Am I enabling?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
Am I enabling?
Looking for some guidance, or maybe just some perspective. I’ve taken over paying my alcoholic fathers bills (with his own money) to make sure things are being paid and he doesn’t end up homeless. He doesn’t work and is just living off his dwindling savings (while spending 25+ a day on alcohol), and has made no attempt to try to get sober. Am I just adding to the problem? Should I walk away and let whatever happens, happen?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Jmduplisea and welcome.
Well that's a darn good question!
Technically, yes, the definition of enabling is doing something for someone that they should be able to do for themselves. Doesn't mean you can't make someone a sandwich but paying their bills would qualify.
I have to say though, I would do it for a parent. I would make sure they knew exactly how much they have left in savings each month so they can't live in denial as in I would write it down and hand it to them, dated.
Why would I if I knew it was enabling. Well I wouldn't want to see them out on the street. Then again, as you say his savings are dwindling so that's a very real possibility anyway - hence why I would ensure they knew exactly what was left each month.
Right, wrong, good, bad, I can't say, it's just what I would, personally, do.
Well that's a darn good question!
Technically, yes, the definition of enabling is doing something for someone that they should be able to do for themselves. Doesn't mean you can't make someone a sandwich but paying their bills would qualify.
I have to say though, I would do it for a parent. I would make sure they knew exactly how much they have left in savings each month so they can't live in denial as in I would write it down and hand it to them, dated.
Why would I if I knew it was enabling. Well I wouldn't want to see them out on the street. Then again, as you say his savings are dwindling so that's a very real possibility anyway - hence why I would ensure they knew exactly what was left each month.
Right, wrong, good, bad, I can't say, it's just what I would, personally, do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He doesn’t work and is just living off his dwindling savings (while spending 25+ a day on alcohol), and has made no attempt to try to get sober.
Yes, I think it is enabling him and eating away at you at the same time. Maybe look into al-anon meetings in your area for you. Lots of good support there. It’s always hard making changes because our fear kicks in, our worry overwhelms us and we feel so unsure. That’s why trying some meetings might help you eventually reach a comfortable decision for yourself.
I can tell you based on shares at my al-anon meeting regarding this same kind of issue. Most likely if he ends up homeless, or evicted you will take him in, especially if you do not seek some kind of support for yourself.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
No easy answers. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Talking with a therapist who deals with addiction counseling could be beneficial for you.
Al-anon family groups are another great resource for support, education about alcoholism and it's effects on everyone nearby.
I'm glad you're here.
Talking with a therapist who deals with addiction counseling could be beneficial for you.
Al-anon family groups are another great resource for support, education about alcoholism and it's effects on everyone nearby.
I'm glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Honestly, I don't know if your first visit should be to a therapist or a lawyer.
Do you have his written explicit permission to touch his money? Do you have Power of Attorney? If not, he may accuse you of embezzling his account, especially when the funds run low.
I'm not a lawyer so I can't tell you with any confidence if an email with his username and password to his bank account is good enough to pass muster (that said, you SHOULDN'T use email to pass along confidential information but that's another story for another time).
I would concern myself with making sure I was legally protected before continuing to pay his bills.
Do you have his written explicit permission to touch his money? Do you have Power of Attorney? If not, he may accuse you of embezzling his account, especially when the funds run low.
I'm not a lawyer so I can't tell you with any confidence if an email with his username and password to his bank account is good enough to pass muster (that said, you SHOULDN'T use email to pass along confidential information but that's another story for another time).
I would concern myself with making sure I was legally protected before continuing to pay his bills.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
There seems to be a wide range of opinion with regards to what constitutes enabling.
How old is your dad? Would it hurt you more to not do it? Does it hurt you to do it? I would say ask yourself those questions. Myself, I would do it for a parent and keep a good ledger of the transactions. If it bothered me while I was doing it, then I would find some help along the way. It's hard to say without more details. Perhaps you are just more worried that other people with think it's enabling?
How old is your dad? Would it hurt you more to not do it? Does it hurt you to do it? I would say ask yourself those questions. Myself, I would do it for a parent and keep a good ledger of the transactions. If it bothered me while I was doing it, then I would find some help along the way. It's hard to say without more details. Perhaps you are just more worried that other people with think it's enabling?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jm....lol...I can't help but notice your name.....(I think that says a lot...no?)…..
Clover is right...we don't have much info, about your father and situation. I don't know where you live...but, I suggest the following....
I would check, via the internet for the local Agency on Aging for your location....and, the local county government...search for county social workers....and make an appointment to see one in person...preferably, one experienced in geriatric social work (but, take anyone you can get)…..
this perso n can guide you through contacts for legal advice, and long term planning for your father....there are, also, services for those over 55, that you may not know about...like financial help, housing assistance, etc.....for when the time comes that h e cannot live alone....
If his health fails...this will open a whole area of decision making...and, maybe, different strategies for attending to his welfare....
If you are new to this....you really do need more help....and, more help is available for him and for you...it is just that m ost people don't now about it....
I will say that this will require some initiative, on your part, if you are concerned about your father.....You will have to be willing to wade through the red tape, and spend some time on the internet and making some phone calls.....
I am curious...who buys his liquor for him...does he get around well...independently...? How is his mental status?....
Clover is right...we don't have much info, about your father and situation. I don't know where you live...but, I suggest the following....
I would check, via the internet for the local Agency on Aging for your location....and, the local county government...search for county social workers....and make an appointment to see one in person...preferably, one experienced in geriatric social work (but, take anyone you can get)…..
this perso n can guide you through contacts for legal advice, and long term planning for your father....there are, also, services for those over 55, that you may not know about...like financial help, housing assistance, etc.....for when the time comes that h e cannot live alone....
If his health fails...this will open a whole area of decision making...and, maybe, different strategies for attending to his welfare....
If you are new to this....you really do need more help....and, more help is available for him and for you...it is just that m ost people don't now about it....
I will say that this will require some initiative, on your part, if you are concerned about your father.....You will have to be willing to wade through the red tape, and spend some time on the internet and making some phone calls.....
I am curious...who buys his liquor for him...does he get around well...independently...? How is his mental status?....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
$25 a day is a lot he could be spending on bills.
Without knowing more, my solution would be to say I am doing this for another 4 months then I am done. I would do as someone said above, keep him a running balance. I would ask him what he would like help with in those 4 months to get himself on his feet, including if he wants rehab.
That is just my two cents w/out knowing more. I say this kindly b/c I know it's so painful.
Without knowing more, my solution would be to say I am doing this for another 4 months then I am done. I would do as someone said above, keep him a running balance. I would ask him what he would like help with in those 4 months to get himself on his feet, including if he wants rehab.
That is just my two cents w/out knowing more. I say this kindly b/c I know it's so painful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Honestly, I don't know if your first visit should be to a therapist or a lawyer.
Do you have his written explicit permission to touch his money? Do you have Power of Attorney? If not, he may accuse you of embezzling his account, especially when the funds run low.
I'm not a lawyer so I can't tell you with any confidence if an email with his username and password to his bank account is good enough to pass muster (that said, you SHOULDN'T use email to pass along confidential information but that's another story for another time).
I would concern myself with making sure I was legally protected before continuing to pay his bills.
Do you have his written explicit permission to touch his money? Do you have Power of Attorney? If not, he may accuse you of embezzling his account, especially when the funds run low.
I'm not a lawyer so I can't tell you with any confidence if an email with his username and password to his bank account is good enough to pass muster (that said, you SHOULDN'T use email to pass along confidential information but that's another story for another time).
I would concern myself with making sure I was legally protected before continuing to pay his bills.
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