GrassAlley, I want to share a post that I've shared many times here before. It's from another SR member, and I saved it in my "Wisdom of SR" folder b/c it rang so true for me.
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
This was exactly where I was--XAH held a job, didn't physically abuse me, did nice things for me at times, took care of basic things around the house like mowing the lawn. Was it really so bad?, I'd ask myself. Well, considering that he also took money from our retirement savings w/o my knowledge or consent, lied to me about an incredible array of things both large and small and hid and lied about his cigarette smoking, maybe so...And when I realized that no, we were NOT connecting, in any way, on any level, in any real sense, when I realized that it was all an act to keep the status quo (and I am equally as guilty of this part as he was), I finally had to say, yes, yes, it really IS that bad. Bad enough to end a 19-year marriage.
I'm in the real world now, and I am not willing to settle for "fake anything" any more.