Grassalley17

Good morning, I just wanted to share something that happened last night. I moved out on Monday and have been staying with friends. Yesterday was my husbands birthday, I agreed to have dinner with him (assuming he would not be drinking, stupid me).

I got out of work and met him at his office where he said: "Let's go to the pub and have dinner, I'm ready for a few beers." Me: "you're going to drink, I though you weren't drinking." AH: "I'm not drinking, I'm just going to have a few beers, it's my birthday, I have a plan, you don't get it." Me: "No, I don't get it, but neither do you apparently, I'm not going to drink with you or support your drinking, so I'm going to leave (and go to my friends house)." Him: "I'm going to go home." We leave together, we took public transportation together and then he tells me that he still wants to hangout. I told him, I would hangout with him and have dinner if he's not drinking. Me: "I'm not living at home right now because of your drinking." He said: "All I want is to be with you, I won't drink." We ended up going to dinner and had soda water and had an ok time, it was a struggle for him, but he did it. We then went our separate ways after dinner. I don't know if he drank when he got home.

I'm proud of myself for sticking to how I feel. The old me, would have gone along with it and then felt guilty for not sticking to what I want, and mad at myself for allowing him to drink with me, so I'm glad I did that.

I'm moving into my own space for two weeks, I haven't told him this yet, I think he's hoping I will come home, but I am adamant that real results need to happen, real commitment and work needs to take place. This isn't going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I need to do it!

Thanks for listening (reading)

dandylion

Grassalley…..OMG....I cannot tell the number of times that I came up against the "just a few beers" statement!

I think it is a combination of two of the most common defenses of the alcoholic....denial and rationalization.
Asking the alcoholic to give up drinking, completely is like asking a fish to live out of water...like a death sentence. It is how they handle the emotions and feelings of going through life.
Until they ever get to the point that they accept that they are powerless to control their drinking...and that they can never have one drink...and that they cannot have that first drink.....they will not give up "a few beers"....
This is especially true, on "special occassions"....like birthdays, reunions, weddings, christenings, anniversaries, graduations, Super Bowl, new job, all holidays, etc.....


Good for you on holding your boundaries. It ain't easy.

Grassalley17

Exactly, dandylion, there's always an occasion, it's a Thursday, just a few beers. Last time he went back to drinking it was "I'm making a lifestyle change and just going to drink occasionally." That lasted one week before the wheels came off and a bag of coke landed in his lap. I keep telling him, let's see how things go. I haven't given much detail to him about what I really mean by that b/c I've been super busy at work and have limited my contact to basic communication.

Forward12

You can bet he went ham once he walked in the door.

atalose

You want normal, a normal relationship with your life partner and do things like celebrate birthdays but the reality is, your relationship is not normal, he is not normal he is an alcoholic and that’s a whole different kind of ballgame.

Very proud of you for sticking to your boundaries!!! Good job!!

Grassalley17

Yes, atalose, I told him today, let's take this one day at a time. I asked him to move out for a few days so I can have my house and my dog (the place I'm going to stay at doesn't allow dogs in the neighborhood), I really want my dog. We had lunch and I was able to to tell him more about how I'm feeling and the need to see results. I told him, I'm glad he's following through on therapy and hope it helps, I support him, and that I need space to take care of myself. I told him he hasn't been a good friend or husband. He doesn't agree, but when I site examples he blames it on the relapse. He is a better husband when he's sober, he makes dinner, takes care of responsibilities, etc. But, when drinking, all bets are off. I don't want to be along for that ride anymore. I haven't told him yet, but I will the next time we talk, is that he needs to re-build my trust.

Our relationship hasn't been normal for a very long time. Speaking of birthday's, he went on a bender on mine last year, and didn't go on a planned trip with me and my sister. I don't want to make him feel bad by bringing up all the dirt from the past, but he needs to know that this has been building, not just from one lousy relapse.

Thanks everyone, I feel the anger building, this is good b/c I tend to be too nice.

dandylion

Grassalley…...just to clarify.....Has he said that he is going to get into treatment?

You have asked him to move out for a few days...o.k. What happens after a few days? Are you going to look for a place that takes dogs?.....(I really get that you want your dog)….

I wouldn't worry about "hurting his feelings"...I am not saying to be mean to him.....but, I don't see the value in holding back on the facts. You are probably having a harder time than he is, right now....because he has more defenses than you do. He has his denial, and rationalization, and his alcohol to take the edge off. You, on the other hand, are having to face your issues, straight up and sober.

What you do or don't do is not really going to make a lot of difference, right now...in all probability...because it sounds like he is not ready to face his powerlessness over alcohol.
There is always the chance that if he sees that he might lose you....that he might...might....have a moment of clarity, where he sees that he needs sobriety....But, there is no guarantee....

If you want your life to change, you will have to be the one to take it into your own hands.....

***By the way....if he is willing to trash his trip with you on your birthday, in order to drink.....You certainly have the right to acknowledge, to him, that he did it and hurt you. Where is it written that his feelings are more important than yours...…
Yes, you have been very nice....but nice hasn't kept him form drinking, and hasn't improved your life--in terms of peace and happiness.....
Got to get over "nice"......and, replace it with honesty and reality.....

Grassalley17

He admits he has a problem, but he won't go to AA, I think he may go to rehab, but it's going to take his therapist to tell him he needs it. I've contemplated an intervention as well.

I realize a few days isn't much, but if I can get him to go, I think I will be able to get him to stay away. I could be wrong, but it's worth a try. In the meantime, I have a place to go tomorrow for two weeks (one of my al anon friends is going on vacation and I'm going to stay at her house, I can't bring my dog, because dogs aren't allowed in this development With that said, I'm very much looking forward to time alone. I have a very stressful job, with a lot of deadlines, so I need alone down time at the end of the day to decompress.

He isn't going to treatment (AA or rehab), but he's seeing a therapist, he started this week. We will go together most likely at some point. I'm also seeing a therapist (just started), and going to Al Anon (we only have one weekly meeting, but I've connected with the group and meet them for coffee on other days).

I've been told all my life to stop being nice - LOL! I know I need to do that. Honesty and realistic is the way to go. I do drink, but not a lot so yes, I face everything sober. Thank you all so much!

honeypig

GrassAlley, I want to share a post that I've shared many times here before. It's from another SR member, and I saved it in my "Wisdom of SR" folder b/c it rang so true for me.

I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.

This was exactly where I was--XAH held a job, didn't physically abuse me, did nice things for me at times, took care of basic things around the house like mowing the lawn. Was it really so bad?, I'd ask myself. Well, considering that he also took money from our retirement savings w/o my knowledge or consent, lied to me about an incredible array of things both large and small and hid and lied about his cigarette smoking, maybe so...And when I realized that no, we were NOT connecting, in any way, on any level, in any real sense, when I realized that it was all an act to keep the status quo (and I am equally as guilty of this part as he was), I finally had to say, yes, yes, it really IS that bad. Bad enough to end a 19-year marriage.

I'm in the real world now, and I am not willing to settle for "fake anything" any more.

dandylion

Grassalley…….something that might be considered....if there is any possibility that he might go to a rehab facility, in the future.....perhaps a dual-diagnosis facility would be the best, for him. I know that he is being treated for depression...? Could there be any other conditions...like social anxiety disorder or some others?
According to those who research and write about these matters...it is said that there is a significant number pf persons who are addicted to substances, also have co-occurring conditions...and, often became addicted by medicating those conditions. If all of the conditions are not recognized and treated simultaneously...then...the relapse rate is enormous and nothing is ever treated effectively....
If you are going to be seeing his therapist with him (at times)….perhaps this could be brought up with his therapist....
Just sending someone off to rehab, in itself, is not a guarantee of anything, of course....but, if they are willing to go...it might as well be one that is best suited to their needs.....

FreeOwl

well done honoring your boundaries!

Grassalley17

Honeypig, thank you for sharing that, it's so true - just because someone is functioning doesn't mean it's normal. I wouldn't say my husband is functioning. He is barely functioning (in my opinion anyway).

Dandylion, yes, I think he suffers from anxiety as well as depression, his dr recommended a therapist for him that is experienced in dual diagnosis, so I'm glad he's going to do that.

This morning as I was walking to work, I talked to him and told him that I think rehab is something he should consider. I've done the research, called, gotten our insurance in order, etc. And, all he has to do is say he's willing to go.

The dr. put him on naltrexone ... Is anyone familiar with this?

I asked him if he's still drinking and he said that he has had a few beers (resounding theme here). In one breath he said he wanted to quit, and then he followed it up with down the road, I want to be able to drink 1 or 2 and be done. That's when I told him that everything I've read says that's not possible for him. He said, "you don't know everything." I said: "That's true, but I've been reading a lot, doing a lot of research, going to al anon, talking with alcoholics and all of that information has led me to believe you can't do it alone and you need to quit." He told me I could talk to his dr. I said "Ok, call him and tell him I would like to speak with him." He said: "Ok, you can also come to my therapy appointment if you think I'm lying." I said: "That would be good too, why would I believe you, you've lied to me so many times over the years, from everything little to small."

He's so focused on the recent relapse and saying, I only slipped once, I'm human, give me a chance to make it right. I said: "I'm not just referring to the recent relapse, I'm referring to how hard it's been the past few years (I gave examples).

I'm starting to get angry which is good because I'm being honest about how I feel instead of waffling.

Thanks everyone, I hope you're all having a good day! I appreciate the advice and support!

AnvilheadII

it is pretty much the dream of EVERY alcoholic to have just one or two.
it's just that it never works out that way. right now he's clinging to the notion that he can get over this disease like a cold and return to "normal".

and honey, there is nothing you can do to change his mind on that. you might as well save your breath to cool your soup.

what if.......you just let this go for now. let the ball be in his court. let him DO whatever it is he's going to do. hint, there won't be any magical turn arounds, none of this will be resolved by Monday, or a year from Monday. there is no quick fix. for him or you.

you've said your piece, you've done the research, now just hand it to him and let it be.

NYCDoglvr

This codependent also has to recognize -- and deal with -- denial and rationalization when dealing with the alcoholic. The belief that an alcoholic is capable of having a "beer or two" is just me signing on to the alcoholic's delusional thinking.

Mango212

Hi Grassalley,

How are you doing?

knowthetriggers

Boy oh boy, if I had a dollar each time I heard that phrase I would be able to retire 20 years early and take two trips around the world.

My husband is in recovery at the moment; however, these were his favorite words to me when he was actively drinking but he would add "because I am not like those people". When in reality he could have been AA's poster child!

hopeful4

Yup. They think they are special snowflakes that are "different" and can do this on their own, or...being their qualifier...you can help! No, No, No!!!! That is not how recovery works.