do? CHANGE HABITS?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
ive been surfing this morning and feeling centred.
This comment you made has really stayed with me!
Do you surf often? I was watching some surfing lessons on tv recently and I'm intrigued. Have you always surfed? (As in, since you were little?)
This comment you made has really stayed with me!
Do you surf often? I was watching some surfing lessons on tv recently and I'm intrigued. Have you always surfed? (As in, since you were little?
)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Mango212
ive been surfing this morning and feeling centred.
This comment you made has really stayed with me!
Do you surf often? I was watching some surfing lessons on tv recently and I'm intrigued. Have you always surfed? (As in, since you were little?)
This comment you made has really stayed with me!
Do you surf often? I was watching some surfing lessons on tv recently and I'm intrigued. Have you always surfed? (As in, since you were little?
)If you have that feeling Mango... if you're intrigued... you should follow that feeling... I highly recommend you go for a lesson!! The beautiful thing about surfing is that you can start anytime and enjoy doing it your entire life... there is no end to it, and the salt water is very healing
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I really want to take better care of myself but I got these strong habits i've formed over the years...
that is called resistance to change. a habit does not define us, and habits can be modified, changed, or just dropped altogether, and we can develop new healthier habits. don't fall into the "but i've always been this way" trap/excuse. isn't that exactly what we are asking our addict loved ones to do? CHANGE HABITS?
that is called resistance to change. a habit does not define us, and habits can be modified, changed, or just dropped altogether, and we can develop new healthier habits. don't fall into the "but i've always been this way" trap/excuse. isn't that exactly what we are asking our addict loved ones to do? CHANGE HABITS?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
